Thank you mgj for your review. I appreciate these extensive reviews so much.; its really a good payoff for the writer.

SPOILERS!

I'm in the process of writing the third draft but taking some time off so I could refresh before I dig into this. I changed the story to three robbers robbing a place rather than looking for something. That has been troublingsome people so the majority vote wins.

"As I see it the burglars are the real protagonists in this story, not James.  Maybe you have a different take?   Anyways, perhaps you could expand on their dialog a bit more or do something to give them distinct personalities.  As it is we know very little about them, nor do we know anything about their actual intentions in the house other than the obvious - that they are trying to find something of importance to them."

You've got it correctly. The three different persoanlities thing is something to think about during my third draft; food for thought. Thanks for bringing that up.  

"From what you've given us Paul seems to be the perverted one in the group and Mike the leader.  That's definitely a start.  Obviously they're crooks and likely really bad dudes so revealing this to us through their actions and words would make their comeupance at the end that much more satisfying.  Maybe one is a reluctant participant in all this and acts as the conscience of the group?  Just a thought."

I totally understand what you mean. All will be taken into the third draft, I promise you that. I'm unsure about Mike though. I'm changing there names as well to something more fitting. But thanks for the suggestion.

"The black and white/color thing was interesting.  At first I thought it might have something to do with a past/present scenario you created with the burglary taking place a long time ago in a flashback sequence.  I assume now your intention was to contrast the two different worlds - the gloomy, claustrophobic inside world with the brightness of the outside world.  If so a cinematographer could have fun working with this."

Yes! that was the whole point of doing it. I got inspried by Memento. Thank You Memento.

"I'm a little unclear about the newspaper clipping.  Is that supposed tie in with the burglars then?  Did they beat up James?  You might want to clarify this."

I deleted them out in the third draft.

Thanks for your review and on early notice. I would return the favor. Thanks again.

This was good in some ways, you had a good set up and it kept me interested, I loved how these guys wore movie villian masks, the sceam and the freddy krugar, that was really neat, and you also had a great pay off, I really liked that a lot, but in the end it didn't seem to make any sense, or, I just didn't get what was going on.


*************SPOILERS*****************

What were these guys looking for, or, why were they there, they were obviously looking for something, but what?

And what about the photo's?  They didn't lead anywhere at all.

those two things confused me.  

But I have to say, I did love then ending, how the chopped these burglars up and all, but then, how did he do it?

I think there is a lot missing, ir you filled these gaps I think you would really have something here.

In the end this had some great moment, but it got confusing and it didn't lead anywhere, but it was enjoyable.

Keep it up

Thanks theboywhocouldfly, for comments.

SPOILERS!

"What were these guys looking for, or, why were they there, they were obviously looking for something, but what?"

That troubled me as well. I didn't ant to reveal it since I didn't know myself. But one thing I learned from this experience is how to keep things simple. In the third draft, things are much simplier.

"And what about the photo's?  They didn't lead anywhere at all."
The same applies to these as well. I deleted them so you guys don't have to worry about it.

"But I have to say, I did love then ending, how the chopped these burglars up and all, but then, how did he do it?"
If you reead my past reply, I explain why I wrote that scene as is. I assume you are asking how he chopped them up. He used a butcher's knife from the kitchen and the garbage bags to put the cut up parts in. lol

I'm going to start working on my thrid draft now and I'm going to enter another script of mines, the one I have been working on as a time refresher from this one. Thanks again for the review and glad you enjoyed it.

Gabriel

Hi Gabriel,
I must say that I like your style. You give a good atmosphere and perfect detailed action. However, there are things I've learnt since I write. Avoid to say "we" in the descriptions (i.e. "we hear footsteps, distantly" better say "Distantly, footsteps can be heard"). I'm not quite sure you have to name characters wearing mask by their names. The same for people seen on pictures who are not acting characters (unless they act later). Last thing, I was like you big fan on transitions as "CUT TO:". You don't need them in spec scripts.

***************SPOILERS*****************

I was a bit confused by the end. What I understood is James has captured the 3 robbers and he's going to make them pay for what they've done. Am I right? I'm also confused by the B/W and color sequences. What's the use of it?

I hope my humble advices will help you and wait for reading more stuff from you.

Michel

Any advice from fellow screen writers are taken into much consideration, Michel. This is my second draft so no worries. I'm working on my third draft as we speak so I mostly corrected these errors, but if I get more feedback the better. I appreciate that you liked my style of writing and that I created a mood.

You got the ending down pact. The tranisition between the B/W and color sequence was a method use in Memento for past/present scenes. I wanted to see if it can be used for something else which in this case a person's mind: James' mind to be specific. I appreciate that you enjoyed the read. If you care to, read my other work that is posted up now, it's under my signature box. Thanks again.

Gabriel  

Thanks for reading the script, JD_OK.

