Thanks Alan and Greg.

SPOILERS




Cody was dead alll along. Note how the polcie offficer refers to him in past tense.

Um . . . I tried to read your script but it seemed uncomplete. It is stated that the script is 9 pages long but the script I got had only 7 pages of writing.

What I did read was correctly formated so it was easy to read. The only problem I had was with the plot. It just seemed fragmented and messy and I was confused. Are there gaps missing in the script? Is this script getting a rewrite?

The first thing that threw me off was how Henry discover his wife dead for the first time and than have a three hour later flashback where the police are talking about dead wife. This baffled me as by the time Henry discover murder, call police and police respond it would not be more than three hours.  Sure there is really nothing wrong as you have Cody arrive home and police car there and then flash back but I only realized this on a second read. And first impression is most important

Maybe just drop the flashback and rearange the scenes might fix this up.

The other thing that confused me was Hnery in bath room and see vision of wife and then cody walk in and he has knife wound. Is he a vision? is he dead?

I guess as i see it, it is how you jump all over the place and use flashback that is the downfall of this story and makes it a difficult story. For me it doesn't work.

I suggest  push this aside and write something with a conventional plot (beginging, middle, end.) You ability to write a script is fine but your plotting of a story is your weakness

Quoted Text The first thing that threw me off was how Henry discover his wife dead for the first time and than have a three hour later flashback where the police are talking about dead wife. This baffled me as by the time Henry discover murder, call police and police respond it would not be more than three hours.  Sure there is really nothing wrong as you have Cody arrive home and police car there and then flash back but I only realized this on a second read. And first impression is most important

I'm not a forensics expert, but I guess they would have had to examine the body, clean it up, write stuff down, tell officers etc, then talk to Henry. Maybe three horus is a bit much.


SPOILERS







Cody was dead all along. Note how the police refers to him in past tense.

I'm gettnig to Perplexity Groove.

All right, Whoop.  I tried not to read too many of the comments.  I gather this is a third draft?  I do sense improvement here, and it's worlds away from that "Hitler" thing I read a while back.  At least, I seem to recall that was you.

This does achieve an air of menace, and we sense there is something more going on than the story tells us outright.  You are certainly on the right track.

SPOILERS:

*  Does Henry have to have brown hair?  If not, then you limit casting.  Keep things vague except for details that contribute.  The shave and the suit, for example, tell us something about the kind of man he is.  But his hair color tells us nothing.
*  "The Camera Turns."  You know not to do this by now, right?  And as long as we are talking about technical stuff, you should be using page numbers.
*  Cody calls him Henry?  This isn't Dad?  (Note later: I decided that calling him Henry is fine.  It adds another layer of appropriate weirdness.)
*  The first flashback is three hours earlier.  But the next one is four hours.  What gives?
*  He refers to his beach wedding with his recently deceased fiancee as "all that crap?"  I would change that line.
*  On page 5 (I think -- no page numbers) Juan says "he" when he means "him."
*  The final scene with Lynn is random, but good.  I like the open door.  That works.

And now I'm done, and the first thing I want to do is go back and read your spoilers, because this story doesn't make much sense.  

And now I've read the spoiler.  And I only kind of get it.  Cody is haunting him?  

I think the problem here is that there is nothing in this script that leads us to believe that Henry is the killer.  The crime is motiveless.  If anything, the odd mention of "Kyle McGee", and how he hates Cody, would make us think that Kyle is the killer.

In a nutshell, here is probably the single biggest problem you need to fix in this script, Whoop:

"...she has a wound where he stabbed her."

And the second biggest problem:

"Cody has a wound where Henry stabbed him also."

Remember that "Show, don't tell" rule everybody tosses around here?

You are telling us -- the reader -- that Henry is a maniacal killer.  But these two sentences -- the KEY points of the story -- would be lost on the viewer because you are not showing them.

A viewer would completely not get this story.

