Jessica by A. B. Steel (absteel)( - Short, Drama - It's Jerry's wedding day, but can he talk himself into going? 7 pages - pdf, format


Shelton edit:  This has been produced and can be viewed below.

Thanks for posting, Don.

Some of you MoviePoet folks will recognize this as A Date with Jessica. A director out of Toronto found the script and asked if I could make some changes. This reflects those changes. That's why I didn't mention the ages, since he had two actors in mind.

Both characters are in their early 20s.

I know the formatting doesn't adhere to the usual guidelines. I've done that on purpose. I think I've really found my voice with this script.

Thank you, in advance, for reviewing.

Thanks for reading, Pia.

Being impatient, I went ahead and submitted a draft before actually writing a final draft.

The script that's being shot is slightly different than this.

I knew I should've waited.

I enjoyed this script very much. I thought it was a bit predictable, but it was still a good read.

Thanks, Pia! I keep on meaning to upload a new photo, but eh... it can wait. One of the scenes is shortened a tad bit. I can't remember which off the top of my head. I can email you the second draft, if you're interested.

Thanks for reading, Pants. What made you think it was predictable?

Hey Absteel,

Congrats on the turning this into film. I liked the idea especially the ending. And the dialgoue seemed fine. However, this could be shortened as Pia suggests. Also, I didn't see much conflict on Jerry to not go (only a small portion when Jessica asks and that's it). He seemed more enthusiastic to go. I think by cutting down most of the dialgoue, you can add more description to add towards Jerry's refusal to go. In the end, I liked the story. It just needs a bit of tweaking.  

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from ABennettWriter Thanks, Pia! I keep on meaning to upload a new photo, but eh... it can wait. One of the scenes is shortened a tad bit. I can't remember which off the top of my head. I can email you the second draft, if you're interested. Thanks for reading, Pants. What made you think it was predictable?

Well as soon as Jessica was in the bed in her wedding dress, I knew she was a figment of his imagination. You did a very good job describing the room and I think that is where I got the idea of her being dead. His living arrangements just sounded depressing.

Though I know what its like posting first and second drafts, as I did with "The Bench," which I just sent in the third and final draft for reading, should be up next week. I will just say I did rather enjoy reading this. I thought some of the dialgoue wasn't needed but was well written. I would love to see the final film version of this. If you don't mind, is there anyway I could read other drafts of this?

You may have to sign into read scripts, but the first draft is here:
http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=240

Thanks for reading, ShawnMan.

Good news! My script was filmed as part of the DVX TimeFest Competition by Robbie Comeau. The winners aren't announced, but I don't care about that. My script was filmed! Can you freakin' believe it?



You can view the video here: http://www.dvxfest.com/timefest/direct_dl.php?id=1000131

(Don: Be a doll and do that thing you do!)

Thanks Pia!

Hey ABSteel, congrats with the filming of this.  I guess I missed this when it was posted.  Anywho thought I'd give it a read.  I have to confess that I saw the ending coming, then lost it when they talked about the wedding, nice distraction lol.  I thought this was a nice little story but liked mention by Pia, it's a little long but I notice the film is a bit different.  Just wondering whether you changed this or was it a joint decision?  I thought the fil was great by the way and good luck with it.

Thanks so much.

A lot of things happened during our conversations. The biggest being, his actor couldn't drive. He liked the original script (the one posted at MoviePoet. I never posted it here.) a lot and the rewrite, so he merged them together.

I'm thrilled with the results.

Hey Austin,

That came out quite well.  I read the short a while back and this seems to true to the material.  Nice job all around.

For those of you without high speed connections, this is a pretty big file (35mb) due to the quality.

As for asking Don to "do what he does", do you mean embed the film on the board?  If so, it can't be done since it's a straight Quicktime file without a code.  The link could probably be put up on the main page though, where everyone is free to bitch about the number of videos on there.

Oh... Would this site have a code?

http://www.robbiecomeau.blip.tv/#1011051

I think the buttons in the "Format Message" part aren't working.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Oh... Would this site have a code?

Yep.  Format codes have been down for awhile.  It's being worked on.  What's really weird is that when I tried to copy the code over from the link you provided, it wanted to put up the kid's fitness video.  I figured it out though.

Yeah... I realized that after I posted, but I'm glad you figured it out.

