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I really liked this. I was impressed how you told a story with barely any dialogue in the first two pages. The visuals were nice, but my only complaint was the musical chairs part. That kind of went on for a while, and it seemed a bit boring, in my opinion. I'm not exactly sure what could make it interesting, but while I was imagining it in my head, it wasn't too exciting. The ending was good, too, as I didn't see it coming, and thought it was really cute.
Very nice, and something to bring a smile on my face.
Hi Glenn. Neat little story, told with efficency. You always put a dab of esoteric iyour work, which makes it different. Speaking of different, is the font just a different syle you tried? Or new software?
When I look at a one, two, four or in this case a three pager, there should be no mistakes. For the most part, the writing was crisp, but clean by any means, it's not.
Page one...
Your ellipsis, I believe that's what it looks like, spills over into a line of it's own. Doesn't look professional.
Personally, your description of the garden sounds more like a piece of literature then anything else. But then again a lot of writers do this, even for those experienced as yourself.
Middle age? What's that? Give us a number.
Repetitiveness...
Mandy thrusts out her hand at the wolf. Stop!
Wolf obeys the hand, stops mid step.
Why not just, Wolf stops mid step or Wolf obeys.
Again...
Wolf's fidgeting is chronic, he can't take it anymore.
You've already told us this. You could easily leave out fidgeting is chronic. or re-word it.
Page two...
After-- keeping an eye on wolf-- extra space between your comma. Or maybe it might be your software.
"here we go around the mulberry bush", I think your missing a period.
This one liner... Wolf has arrived and he is ready to pounce. Why not, Wolf stands there, ready to pounce.
In the beginning I was like, "what's going on here?" And by the time I finished I was thinking "not bad, it's pretty good". This is an unusual tale and worth the read.
Well, it was... different. Like usual, my reviews tend to mimic what's already been said.
-I liked the visuals. You set up a very nice-sounding backyard. Lol. -There were mistakes in the action lines, but really nothing worth pointing out individually, as it didn't take me out of the story. -The ending, I think, paid off for me, as I watch my dog dream all the time and wonder what they're thinking.
I liked the structure of this one a lot. Up until the end, the story felt bizarre, unfocused and borderline incoherent (emphasis on borderline, I generally understand what was happening). The ending changed everything. Once you realize it's all in the dog's head, everything seems to fall into perspective. It's a very clever way of storytelling IMO. Interesting idea too. Not a fan of the font. A lot of the time, it seemed like spaces were placed intentionally into whole words. Didn't really see the point. Nevertheless, an interesting short.
I enjoyed this short as well. I don't have much to add to everyone else's comments, but I figured I'd add to the compliments. In particular, I really enjoyed the imagery within the first two pages.
My only suggestion is to have Malto wearing a collar with the name "Malto" written on the tag. Thataway the viewer knows who Malto is.
You need to get a handle on Final Draft if this is how to prints off to PDF... Thing is outta control, man. Other than that, yeah... decent little story. I liked the subtle nature of it. I think a lot of writers try too hard at things and in some instances I felt that about this script... Like it was trying too hard at times. Maybe, almost, as if it was trying to out smart the reader... I dunno, it's a feeling I got while reading it.
Anyways, not the worst script floating around the site. Malto reminds me of Maltomeal and I hate that shit, but give and take. You do, as Ghostwriter had said, have some sloppy ellipse work to clean up here and there but for 3 pages I guess readers could read worse scripts.
Good to see you again. I liked this. Sticking with psychological again, I see!
The Wolf is sort of stalking Mandy right there in the beginning. Some resentment? The wolf mask. The dog feeling he's pretending or playing a part he wish he was?
Mandy showing her dominance telling him to stop.
The rabbit being a boy in a rabbit costume. Again, some resentment towards humans...the dominant species?
I have to admit I did not get the "musical chairs" bit.
I think you did pretty good here. Wish I understood all of it since I suspect there are more layers to this than I understand.
Quite enjoyed this one. Felt a bit short, which is always good. The pages went by very quickly which is very good.
I've become less fond of commas than I used to be. You're missing a few hypens here and there (middle-aged etc. but that's more a style thing than a mistake) and I think shorter sentences would help convey more tension.
