Hey Craig

I see Mary has moved up from the glass table to cling film.

A gherkin! lol, sometimes Craig I wonder how you come with things like this?

I did think Mary was a bit too harsh on her mother at times...but it was funny.

You seem to hit the mark every time with the subtle images of the seedy side of things, like Mary cleaning the coffee table lol.

I've breezed through another episode and I got to say I was impressed again.  You've got a funny sit-com here Craig.  I think I read a post that you see Dawn French playing the part of Mary?  As soon as I read that I thought, definately see her as Mary.

Another great episode.

Craig,

Great script and good progression. I've written to you about all the typos, over and underuse of commas. The indisciminate use of the word 'and' in the same way I litter my own scripts with obsenities.

But all that's bullcocks as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.

As for the gherkin.... I wonder where it comes from myself. I have one in the kitchen. Looks a lot different now. Hmmm. Wherever, keep doing it.

And, having seen how it continues, I do say to all fans of comedy to read this series from the very start.

Thoroughly recommended. And it's rare I say that about anything. Well, apart from alcohol and that 'special interest' club around the back of the bookies. Oh yes, they do you know. All of it. Yes

Well done lad. Now fix them focking typos and commas. And stop it!

RV

Hi Alffy,

Good to see you're keeping up with Mary's exploits... And yes, she's progressed onto the clingfilm now. Whatever will she get up to next, the filthy mare!

Ha ha, the old gherkin joke. Is it a touch too far maybe? Dunno, but people seem to find it funny so it can't be all that bad.

Mary is a little harsh on Edith at times, but Edith's more than capable of a bit of venom when needed.

Cheers for saying I'm hitting the mark with the seedy stuff, it's hardly subtle though in some parts.

Once again, thanks for your thoughts. I hope you get as much out of the final two parts, which are on their way!

Cheers buddy

Craig.

Re- I'll get back to you in the morning, sir!

Afternoon Re,


'...as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.' - (blushes) Thanks Re, another cheque will be winging its way shortly.

I'm as pleased as punch (whoever he is) for your recommendation to lovers of comedy to give the series a whirl.

I thought that 'club' had been shut down now?!


Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone '...as the story itself and the gags are very very good indeed.' - (blushes) Thanks Re, another cheque will be winging its way shortly. I'm as pleased as punch (whoever he is) for your recommendation to lovers of comedy to give the series a whirl. I thought that 'club' had been shut down now?!

It had better not bounce like the last one did you shark. Typ-i-cal.

Blushing? Red cheeks? Wouldn't be the first time. Especially if you went near that club. I couldn't walk for a week...

And you're welcome.

'Tis good. Tis very good. I think it could do with some polishing and perhaps the re-ermgence of some of these people who receive Mary's 'advice'. I imagine she would see them occasionally, shopping or in traffic or the like. Thing is she wouldn't remember them at all. But they'd certainly remember her. Her face and words would be burned into their brains. Try it. Might work. And bunch up those paragraphs, you'll have plenty of room. See, I can't just be nice can I?

As for the club... Nah, after the Cucumber and the Bishop incident they moved next door. You just gotta know the password. It's either "Gherkin" or "Red Hot Karl", depending on the night. Don't forget the lube!

RV

Mr Re,


That's a damn fine idea regarding Mary encountering her previous 'victims' in everyday situations. Nice one. I'll have a think about that one- it could make for some good, uncomforable scenarios.

'As for the club... Nah, after the Cucumber and the Bishop incident they moved next door. You just gotta know the password. It's either "Gherkin" or "Red Hot Karl", depending on the night. Don't forget the lube!'  ....How rude!


Craig

Hey funny and unique stuff, like it.
Looks like someone already mentioned the missing commas before addressing someone.  'hurry up, love'  etc.
Whats a GCSE?
The 'she yells' and such in quotations are a little odd.  I'm certainly not an expert on formatting, but I havent seen that before and I'd think theres a simpler way to show that.
Mary obliviously tearing apart relationships at her job is consistently funny.  Think the whole building up part might have gone a tad long.  There were some funny moments in the grocery store, but it was still a bit slow.
Anyways impressive series so far, look forward to the last two.

