Hey, Gabe. Not sure if you're still looking for reads but I read this anyway.

The page number was at a small 65 so I couldn't refuse .

Although there were things to be loved about this script, there was a lot more to not enjoy. Let me start by saying the wacky story telling you tried implementing here. I really could not buy it. The first few pages worked fine but then it just got a little absurd when Christian actually became a relevant character in the story. His constant grins and winks to us just didn't work IMO. If I saw it on screen, I'd feel like ripping my eyes out.

Also, the camera? I couldn't imagine it, not even once. Basically this was one whole solid uncut film? Because even when Christian clicked his fingers, we were still filming. Obviously that's not the case when we change locations but the camera angle at one position would get really tedious to watch. I'd suggest ditching this Doc style unless you can find a more subtle way to implement it into the script.

Now, for the story, which I thought was the strongest part about the script. It was good, original. I loved this "Life in the day of a Demon". Really nicely done. My only gripe is that it needs to be extended.

The realization for Iago happened too fast for me, he rewinds the day like three times until he finally gives up, or actually finds why he is in hell. Which brings me to another point, he only realizes this because his brother tells him? Meaning if he just asked him that question on page 15, Christian would've cried back to his office and Iago wouldn't have had to have his eye lids ripped off, at least we would never see it happen... What I'm saying is, it should come naturally to him, he should find out himself that he's in hell, it just makes for a better story IMO.

Another thing I couldn't get past were the one dimensional characters. None of them had any depth except for Christian. Iago was just this little pussy who couldn't get past the fact this his brother was better than him, which he was but that's no reason to kill somebody. If that's why he actually killed him at the beginning of the script? If it really was jealousy, I'd suggest making it a lot more evident for dumb folks like me who need things spelt out .

As it stands now, it's lacking content. I can see you scrapped 20 pages which is great but a little more scenes would really benefit this script. Or a little less and you could turn this into a TV pilot, maybe every episode we follow another one of Christian's "victims" . I dunno but IMO it still needs a few more rewrites until it's ready for competitions or even production. Good luck with it.

Hey nawazm11

Thanks for the read.

Documentary style - I presume that's why Mark mentioned this could be made into a webisode. lol.

I never intended it to be documentary since that will imply that someone's operating the camera like Blair Witch. When writing this script, I was thinking more of Ferris Bueller.

Christian has narrator and character - He is the narrator and Iago's antagonist. I will say that the narrator side gives this script a little oomph in not being told normally.    
I tried to be original in the narrator side which I believe I've accomplished in having Christian acknowledge that he is narrator and giving him little perks to move the story along. I would even go further in saying that the scene changes in this script are at least backed by reason (Christian tells us where we're going).

Danny and Gianna - they were never main characters. My main focus was on Iago and Christian. Danny and Gianna help Iago in his journey.

And, I would like to say Danny's a full character. He gets his brother to love him after a lot of trying (even though, he doesn't remember most of those times). Granted it could be wrong, I'm simply making a point. lol.  

But I would take this all into consideration when I rewrite this script.

Let me know if you want something read.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I remember you suggesting that I read this when I posted my thread about wanting reads for the weekend. Just wanted to let you know that I have finally started reading this one and you should have some feedback, by tomorrow. I'm up to page 20, and, despite the few trip ups with some of the writing at the start, it's going well. I'll give all my notes when I've finished with the entire script.

Cheers,

Dan

No problem. Thanks for the read Dan.

Any notes are appreciated. Looking to revise soon.

Let me know if you would like me to read something of yours.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

It's not very often where I can say that I opened up a horror script about demons and I actually enjoyed it. So, I guess you can understand when I say that I went into this script with negative thoughts already flying through my head. I've had bad experiences with films involving demons before, so why should this one be any different? It seems I was mistaken, as I was actually pleasantly surprised how much I actually enjoyed this.

The plot, for me, wasn't particularly great. I mean how many times have we seen a story about a demon doing Satan's work? Quite a lot, I'd say. However, I did think that the way you told the story was original and was certainly a method I've never seen before. That method (along with a very funny antagonist, more on that later) was really what kept me going with this. It was quick and was definitely worth the time spent on this. You have managed to create a story which has it's moments in just about every aspect. You have the drama, the comedy, the love and of course, how could I forget those finger-biting moments of horror. Through combining all of this, you have managed to create a script that any reader can't help loving.

The dialogue... There's not a lot I can say on that to be honest. Yes, it was great and kept me interested. Good job there.

Christian... An ironic name for one of Satan's employees, don't you think? Couldn't help but laugh at that.

The script has it's golden moments, which I thought were executed brilliantly. One I thought deserved a point-out was 'The Word according to Christian' scene. Just awesome The way Christian presented himself in that scene was amusing, yet I got the whole villain feel to it. You identify his true character in that scene, and I really thought that was just written to perfection.

