Hey Mr. Ripley. Read the first ten and thought I would give you my initial thoughts.

Page 1: "A hangun in an ungloved hand".  If the hand was gloved, I could see why you would point that out. I'm not sure why you would point out there's no glove? The first line is really important and this stood out for me. I know it's nitpicky - but still.

The character does look at the camera and say "Iago?" so I thought our POV was someone called Iago at first. I'll get that in straight away as others have mentioned it!

Page 2: "Now I highly doubt you will want me to talk throughout this whole movie. So I will let the visuals speak for themselves and, I'll jump in when I need to".  Gabe, this actually read like you know script readers are gonna pull you up for exposition and are getting an excuse or apology in to combat the expected criticism!! You really need to get rid of this.

Page 6: "Since we're in narrative mode, I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions etc".  This block of dialogue isn't working for me. It stands out. Breaking the fourth wall is really difficult to pull off in movies. (TV sitcoms maybe not so much). Even when done by critically acclaimed directors it's always going to divide opinion. (Haneke's "Funny Games" for example) I certainly don't think it should be used in a way that might be seen as trying to cover over narrative or technical problems that are going be in the story. This is what it reads like to me, I'm sorry to say.

Page 8  "He's going to some motel room and try to disappear".  I don't want to come across as a clever arse, but earlier Christian says "I will let the visuals speak for themselves and, I'll jump in when I need to".  In a visual medium should he need to at all? Just saying.

Anyway, you know what they say about the first 10 pages giving the reader what to expect for the rest of the script. I'm not sure if this is the way to go. I think a normal narrative structure withought the storyteller would be better. It should be his story without him telling us things. I would rather see just see Christian shape shifting rather than him telling us about it as well. Others may disagree.

Sometimes initial thoughts can be a little harsh. It's not my intent to be harsh -- it's just as a spec screenplay this is breaking many a rule that's going to get people's backs up. I usually say 'screw the the so-called rules', but if you're gonna do that -- the script needs to clear, confident and bang on the money. The exposition could work but at the moment it seems like it's there to paper over cracks.

Some interesting feedback you've had here - I wondered what it'd get when I first read it. Some stuff is just not going to be to some people's taste.

So I might read some more of this, but from my original post, I did say I like the pace, that it read quickly, and that there was some intrigue.

Your action lines are broken up well, and this helps to move the read forward (and occasionally helps to skip over errors).

Some of the dialogue is also broken up nicely and interspersed with short action lines. I also liked that. (But there's also a couple of hefty chunks of dialogue).

There were a number of things that I was confused with, and you provided some clarity on that.

There is a certain 'style' to your writing that is not entirely concerned with brevity:

He plants his supplies near by, bends down and gets to work:
Tapes dish towels to Danny’s bleeding head.

more brief would be:

He plants his supplies near by, bends down - and tapes a dish towel to Danny’s bleeding head.

But not by much. The 'Tapes dish towels ...' actually took me a couple of reads to get it into my head - as you have included it on a separate line, I'm almost expecting something else, and this is in part to do with there not being a 'subject' to the sentence ...

Iago plants his supplies near by, bends down and gets to work:
He tapes dish towels to Danny’s bleeding head.

I think you are attempting a semi-staccato style of writing, which in principle I like as it moves the story on and gave it some pace - but I think the precautionary note is to be wary that the style doesn't trip up the substance.

Hey Basket,

I'm not against harsh criticism towards the material. I use these criticisms in my revision. lol.

I'll change that Iago line to Iago's tale to lessen the confusion.  

I wanted you to notice that he throws away the gun without wiping it clean. He was holding it in his ungloved hand.  

pg. 2 My intent was to explain Christian's activity as narrator in this screenplay. Certain scenes he narrates, certain scenes he doesn't. Why? For that reason you quoted.    

pg. 6 I'm using Christian as a way to transition from scenes. It speeds up the story.
That part would have been longer if I didn't cut out Iago searching for his brother's car. So as opposed to writing a full slug with "later" on it, I thought of using Christian to skip that scene. He is the narrator after all.  

pg. 8 I wanted to transition to the next scene and tell the reader what Iago was planning to do. That is until Christian got involved.

Hope this helps explain your issues.

Hey Si,

I'm looking to make this script as best possible so I can sell it. Everyone here also wants the same goal.

Mind posting some of that confusion you had in the script? I need to improve this bad boy. .

Not everyone's going to like this. And I'm not trying to get everyone. lol. That's impossible to do since someone's going to come along and says it sucks (and this is not directed to you Jeff).  