Thanks for posting it!

Hey Austin,

Very nice looking film.  The director has a wonderful visual sense.  I don't remember reading this script though the story seemed vaguely familiar.  Because of that I expected the ending.  If there was one thing I would suggest is that the ending could be a bit more surprising. Well done though.

I'll say it here as well... this is something to be proud of. Very cool.

Very cool indeed. Best of wishes on everything to come.

Thanks so much.

You too, BryMo.

ABS,

I haven't watched the video yet, but I felt just a tiny bit...cheated. The logline said he was getting ready for his wedding but couldn't talk himself going but then we find out that he's going to his wife's funeral instead.

Then again, it was depressing but a nice little twist at the end. It was a bit long, and it could have been less.

I don't think I added anything new, though, but here's my opinion, sir.

Sean

The original script is nothing like the final product. The director had some ideas that I incorporated into the script.

Saw this on the front page today, and watched the movie before reading your script.

I found the ending to be predictable when I watched it, mostly due to the overacting.  I really think your script as written was much better.  Though if the acting had been better, the revision might have been ok too.  It's hard to tell.

I saw the video before reading the script and was surprised by how different the two are.  It was almost like two different pieces.

I didn't think it dragged and I was surprised by the twist/twists.  Everything flowed nicely and seemed pretty natural.  Good work.


Phil

Hey Austin; Good deal. You guys did a good a job on this...Nice lookin girl, too.  Dragged a little bit as they were walking along, but I think the pacing played into the tension of the story...

Being completely frank, your script is substantially better than the actual movie turned out.  "What a fucking rollercoaster of emotions!"  I hate to jeer, but that's pretty ridiculous.  I hope you weren't responsible for that line.  Should they have filmed the thing exactly how your script plays out, they'd have a more interesting -- and ultimately watchable -- film.

Anyway, congratulations.  You're produced!  Hope it's the first of many to come.

I watched this movie for the first time in probably a year and I still hated it. Now that I've moved and I've managed to save up a few dollars, I'm thinking of filming this myself. With my script.

Luckily i've got a few friends that can help.

No offense, Robbie.

Austin

I just read the script before viewing the film. I see what Pia means about the build up being a bit lengthy but the twist at the end was excellent, unlike the perceptive Pants I never saw it coming, it really caught me on the blind side.

Your style of formatting is interesting and its good you've "found your voice" with it, but I think it does add some unnecessay length to your script, the multiple upper cased headings in particular. However you painted a very vivid picture of the surroundings and as the reader I new exactly what kind of world these people (or person) inhabited.

But hey, it doesn't matter much now anyway since you got it made, well done. Like most cases when I read short scripts on here I tend to prefer the reading experience rather than the visual one. Regardless of Pia's observation I think your setup on page in the room was more effective, the twist was a lot more obvious in the way the film was structured.

The film was nicely done all the same though, could probably do in dropping the music for the most part and the rollercoaster line really has no place in any script in my opinion.

Good job and congrats on getting this one made.

Col.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I watched this movie for the first time in probably a year and I still hated it.

I think the original script is better than the film. IMO the film was boring.

Hey Austin,

this script is a few years old now and I've seen a great improvement from this to your latest one.

I don't know how valid my thoughts on this are now, but...

It has a nice sentimental feel to it which I like, but then its a bit of a sad ending which made me question why was Jerry not sad. I don't know if she was a ghost, or a haunting memory (I don't need to know which) But that fact is she is dead and this is her funeral that Jerry is going to, he didn't seem at all that upset about it.  I can get if Jerry gets caught up in a fantasy of being with his love again, but when she vanishes or fantasy(which ever) comes back to reality. I would think Jerry would be devastated. The setup didn't fit the payoff (or twist). Therefor making it seem long and lengthy and the character a little unbelievable. I'm mean, did Jessica come back from the grave just to make sure Jerry wasn't going to be late to her funeral?... (If so, It could have been a neat little dark comedy if written differently) but I don't think that's what you were going for.
The dialogue also seemed a little too on the surface, could have had more subtext to it, more setup for the reveal at the end.

That being said, this is just my thoughts on it, for whatever that's worth.

Best,
Kev

Where can I watch the film? It was an interesting read though.

Nevermind. I see it. I had to switch to Chrome because Adobe doesn't work on Internet Explorer anymore.