Only one actual type that I saw "He to is..." You meant 'too'. Sorry if you've heard all this before as I hate reading other comments before I post.
Now, that's all the technical guff outta the way. Onto the good stuff...
Interesting little story, reminded me of the brothers' Grimm and the like. Which is no small compliment in my book.
I did feel though it should have gone on as it didn't quite reach as high as it could have. The dog twitching was a great touch - 'tis always fascinating to watch.
As I said if the writing was that bit tighter and it was slighly longer it would improve. Nevertheless - very enjoyable. Very enjoyable indeed.
The most enjoyable thing for me with this script was trying to work out how a dog would perceive itself and its Human owner. Who would've thought getting inside the mind of a dog would be so much fun.
Judging by most of the comments I guess I did all right.
Hey Glenn, this was bizarre. I mean that entirely as a compliment.
I think the script would play out really well on screen as everything is very visual with no wasted words of dialogue at all.
I thought having WOLF be human with a wolf mask is very clever. Dogs must see themselves as human, at least in a way. The way they are treated by the majority of owners is almost as a child, so a child actor for the part of WOLF would work really well.
RABBIT, I'm not so sure about. This is the dog's dream yeah, so he knows what a rabbit looks like. Unless there's some sort of meaning to the rabbit being a child with rabbit face paint on, I don't really see the sense in that. Having said that, it is a dream and it would look really cool and weird so I'm not sure.
Yeah, overall I kinda liked it as well. There were some bizarre instances, why would Mandy tell Wolf to get the rabbit (when it's obviously a little boy), and what's with the musical chair with the knife. There seems to be some deeper meaning that I didn't get. But maybe that's what dog thinks about!
Good job though.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
But nonetheless it was an interesting one to read. Loved how bizarre the story felt at the beginning, but the end kind of left me wondering something. Why was the Wolf attacking the boy dressed as a rabbit? I assume that the Wolf wasn't going to attack Mandy, he just wanted some attention, but the rabbit I don't understand.
It's been I while since I read one of your scripts, glad I found this one.
Nice little 3 pager here, great ending too. I like how you led us to believe the rabbit and wolf sequence came from the book Mandy was reading before showing the real source of such askew, surreal garden "activities".
I must say though, by page 2 I figured I musta’ stumbled across some sick, twisted, blacklisted child/animal fetish, torture porn...and in screenplay format of all things. Coming via an alternate, parallel portal within the slimy, dank & murky depths of simplyscriptdom! twas the only logical conclusion I could up with, you know.
But what astonished me even more was the firm grasp this demented little fiend possessed of standard screenwriting rules; courier 12 font...check! tight, concise descriptions...check! capitalising character names when first introduced...check! complete abstinence of "we look" or "we see"...check! and not an instance of passive verbiage in sight! I must say I'm very impressed with the Aussie sex offender reformation institutions, they really got them unearthing & utilising their hidden artistic talents in a productive way
Anyway enough of the sh?t talk I enjoyed this, the ending really made it...Although the sick, twisted, blacklisted child/animal fetish, torture porn-ist within me quite enjoyed the garden, fountain and tree grove scenes for their outright randomness, along with the absurdist hierarchy between the man-wolf, woman and boy-rabbit. Ah, had me reminiscing about the good old days on the ru-- Ok I'll stop now, good job.
Glen, sorry, but I can't jump on board here with everyone else.
I didn't like this...didn't like the font used...didn't like the constant 1 sentence passages...didn't like the format/writing style...didn't really get it.
As someone else said, the musical chairs thing went on too long and didn't make a whole lot of sense with the knife thing.
To it's credit, it defintely has a very sureal vibe to it, and that worked, but in the end, I don't think it does, as there wasn't much of a payoff, and the conclusion that the dog was dreaming is something that no one would ever know, in reality.
It takes up 3 pages, but that's only because of the way you chose to write it...with all 1 sentence passages, a space, and another 1 sentence passage, etc. Probably only 2 pages if spaced out standardly.
For being different, I give you kudos, but as a screenplay, I can't say I liked it or that it works.
I have to admit that during the first couple of pages I was scratching my head and wondering what the f***k was actually going on. It tripped me out a little (which incidentally, is not a bad thing).
