Focus by Cindy L. Keller -  - A secretary loses her job, kills a squirrel, and is involved in a big misunderstanding all because she learns that her nitpicky mother is coming for a visit. 10 pages - pdf, format

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Focus has been filmed by Richard Thompson of Firefly Pictures.

You can view the short here.

It’s a cute story and would make a cute little short film. A few small issues that stuck out for me:

What happened to the woman Tina slammed into at the department store? After she falls down, she looks around and there’s no one there. For a moment I thought maybe she’d bumped into a mannequin or something.

You mentioned the squirrel in the logline but in the script it was incidental, like a gag from “The Naked Gun.” Personally I would have liked to see Tina react to having killed the squirrel. It felt like a missed opportunity.

You might want to think about setting up the mother’s visit a little earlier. It comes out of nowhere. It also makes Tina’s motives unclear. I never got the impression that Tina’s lack of focus had anything to do with her mother’s visit.

The intro with Jim was also good. It was immediately clear by his actions that he was perfect for Tina.

It had a good beginning with the job mix-up and a good end with the cop bumping into the mother, but a few places in the middle seemed a little directionless. It was clear what was going on by the end but there were a few parts in the middle that had me thinking, huh? Particularly the scene with the squirrel and Mary.

Overall it’s a cute little story that, with a few minor changes to make it clearer, would translate to a good short film with a reasonable budget. So good job.


Breanne

Hey Cindy

I think Breanne covered most of things that I was going to say.  Your logline isn't too great on this one and I don't get the squirrel death.

I thought beginning was funny and also the ending too.  Tina's clumsy actions are pretty funny, I love the way she looks round to see if anyone noticed her embarassing mishapes.

It's a nice little story and Tina came across as a very likable character.  I enjoyed this, the descriptions and dialogue were first rate and the story was entertaining, if a little strange.

Breanne,  

So good to see you again. Thanks for giving this one a read.

About the woman in the department store... well, the woman fell backward to the ground.  Tina looked around to see if anyone saw what happened, but she was so embarassed she just had to get out of there.
I had the department store scene because I wanted to mislead, and hopefully make readers think she was pregnant... (Her dialogue and looking at the baby clothes)

Maybe I should write the first scene as Tina talking on the phone to her mother?
Trying to talk her out of coming.

I'll have to think something up for the squirrel.

As always, you give great advice, and I really appreciate your time and thoughts.

Cindy

Hi alffy,

Thanks so much for the read.
I hate to even think of loglines. Yuck.

I'm glad you liked Tina, and how she looked around to see if anyone else noticed what had happened. I'm also glad you thought the story was entertaining, if a little strange...

well, welcome to my world.  

Thanks again for the read,
Cindy

This one had some good, funny moments.  I did have to reread the first two pages to get exactly what happened there, but maybe that's just me.  I think it may have been clearer and funnier if it started in Tina's office instead of the other office, with Mr. James confronting her about the mixed up packages.  It would be even funnier if the other boss was actually into the whole negligee dress-up thing and that's why Mr. James was so pi$$ed off.

Good set up with Tina and her husband gettin it on with the cop and the old mother in law creeping around the house.  I also think you could have gotten more humor out of that.  Like maybe the cop spots the old lady's shadow moving nearby and pounces on her.  Or, the mother in law spots the cop peeking in on Tina and her husband having sex and she attacks him with her purse.  Just some different angles there.

Overall, a good, lighthearted comedy.

Cam

Hi Cindy,
Nitpickety stuff first: -
I agree with Cam - maybe this should have started in Tina's office first (or, as you have said with Tina at home. The opening scenes were a little confusing.

I would have also liked a little more physical description of Tina.
The wording of “The sharp dressed BOSS” came across as a little clunky to me – how about “sharply dressed or, the BOSS is a sharp dresser.

Her eyes widen in nonbelief. I would sub. the word “disbelief” here.

“Tina turns away quickly, and slams into a woman. She SCREAMS as she falls back, to the floor.”   This action line is a little ambiguous (at first) as to who actually falls – I would write “the woman” falls.

The scene with the squirrel actually DID work for me. Made me laugh. I think you need to add a little more of that – maybe another scene/visual.

