I didn't think it started slow. I just wasn't impressed by the first act. The only cool part about it is how his steel plates kept the injection from going in. I was still not really that into it. I think the way Roger's relationship with his wife was introduced made me not care about them and not connect with him as much for the rest of the story where he was grieving.

You are correct about the way they are introduced. Which shows the power of first impressions. Excellent point. I noticed that when I read. While eventually we understand why they grew apart as a couple(she finds out he has an assassin chip in his head), because we meet them when they are not close, it greatly reduces our capacity to care. Perhaps that could be addressed with flashbacks from happier times. If there were such flashes, I forget.

I read to page 35 last night and I think it's been entertaining so far, a lot if mystery surrounding the story but it never comes off as confusing and makes you want to continue.  I have to say that I've been impressed so far and enjoyed it.

If anyone has a copy, please send it to reggiebeltran@hotmail.com.

Scriptshadow is  pretty rough on amateur so I'm interested what the fuss is all about. Thanks.

Ok - I got the script. Thanks!

I got around to knocking out the first ten this morning...

Dug how the killers were introduced...
One completely emotional based... our wheelchair killer.
The other, completely logic driven... our remote pilot.

That screams to me already these two blokes are primed for conflict.
So, yeah, I'll continue.

Regards,
E.D.

It's worth reading, Brett. not just for what works in the script, but for what doesn't work, and yet doesn't damage the script. If the story was flawless, I think there would be less it could teach us as writers.

This is a solid script and I can see why it sold.  There was a real precision to the writing and the story just kept gaining momentum to the point where you're wondering "how's he gonna end this thing?"  The concept itself is really nothing new, just a mash-up of Manchurian Candidate and Bourne.  But the writer has a definite gift for phrasing and managed to make a well-trodden idea seem fresh.

SPOILERS

I like how the story got moving right away, but I had problems with the logic in that opening scene.  I'n not sure if it's possible to barf up an object like a shiv and if you could, it wouldn't be a weapon where you could hack your hand off with a couple of strikes.  You'd need a hatchet to do what the prisoner did to his arm.

Similar logic issue with the scene where the Arsonist and Nurse attempt to fake the Hero's death.  Why wait until someone shoved a tube down your throat and dump whiskey into you?  Why not just attack as soon as you were ready?  I suppose the answer is it sets up the scene more dramatically, but it was still hard to buy.

Still, the story just kept moving.  One technique the writer used well was the timing of the deaths of some of the key characters.  Usually you can "feel" in these scripts when something bad is about to happen, but this script kept me on my toes.  And it did have a satisfying wrap-up.

Ryan, I agree on the Arsonist and the Nurse scene completely. But ironically, that is what makes this scene work, too. The idea of him sitting there coolly watching is what makes the scene intriguing and is what really tells us something about the determination of the protag.

The lesson for me when I read the scene was that not every scene in a story has to make perfect sense, as this scene definitely does not make sense. That scene probably more than any other sold this script, even though it was illogical.

I did think the story dragged in the middle. My suggestion was to have the protag figure out he had a chip in his own head at the midpoint. That would ramp up the stakes for every scene that followed.

Hey Guys,

Picking this up from page ten this morning...

Some of the descriptions are a real mouthful for me.
Such as this one on page thirteen...

Roger waits in the visitor’s chair, face a portrait of raw,
freshly widowered devastation.

I know what just happened, was that thesaurus explosion really needed?

Did anyone else find Dr. Nethercutt's speeches long winded?
Pages sixteen and seventeen were a bit of a slog for me.

Stopping at the flash drive discovery on page 27 today...
Poor dog having to carry around all that plot without even so much as a thank you!

I wish I got to see Roger and Jocelyn do something together.
The in bed relationship report was fairly irksome and transparent.
Could even generate some feeling watching family vids post mortem.
Something. Anything.

I dig Edmund, even though his moniker is a bit too Robocop for my liking.

Regards,
E.D.

I'll pick this up from page 27 this morning...
So far, I think it's a pretty distilled story.
And that has its pros and cons.
So we'll see what the second act brings...

P. 29
I'm thinking all this Darryl Lee business would make a good opening grabber.
Rather see this great stuff than get the library treatment.

P. 37
And just like that, the Nurse/Arsonist scene derails tons of credibility for me.
Even if it's medically sound, I just don't buy Roger's ace in the nape.
I expect stuff like that from Mission:Impossible tropes, not Manchurian Candidate.

Putting on the brakes at page 46 today...

The exposition explosion at the Fusion Center was hard to take for me.
Dialogue was was not overtly verbose, but we don't know these characters either.
I felt like I was doing double duty while catching all the Middle East tap dancing.

That being said, the overall narrative clarity comes through on the page.
Though I'm wondering if Edmund will return...
To me, he's the most dynamic character so far.

Regards,
E.D.

I agree with several of your points, Brett, and there's a profound lesson in that. Had he posted his script here and received these types of reviews, he would have obtained the impression that he wrote a stinker. And yet this script got him signed to a major studio. There has to be a lesson in that.

In some ways, I don't think the script has ever been written that would receive a glowing review from writers. That probably reflects several things: how truly hard this craft is; how great movies probably began as imperfect scripts that are improved at various stages of production; how we writers often focus on what doesn't work instead of what works in a script.

I'm not sure what any of this means, but it's worth thinking about.

Quoted from leitskev I agree with several of your points, Brett, and there's a profound lesson in that. Had he posted his script here and received these types of reviews, he would have obtained the impression that he wrote a stinker. And yet this script got him signed to a major studio. There has to be a lesson in that.

Hey Kev,

Apologies if my thoughts gave the impression I dislike the script.
That's not the case. But that Arsonist/Nurse Kathy stuff was comparatively sub par.
Not having a proverbial tongue cluck until page 37? That's pretty smooth.
The rest is serviceable or better. Perhaps saying this would be more accurate...

Page 37 is the first where I really felt the script stepped on its own feet.
It's a bit of spit in the eye after a fairly smooth ride.
Though I di wonder about the intubating...
I was under the impression being fully cognizant for that would've made him choke.
But I'm no nurse.

Regards,
E.D.

I have a few minutes before work intrudes...
Page 46 is where I left off with all the new Club Fed blokes.

P. 47
I dig Roger's voice mail to Jocelyn.
Right up until the grim declaration about getting justice.
I thought his vulnerable words conveyed all that nicely without the hammering.

P. 50
The crystal meth deal was kooky.
Part of me is wondering if the author's going all Total Recall here at times...
I have my doubts that Roger ever "escaped".

Stopping at 56 this morning.
I feel like the chase is on, but there's a micromanaging kind of feel I get at times...
Some of these supporting details are getting mucho air time.
Was it really needed to see Beau and Ambrose have their little dance?
Seems enough to me the old guard Ambrose would hate the smartphone smart ass.
Why all the posturing and sniper business? I'd prefer a kickstart into their conflict.
And use the time to gives us a peak into the big plot to keep us enticed.

Good move setting a chunk in the B.C.
Producers will like that money saver.

Feels like it's been a while since we the reader learned much new plot stuff.

E.D.

I actually agree with most of your points, Brett, and thought these things myself. And I think the B.C. scene makes almost no sense. If I was producing this script, I'd try to come up with something different.

I also think the story drags around the midpoint. And I think there's an easy fix, which I'll bring up after you finish the read.

I was commenting on how harsh we can seem on even scripts that are generally quite good, and even have led to success for the writer.