When the ending was revealed I had a big grin on my face. I had been trying to find some logic behind it, and the fact that it was simply a 'doggy dream' was excellent!
A fine, quick read- most enjoyable and certainly very original. Top stuff.
I could imagine reading this while stoned out my head. That would be some experience. I mean that in a good way.
Like the others have mentioned, the ending makes it worth the ride. I would also agree with a previous poster that having the boy dressed up as a rabbit makes little sense but if you are aiming to have this filmed, it would be much easier that way than using an actual rabbit, I suppose. The dog dreaming himself as a human dressed as a wolf is a great touch, though.
The musical chairs bit didn't frill me. I imagine a dog could dream about killing a rabbit but maybe not playing musical chairs. Who knows? Maybe they do.
I'm a little late to the party here, but just wanted to let you know that I thought it was a great little twist at the end. (This coming from a guy who really spends too much time wondering what his dog is thinking.)
Anyway, I would agree with a couple of other people that I didn't quite get the musical chairs thing, but I don't think it harmed the reading in anyway.
Also I got a creepy kind of feeling from this dog. I mean, if people can be good or bad, why can't dogs. This might take the whole stroy in another direction, but what if you had the young boy who was dressed in the rabbit costume lying on the woman's lap sleeping (i.e. her son). Maybe Malto has some repressed, anti-social feelings toward the kid because he gets most of the attention.
Well, this was different, that's for damn sure, imaginative and with a good payoff. But I think you could have gone weirder actually. Since it's a dream - especially a dog dream - it's almost too linear. Now, I don't know how a dog dreams exactly but if they're anything like mine then it would definitely be all over the place. It should be like a blind man's dream. What does a car looks like to a blind man?
I like the fact that the dog sees himself as a human-wolf and the rabbit as a human-child-rabbit, that actually makes sense but I would not assign the dog any motive what so ever. Dogs are stupid. They do what they do because they are what they are. Yes, you can teach them tricks and get them come when you call but following orders doesn't equal intelligence.
Another thing, I think you need to stay consistent about RABBIT, sometimes you refer to him as Rabbit other times it's the rabbit. I think you should stick with just Rabbit.
Anyway, I liked it.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
This was a cool short. Well written, but I think at times you have written things which cannot be shown on screen. They have been mentioned before.
As Rob said, I think it's really good how the dog sees himself as a wolf, and the rabbit as a child. Very interesting, and it works.
There were some weird situations in this, and I would really like to see you write more of this kinda thing, but without too much of an explanation. In this one, it was clear that the dog was dreaming of being a wolf, etc., but take something like Alice in Wonderland. . . it's weird, out there, and there isn't too much explanation.
I say leave it up in the air at the end in future scripts. Maybe not this one though, the dog is a good twist.
This was a very creative script. I really didnt understand the musical chairs bit though which a few people have commented on. The wolf missing the knife twice made that scene a bit legthly.
To be honest the whole thing creeped me out a bit, thinking about this murderous little dog and his twisted dreams.
I liked the descriptions. I had a good clear idea in my head of what you were describing. Its just understanding of the script as a whole was the hard part.
I agree with what most people have said here already, including what ghost said pretty early on about some formatting stuff (and I don't think anyone commented on "statues" (plural) "on a pedestal" (singular) yet).
Setting that aside, I like the avant-garde feel of the wolf hopping around, following Mandy - it had a very off-broadway, dreamlike quality to it. And contrary to most I liked the musical chairs bit, as the wolf impatiently waits to obtain the knife.
Then someone here asked how a dog could dream of musical chairs, and I have to admit I agree. I'm not sure how to solve that problem without giving away the dreaming dog at the beginning.
The only advice I would give you is to make this longer, and establish the wolf character a bit more beyond the musical chairs scene. Malto imagines himself as a hunter, and we've skipped ahead to the kill. Maybe expand his ritual a bit?
Overall a very original idea and stylish execution, though as a few have remarked you should be tighter and flawless in your narrative.
I loved the musical chair sequence, that's why I wrote it. But I am still struggling with the important factor to keep the audience in mind when write story. A few times with my stories there is always one small situation I create that I think: "Whoa! that's so cool" but makes the reader go WTF? in a bad way. Still struggling to overcome this problem.
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