Tina stretches out of the hallway and scans the room. Is she craning her neck around the doorway here?

911 OPERATOR (V.O.)should be (O.S.).
Wrylie on page 8. (should be babbling)double-b.
definately – page 9 should be definitely
“one-tract mind” should be “one-track” mind.
“Shiney” should read shiny.

Apart from that it was really entertaining – I pictured Debra Messing. BUT, I would have liked another slapstick scene with her doing damage and being totally oblivious to it all.

Great unexpected ending too. Like I said above I just thought you could have pushed the envelope a little bit more. I'd look forward to a second draft of this one.   Libby

Hi Cindy,

I haven’t read the other reviews, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

A very nice link of events. I just love the first scene , but I think it could have been built differently.

Not a  lot to say, except maybe Tina ma kes a lot of fuss just because of her mother’s coming. This feeling should be reinforced by other reason than Jim’s animosity (maybe she thinks she’s really pregnant ?) That’s make Tina a kinda submissive about Jim. Quite surprising for story coming from a woman !

I liked it anyway. Good job Cindy. Too bad I guessed the end as soon as Jim enters the house through the window and Tina calls 911.

Michel

Cindy,

It looks like so much of what I wanted to say has already been said.  Ha, mainly by Breanne.

I don't know why, but I thought that due to your logline, the killing of the squirrel would lead to this crazy Rube-Goldberg-esque series of events that would ruin her day even further.  But alas, it seemed to be mostly a throw-away gag.  I think it'll be funny, but it does seem like a bit of a wasted opportunity.

I think it's a cute enough story, but I can't help but think you need something bigger to take her mind off of having called the police.  I know we're supposed to think it just slipped her mind, but it was all I was thinking about the whole time; and I think the way to make it work is for the audience to forget about the police as well.

But man, all I'm doing is just re-hashing stuff everyone else has said.  Sorry.  I should have gotten to this sooner.  

Good job though, and good luck with further drafts.

Hey Cam,
I like the idea of the mother hitting the cop with her purse. I think I'll borrow that.  

LC,

Thanks for finding the type'os, and I agree with everything you said here. I will be doing a rewrite.

Michel,
Maybe she does think she's pregnant.  
You're surprised this story came from a woman. Shoot, I know a woman who did a lot of goofy things that could put Tina to shame.

Matthew,
Yep, I think I can up the stakes on this one, too. I'll be thinking.... then writing.  

Thank you all for reading and commenting on this script, and as usual, I do appreciate it and the ideas.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller You're surprised this story came from a woman. Shoot, I know a woman who did a lot of goofy things that could put Tina to shame

I was only talking about her submission to Jim.

Michel

michel,
Yeah, that could work.
I think I'll start playing around with it tomorrow since I have the day off.
Cindy

Hey Cindy, sorry for the wait. This was pretty good. Made me laugh. Was this on the site before because I swear I've read it. The opening scene with Jayne and the Boss can be cut out entirely. All it does is slow down the beginning. Get to Tina being fired as soon as possible.

Good format and some believable dialogue. Like how you ended with not one, but multiple little twists. Haha. You set up the pins and then knocked them down. Classic.

4/5

~Zack~

Hi Zack,

Thanks for giving this one a read. This one was on the site before, but I asked Don to take it down after I signed a contract with a producer, but the producer is very hard to get a hold of and things keep happening to put this script on the back burner... so I asked Don if he would put it back up again.

I think I have to add a scene to the beginning showing her in the office, and on the phone with her mother, and a few more bad things that happen there.

Thanks again,
Cindy

Cindy, I'll try to keep this one PC. I liked the story. It was very funny. Good set-ups. I really don't have a problem with her unkowingly booting the squirrel out of the tree. I think it's funny when pre-occupied people walk down the street clumsily and create a  calamity in ther background unbeknownst to them. Would have thought it funny for the squirrel to land and not die, just be pissed off. In the BG he could be doing a geico commercial rip-off and give her the "UP YOURS". Then scamper off. Nice work,   James

Thanks for reading this James.

