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Found by James Redd - Short, Drama - A young girl emerges from a cellar into the silent eeriness of a post-apocalyptic world. She journeys to find the door to which she holds the key as something follows her trail. (4 pages) - pdf, format
This was nice. I'm alway interested in post-apocalyptic stories, so this caught my eye. The visuals were great and painted a great picture. I definitely assumed the worst with the end and was surprised with how it came out. I liked it overall, and it was a good piece of writing. This would be a good part of a bigger script, but after reading I kind of asked myself "what was the point?" Not to sound mean or degrading, it was good writing. I think you get what I mean.
Keep up the good work.
-kjb.
Why is a Raven like a writing desk? onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP) the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
Hey, thanks for reading. I don't take any criticism personally, I take it as criticism (I think most of us here at SS are that way). So you're saying there wasn't enough of a story. I have to admit that after writing it and reading it over it sort of felt like a music video or something, which makes sense because the idea came to me while listening to "Born to Be Mild" by Sinner DC.
Very 28 Days Later-ish, I think animation would be the best path to take with this as its not the most filmeable 4 pager out there.
I like how you point out that she doesn't see the decimated bird "too high for her to see", or the human skeleton just inside the shop window, as if to try and maintain her precious innocence amid something so catastrophic.
What age is the girl supposed to be?
I did like this for what it was. Good little story, nicely structured, well put together. It reminded me of Resident Evil 1, for the PS2 where a similar 1st person perspective camera takes over following your trail...unfortunately its not some glorious saviour but a new breed of monster with a penchant for swiping your characters head in one shot.
Anyway, this was quite good, kept me gripped for the few pages. I preferred it a lot more to "So many words" good prose if over explained at times but given that there's no dialogue I guess you add to beef it up somewhat and give the reader an inkling of what the girl feeling, thinking, expressing, etc.
I have to say for a no dialogue script it was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie it had me guessing, I thought the thing chasing the girl was some horrible creature and she was about to be FOUND, but I was happily surprised when it was her father.
Some of the descriptions at the start could be reworded for a smoother read, but it's not really a big deal. It was easy to visualis and IT was a well worth the read.
I like how you point out that she doesn't see the decimated bird "too high for her to see", or the human skeleton just inside the shop window, as if to try and maintain her precious innocence amid something so catastrophic.
What age is the girl supposed to be?
Yes, that was the intention. I didn't put in an age, I guess I wanted it to be interpretable to different minds. The girl in my mind was about 8, though the age doesn't really matter as long as she isn't very tall and can believably be carrying a teddy bear.
Thanks again for the comments, and I don't think many people were too keen on "So Many Words" at all anyway. The process continues...
Quoted from Majorgeneral316
I have to say for a no dialogue script it was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie it had me guessing, I thought the thing chasing the girl was some horrible creature and she was about to be FOUND, but I was happily surprised when it was her father.
Hey, MG, thanks for the read. I'm glad you felt it was well worth five minutes of your time. And I'm glad I got you with the twist.
I enjoyed this little story. You painted an atmospheric and lonely picture of the city. I did wonder how old the girl was though, you did mention she was too small to see the top of the car so I guess she was pretty young.
There was good suspense here and I thought the ending was a nice twist.
Nice story mate.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
James, I read this quite a while ago, but I was new round here then so, I didn't comment. Cue Smiths guitar "Shyness can stop you from stop you..."
However, that was then.
I have to agree with dogglebe about the overly detailed descriptions. That said, the descriptions were good, but a bit less, better worded, but would be a whole lot more. I'd try and avoid the word 'look'. And hey, I wish I could practice what I preach. Ho hum.
You did a hell of a lot in what, four and half pages or so. Sans dialogue too. I didn't see the end coming, I very much doubt anyone would. The big plus was it worked very well.
I also didn't see one typo. Now that is something.
I enjoyed this little story. You painted an atmospheric and lonely picture of the city. I did wonder how old the girl was though, you did mention she was too small to see the top of the car so I guess she was pretty young.
There was good suspense here and I thought the ending was a nice twist.
Hey, thanks for the read and the comments, alffy. This was my first attempt at a script w/o dialogue so I'm glad you liked the world I created. She was supposed to be young, or at least small.