Gabe

Wanted people to know that I figured out to work this dropbox, , and changed the opening dialogue from Iago to Iago's tale.

I would like more feedback before I delve into doing a full rewrite. I'll read anything in return. I'm good for it.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Wanted people to know that I figured out to work this dropbox, , and changed the opening dialogue from Iago to Iago's tale. Gabe

Gabe, I don't have the slightest idea what you mean by using "Iago's tale" or the like.  I just went back into your actual script and see you made that change.  Absolutely no clue what's going on.

Is there a person there with this "older man"/Christian?  Is it Iago?  Why do you continually phrase things with "us", etc.?, as if it's some sort of POV but not labeled as such?  Is it merely Christian braking the 4th wall, and if so, why, in God's name?

Completely clueless as to what's going on and why.

Jeff,

You're over thinking this too much man.

This was intended for the 7owc. I decided to back out so I can work on this some more. However, I still kept the restrictions: low budget, thriller, 3-5 locations. And this is the product. I think I've improved from the short.

Christian's no longer calling us Iago. He's identifying why we're there. To hear about Iago's tale. I didn't put the entire question in due to the fact Christian's with a dead couple and, he wants to flee the crime scene.

It's like two strangers taking a elevator to go to a interview. They get off a floor and look around. One of the guys notices the other guy searching and asks: interview? The other guy says: yeah. Same principle except that we can't speak.

Christian's breaking the 4th wall. Why not? lol. I wanted to try something new. I think the story's better with the narrator involved. He's humorous as a narrator and a character. I can't speak for everybody, but some people digged it.  And this is how I see the story with the narrator breaking the 4th wall.  

Why I use us? I wanted to try a new style of writing that didn't require me to properly use camera directions like POV, DISSOLVE TO, INSERT, etc.  

Everyone seems to be getting it. The only problems people had were the first line of dialogue (Iago?) and the blocks of exposition. I'll get to the blocks later since I'm debating about removing items.

I want to tell everyone that all these reviews would be taken into consideration in my rewrites. Don't think I'm ignoring everything. I value everything. Just realize that it's my story, lol.

Gabe

I read the first 10 pages and felt like I was trying to keep up in a footrace I hadn't even known I was in. It could be I was just tired the night I cracked this open. I will continue with it when my hectic schedule lets up.

I am a fan of breaking the fourth wall and I think it is an effective ploy when done properly. The first thing I thought of while reading the first few pages, while you did it differently, was Fallen. Although here I was asking myself whether he was really breaking it at times or were we just in POV, silent observors watching through the eyes of the character.

From some of the posts it seems it may be confusing others.

Maybe if you do something different to separate us from the character so there is a true break in the wall that establishes our own participation in the story. One way might be, during the car scene for instance, have us in the back seat and we see the back of Iago's head but Christian turns to the back seat to talk to us.

Maybe I am getting it all wrong and you are shooting for something else.

I'll be back with it this weekend and give more feedback soon.

John

Thanks for the short review John.

Thanks for the Fallen comment. lol. Didn't think of that film even though I have it in my DVD collection.  

He is breaking the 4th wall. We are the silent observers that Christian notices but, no one else in the script does. He may talk to us but, we don't answer since we're silent observers.

I tried to make things short, quick and low budget. Didn't want to waste too much pages on something.

Hope you enjoy it.
Gabe

Finally, finished it. Your style makes it easy to breeze through, but my only concern is that if you cut out some stuff - which I think you'll need to do - you'll end up with a short screenplay. Something too long for a short and too short for a feature.

First, I still think you should be more upfront with who's we in the beginning. Instead of "Iago's tale" why not just be more upfront and have him say "Are you here for Iago's tale?" Then have the camera nod up and down.

Further, I still think you ought to put a "Note: " in the beginning stating what we the POV means. I see this often in found footage. It's stated clearly it's found footage (in italics) before Fade In. I know it's not found footage, but I'd rather set the expectations earlier on rather than anger/confuse the reader 5 pages in.

I would also do a "Find/Replace" from Alex to Danny. it seems like Danny used to be named Alex, but Alex's name still pops up. At page 44, Alex even has lines.

As for the story, I can identify the inciting incident (page 12 or so) and I think Act One ends in page 27-28 when Iago refuses to believe in what he's supposed to do. However, I could not identify Act 2 and 3. Part of the reason is because I don't think the characters don't change much. Iago ends up where he began, even trapped for eternity a la Twilight Zone. Christian's still an *rse.