One thing that concerned me a little was the fact that I loved your antagonist. Your 'portrayal of evil' if I can call it that, was the character I most enjoyed reading about. He's funny. Funny is an invitation for an audience to love certain characters. Think about all your favourite movies, then think about your favourite characters in each one. They are bound to be (in my cases, at least) the characters that use that humour tool to get their way or to manipulate the audience into loving them. Think of Jack Sparrow or Ronald Weasley. So, my main concern comes with this. Your funniest character is the one that the audience is supposed to hate, despise. When an audience loves a villain more than the main character, it defeats the purpose of the story you are trying to tell. What's the use of portraying 'good overcoming evil' when the audience prefers the evil character, anyway? -- Hope I'm making sense with this all.

I didn't feel like the script got off to a particularly good start. You started on some pretty awkward sentences, which was a bit of a turn off. For example...

Page 1: "He's dressed business casual..." - That just doesn't read very comfortably to be completely honest.

"He stands in front of someone's car whose windshield is riddled with bullets." - The use of 'someone's car' doesn't do it for me. I'd try something along the lines of this...

"He stands in front of a car, the windshield riddled with bullets."

"The older man smiles as he speaks to us." - Think it's a little obvious who he's speaking to. There's no one else in the car, right?


Page 4:

                         CHRISTIAN
                (to us)
      The one showering is Iago, my
      target. A unemployed twenty six
      year old writer.

- Don't you mean 'an unemployed...?'

Page 5: "DANNY'S ORGANIZED BEDROOM" - I think this would be better off just having "DANNY'S BEDROOM" then go on to explain how organized it is. JMHO.

Page 7: "EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST - NIGHT" - Again, why not just "EXT. FOREST - NIGHT" ?? You get the same point across like that, IMO.

Also on Page 7...

"...where the...

EXT DEEP HOLE - NIGHT

is located at." - Don't need the 'at' in this.

My picky side is coming through, now. Sorry about that

I've just had a read through my notes from yesterday and I have written down "Make a note of the slugs. They're pissing me off..." - Yeah, I was in a not-so-great mood when I wrote that, but what I did mean was the way you put a lot of detail in some of the slugs got annoying from time-to-time. I'm referring to the slugs that read "SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST" or similar. It just really isn't necessary IMO.

Page 23:

                DANNY (O.S.)
    Iago.

- Shouldn't it be a (V.O.) instead?

Page 27: "ALEX'S BEDROOM" - Who the hell is Alex and where is his bedroom?

Page 44:

               DANNY
   Do you hear what your saying?

- "Your" should be "you're." Watch out for those. They trip a lot of writers up.

Page 60: "Iago thinks about what he's going to do." - The first un-filmable that I picked up in this one. Considering that I'm close to the end, that's pretty impressive.

Page 65:

               CHRISTIAN
    Hope you enjoyed it. If you like
    that, let me now at this website.

- "now" should be "know" You haven't got that website up, by any chance yet, have you? Would be pretty cool if you did

Look, as stated earlier, I really liked this. Maybe just a quick re-write to polish it up, but other than that, some great work.

Cheers,

Dan

Thanks Dan.

All comments are appreciated.

I'll fix the slugs. lol. That comment you wrote for yourself made me laugh. I'll also fix the other errors you've pointed out.

Quoted Text So, I guess you can understand when I say that I went into this script with negative thoughts already flying through my head. I've had bad experiences with films involving demons before, so why should this one be any different?

Totally understand. I do the same. But thankfully, I changed your mind. lol.

Quoted Text One thing that concerned me a little was the fact that I loved your antagonist. Your 'portrayal of evil' if I can call it that, was the character I most enjoyed reading about. He's funny. Funny is an invitation for an audience to love certain characters. Think about all your favourite movies, then think about your favourite characters in each one. They are bound to be (in my cases, at least) the characters that use that humour tool to get their way or to manipulate the audience into loving them. Think of Jack Sparrow or Ronald Weasley. So, my main concern comes with this. Your funniest character is the one that the audience is supposed to hate, despise. When an audience loves a villain more than the main character, it defeats the purpose of the story you are trying to tell. What's the use of portraying 'good overcoming evil' when the audience prefers the evil character, anyway? -- Hope I'm making sense with this all.

I see your point about Christian but, I created it for that reason. I learned this from the Candyman featurette that in horror movies, people usually root for the villains. Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, Freddy Kreugar, John Kramer (Jigsaw), etc. There is a reason why they don't die or are resurrected for sequels. lol. We remember them for different reasons, yet their the villains. I want to make Christian memorable as them. I have sequels in mind for him.

Quoted Text The script has it's golden moments, which I thought were executed brilliantly. One I thought deserved a point-out was 'The Word according to Christian' scene. Just awesome The way Christian presented himself in that scene was amusing, yet I got the whole villain feel to it. You identify his true character in that scene, and I really thought that was just written to perfection.

Thanks. I absolutely love that scene. If this were to get made, I can never cut that out. .  