Quoted from dogglebe
My only problem with this script was that it was overly detailed in the description, particularly the first page. It was more prose than script.
You kept the suspense at a good level, slowly increasing it, something that is dificult to do with such a short script.
Hey Phil, thanks for the compliment on the suspense. I tried to accurately describe the world I saw, and going over it I don't really see what part was overly descriptive. Any part in particular that you didn't think worked? Does that make it unfilmable? Maybe just annoying?
I have to agree with dogglebe about the overly detailed descriptions. That said, the descriptions were good, but a bit less, better worded, but would be a whole lot more. I'd try and avoid the word 'look'.
Like I asked dogglebe, any part(s) in particular? While I admit it was a little more poetic than most of my other scripts, I like how it sounds while I'm reading it.
You did a hell of a lot in what, four and half pages or so. Sans dialogue too. I didn't see the end coming, I very much doubt anyone would. The big plus was it worked very well.
Glad you liked it, I hope I got you with the twist.
I also didn't see one typo. Now that is something.
Big compliment for me, I'm a stickler. I think there are too many scripts posted here that needed a little more editing before they were posted. Thanks for the read.
It is a good script James. And the end did get me. As for the wording I just had a go at editing your first page. It's far easier to criticise than it is to edit.
It's certainly not unfilmable. To me it just read as if it could be condensed. I'm not sure all those details you have are all necessary. Then again I'm not sure which should go. I didn't think it was prose, but it was on the way.
"The trees are weighed down and sad." That's a good line, but it does sound more like a line from a poem than from a screenplay. If I knew exactly what it meant and a clear image sprang to mind, then it'd be great. But, I just get a feeling I know what it means. Maybe I'm wrong, god knows that's happened before.
I've just read through your script again. I think it's more the fact you're fond of a long sentence. Perhaps shorter sentences and a few more commas would help. Something I missed on the first read was 'walks'. Kids don't tend to walk. They skip, jump, slouch and crawl. Those might not be so appropriate here but you follow what I mean. As for the typos I just reread a script I sent in a while ago and found two. Fukc ti.
I'm in the same boat as theMADhatter. I enjoyed the story, great descriptions but the ending was like, not like a proper ending. Just imagining this story shot makes me think this is the first four pages to a feature.
The scene is set, the father has found his daughter, the area is abandoned, what's next? I would be interested to read more.
I quite like the script, it had mystery, and kept my interest. But why did it end so abruptly? I still haven't figured out why things are the way they are and why this seem such a shock to the girl when the entire place is covered with dust...
Not a bad script. Maybe a little too simplistic for its scale but whatever. You did a good job building suspense as others have said. I think the repeated slugs is what did it. You knew how far these two were apart the whole time. I liked the ending. Too many scripts here ending with people being ripped to pieces. I think if you'd taken that root, your script wouldn't have much of an identity. I didn't think the writing was too descriptive. It flowed quite nicely, actually. Then again, I'm a little overly descriptive myself. Whatever. This was good for what it was and I think that's enough.
I've just read through your script again. I think it's more the fact you're fond of a long sentence.
Yes, if you compare this script with any of my others you will find that I got a bit long-winded in this one. Maybe I was trying to make up for the lack of dialogue. And point taken on actions, walk is pretty boring. I like to use pad for kids, that's the best way to describe their movement to me. Somewhere between a walk and jog. Not when they are feeling alone, though. Thanks again for the comments.
The scene is set, the father has found his daughter, the area is abandoned, what's next? I would be interested to read more.
Hey, Javier. Thanks for reading. I think this would have to change a bit to be a longer script as I'm not sure how long I could go on without dialogue and keep it interesting. Or what the rest of the story might be.
I quite like the script, it had mystery, and kept my interest. But why did it end so abruptly? I still haven't figured out why things are the way they are and why this seem such a shock to the girl when the entire place is covered with dust...
I'm not sure exactly what you mean about the ending, like you were hoping for more after the climax? I couldn't really think of more to add that would benefit the story any. Any suggestions?