For the secondary headings, I've learned you could have a bit of freedom with them as long you follow certain rules such as not ending a scene with the secondary headings. I have the Screenwriters bible. It's a good read and teaches many important items.

Im working on the third draft now more focused on what I want to convey. All the questions will be answered. I'm close to finishing it and will be posting it up here. Thanks again for the review.

Hey, guys. I updated the script. Hope you guys enjoy it. There were some advises I followed whle others i didn't. Please review it thanks.

Gabriel

ill look over it 2nite

the summary is: "three individuals ransack their last house". Ignore the one posted.  Sorry for the confusion.

Gabriel

Hey I liked this version alot better. I like that you added him talking to himself with the voice overs.  and that line line. I really liked that.

           JAMES (into the phone)
          I cancelled last notice. Hold on
          for a second, honey.
should be
                  James
            (into the phone)
          I cancelled last notice. Hold on
          for a second, honey.
              AMANDA (OVER PHONE)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

should be
                    AMANDA (V.O.)
             (over phone)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

He sees the police officer, dressed in his lively blue uniform, enter the white car, sporting vibrant blue NYPD letters, numbers, and lines, and drive off"

That is a pretty long sentence, you could break it up. There afew others like that also.

All and all, diffenately better.

SPOILERS!

Thanks for the read JD_OK. I'm glad that you liked it.

I would also like to thank the people who contributed ideas to help this story become better: Helio(who gave me the idea of the answer machine), Bert( who gave me wise advise on description and story plot), Mgj(who suggested the added dialgoue), and of course JD_OK( who got me more focused on the setting and feel of the story). And the rest twho reviewed it.    

I'm slightly confused on why you posted most of the answer machine dialgoue on?

Gabriel

i was poiting out these things

-->            AMANDA (V.O.)
-->          (over phone)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

Not the dialog, sorry for confusion

Just got through it.  This version is a little more straight forward and less confusing.  Definitely an improvement, both the additons and subtractions, but I wouldn't stop there.


A few suggestions:

Instead of giving the burglars names, just refer to them by their mask personas. ie: Freddy Krueger, Scream, etc.  It's more economical this way and less confusing for the reader.  

Explain what it is exactly the burglars are searching for or at least reference it somehow through action or dialog.  Is it just money they're after or is it something more elaborate?  This may be a small detail but it's significant since it informs us right away who we're dealing with.  Maybe they're just a couple of two-bit crooks out for some quick cash but then again maybe they're the mob or maybe even government agents.  We should know.

Have the cops snoop around a bit longer.  They seemed to leave the scene a little too easily.  Maybe they notice the mask and gloves James was using in the basement.  Assuming it was for his renovation work they would then leave the house, satisfied everthing is okay.  This would make a good segue into the basement scene.  Or something to that effect anyway.  Maybe that's too cliche or obvious but I sensed a little foreshadowing going on anyway so don't be afraid to play this up. (BTW the voice mail message from Amanda was effective).

Again, these are just suggestions but they stood out for me.  

SPOILERS!

Thanks Mgj. I'm going to be adding a few more lines for the police dialgoue at the end that adds b.g. to the three individuals.

"Instead of giving the burglars names, just refer to them by their mask personas. ie: Freddy Krueger, Scream, etc.  It's more economical this way and less confusing for the reader."

That reminds me to thank Mike Shelton who offered me this idea. The burglars are the true main characters in my opinion so they need names as a characteristic trait. This also helps to get actors since it pats their resume with main roles rather than minor roles. I hope this makes sense if not then ask and I'll explain it again.

"Explain what it is exactly the burglars are searching for or at least reference it somehow through action or dialog.  Is it just money they're after or is it something more elaborate?  This may be a small detail but it's significant since it informs us right away who we're dealing with.  Maybe they're just a couple of two-bit crooks out for some quick cash but then again maybe they're the mob or maybe even government agents.  We should know."

Their robbers simply looking to loot the households' goods. I sent in a new logline in which it states: three robbers ransack their last louse. But they didn't remove the old one.

"Have the cops snoop around a bit longer.  They seemed to leave the scene a little too easily.  Maybe they notice the mask and gloves James was using in the basement.  Assuming it was for his renovation work they would then leave the house, satisfied everthing is okay.  This would make a good segue into the basement scene.  Or something to that effect anyway.  Maybe that's too cliche or obvious but I sensed a little foreshadowing going on anyway so don't be afraid to play this up. (BTW the voice mail message from Amanda was effective)."

The cop scene I agree with you and would see if I can edit it.

Can you please explain your interpretation of the Amanda voice mail message so I could understand how effective it was? I like to enquiry.

Thanks again mgj.

Gabriel

I think basically because it plays with the suggestion that James is just a regular family man.  Seemingly normal from the outside.  Manipulation is good in a story like this.  It also acts as a plot device since the officers basically concluded at that point after hearing the message that nothing untoward had taken place.