I've gotten good suggestions in which direction to take this script as for improvement, so I will be working on it tomorrow when I have some time off work.


Do you have a script posted here so I can return the read?

"How To Quit Drinking". Posted somewhere on the current unproduced scripts. Title is misleading. Not a comedy. Thanks,    James

Okay. I'll give it a read.

Hi Cindy,

I enjoyed this once I was through the beginning. Now, after reading it I realize the that's the part that I think needs some changes.

We begin with a lady named Jayne and the Boss and so we're led to believe that they are important. Then, we learn it's not about them at all.

I think that you might instead begin with Tina, receiving the call from her mother and going berserk over the fact that she's coming over. This would create a sense of urgency and really keep us on the edge of our seats with regard to Tina's little adventure.

I think what is currently happening is that we feel a little lost as to what exactly is happening. When she's looking at the baby clothes etc... The writing itself is fine. It just needs to be made more clear what is happening.

The wrong package that is delivered in the beginning sets us on the wrong thought train where we think this is about the Boss.

I loved the incidental nature of this piece. I love to watch this kind of thing and love to write it myself.

All this needs is a few minor tweaks and you're good to go.

Sandra

Quoted from dresseme I think it's a cute enough story, but I can't help but think you need something bigger to take her mind off of having called the police.  I know we're supposed to think it just slipped her mind, but it was all I was thinking about the whole time; and I think the way to make it work is for the audience to forget about the police as well.

LOL I really did forget about her calling the police! Egad! So yes, it worked for me.  

Sandra

Hey Sandra,

Thanks for giving this one a read. Yep I think you're right about the first page. I'll clear that up.

Also, maybe I should play up that scene in the hallway some more for those who were waiting for the police to arrive? I'll figure out something.

Thanks again,
Cindy

This was very cute light, fluffy, bubbly and not for me.

I felt your story was low key and under played. The poor lass was meant to be having a bad day but  everything was near miss or not threatening  (except for the poor squrriel R.I.P little dude) and so it seemed like a pretty ordinary day. Like her husband had a job so it not like she was doomed to lose everything. Plus I did not find it funny at all.

A lot more tragedy and laughing at someone's suffering is what I would like to have seen. but that the type of humour that appeals to me.  

Cindy

I haven't read any other comments, so forgive me if I repeat whats being said.

Your writing in both description and dialogue i good, no real problem there bat the odd spelling and that something we're all guilty of.

Just a few examples "definately" should be definitely

"One-tract" - should be one-track

I liked the opening scenes, made me smile but unfortunately the progression of the story from there went downhill for me. I understand you were going for the silly humour: the purse straps getting snagged, crashing into the woman and knocking squirrel out of the tree, I guess thats just not my kind of humour.


The biggest problem for me was the fact that you only mention that her mother is coming to stay on page 7, which is two thirds through the script. This is supposed to be a driving plot point in Tina's panicked behaviour, yet we're only made aware of it at this point. Only for the logline how is anybody supposed to know before this. It needs to be revealed sooner.

Everything felt rushed with this, from her securing the babysitting job to the final scene of the mother and cop walking in, for it to carry any weight. I think you have a story here which shows potential, maybe if you took more time in the build up, keep the audience up to speed instead of inserting important part of the story at inopportune moments. This only leads to throwing off and distracting the reader, doesn't help the read or do your piece any justice, instead it only detracts from it.

Maybe give it another think, best of luck.

Col.

Thanks a lot for giving this one a read.
Yep, it does nead a rewrite. I added the part in about the mother coming for a visit on the second rewrite. I guess I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks again,
Cindy

Cindy's short, comedy Focus has been filmed by Richard Thompson of Firefly Pictures.

A secretary loses her job, kills a squirrel, and is involved in a big misunderstanding all because she learns that her nitpicky mother is coming for a visit.

You can view the short here.   (Unfortunately, I can not embed the video)

Congrats again...I thought this was done rather nicely.  The scene where she kicked the ball was hilarious.  It was a joy to watch and I'm sure you're very pleased with the outcome.

Thanks for sharing.

Ghostwriter  

Thank you again, Don for putting this up.

Yes, Ghost, I'm very happy with the film.

