Cupidity by Mike Shelton - Short - Barry's got a plan and a line, but is that enough to get him a date? 6 pages - pdf, format

Hmm...

I wish you would've chosen an ending, instead of giving us both. I like them both equally.

Hey Mike, cool script. Very clever little title as well, made me want to read it.

Your formatting and spelling was top notch, I didn't notice a single error. I'm not the most attentive reader, so I wouldn't take my word that there are no mistakes, but it all looks pretty good so well done.

The story was also well-written, it went very fast and your dialogue felt very real and natural. No stiff, awkward, on-the-nose movie dialogue, it flowed really well.

I liked being able to chose between the two different endings. While it's not general practice to have both endings in the same script, it was cool to be able to read both of them. Personally, I liked the alternate ending better. I think it's funnier and it's also a lot less cruel to Renee.

Overall, a pretty good short. Clever, fast-paced and well-written. I liked this one a lot. Well done.


Matt.

Who has an alternate ending for a five-pager haha.

This is cute and easy to do, which is what I am sure you had in mind.

I would go with alternate #1 -- with a small change in the scenario.

Since he is the vending machine guy, he should have her favorite snack, like a bag of Skittles or something.

Then, later, he can snatch it back, which might add a little to the comic effect you are going for at the end.

hey, i actually prefer the first ending.  it draws a more effective response.  the second ending is decent, but i think we want more for something 5 minutes long (although it would likely be shorter considering it's mainly dialogue).  with the first ending, i liked it because i wasn't expecting it, and also, i didn't think it was cruel, since she kind of did reject him, and then he was just telling the truth.  considering it was their first encounter, he wouldn't be able to gauge if she was interesting, so he shouldn't have to lie to her

bert makes a great suggestion.  i love the idea of him taking back her favorite snack

No FADE IN or FADE OUT?

I like how Barry just keeps rambling the same stuff over and over.

What's wrong with Barry? Is he blind or something? Can't tell one face from another? I don't think the mix-up works for me...

The alternate ending is better IMHO. Gives an explanation to the "mix-up".

Sorry if I sound grumpy. I'm not.   I just read a LOT of 5 pagers every day.

Pia

Hey all,

Thanks for the feedback so far.  I thought putting the alternate ending in there would be something different for a change, and I'm glad to see that they both appear to work, even though the preference seems to shift back and forth.  I guess that's a good thing though, since I wanted the script to be seamless no matter which one was chosen.

Bert,

Great suggestion with the snack thing.  I think I'd have to shift things around a little bit to make it work, but I like it.

Pia,

I NEVER use FADE IN or OUT.  To me, they're like MORES and CONT'Ds.  Unnecessary clutter.

It's just a case of mistaken identity.  He's just a vending machine guy who sees a girl in passing day to day, and when he finally gets up the nerve to talk to her, he meets a girl that looks just like her instead.

I don't think you sound grumpy at all.

Maybe I'm weird, but I NEVER mix up faces.

I do use FADE IN and FADE OUT though.

Pia  

Don't listen to Breanne, people mix up people's faces all the time.  Oops, I mean don't listen to pia.  Sorry, I have a bad habit of mixing up avatars.

Well, Zombie Sean,  

This was good.  I got a chuckle out of the end.  I think I like the first ending better, though.  But probably not for the reason that you think.  I don't know if you meant it this way, but I saw it as when Barry saw he was getting rejected, he knew that she worked on 8, but purposely said 17 both as a way to back out of the awkward situation and kind of shove it into Renee's face at the same time.  The wench probably doesn't even have a boyfriend, does she?

Maybe if you turn this into a feature we could find out a little-...   (just kidding.)

Pretty good, Mike.

- Mark

What no FADE IN or FADE OUT!?

Just kidding.

I liked it.  There were characters and a story and even two, count em two, endings.  As everything stands I like the second one best.

Lots of stuff popped into my head while I was reading this. Some of it I won't repeat in mixed company *ahem* but the stuff related to the script was:

I think it would be interesting if she gets his name wrong.  Calls him Harry or Larry and he corrects her.  She's too perfect as she is.

I thought the mix up ending would work better if she accepts his invitation and then they realise it's a mix up - especially if she mixed him up with the vending machine guy on her floor as well.  Love blooms, match made in heaven.

Well done though. A precursor to a Movie Poet entry perhaps?

Hey Mike,

Ha!  Short and sweet.  I liked it very much.  This definitely had the Shelton charm written all over it.  In the first ending, would he really mistake Renee for someone else, though?  I mean, all us dudes have been in Barry's position before and mistaking her for someone else I think just seems obscure to me.  Unless this actually happened to you, in which case I should just shut up.

Like everyone else said, both endings were great.  I think the second ending would allow this to work better as an SNL-mellow-type-skit-deal, but both put a smile on my face.

Very well done, good sir.

