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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Roadkill Moderators: bert
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  Author    Roadkill  (currently 1246 views)
LC
Posted: February 6th, 2021, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, the premise of them needing to go out there is crucial.
I think it comes down they need to get out there to save their own skins, not just cause he wants his bag of loot.
Perhaps the gun or other weapon ends up out there somehow?

Agree that there needs to be a more believable reason for our characters to even consider stepping out from the safety of the RV. Guess that solves my question above. Lol.

The gun at Amber's head is pretty compelling but would he shoot her at this point?
The others don't give a feck about the money.  Money or your life - no contest.
It all works pretty well but Amber can easily stand up to him and say - you said you're not a killer, and bravely stand her ground.

I'll read it again and see if any other suggestions come to mind.

Oh, and I was reminded of the tree-monster in A Monster Calls - visually, I mean, crossed with the Jeepers Creepers Monster.

And, came across this one:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050414/

That last one is purely for laughs.

Love the poster, Sean!


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eldave1
Posted: February 7th, 2021, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Zack/Sean:

Had some time over coffee this morning so thought I would give the first 30 a read.

First, tt’s a breeze of a read. Nicely paced. Crisp solid wiring - I can see this is something getting made. So - they were a lot of things I liked. I am only going to comment on things I think need improvement or clarity.

In the opening, there are a couple of spots where Troy and Wes sound like lifetime friends and a couple of spots where it sounds like they met just a few days ago.

Wes doesn’t know that Troy calls his camper Shirley. Doesn’t seem to know the name of Troy’s ex.  BUT - Troy knows Wes well enough to invite him on a camping trip. Have him participate in his engagement.

So I was kind of lost – are they lifetime friends or did they just meet?


Quoted Text
AMBER
Troy, I love the idea of you taking us all the way out here, but I checked the forecast. This storm is supposed to be a bad one


Too much exposition. And it should be more of a surprise  – an unexpected storm or otherwise why would they go camping?? Something like:

AMBER
I just checked the forecast. The storm’s turned our way.

TROY
That's impossible. It was headed due west. Double check.

THUNDER in the distance


Something like that - the point being - the storm should be a surprise - a big powerful one that was supposed to miss them by miles taking ominous turns towards them.



Quoted Text
AMBER
I can't believe I'm related to you.


Related?

The VHS tape security camera is about 20 years old in terms of technology and i
it’s a tired trope anyway – I would just nuke the camera thing altogether – not really needed.

PAGE 28 – the dialogue between REDFIELD and O CONNER was way to exposition-laden IMO.  They are sharing information which each other regarding this urban legend that they already know and would have shared before – I think you need this information in the story – but I think you need a more creative way to introduce it.  A thought – you kind of waste the teenage girls that visit the store earlier – why not have them ask the boy (the one manning the store counter) about it – you know – is it true what they say….. In other words - let them intro the urban legend idea.

Anyway - IMO - this is going to be a winner - I hate the genre, but found the read easy - so for those who like the genre - this should be spot on.





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: February 7th, 2021, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Gave this a read this morning, got through it in one sitting. Really quick read that ticks all the standard horror tropes.

I enjoyed it for what it was and it would be something I'd watch.

SPOILERS

The issue, which I assume both writer's know, is that there is nothing really new here. As Libby said, this draws inspiration from horrors that have come before it. The film I thought of quite early in the script was Splinter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter_(2008_film):

A young couple going on a camping trip run into some criminals and face down a monster that kinda absorbs people. The criminal sacrifices himself for the good guys.

It's pretty standard for horrors to be quite formula based but I still think the comparison is worth pointing out.

What I liked:

Quick, easy read with some great kills.

What I didn't like:

How very familiar it felt.

The standard horror stoner, it's just so over done.

This dialogue towards the end was pretty cringe (quoted below). I like that you acknowledge he's grasping at straws, but why even grasp. This is a horror where stuff happens because it happens, so I would suggest getting rid of that dialogue altogether and just allow the audience to assume. I mean you do lay it out relatively clearly, especially towards the end where the cops blood regenerates the creature etc.


Quoted Text
SKEET
It's wearin' their bodies! Like...
Like it's some kind of... Warrior or
somethin'!



Quoted Text
SKEET
It didn't take those old people's
bodies... But it took your man, and
your brother... Maybe... Maybe it's
like... Gettin' some kind of life from
wearin' their bodies!



Quoted Text
SKEET
Throw me a bone! I'm graspin' at
straws here.


I thought that Amber got over her boyfriends death a little too quickly.

Did just the collision ignite the firework? Is that a thing that can happen? Just left me scratching my head for a moment.

I'm not sure what draft this is but there are a few typos in there that need cleaning up, also some awkward phrasing here and there.

Like I said, I did enjoy it for what it was, but at this point you are both pretty good writers with a good amount of horrors under your belt, so why not push for something different and unique, something that doesn't have to lean so heavily on worn out horror tropes?

Good luck with this one.



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Zack
Posted: February 11th, 2021, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry for the late response. Been a hectic couple of days.