It's the first short I've had produced, well, other than the machinima of Tattoo a few years ago.

I'm still on cloud nine.
Cindy

Well, after a long enough wait it's nice to finally see how your short turned out!
I enjoyed reading along your script as the youtube video played.
It's always fun to see what gets changed from script to screen.

Director did a fine job keeping the 'focus' of the story itself on Tina, who appears to be a very fun person in real life.
That ad lib, jumping heel-click at 4:34 was a hoot!

Congratulations again on your screenplay being accepted for the awards.
http://www.fncc.org.na/spip.php?article157

Hi Ray,
i liked that little click of her heels, too. Funny thing is is that Lara Lyn said she has a hard time with comedy, but i think she did great.

Cindy

Great work Cindy!!

I don't see my comments here. I know I read it. Long time ago maybe, but I know I read it.

Hey Cindy!

Well done...another South African production - love the accents.   It came out fairly well, could be tightened a bit but it was amusing.   I enjoyed watching it.

Cindy,

Big time congrats on the production.
I hadn't read the script before so all of this was new to me.
It's refreshing to see a bubbly comedy short, so few around!
I was thrown by the opening, thought Jayne was going to be the lead.
I'm glad Tina came along when she did, she has a flair for comedy.
The film really came to life with her on the screen.
I only wish we had the first two minutes back to spend with her.
Cute and energetic, Jim and Tina make a nice couple. Congrats!

Regards,
E.D.

Cindy,

I enjoyed this.  I remembered a bit of the script from reading it during the OWC, but that was long enough ago to see it in a fresh state of mind.  Congrats on getting it filmed.  It was a good job all around.

Hello Cindy,

Big Congrats! This was adorable! And congratulations to the actors and all others involved!!!

I'm going to go back to what I'd said-- what feels like ages ago:

Quoting myself:

I think that you might instead begin with Tina, receiving the call from her mother and going berserk over the fact that she's coming over. This would create a sense of urgency and really keep us on the edge of our seats with regard to Tina's little adventure.

Sandra El.

The package arriving to "The Boss Man" still had me in the dark as the audience.

I still think that if you were to begin with Tina receiving a call from an annoying mother-in-law and do it in Intercut, you'd amp up the tension.

Then, the series of "minor incidents" really do become major as she tries to sort things out.

I think we've all had those kinds of days where every little thing becomes like a massive obstacle and I think that if this can be drawn out, it will raise this to an even higher level and it's already really great!!!

This is such a fun piece. I'm so happy to watch and comment here. Really wonderful, Cindy!!!

Sandra

Thanks everyone for watching it. Glad you got a little laugh from it or it lightened your day. I am working on a rewrite for this. I am going to make it into a feature, and I will start it with Tina at home, making breakfast when she gets the call from her mother. It will be a peek into her world over the course of a few days, until her mother arrives.

The OWC here have really been what has gotten me noticed as a writer. It is those scripts of mine that producers have asked to film.

So, thank you to Don and Phil for the OWC.  

Cindy

Cindy,

LOVED IT, LOVED IT, LOVED IT...

Great job!

Shawn.....><

Quoted from CindyLKeller The OWC here have really been what has gotten me noticed as a writer. It is those scripts of mine that producers have asked to film. So, thank you to Don and Phil for the OWC.   Cindy

I second the emotion. I'm still working on a short that began as a lilly OWC and it's been through several transitions. Maybe I'll never be finished it. I don't know. But to think it began its life as a mad dash to the finish line in a week's time is quite amazing really.

The OWCs are excellent because they force you to work on a deadline. They challenge you to write within parameters. I think they're good for all writers-- both the green ones and the veterans alike. There's a reason why I think they might be good for veterans: Because I think that when you're already solid, you can fall into ruts. You can begin thinking "by habit". Which is great because that means you're just that bloody skilled. But then, an OWC can come along and give you the opportunity to challenge yourself yet again. Maybe you put new handicaps into the equation. Who knows.

So yes. OWC = Positive Challenge. And...

I always liked the stress on the fact that it's a "challenge" as opposed to a "contest".

The fact is: Whoever participates in an OWC is a winner.

Sandra