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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Heavenly Intentions Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Heavenly Intentions by Craig S. Cooper - Short - Kevin is feeding information to a medium, all with the best of intentions. 10 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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The ending is lost on me.
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jayrex
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Quoted from cloroxmartini
The ending is lost on me.


Not exactly a review I'd like to read as the writer.  Completely vague and adds no value to the writer.  There is no response that can be met.

I'll be giving this a read later in the week, but for now I'm addicted to Dragons' Den.


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rendevous
Posted: August 23rd, 2009, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Craig,

I see this is a much improved draft on the previous one I read.


Quoted from HI
She is startled as KEVIN


You slipped outta the present tense there.


Quoted from HI
A hundred or so people are seated in rows


And there. And at that bit about ambient music.


Quoted from HI
I just
need to tell the new people that we
have a Healing Book at the front
here.


I liked that line.

Quoted from HI
SAM
And, it really does work, so feel
free, as Iona said, at the end of
the session.


And that one.


Quoted from HI
MARY
Yes or no dear, yes or no!
Some of the crowd stifle laughs.


That was good too. The B-Movie thing was good too.

I think it's all there to get Clorox. It was for me anyway.

I liked it Craig. I don't think it's your best but it's still good.

Keep it going.



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  August 24th, 2009, 5:49am
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi Re,

I sent a rough draft to Libby, as you suggested.

She had some great ideas for this when she read the first draft-she said to try and approach it from the comedy angle.

I'm working on a complete re-hash as we speak, and so far it's taking a very twisted comedy route (more League of gentlemen than Vicar of Dibley!).


Craig


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LC
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 5:29am Report to Moderator
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League of Gentlemen. Mmm, verrry interesting. Still can't help picturing Dawn French in the "Medium" role.

Hey Craig, I'm really looking forward to the new draft. Let me know when it's up.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby,

Glad you're looking forward to it. I'll PM you when I'm anywhere near happy with it.

Thanks for the wonderful idea.

Craig


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Ophelia
Posted: August 24th, 2009, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I quite liked it, it's one of my favorites of yours so far.  I think the ending worked perfectly, I didn't see it coming at all.  

The couple things I might work on: I'm not sure if you mentioned kevin was sitting right next to her, if you did I skimmed over it.  Maybe a little more description of the setting.
Also some of the dialogue is a little thick, you might try to cut it back some.

I agree with rendevous that most of the best lines are when the medium is kind of playing to the crowd and getting their reactions.  This keeps us in the whole scene, instead of just being a dialogue between the two.  

Very nice job though, good luck with the revisions.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Ophelia.

It does mention that Kevin sits in the empty seat next to Danielle, when all the other latecomers arrive. It probably does need a little more emphasis though, you're right there.

Thanks for the positive comments, it makes it all worthwhile.


Craig.


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James Carlette
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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I had a hunch about the ending - but I still really enjoyed reading it.

There were a few minor issues:


Quoted Text
Iona stands, and heads towards one side of the audience, as Sam heads to the other. They shake hands with all the newcomers.


I didn't see the point of this - you'd end up with about a minute of screentime where people just shake hands.


Quoted Text
And who you know with the bright green sports car, please?


Needs a "do".

I'm fairly sure there was also a "your" where you meant "you're" in there somewhere - but I can't find it now, so I might be mistaken.

Mary insisting on just a "yes" or "no" answer struck me as unlikely. Call me cynical, but most mediums do a lot of their work by drawing information out of their target. Or at least the one's I've seen (in documentaries) do.




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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James,

I'm happy you enjoyed reading it.

'Mary' is based on a medium that I have seen on regular occasions at the weekly spiritualist night at the welfare centre in my home town. You're right that a majority of clairvoyants draw information from their targets (known as cold reading), but this one (I forget her name) insists on 'yes' and 'no' answers, and gets a little shirty if you give her too many details!

The hand-shaking 'farce' happens weekly too, it is supposed to put newbies at ease I think, but in reality, makes them quite uncomfortable!

Thanks for the comments

Craig


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rendevous
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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Bloody hell. Writer in research shocker! Author gets off ample arse cheeks and visits source of story!

Whatever next?


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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James Carlette
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I stand corrected. You obviously have a higher class of mediums where you are.  

I still think you might want to reconsider the handshaking though. Even if it's what actually happens, it just strikes me as something that would look a bit odd (and slow) on screen.




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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

You get the odd one or two that are pretty convincing.

I know what you mean about slowing it down with all the greeting, I'll have a think about that.


Cheers


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alffy
Posted: August 25th, 2009, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig

Got to say I really enjoyed this, it was well written and I don't recall any errors.  I'll hold my hands up and say I thought the ending was going to go the way of Kevin misleading Mary into convincing Danielle of the love between them, but, your ending was much better and I honestly never saw it coming.  There was some real emotion in here and the twist worked well.  Nice work mate.


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