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When a photography grad gets work interning for a wealthy entrepreneur, the last thing she expected was for his wife to be murdered, drawing her deeper into danger and directly in the killer’s sights.
Just came up with that, but that’s the basics. She ends up being a suspect - one of many - until there’s a final confrontation with the killer.
I will suggest changing “finds herself” to “must clear her name” or something akin to it. Other than that, the logline is good.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
I feel like it's missing a small bit of connective tissue -- specifically, why she's suddenly a suspect and why the real killer would target her.
Why is she a suspect? Was she there when the murder happened? Did the real killer frame her? If she's a new hire, the police would be able to rule her out pretty quickly as she has no history with the victim, and thus no obvious motive. Give us an idea of why the police would pursue her as a suspect.
Why would the killer target her? Did she snap a photo she doesn't realize contains a clue to the killer's identity? Is she a classic Dario Argento giallo protag -- she's noticed a detail or has information that could ID the killer, if only she could figure out how that detail or information plays into the case?
Just a couple questions I found myself asking. But while you do want your log line to make the reader ask questions, the question you want them to ask is, "Ooh, what happens next?" Not "Wait, what does any of this have to do with the protag?"
Otherwise what Zack wrote, with Mr. Ripley's suggested change (always better to make your protag appear active than passive) is pretty solid. It's just missing that little extra bit of hook, IMO.
I thought Zack's logline was perfect. Then Mr. Ripley and Dave tweaked it and I was sure it was flawless.
But now I really like Lon's idea of having the photo be a clue. Maybe it could be something like:
After the murder of her boss's wife, a photographer must unravel the mystery behind a strange photo that's made her the prime suspect - and the target of the true killer.
Or, if not in the logline, I'd definitely consider including a photograph into the plot in some way. Not necessarily the one major clue to proving her innocence like I wrote above. But you have a photography profession with the employer in the mix, seems like you gotta have a photo be an important clue. Although I'm saying all this without having read a word of the script...
I thought Zack's logline was perfect. Then Mr. Ripley and Dave tweaked it and I was sure it was flawless.
But now I really like Lon's idea of having the photo be a clue. Maybe it could be something like:
After the murder of her boss's wife, a photographer must unravel the mystery behind a strange photo that's made her the prime suspect - and the target of the true killer.
Or, if not in the logline, I'd definitely consider including a photograph into the plot in some way. Not necessarily the one major clue to proving her innocence like I wrote above. But you have a photography profession with the employer in the mix, seems like you gotta have a photo be an important clue. Although I'm saying all this without having read a word of the script...
If a photo is a part of that - then yes - I agree - add it
If a photo is a part of that - then yes - I agree - add it
A good point of clarification there, as reading back over my post it may appear as though I was giving the OP story suggestions. I wasn't, it was just a question that occurred to me as to why the killer would target someone who, in the log line as is, appears to be just some random employee who just happened to get caught up in a murder case. There has to be more to it to explain why she becomes such a major player or else it just feels arbitrary, a baseless plot machination. Obiwan didn't train Luke just because he was a bored farm boy he met. Morpheus didn't approach Neo just because he was some random hacker. And this protag can't become a major player in a murder case just because she happened to work for the victim's husband.
Of course I've not read the script, so for all I know the OP actually does include a story device to explain why the protag becomes so integral. He just needs to mention it in the logline.
Hey guys, great advice! Zack, Dave, James, Gabe, Lon... Did I miss anyone?
Anyway, yes, while working on a shoot, she actually snaps a photo of the killer, though they’re well concealed. The photo is blurry, but later a bracelet on the suspects wrist will provide the key clue that gives them away. Also, Jesse, our protagonist, also stumbles on the body of the victim while out there.
Great logline you guys came up with. I tried, but couldn’t nail this one. Another member, Kevin, pm’d me with what I thought was an outstanding logline, and that’s the one I went with. Lemme know what you think!
A shutterbug lands her dream internship with a wealthy entrepreneur only to get caught between the police and a crazed killer after the boss's wife is brutally murdered.
Apologies Steve if I'm muddying the waters, but...
Honestly, I'd just call her a photographer - I'm personally not fond of shutterbug - too fancy/try-hard. Jmh, of course. And Lon makes some good points too...
I really like Kev's suggestion but presumably the boss and the entrepreneur are one and the same, right? I'd simplify by not giving away ' the boss's wife' angle.
It comes down to - ...she finds herself the prime suspect in a brutal murder, on the run from the police, and the killer's next target.
Has she unwittingly got photographic evidence like Lon suggested?
After landing herself a dream job as photographer for a wealthy client, a young woman finds herself the prime suspect in a brutal murder when she unwittingly captures evidence of the crime (on film?) Now she's not only the run from police, but the target of a deranged killer.
Or simpler:
After landing herself a dream job for a wealthy client, a young woman finds herself not only on the run from police but also the target of a deranged killer after unwittingly capturing photographic evidence of the crime.
Or:
After landing her dream job as photographer for a wealthy client a young woman unwiitingly captures evidence of a brutal crime on film, making her not only the prime suspect in a murder, but also the target of a deranged killer.
Feel free to ignore all btw. Everyone's got an opinion.
After a young interning photographer becomes suspect #1 in the brutal murder of her wealthy boss's wife, she must prove her innocence, before the real killer can silence her forever.