I liked it, as most have said. I also think it's defintely a bit overwritten for the most part, but I totally understand the style you went for here. It worked for what it was.
A few uses of passive language, where the active voice would have worked better and could have been used so easily, but based on the nice flow and feel here, it's no big deal.
2 complaints...first is the underuse of POV for whatever is following her. You used it at first, but then ignored it. Since you continually shifted between scenes, you need to continually use POV, so we understand that we're not seeing what's chasing her, only seeing what it sees. Simple fix, though.
2nd complaint is the ending, which is a letdown, and leaves me feeling like I didn't get any payoff for the entire story. Yeah, I know, it's only 5 pages, but they still have to go somewhere, and based on the ending, this didn't go anywhere at all. I would have preferred an ambiguous ending, in which we never even find out what's chasing her, but by revealing it to be her Dad, everything we just went through is for naught, so to speak.
But overall, it defintely has a nice feel and flow to it, and although usually I'd be against overly flowery, novelistic prose, it works here, and does paint a cool picture...but then again, that may also be because there really isn't any story here at all.
You can probably shorten this to 3 pages by doing away with the unnecessary, often wordy, descriptions. For instance, page 1 you should simply describe the building in question as dilapidated and be done with it. When we think dilapidated we get a good mental picture of the structure... You don't need to go into detail about how the bottom hinge was all that held the rusty door on the shell of a frame... Or whatever it is you wrote.
Dilapidated -- move on. Saved yourself about 4 paragraphs.
Anyways, aside from your overly descriptive "albeit, very well written" writing... It seemed to be the opener of a much bigger story. Not a lot of content here and I agree with what another said it would be best suited as an animated gig... Hell, I'd Animate it on Toomboom and be done with it.
I really enjoyed your script. It was very visual and I liked that the "thing's" pace picked up at the same time as the action did.
It's good as it is, but this could be the opening to a longer piece, as it would be interesting to see how she and her father, survived, and if other members of her family did too. Also, how she has survived (presumably all alone) for what must have been a long time and to find out where the others are, so you could start here and tell the backstory. Good job though, because I was expecting some zombie, or wild beast to be on her trail, so you did a great job of keeping up the suspense and adding to the sense of chase. Now that I know the twist, of course, logic is asking why Dad didn't just call her name but then I'm thinking either he or she might be deaf, which could be interesting, or that he's afraid of drawing the attention of another "thing."
A few uses of passive language, where the active voice would have worked better and could have been used so easily, but based on the nice flow and feel here, it's no big deal.
Hey, Dreamscale, I think you were the one who pointed out all of the passive voice in my last script too. I'll have you know that I went all the way through the one I just submitted and found some there that I changed. So thanks for your help. I figured that using that much POV would be too much. I introduce it and hoped it would be inferred the rest of the way. You think I should put it in each time? You're not the first to mention that this felt like the beginning of a larger story. I have been thinking about it, who knows. Thanks for the comments.
Baltis - thanks for your comments as well. A few have mentioned it being over-written and the more that mention it the more I realize it is. I checked out ToonBoom, pretty cool. Maybe I'll look into it more.
Harriet - Same to you, I guess. Many people seem to think this feels like an intro to a bigger story, I'll be thinking about it. I'm not sure how far I can go without dialogue, maybe I would just have to ditch that for the rest of it. Thanks for reading and commenting.
James, I just want you to be clear on something...passive verbiage.
I know that I seem to harp on this subject quite a bit in the reviews I post. I usually say something to the effect, that I'm not saying that you can';t ever use it. I truly believe there are situaitons where it actually sounds better and works better. There are also most situations where not only doesn't it sound or work better, but it's just downright simple not to do it.
In your script, your 3rd passage is a classic example of when not to use it.
"The door is hanging on only by its bottom hinge, the windows are gone."
As some have said, this, and many other sentences on your first page are unneccessary, but the passive verbiage here jumps out like a sore thumb and pretty much alerts the reader to almost look for more examples. It occurrs so quickly and is such an easy fix, or catch, that for me, at least, it gives me the feeling that there's going to be alot more of these to follow.
The simple fix here is obvioulsy...
"The door hangs by its bottom hinge only." The 2nd part makes this a run-on sentence, and probably doesn't really tell us anything we want to know.