I’ve read all four of these much quicker than I thought it would take me, and I must say, I did enjoy all four. The humour was spot on. Very British, most of which might be alien to American readers but they are not your intended audience. You made me laugh quite a bit. You made me laugh a lot, actually. Some of it was so over the top, like Joey and the gherkin in episode four, while there were some nice small touches of comedy, like the car bumper sticker in episode one. There’s a good mix of comedy here for everyone, if Mary’s public readings don’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will.

I see you have been taking some sh!t for the ending to episode one, but I don’t know whether to agree with them or not. At first, I thought it was a great way to end it with such a shock. Then, the more I think about it, if you are aiming for a sitcom here and I don’t think it would work if that is what you’re aiming for. I would hate to be in your position with this, as I’m still 50/50.

I do think there are some things you could improve on. First off, the characters. Mary was the obvious standout but the rest weren’t as much. For the first few episodes, I was wondering what exactly Sam and Iona were there for. They weren’t mediums, but they just sat next to Mary night after night and addressed the crowd the odd time. It wasn’t until episode four, I think, when I found out they worked in the Funeral Parlour. I can’t remember this being mentioned at any other time, which means we go through the first three and a bit episodes wondering what the hell are they doing next to Mary and what their relationship is. Very little time is spent on them until the family angle comes into play later. In my opinion, each character in a sitcom should be able to make people laugh. I got the feeling Iona was only there to throw lesbian jokes at. I think you’re relying on Mary too much, which might be a problem in future episodes if her readings start becoming tiresome (I can’t see it happening either!). My main point here is that if you take Mary out, there’s not much there to laugh at. Introducing Joey helped lately but we don’t see enough of him.

Back on the family part, I think it could be much better if you disguised the fact Mary is Iona’s mum until Edith opens the door to her. That would make a great episode ending. Edith is also a bit mild, I thought she would be more than a match for Mary, be an older, nastier version but I was wrong. She allowed Mary to abuse her that whole shopping trip without being really nasty back. Other characters fail to play a major role, like Andrea and Danielle. I think it was RE who mentioned that she could run into some of them in everyday situations, like when out shopping. I think that’s a great idea and something you should definitely look into to keep future episodes fresh.

The use of commas has been addressed already so I won’t say any more about that. Your action paragraphs could be joined together in places. Some action paragraphs are only one line long which means you’re wasting a lot of white space which could be used for more comedy in each episode. I agree with the poster above that the “She yells” was confusing as I’ve never seen that before either. You can take the quotation marks out.

I think that covers everything I wanted to say. I did really enjoy this and there were a lot more hits than misses with the jokes. I do think you should look over your other characters. If you are planning to send this to the BBC Writers Room as a sitcom, they will want to see a group of funny characters who each bring a different kind of comedy to the script, like ‘Friends’, Joey is the stupid character, Chandler is the sarcastic character. I’m not for one minute comparing this to ‘Friends’ because this is much darker but you’ll get my point. I’m not getting any kind of comedy with Sam or Iona at the moment. Everyone has their favorite character in a sitcom and if someone reads this and doesn’t like Mary or think she is believable (even though we all do), there’s nothing else here to make them read on. I do think you need to look at this and it would fix an otherwise very funny series.  

Good luck with the future episodes, I will be sure to read them.

Brian

Hi Jackx,

A GCSE is a secondary-school qualification!

I have to agree with you that the bits in quotations are strange. They weren't like that in the first draft, but I was advised by a SS member that it needed them. I'm gonna remove them when I get round to an edit.

Glad you enjoyed it on most parts though, and it's good to hear that you're looking forward to the final two installments.

Thanks for the read, I'll return the favour soon.