Quoted Text Christian... An ironic name for one of Satan's employees, don't you think?

Life is filled with ironies. lol.  

Glad you enjoyed it. I will go back and revise this once I'm done rewriting another feature. Planning to see if I can expand this a bit more. Maybe to the 80 page range.

Gabe

Dark Entrance.

Major points for beginning your script with ACTION.  Even if it was minor and not epic, we still got some gun shots and dead bodies.  Enough to keep a reader semi-interested and wanting to read more.  So often I open up a script and I am immediately turned off by how boring the first page is.  I wish people would spice things up:  shoot outs, bar room brawls, raunchy sex scenes.  Anything like that, if not on page 1, I’d like to see it within the first 10-15 pages or I totally zone out.  Note:  It also helps that this script is only 65 Pages long so it makes the reader less intimidated.

Ok.  Ten pages in and Iago (I’m assuming he’s one of your main characters) makes this impression on me:  not very bright.  Is he supposed to be dragging Danny’s body in the “elongated trash bag”?  From the room to the elevator and out to the car -- in broad daylight?  Sounds kind of dicey.  Then he goes to bury his brother and he doesn’t even have a hole ready?  Makes him look ridiculous.  Why not make Iago chop up Danny into pieces?  No corpse, no case.  Makes Iago colder -- and smarter -- as if he’s been planning his brother’s death for years, or months, instead of some spur-of-the-moment deal.

I like that Dark Entrance is a very fast-paced read.  It moves along quickly.  Never a moment of boredom, never a moment where I felt like X’ing out of the script.  However, it reads like a really, really low budget script.  Mediocre dialogue and stale characters -- Christian is supposed to be a badass demon but comes across as a cringe-worthy character.  Gianna could be used a little more, even if she takes up the “porn star” appearance of just being there to be hot.  Why not have her stop and say something to Iago while she’s delivering the Chinese food for the umpteenth time:  “Hey loser, why does it feel like I’m seeing your ugly face more often than usual?”  Something like that. . . you could play with little things along those lines.  

This definitely has a very low budget feel to it.  I can picture it on screen.  No name actors delivering lines that make you want to wince.  It needs some touching up and character readjustments.  Keep the fast paced feel, though -- it was great reading a script without clunky descriptions and dialogue -- although at some points you had big blocks of dialogue.  Which makes me think of the Cain/Abel joke that Christian spews out.  It feels rushed.  Use better slang, make it sound like a natural joke.

Thanks Reaper550,

You've brought up some good points that others have mentioned. I will try to fix those in the next rewrite which I plan on doing once I'm done rewriting a script.  

Quoted Text Major points for beginning your script with ACTION.  Even if it was minor and not epic, we still got some gun shots and dead bodies.  Enough to keep a reader semi-interested and wanting to read more.  So often I open up a script and I am immediately turned off by how boring the first page is.  I wish people would spice things up:  shoot outs, bar room brawls, raunchy sex scenes.  Anything like that, if not on page 1, I�d like to see it within the first 10-15 pages or I totally zone out.  Note:  It also helps that this script is only 65 Pages long so it makes the reader less intimidated.

Thanks. I always like these type of movies that have action in the beginning. It's a good way of bringing people in. I also did to reveal Christian.

Quoted Text Ok.  Ten pages in and Iago (I�m assuming he�s one of your main characters) makes this impression on me:  not very bright.  Is he supposed to be dragging Danny�s body in the �elongated trash bag�?  From the room to the elevator and out to the car -- in broad daylight?  Sounds kind of dicey.  Then he goes to bury his brother and he doesn�t even have a hole ready?  Makes him look ridiculous.  Why not make Iago chop up Danny into pieces?  No corpse, no case.  Makes Iago colder -- and smarter -- as if he�s been planning his brother�s death for years, or months, instead of some spur-of-the-moment deal.

That whole sequence takes place in the night. I also wanted to show that it was a spur of the moment deal. Iago's not a calculating killer. He's just a guy trying to not get caught. I also wanted to add suspense to the whole sequence.

Quoted Text like that Dark Entrance is a very fast-paced read.  It moves along quickly.  Never a moment of boredom, never a moment where I felt like X�ing out of the script.  However, it reads like a really, really low budget script.  Mediocre dialogue and stale characters -- Christian is supposed to be a badass demon but comes across as a cringe-worthy character.  Gianna could be used a little more, even if she takes up the �porn star� appearance of just being there to be hot.  Why not have her stop and say something to Iago while she�s delivering the Chinese food for the umpteenth time:  ï¿½Hey loser, why does it feel like I�m seeing your ugly face more often than usual?�  Something like that. . . you could play with little things along those lines.

It was intended to be fast paced and low budget. lol. Thought it would sway producers, directors, etc. to pick this up since it's low budget.

Gianna would definitely get an upgrade to major character status. I'll see what I can do about Christian.  

Thanks again for the read and review.

Gabe