You have a mish-mash of Ferris Bueller (breaking 4th wall) and GroundHog Day. In Groundhog Day, you can clearly see how Phil (Bill Murray) changes as a character, even though his environment never changes. I just don't see that same character arc or change in Iago. Thus, when I get to the end, it felt like the story just ended.

Characters - Christian becomes really annoying as the story goes on. I see he's trying to be comedic at times, but this clashes with the thriller/horror tension you're trying to build. Also, he becomes really despicable at around page 41 or so when the story teethers on NC-17 rating.

I don't like how you describe Gianni as "porn star hot." Especially when you hint how Iago is jealous of his brother because he has such a "great girl." I'd understand if Gianni was in the mold of Katie Holmes (pre-Scientology), as the classic girl-next-door, but she's not. So I don't empathize with Iago. Danny doesn't come off as a great character to root for either.

Usually, if Act 2 isn't clicking, there usually isn't a B or C story. Something that works off your main theme. In Groundhog Day, Phil was looking for a way to break the loop, but then he also started wooing the female character, which eventually led to a inner quest to rediscover himself. It's that type of depth I don't see here.

Even if you did not care much about the character drama, the plot didn't have as much twists/turns. Christian was barely threatened. Iago keeps trying but always it stays the same. I know this was your intent in the end, but then it begs the question, why go through forty-fifty minutes of doing the same thing with the same results?

Lastly, check your use of "your" versus "you're". This issue pops up a lot. Here are my page by page breakdown starting from page 13:

pg 13 - Are the visions flashbacks? Later on you do mark them as flashbacks.
pg 18 - "this morning and," should be "this morning, and"
pg 20 - should be "scared" not "sacred"
pg 21 - should be "grins at his hello"
pg 23 - Is it necessary to repeat Christian's orders here?
Also, here Christian's look feels more comedic. I don't know if that's your intention, but it does clashes with the thriller tension you're trying to build.
pg 26 - this exchange doesn't make sense here:
IAGO - There's some things you don't tell me as well.
DANNY - Like?
IAGO - I can't remember them...
it's nitpicky but if I was Danny I would have responded, "if you've got no examples, then why bring it up?"
pg 33 - "he wants to hurt me" not "he's wants..."
pg 39 - "A couple minutes pass before he returns..." The way this is written you - it can be interpreted that "we" watch at nothing for a few minutes, when nothing happens. Use a LATER mini-slug here or have Christian fast-forward here.
pg 42 - It depends on how the director shoots this graphic scene here, but it does teether on NC-17 here. You'll turn off a bunch of readers with the Ferris Bueller gimmick, but with this scene, you'll lose almost all female readers... I'd seriously consider reviewing/rewriting this.
pg 44 - Alex? Find/Replace Alex to Danny.
pg 46 - the ceremony fills like filler. You can cut almost all of this and just say a typical religious procession is happening.
pg 49 - I wonder if the Cain/Abel story is mean as an allegory to Iago killing Danny? it doesn't fit though as Christian says "Crime does pay. Not by punishment, but by rewards..." But all Iago gets for committing murder is pain.
pg 59 - Iago spilling his guts out to his brother. Iago comes off as a whiny guy. He hasn't done much to warrant my empathy here. Maybe that's your intention?
End - feels like it just ended here. Not much resolution. Feels more like a Twilight Zone, come for the next episode end here.

Congrats on getting this done. You're trying something very difficult here (mish mash of Ferris Bueller / Groundhog Day in a Horror setting). IMHO, Christian's comedic relief clashes with the horror/thriller atmosphere. You'll need to really gut out some stuff and flesh out the story more. Develop a stronger B/C story to carry your Act 2 so you can finish strong in Act 3. Good luck.

Hello Gabriel,

The opening of this doesn't work for me, for the sole fact that the character A. speaks to camera. B. TELLS us information about himself and the plot C. Far too much dialouge.

There's no hook in these first 3 pages. This speaking to camera might be a nice personal experiment, but it's old and stylised from decades ago.

There needs to be a balance of setting up the world we are about to enter with holding back information, so we want to turn the page/keep watching.

Eoin

Hey King,

Thanks for finishing.

Quoted Text Finally, finished it. Your style makes it easy to breeze through, but my only concern is that if you cut out some stuff - which I think you'll need to do - you'll end up with a short screenplay. Something too long for a short and too short for a feature.

I've got some ideas brewing to add onto here.

