Thanks for reading this James.

I've gotten good suggestions in which direction to take this script as for improvement, so I will be working on it tomorrow when I have some time off work.


Do you have a script posted here so I can return the read?

"How To Quit Drinking". Posted somewhere on the current unproduced scripts. Title is misleading. Not a comedy. Thanks,    James

Okay. I'll give it a read.

Hi Cindy,

I enjoyed this once I was through the beginning. Now, after reading it I realize the that's the part that I think needs some changes.

We begin with a lady named Jayne and the Boss and so we're led to believe that they are important. Then, we learn it's not about them at all.

I think that you might instead begin with Tina, receiving the call from her mother and going berserk over the fact that she's coming over. This would create a sense of urgency and really keep us on the edge of our seats with regard to Tina's little adventure.

I think what is currently happening is that we feel a little lost as to what exactly is happening. When she's looking at the baby clothes etc... The writing itself is fine. It just needs to be made more clear what is happening.

The wrong package that is delivered in the beginning sets us on the wrong thought train where we think this is about the Boss.

I loved the incidental nature of this piece. I love to watch this kind of thing and love to write it myself.

All this needs is a few minor tweaks and you're good to go.

Sandra

Quoted from dresseme I think it's a cute enough story, but I can't help but think you need something bigger to take her mind off of having called the police.  I know we're supposed to think it just slipped her mind, but it was all I was thinking about the whole time; and I think the way to make it work is for the audience to forget about the police as well.

LOL I really did forget about her calling the police! Egad! So yes, it worked for me.  

Sandra

Hey Sandra,

Thanks for giving this one a read. Yep I think you're right about the first page. I'll clear that up.

Also, maybe I should play up that scene in the hallway some more for those who were waiting for the police to arrive? I'll figure out something.

Thanks again,
Cindy

This was very cute light, fluffy, bubbly and not for me.

I felt your story was low key and under played. The poor lass was meant to be having a bad day but  everything was near miss or not threatening  (except for the poor squrriel R.I.P little dude) and so it seemed like a pretty ordinary day. Like her husband had a job so it not like she was doomed to lose everything. Plus I did not find it funny at all.

A lot more tragedy and laughing at someone's suffering is what I would like to have seen. but that the type of humour that appeals to me.  

Cindy

I haven't read any other comments, so forgive me if I repeat whats being said.

Your writing in both description and dialogue i good, no real problem there bat the odd spelling and that something we're all guilty of.

Just a few examples "definately" should be definitely

"One-tract" - should be one-track

I liked the opening scenes, made me smile but unfortunately the progression of the story from there went downhill for me. I understand you were going for the silly humour: the purse straps getting snagged, crashing into the woman and knocking squirrel out of the tree, I guess thats just not my kind of humour.


The biggest problem for me was the fact that you only mention that her mother is coming to stay on page 7, which is two thirds through the script. This is supposed to be a driving plot point in Tina's panicked behaviour, yet we're only made aware of it at this point. Only for the logline how is anybody supposed to know before this. It needs to be revealed sooner.

Everything felt rushed with this, from her securing the babysitting job to the final scene of the mother and cop walking in, for it to carry any weight. I think you have a story here which shows potential, maybe if you took more time in the build up, keep the audience up to speed instead of inserting important part of the story at inopportune moments. This only leads to throwing off and distracting the reader, doesn't help the read or do your piece any justice, instead it only detracts from it.

Maybe give it another think, best of luck.

Col.

Thanks a lot for giving this one a read.
Yep, it does nead a rewrite. I added the part in about the mother coming for a visit on the second rewrite. I guess I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks again,
Cindy

Cindy's short, comedy Focus has been filmed by Richard Thompson of Firefly Pictures.

A secretary loses her job, kills a squirrel, and is involved in a big misunderstanding all because she learns that her nitpicky mother is coming for a visit.

You can view the short here.   (Unfortunately, I can not embed the video)

Congrats again...I thought this was done rather nicely.  The scene where she kicked the ball was hilarious.  It was a joy to watch and I'm sure you're very pleased with the outcome.

Thanks for sharing.

Ghostwriter  

Thank you again, Don for putting this up.

Yes, Ghost, I'm very happy with the film.

It's the first short I've had produced, well, other than the machinima of Tattoo a few years ago.

I'm still on cloud nine.
Cindy

Well, after a long enough wait it's nice to finally see how your short turned out!
I enjoyed reading along your script as the youtube video played.
It's always fun to see what gets changed from script to screen.

Director did a fine job keeping the 'focus' of the story itself on Tina, who appears to be a very fun person in real life.
That ad lib, jumping heel-click at 4:34 was a hoot!

Congratulations again on your screenplay being accepted for the awards.
http://www.fncc.org.na/spip.php?article157

Hi Ray,
i liked that little click of her heels, too. Funny thing is is that Lara Lyn said she has a hard time with comedy, but i think she did great.

Cindy

Great work Cindy!!

I don't see my comments here. I know I read it. Long time ago maybe, but I know I read it.