But what I'm really saying is that if you hadn't included this sentence, chances are good that I wouldn't have commented on pasive verbiage at all, as the rest of your 1st page is clean. There is another example on page 2, and it's an awkward sentence, but if you start things off cleanly, and catch our attention with your story, these things won't jump off the page.
I think it's important for writers to realize this and try to eliminate them, but there are examples where it's going to be fine, and no one will care...or even catch them. First page is key to set your tone and the quailty of the writing. You really can't have mistakes in your first few passages.
The title has a nice depth to it, which is an odd way to start but is the first thing that came to mind.
Well, the script is pretty compelling and it manages to reach a conclusion. What you've presented is a self-contained story/scene, which is what a short should do - but it feels like an artsy little short that really isn't my thing.
The major problem for me is that we have no sufficient reason to care for the little girl, now that may sound bad, but why would I want to watch a girl for 4 minutes suffer without any real explanation as to why? I think it was Phil who referenced how a young director would look at this as a great showcase, which is true, so that could help this get produced and make my question null and void.
Ultimately, this just felt devoid of anything pulling me in - it kind of reminded me of Bert's script where the young child is lost in the supermarket, but that script has more substance.
Sorry if that sounds bad, but I imagine you have this powerful scene that's been cut from a feature and condensed into an intense 4-pages. That's good, but I don't see this as a story as such, but just a rogue scene presented alone.
Having said that, it was well-written, but I would much prefer to see those talents applied to something more substantial.
Baltis - thanks for your comments as well. A few have mentioned it being over-written and the more that mention it the more I realize it is. I checked out ToonBoom, pretty cool. Maybe I'll look into it more.
James
You should, I've done some work with Toonboom and could help you aquire it if you'd like... It seems daunting at first, but after you realize it kinda draws for you and how to use layers and what-not to your advantage then it becomes a damn good choice for your ideas... I've even done several screenplays of mine up in Storyboards using Their easy as hell storyboard software.
Dreamscale, no worries. It has been good for me for someone to help out. Because I am an amateur with no schooling whatsoever in screenwriting I have to rely on my friends here. This script was written and posted before you pointed out my faults in "So Many Words". It has been a good lesson for me and you have spoken clearly. So thanks again.
Quoted from Andrew Allen
Ultimately, this just felt devoid of anything pulling me in - it kind of reminded me of Bert's script where the young child is lost in the supermarket, but that script has more substance.
The more I go over this script with people's comments the more I agree with this. I haven't read Bert's script so I can't compare. I guess begging people to care about a little girl holding a teddy bear just doesn't work. Nothing sounds bad to me, I take all criticism as constructive unless you call me names or something. Even that's OK sometimes.
You should, I've done some work with Toonboom and could help you aquire it if you'd like... It seems daunting at first, but after you realize it kinda draws for you and how to use layers and what-not to your advantage then it becomes a d*rn good choice for your ideas... I've even done several screenplays of mine up in Storyboards using Their easy as hell storyboard software.
Yeah, I took a look at it last night, it looks like pretty handy software for animations. It's not cheap, though, is it? I've done a lot of graphic design but have never done any animation beyond MarioPaint. Celtx has some storyboarding stuff but I've never used it. It would be great to see some stuff from it.
Hey? wha-? What happeend? I was working my mouse like crazy trying to scroll up the next page and there was nothing there. Not even a FADE OUT: Your story just stopped.
Oh well I am guessing this is just an exercise in writing rather then a true short script.
The writing was nice and very descriptive. You paint a very vivid picture with words.
Your devastation was very devastating and I will be scratching my head the rest of the night trying to guesst what happened to the town in your story.
Hey, tonka. Sorry I left out the FADE OUT, I usually do. Not sure why. Thanks for reading and for the comments, I have been thinking about expanding this one but it ranks kind of low on the priority scale right now.
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And I'm glad I got you with the twist. 
It seems daunting at first, but after you realize it kinda draws for you and how to use layers and what-not to your advantage then it becomes a damn good choice for your ideas... I've even done several screenplays of mine up in Storyboards using Their easy as hell storyboard software.
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