Quoted Text First, I still think you should be more upfront with who's we in the beginning. Instead of "Iago's tale" why not just be more upfront and have him say "Are you here for Iago's tale?" Then have the camera nod up and down.

I see what your saying. I think I have a way of fixing this. But I'm not putting that the camera nods up and down though.

Quoted Text Further, I still think you ought to put a "Note: " in the beginning stating what we the POV means. I see this often in found footage. It's stated clearly it's found footage (in italics) before Fade In. I know it's not found footage, but I'd rather set the expectations earlier on rather than anger/confuse the reader 5 pages in.

I don't get the confusion. It's prob I'm too close to the script but, I use we and us. I know it's a no-no to do so, but I believe it suits this material. The character breaks the 4th wall a lot.  

Quoted Text As for the story, I can identify the inciting incident (page 12 or so) and I think Act One ends in page 27-28 when Iago refuses to believe in what he's supposed to do. However, I could not identify Act 2 and 3. Part of the reason is because I don't think the characters don't change much. Iago ends up where he began, even trapped for eternity a la Twilight Zone. Christian's still an *rse.

Iago does change a bit but reverts back for sheer survival. He then realizes it's too late for him.

Quoted Text You have a mish-mash of Ferris Bueller (breaking 4th wall) and GroundHog Day. In Groundhog Day, you can clearly see how Phil (Bill Murray) changes as a character, even though his environment never changes. I just don't see that same character arc or change in Iago. Thus, when I get to the end, it felt like the story just ended.

Phil didn't kill his brother.  And Iago did try to reform but, he was too late though. He shouldn't have killed his brother.

Quoted Text I don't like how you describe Gianni as "porn star hot." Especially when you hint how Iago is jealous of his brother because he has such a "great girl." I'd understand if Gianni was in the mold of Katie Holmes (pre-Scientology), as the classic girl-next-door, but she's not. So I don't empathize with Iago. Danny doesn't come off as a great character to root for either.

In regards to women, to each his own . lol. Joking. I get it. I'm experimenting with my descriptions. And that's what I saw her as.

Mind explaining about not rooting for Danny? He doesn't do anything wrong and he tries to help his brother.

Quoted Text Usually, if Act 2 isn't clicking, there usually isn't a B or C story. Something that works off your main theme. In Groundhog Day, Phil was looking for a way to break the loop, but then he also started wooing the female character, which eventually led to a inner quest to rediscover himself. It's that type of depth I don't see here.

This is hell. lol. There's no escape from hell unless Iago does what Christian says. And still. It's like that tale about the guy who has to push the boulder up the mountain to only watch it fall down.

But I'm thinking of some things to add that depth and change your looking for.  

Quoted Text Even if you did not care much about the character drama, the plot didn't have as much twists/turns. Christian was barely threatened. Iago keeps trying but always it stays the same. I know this was your intent in the end, but then it begs the question, why go through forty-fifty minutes of doing the same thing with the same results?

Christian's not going to get threatened. It's like a human challenging Satan. Satan's not going to worry.

Iago does try his best to not do what Christian wants him to do. But it's too late for him to try. Now he has to live with the mistake. That's the resolution. I'll see if I can make this more clear.

Quoted Text Lastly, check your use of "your" versus "you're". This issue pops up a lot.

Alright. Will do.

Quoted Text pg 13 - Are the visions flashbacks? Later on you do mark them as flashbacks.

They are not visions nor flashbacks. When I label them as flashbacks, it's because Iago's thinking back to them.

He actually killed his brother. When he thinks back, he's trying to figure what's going on. I'm hinting at the time loop.

Quoted Text pg 18 - "this morning and," should be "this morning, and" pg 20 - should be "scared" not "sacred" pg 21 - should be "grins at his hello"

will fix these.

Quoted Text pg 23 - Is it necessary to repeat Christian's orders here? Also, here Christian's look feels more comedic. I don't know if that's your intention, but it does clashes with the thriller tension you're trying to build.

Iago remembers what he needs to do. I'm giving you insight to how Iago thinks.  

Christian's cocky. And sometimes when your cocky, you're funny.  

Quoted Text pg 26 - this exchange doesn't make sense here: IAGO - There's some things you don't tell me as well. DANNY - Like? IAGO - I can't remember them... it's nitpicky but if I was Danny I would have responded, "if you've got no examples, then why bring it up?"

Danny counters with the health issue. That shuts Iago down. Wanted to portray Danny as superior, and Iago inferior.

Quoted Text pg 33 - "he wants to hurt me" not "he's wants..."