"Zack, the premise of them needing to go out there is crucial.
I think it comes down they need to get out there to save their own skins, not just cause he wants his bag of loot.
Perhaps the gun or other weapon ends up out there somehow?"

I completely agree with you. Another gun in the bag is a good idea. Need to think on this more. Thanks again for reading, Libby.

"Had some time over coffee this morning so thought I would give the first 30 a read.

First, tt’s a breeze of a read. Nicely paced. Crisp solid wiring - I can see this is something getting made. So - they were a lot of things I liked."

Thanks for giving this a look. Much appreciated.

"In the opening, there are a couple of spots where Troy and Wes sound like lifetime friends and a couple of spots where it sounds like they met just a few days ago.

Wes doesn’t know that Troy calls his camper Shirley. Doesn’t seem to know the name of Troy’s ex.  BUT - Troy knows Wes well enough to invite him on a camping trip. Have him participate in his engagement.

So I was kind of lost – are they lifetime friends or did they just meet?"

You're spot on with the character inconsistencies here. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Will fix it immediately. Also like your suggestion about the incoming storm dialog. Good stuff.

"The VHS tape security camera is about 20 years old in terms of technology and i
it’s a tired trope anyway – I would just nuke the camera thing altogether – not really needed."

You're probably right here. lol

"PAGE 28 – the dialogue between REDFIELD and O CONNER was way to exposition-laden IMO.  They are sharing information which each other regarding this urban legend that they already know and would have shared before – I think you need this information in the story – but I think you need a more creative way to introduce it.  A thought – you kind of waste the teenage girls that visit the store earlier – why not have them ask the boy (the one manning the store counter) about it – you know – is it true what they say….. In other words - let them intro the urban legend idea."

Another great idea! Thanks, Dude.

"Anyway - IMO - this is going to be a winner - I hate the genre, but found the read easy - so for those who like the genre - this should be spot on."

Thank's a ton for giving this a look, Dave. You've given a bunch of great suggestions that I'm definitely going to use.

"Gave this a read this morning, got through it in one sitting. Really quick read that ticks all the standard horror tropes.

I enjoyed it for what it was and it would be something I'd watch."

I'll take that as a huge compliment.

"The issue, which I assume both writer's know, is that there is nothing really new here. As Libby said, this draws inspiration from horrors that have come before it. The film I thought of quite early in the script was Splinter (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splinter_(2008_film):

A young couple going on a camping trip run into some criminals and face down a monster that kinda absorbs people. The criminal sacrifices himself for the good guys.

It's pretty standard for horrors to be quite formula based but I still think the comparison is worth pointing out."

Yeah, the lack of originality falls squarely on my shoulders. I've seen Splinter. Awesome flick. There are definitely some similarities, particularly with the setup. But that was not intentional. lol

"What I liked:

Quick, easy read with some great kills."

Happy we delivered in the kills department.

"What I didn't like:

How very familiar it felt.

The standard horror stoner, it's just so over done."

I love stoner characters! Lol

"I thought that Amber got over her boyfriends death a little too quickly."

Good point. Will fix that.

"Did just the collision ignite the firework? Is that a thing that can happen? Just left me scratching my head for a moment."

Nope. It just so happened that the firework exploded right as the collision occurs. I'll try to clean this up a bit to make it more clear.

"Like I said, I did enjoy it for what it was, but at this point you are both pretty good writers with a good amount of horrors under your belt, so why not push for something different and unique, something that doesn't have to lean so heavily on worn out horror tropes?

Good luck with this one."

Well, I can't speak for Sean, but I personally enjoy old horror tropes. Maybe it's like comfort food for me? Lol

Anyways. Thanks for the read, Warren. Very happy that you enjoyed it, despite the lack of originality.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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eldave1
Posted: February 11th, 2021, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Glad the notes helped - best of luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 12th, 2021, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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So, I was thinking on top of desperately needing to get out there to save their skins, (a gun or weapon or cellphone) what if Troy's backpack was a casualty of the crash? It goes through a window, or something, and the engagement ring is in there? Might be too hokey but I was trying to think of something of value with a strong motivation behind it - apart from the very real danger of them losing their heads.  

I also thought Amber got over Troy dying too fast.
Add a bit to that for sure.
But then we also know in horror movies often the grief has to take a back seat (at least temporarily) to survival.


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Kirsten
Posted: May 10th, 2021, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi guys, good job here, a fun ride. I liked the pace and danger, the RV ready to tip, her not knowing skeet is a killer. I liked the kills and the monster. The only thing I kept thinking of was it would be good if she gets chased by the monster, a scene with her running though the woods and the creepy monster running and jumping and flying through trees lol.... maybe once she's out of the RV and she has the back pack on. She does end up back out on the road, so skeet can come along with the car and do his thing...I just have this urge for her to be chased by it....hehe.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Zack
Posted: May 10th, 2021, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Kirsten
Hi guys, good job here, a fun ride. I liked the pace and danger, the RV ready to tip, her not knowing skeet is a killer. I liked the kills and the monster. The only thing I kept thinking of was it would be good if she gets chased by the monster, a scene with her running though the woods and the creepy monster running and jumping and flying through trees lol.... maybe once she's out of the RV and she has the back pack on. She does end up back out on the road, so skeet can come along with the car and do his thing...I just have this urge for her to be chased by it....hehe.