I love that title!  This was the first one I decided to read simply for the title alone(only after did I realize that you wrote it).  

Onto the story:

I thought it was really good -- one of the better "5 pagers" on here.  I think what really made it stand out was the Barry character.  His character was spot on in terms of his dialogue and just the way he acts when confronting her.

Ah the ending(s).  I think I'm more of a fan of the first one (it's the one that got an audible laugh out of me, whereas the other just made me chuckle inside).  I think you should take Bert and Mcornetto's ideas and add them for a bigger bang at the end.  Like he's already offered her the snack and she accepts the date and he says something like "Well, I guess I'll see you on the 17th floor tomorrow." and then she tells him and he snatches the candy back and just change the word "Interesting" with "Date" on those last 2 pieces of dialogue.

On the technical side, I don't think I noticed any problems.

I think this would definitely be a good, cheap short film with an effective punch at the end.  As it is, I give it a 4.9/5 because I still think you could easily throw 1 or 2 extra things in there to make it a bit funnier and better.  Still, it's a really good script.  

Hope this helps!

I'd have liked some more dialogue between "I work on the eighth floor" and "Hold On" - as Barry's switch in tone feels too abrupt to me. But aside from that, I can't find any fault with the script.

Hey all,

Thanks for another batch of reads.  Still looks like the preference is mixed in regards to the ending, but the first one seems to draw more logic problems.  I don't think mixups like the one I've laid out are common, but they are possible.  Especially when you factor a nervous, stammering man into the equation.

Mark,

That's an interesting interpretation of the first ending.  I hadn't really thought of it that way when I wrote it, but I can see how it could be taken that way.

Mike,

I don't think I'll be entering MP any time soon.  I'm positive I wouldn't have the time to devote to reading as many scripts as I would like to.

Greg,

I do think it's completely possible.  He sees her in a spot unlike where he normally sees her and it helps add to the confusion.  It's definitely a far fetched scenario, but that's the beauty of writing.  You can get away with certain things like that.

Hoody,

Funny thing about the title is that it's a real word.  I came across it and thought it was perfect.  I agree that it would make a nice, cheap short film, so we'll see if it gets any interest.  If not, I may revisit Barry with another idea I have regarding a bad date.

James C,

Congratulations on being the first person, ever, to say I should have had more dialogue.

Thanks to all for reading.

I decided to read this one based on the title alone. It's brilliant, really. The two endings in one script was different but refreshing. I think I like the first ending better. It's much more clever and there's definitely some ambiguity there as to whether or not Barry is clever for making up a lie to defuse an awkward situation or not clever and actually mistaking Renee for someone else. Shakes things up a bit. The second ending isn't nearly as interesting and people could easily miss the point.

Anyway, a short and sweet read. Not a lot happens, per se, but there's a lot that could've happened. I like that.

Hey Mike

I thought this was really good.  The awkwardness of Barry was very funny but I'm not sure about talking to the wrong girl?  I thought at the end he was gonna whip out a pair of glasses for a better look at Renee after realising he was chatting up the wrong person.

The two endings was different and I liked both, probably prefering the first though.  Although the second shows just how shallow we can be.

Good stuff.

Hey guys,

Thanks for checking it out.  I'm glad people are catching Barry's awkwardness, since I was a little afraid that people would complain about the dialogue being redundant and miss it, so I'm glad I hit that point.

Personally, I like the first ending better myself, but I do think it has to tie in with the mistaken identity angle.  Sure, it could be switched around a little I guess, but in another way I don't think it would be as effective.

James,

I'm glad you liked the title, and that you were able to find "something from nothing".  I have a habit of writing scripts like that sometimes.

LOL! This one was great, Mike. It made me laugh even though it was just a brief conversation. Barry was such a dork, but likeable. I really liked this a lot. xD

As for the ending, I'd go for the second one. It's funnier. The first one was funny too in a jackassy way, but the other one was more light-hearted and just as good. But how is it not possible to mix both endings? Just have him insult Renee like in the first ending. She leaves really pissed and THEN the other woman shows up, giving way to ending #2. Sounds good to me, but it is your call.

Either way, it was a nice script. A quick, entertaining five-pager.  Nice job.

--Julio

    

Hey Mike,

it's been while since I've read anything of yours. I like this script. Oddly enough, I gave this script wo reads: the first with the description and the other with the dialgoue alone. The dialgoue tells the story, something I haven't seen. It shows your hard work in making the story move.

The two endings work for me. The first one is comical in that the vendor guy talked to the wrong female. That was funny. But it makes me think that she would nee to look almost exactly like the other girl he intended to talk to you in order for that ending to work.

The second ending leaves the tale in good hopes. There's more fish out in the sea type of ending. But still comical.

Hope any of this helps,
Gabe  

Very well done, brother. I also vote for the first ending. Well paced (if you can say that for a short) and well written. Your writing is very natural at sounding quirky. I can see this as a scene in a movie introducing the hero of a romantic comedy.