Craig

Quoted from Brian M I’ve read all four of these much quicker than I thought it would take me, and I must say, I did enjoy all four. The humour was spot on. Very British, most of which might be alien to American readers but they are not your intended audience. You made me laugh quite a bit. You made me laugh a lot, actually. Some of it was so over the top, like Joey and the gherkin in episode four, while there were some nice small touches of comedy, like the car bumper sticker in episode one. There’s a good mix of comedy here for everyone, if Mary’s public readings don’t make you laugh, I don’t know what will.

Cheers Brian. To make someone laugh a little is good, but to make them laugh a lot is great! I agree that a fair bit of the humour will be lost on American readers- the humour is very British. Glad you enjoyed Mary's public humiliations. Even if you've never been to a spiritualist event you can imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have your private life exposed in front of a paying audience...

Quoted from Brian M I see you have been taking some sh!t for the ending to episode one, but I don’t know whether to agree with them or not. At first, I thought it was a great way to end it with such a shock. Then, the more I think about it, if you are aiming for a sitcom here and I don’t think it would work if that is what you’re aiming for. I would hate to be in your position with this, as I’m still 50/50.

I see your point about the ending of episode one. It seems to be rather a 'Marmite' moment. I've just had a look through the feedback, 4 people liked the ending, 3 didn't and 3 were indifferent.

Quoted from Brian M I do think there are some things you could improve on. First off, the characters. Mary was the obvious standout but the rest weren’t as much. For the first few episodes, I was wondering what exactly Sam and Iona were there for. They weren’t mediums, but they just sat next to Mary night after night and addressed the crowd the odd time.

Granted the first few episodes tend to focus on Mary and her messages. As the series progresses the other characters are built up. Sam and Iona are simply the event organisers- you're right, they're not psychic. Sam is pretty much the 'straight' and level headed character, whilst Iona adds conflict and is pretty much a verbal punchbag for Mary. I have to say I really like the character of Edith too...

Quoted from Brian M I think it could be much better if you disguised the fact Mary is Iona’s mum until Edith opens the door to her. That would make a great episode ending.

That was how that episode ended originally- on the line 'I think she was one of those vagi-terians'. I didn't quite have the right impact (IMO) because it wasn't a shock to the reader that Mary was her mother, as it had been heavily hinted at in the preceeding episodes.


Thanks for the read, and thanks for the in-depth feedback- it is greatly appreciated. All comments are taken on board, and I'm glad you enjoyed the series on the whole.

All the best

Craig

Yea...guess I didnt make it that far in school...  Or just in the wrong country.
Whoever told you to do the quotes may be right, I'm somewhat less than an expert on formatting.  But they do look a little odd and I don't think I've seen them before.
And the ending to episode one was a bit of shock reading it the first time, but it kinda makes more sense seeing where you've gone with the series.

Hi Jackx,

They were called GCSEs when I was a lad, don't think they are called that anymore though.

I'm still unsure about the quotes in ep4, I think I'm gonna change it to the other suggestion which was to simply put a '-' after it.

That's officially more people on the side of the grim ending- yay!

Thanks again chap

Craig

PS Do you wanna point me in the direction of any of your stuff to have a look at?

G.C.E.s these days Craig. I see we obviously move in very different circles. Word is you just turn up and you get an 'A' these days, although that may be an exaggeration.

I'll have a look at them quotes then PM you later.

Okay Buddy, Cheers.

They do look rather strange!

Nice one,

Craig

Craig...

I took a look at this.  I read episodes 1,2,3, but haven't made it to the others yet.  Your thread is pretty hot, not too much more that I can add that hasn't been covered already.

But I'll say this, your character Mary was written very well, and so was the rest but I like her the best.  I didn't expect to laugh too much when I started reading the series but I did.

I'm gonna finish the other episodes but this was done quite well.  You thinking about expanding this one day?  You know, to something more?

Ghostwriter22