Thanks for reading, Kirsten. Happy you enjoyed it.

Really love the idea of there being a big chase sequence in the woods at the end. Sean and I are planning another rewrite, and we will definitely be adding that to the notes.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: May 14th, 2021, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys,

Congrats on finishing another draft. It was a quick and smooth read. I don’t believe I was confused at any point plot-wise. I know a few people mentioned this reminds them of Jeepers Creepers (and I know you mentioned its inspiration). Still, I’ve been studying Bryan Bertino and his The Monster also has some similarities. I don’t know if you have seen it, but it may be worth checking out.

I liked how the elderly coupled showed up again, especially because their interactions with police were so endearing. They ended up playing a larger role, and it’s for that reason I don’t think it’s necessary to have the teen girls fall, victim, at least on screen.

I felt the camper on a ledge was an effective ticking clock. I would actually lean into even more. For example, too much weight on one side may tip it at some point, so they have to be mindful of weight distribution or more shots of the edge when coming into scenes.

Another thing that I think you could possibly make more of is the proposal and ring. For example, when Skeet wants the boys to retrieve the money, he could say, unless you have something as valuable. Troy, Wes, and the audience would know that maybe the ring, so it puts the boys in this possible dilemma.

I really liked the scene when Troy calmed Skeet down, a really strong way to reveal character. It makes him appear very capable. The most capable of the three, making his conclusion all the more shocking (in a good way IMO).

I felt Skeets’s character was a little off-balance sometimes. I think he’s a difficult character to manage because he has this moral compass, but then he’s threatening the others and essentially putting his own life in danger for money. It’s hard to get beat on how I’m supposed to feel about him.

But, yeah, good luck on the next draft. Looking forward to reading it.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 15th, 2021, 6:37am Report to Moderator
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I forgot all about this one!!! Now I feel stressed. Got Dave's Baggage to finish too.  


.
SS, is still free...
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Zack
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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"Congrats on finishing another draft. It was a quick and smooth read. I don’t believe I was confused at any point plot-wise. I know a few people mentioned this reminds them of Jeepers Creepers (and I know you mentioned its inspiration). Still, I’ve been studying Bryan Bertino and his The Monster also has some similarities. I don’t know if you have seen it, but it may be worth checking out."

Thanks for giving this a read. Happy you enjoyed it. Love Bertino's The Strangers, but I've not heard of The Monster. I'll have to check it out.

"I liked how the elderly coupled showed up again, especially because their interactions with police were so endearing. They ended up playing a larger role, and it’s for that reason I don’t think it’s necessary to have the teen girls fall, victim, at least on screen."

Which teen girls are you talking about?

"I felt the camper on a ledge was an effective ticking clock. I would actually lean into even more. For example, too much weight on one side may tip it at some point, so they have to be mindful of weight distribution or more shots of the edge when coming into scenes."

Great suggestion, showing the camper over the edge between scene transitions. Would be an awesome way to build more tension.

"Another thing that I think you could possibly make more of is the proposal and ring. For example, when Skeet wants the boys to retrieve the money, he could say, unless you have something as valuable. Troy, Wes, and the audience would know that maybe the ring, so it puts the boys in this possible dilemma."

This actually never crossed my mind at all. Love the idea of the ring being used to bribe Skeet.

"I really liked the scene when Troy calmed Skeet down, a really strong way to reveal character. It makes him appear very capable. The most capable of the three, making his conclusion all the more shocking (in a good way IMO)."

This is all Sean. He's fantastic with character development.

"I felt Skeets’s character was a little off-balance sometimes. I think he’s a difficult character to manage because he has this moral compass, but then he’s threatening the others and essentially putting his own life in danger for money. It’s hard to get beat on how I’m supposed to feel about him."

Agree 100%. He's such a tough character to nail down, but I'm confident we'll get it figured out with the next draft. I want him to be a villain who turns into a hero by the end.

"But, yeah, good luck on the next draft. Looking forward to reading it."

Thanks again for reading, BLB. Hopefully it won't take us too long to get the next draft going. Sean and I would like to enter this script into some competitions, once we've tightened it up a bit more.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
Posted: May 16th, 2021, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I forgot all about this one!!! Now I feel stressed. Got Dave's Baggage to finish too.  


Don't stress yourself out, Lady! Read at your own pleasure.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from LC
So, I was thinking on top of desperately needing to get out there to save their skins, (a gun or weapon or cellphone) what if Troy's backpack was a casualty of the crash? It goes through a window, or something, and the engagement ring is in there? Might be too hokey but I was trying to think of something of value with a strong motivation behind it - apart from the very real danger of them losing their heads.  



Could have sworn I replied to this. SOrry for leaving you hanging, Libby!

I love the idea of Troy or Wes potentially trying to bribe Skeet with the engagement ring. I'm adding it to the (very long) list of notes for the rewrite! Thanks  for the suggestion.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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