Good job.

James

Hey guys, thanks for the reads.

Julio,

I think the first ending is a little different than the norm, since I've definitely seen the "guy fails and tries the exact same line on someone else" method done before, but I think combining the two could confuse things.  It would go from being a complete and total misunderstanding to the second ending, and would leave people wondering if it was a mistake in the first place.  That's my take on it anyway.

Gabe,

I'm glad you found the dialogue alone could make the story move.  I've pretty much accepted the fact that I am and always will be a talky writer, and as long as I don't cause things to drag, I can deal with it.  In regards to the mix up, had I included the second woman in that ending, she would have looked very similar to Renee.

James,

It's funny you should mention the intro scenario, since I've been thinking of using this in a feature I have in the works, which I'll probably be able to get to sometime before the end of the decade.  It won't be an intro per se, but I think it will give more to the hopelessness of the character.

Thanks again for reading.

Hey Mike,
I missed this one somehow.
I thought this was a very good script, too.

The guy's ackward and shy acting, so I wouldn't like to see him turn into an ass as with the first ending.

My vote is for the second ending.  

And I agree with bert as to him having candy, gum or mints as a gift for her...
AND when he calls out to the other woman, maybe he could pull out a candy bar from his pocket as he is chasing after her...???

I liked it though, Mike.

Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for reading.  I agree that he does turn into an ass in the first ending, but I thought that his 180 was a big source of the humor in it.

I think I will be using the candy bit when I rewrite.  My initial concern was that the pile on would be even worse given that not only would the girl look like the other one, but they'd also like the exact same candy.  Luckily I was able to find a way around that.

Thanks again.

Mike,

Had a few minuts to spare so thought I would check your script out; the title was what captivated me the most. I like the way this plays out, kind of like a joke. It's smart, concise and the dialogue is spot on.

Early this morning I waked up decided to read what was up on the Unproduced Script of the Day in SS, so I went there and for my surprise it was a Mike Sheton�s masterpiece. Cupidity.

I loved it just not for its simplecity and easy Mike's writing, but for the story itself. It wasn't completed without the second end. For me it has to have the two options! Congrats Mike. Long, long time I didn't read anything from you, dude! It was a pleasure indeed!

cheers
Helio

Hey Helio,

Thanks for checking it out, and for pointing out that it's the script of the day.  I hadn't even looked at it yet today.

I haven't had much time to submit anything to SS lately, but I like doing these little one off shorts every once in awhile, and I'm glad the feedback has been relatively positive.

Thanks again.

This was very nice, and I agree with Bert about the candy/snack thing and with McCornetto that "She's to perfect."  I felt she was to perfect when she actually put her arm around his neck,  I don't know about you, but only on the rarest of occassions other than possibly a floozie at a pick up bar would the female who is a "complete stranger" to me, with doubts about who I was go about putting her arm around my neck in such a "perfectly sweet" way.  This reminds me of the commercial with the dialog:  "If suddenly a man you never knew before runs up to you with a bouquette of flowers........"      I suppose you might get away with it if there was a way to show us that she is the flirt or something. Is she dressed like a hoe? Is she chewing bubble gum like a cow chewing cud? Go with the first ending all the way!  For some reason, if this were the late eighties or early 1990's I see Tom Hanks doing this Barry character really well.  Maybe you have the opening to a really good romantic/comedy going here.  Well best wishes with it...................Al

ajnemeth@sbcglobal.net

Hey Al,

Thanks for reading.

I liked the candy aspect of it myself, and have since incorporated it into a new draft, but since that was the only change I decided not to post it here.

As far as the hand on the shoulder thing goes, I agree that it's a little odd, but I wanted to convey a sense that Renee kind of feels sorry for Barry, and that seemed the best way to do it without being totally blatant in the dialogue.

Her style of dress is what someone would wear to work, professional I guess, since that's where she's coming from.

Thanks again for the read....much appreciated.

This was a good script. Very clever title and well-written. Barry was a very good character, jumped right off the page. I prefer the first ending better-- it's more surprising, I think, because I feel for Barry, want him to get the date, and feel bad for him when he doesn't, so I found it more surprising and entertaining to find out he had mixed up the faces.

As always I enjoyed reading your script Mike. You perfectly convey the awkwardness of Barry's situation.

I'm not sure if the alternative ending is part of the story, sort of diffrent view point or if you just wrote two endings for anyone who will dislike the original ending.

I like the first ending. I laughed out loud at the unexpected strangeness of it and it is just pure Oddball Shelton fun.

Hey Impulse and Glenn,

Thanks for reading.  I like the first one better too.  I think it's because it's not as overused as the second one, which I've seen around a few times before.

As far as why there are two endings...I just happened to conceive both of them, thought they fit, and decided to put them in since the overall script isn't that long and I didn't think anyone would mind reading an additional page or so.