Perhaps you need another flashback showing what happened.  Or perhaps you need Cody's ghost to tell someone what is going on.  But somehow you have to make it clear how (and when) Henry committed these deeds if you want the story to carry it's full impact. You are getting closer -- for sure -- but you aren't quite there yet with this one.

- HALLWAY is a vague term. This could be any old place. I can't picture it in my head. I think you could use a more detailed description of this hallway.

- You don't need to put 30's in parentheses.

- Stick to day and night with the sluglines. Twilight, sunrise, or sunset are acceptable in small doses but not afternoon. Just use day.

- I think you mean Juan rests his hand on Henry's shoulder. An arm isn't the same kind of gesture.

- You don't need this lounge room scene. It's pointless and unintentionally comical. Lose it. Also, you can just say lounge.

- I think this conversation four hours earlier would make more sense if it took place after Juan reveals Jena killed herself. It doesn't make sense for him to wait an hour to break the news.

- A "can of softdrink." This sounds awkward. How about just a can or softdrink?

This was a decent read but not a good one. My main problem is your use of flashbacks. They don't really do much to enhance the story, they only complicate it. I got confused switching back and forth between the past and present as you forget to label them a few times. I think your story would be stronger told in a linear fashion. It's not a bad story. It's simple and a tad cliche but not a bad one really. You did have a few slightly creepy moments towards the end. Just change the flashbacks and I think you'll be in good shape.

Thanks James and Bert, some very helpful reviews there.

Quoted from bert And I only kind of get it.  Cody is haunting him?

Not exactly haunting. Just acting out daily life if he was alive. Henry had killed Cody before he killed Jena (presumably they didn't suspect him when he killed Cody either).

You've all inspired me to a rewrite (ha-ha),

Thanks.

Bigwhoop,

as everybody I advice you to re-write Zest (what's the meaning of the title?) because I didn't get it. I didn't realize than Cody was dead, as Henry.  I'm sure you can more precise everything and finally draw a good script. Submit it again and I'll read it again.

Michel

I haven't read any of the other reviews, and after 2 pages of comments I'm sure I'll repeat a few things that have already been said.

***SPOILER*** I GUESS....

First, let me just say that:

Quoted Text JENA (30’s), beautiful, auburn hair, young looking, and extremely DEAD.

is funny as heck! Which might not be a good thing. You may want to change that.

Your discriptions were short and sweet. Not many typos that I can remember. The story was pretty good but the dialogue needs a lot of work.

I didn't really get everything though. It may just be because I'm slow, but I didn't understand any of the ending scenes when everyone is dying off. I think my blonde hair is kicking in. lol.

Anyway, nice read. **1/2 our of ****. It needs work in the dialoge area.

-Chris

Thanks Rapture! Try dyeing your hair.

I'm writing a rewrite!

Ben,

This was pretty good!

Your format is good except for your dialogue lines are a little too long, they go all the way out to the right hand margin. I think the dialogue margins should be set at 2,5” – 5,5”. I think I’ve read too that you should ideally have no more than six or seven words in each line.

SPOILERS:

There’s no need to write camera directions, you can just simply state that Jena is dead on the floor.

Henry says “Cody’s from Jena’s old husband” that sounds kind of odd to me. Maybe he can just say that “Cody’s from Jena’s previous marriage.

“Had she received any calls from he before?” – him before

“It’s dark and gloomy and the kitchen” – in the kitchen

It got a little confusing towards the end, but over all I think you did a nice job.

Thanks, Pia, alot of people have been saying that it's confusing, I'll fix that.

Hey Bigwhoop

Thought I'd give this a read.  I quite liked this but it does need a tidy up.  Some of the dialogue seems strange, like Pia says above.  The concept is good but it needs tightening and the flashbacks don't work well for me, they're a little confusing.

Overall though this has potential to be improved even though I know you've rewrote this a few times already.

Thanks Alffy! I reviwed The Big Stiff