Will fix.

Quoted Text pg 39 - "A couple minutes pass before he returns..." The way this is written you - it can be interpreted that "we" watch at nothing for a few minutes, when nothing happens. Use a LATER mini-slug here or have Christian fast-forward here.

I'll think about it. He does come back.

Quoted Text pg 42 - It depends on how the director shoots this graphic scene here, but it does teether on NC-17 here. You'll turn off a bunch of readers with the Ferris Bueller gimmick, but with this scene, you'll lose almost all female readers... I'd seriously consider reviewing/rewriting this.

My first time writing this. I usually don't include this type of rape scene. But, I thought that Christian wants to punish Iago good so, harm everyone.

Quoted Text pg 44 - Alex? Find/Replace Alex to Danny.

Will fix that error. Thanks for noting it.

Quoted Text pg 46 - the ceremony fills like filler. You can cut almost all of this and just say a typical religious procession is happening.

I wanted to emphasis the Eucharist procession since what Christian does afterwards.  I wanted a WTF! moment that everyone in the church feels.

Quoted Text pg 49 - I wonder if the Cain/Abel story is mean as an allegory to Iago killing Danny? it doesn't fit though as Christian says "Crime does pay. Not by punishment, but by rewards..." But all Iago gets for committing murder is pain.

Christian's trying to convince Iago to kill his brother. That's Iago's arc. Iago doesn't want to but ends up doing it.

Quoted Text pg 59 - Iago spilling his guts out to his brother. Iago comes off as a whiny guy. He hasn't done much to warrant my empathy here. Maybe that's your intention?

What would you like him to do? I'm really asking. lol. Iago's being honest with him yet, his brother interprets it the wrong way.

Quoted Text End - feels like it just ended here. Not much resolution. Feels more like a Twilight Zone, come for the next episode end here.

I did intend this to be a Twilight Zone feel but with a resolution that Iago set himself up for this. And his brother too.

Quoted Text Congrats on getting this done. You're trying something very difficult here (mish mash of Ferris Bueller / Groundhog Day in a Horror setting). IMHO, Christian's comedic relief clashes with the horror/thriller atmosphere. You'll need to really gut out some stuff and flesh out the story more. Develop a stronger B/C story to carry your Act 2 so you can finish strong in Act 3. Good luck.

I see what you mean. Thanks again.

Let me know what script you would like me to read.
Gabe

Hey Eoin

Thanks for insight.

Quoted Text The opening of this doesn't work for me, for the sole fact that the character A. speaks to camera. B. TELLS us information about himself and the plot C. Far too much dialouge.

He is driving. It helps pass the time while he's driving. And he's introducing himself to us.  

Once he arrives at the location, he's telling us b.g. info so we are up to date.

Quoted Text There's no hook in these first 3 pages. This speaking to camera might be a nice personal experiment, but it's old and stylised from decades ago.

Vampires, Zombies, and Werewolves are old and stylized but they're still making them. lol.  

Quoted Text There needs to be a balance of setting up the world we are about to enter with holding back information, so we want to turn the page/keep watching.

Alright. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.
Gabe

The choices you make as a writer, in relation to story, structure, characters etc should be INFORMED, not done out of necessity, because the circustances dictate them. I understand WHY you have your character speak to camera, but the REASON, he is alone, isn't a good enough one, especially since it dictates the opening of the film and sets the tone and style. The same introduction can be achieve in more creative ways that SHOW who he is, by what he does.

Hey Eoin

It's a difficult balance between showing and telling when dealing with breaking the 4th wall, I admit. I'm going to work on that. I'm just explaining my choices.

All I wanted was to be clear on certain points. Also, I wanted to give the reader insight to Christian's persona. You can identify a character from his actions and dialogue. Since this is low budget, I'll have to put more weight on dialogue rather than actions. For instance, I wanted to identify him as a shape shifting demon and not a shape shifting creature, alien, or whatever people may come up with so, I had Christian introduce himself as such. Problem solved. Didn't have to show him as a demon or didn't have to confuse people in trying to figure what Christian is. Straight off the back, he introduced himself. Sometimes exposition is needed to convey certain messages across.

What reason do you think he's alone? I'm honestly curious. I wanted to open up with a bang so I thought I'll start with Christian "working". It can then flow from there to Iago's tale.    

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Bumping this up so I can some reads.

I will read it. I'm just super busy trying to get ready for the TTD shoot next week. Besides, I still have two 7WC scripts and a private script to read first.

I feel stressed?!!!