Quoted from dogglebe Yeah, but there's a lot of open jars in my house. Phil

You'll have to learn to fart them closed.

Hey James.

Maybe the lavatorial humor appeals to us Brits, but I found this BLOODY FUNNY. In the vein of Bottom, Men Behaving Badly or even Benny Hill.

A few technical bits and bobs (small typo's and the montage ) but all in all good stuff.

I think I noted a slight change in your style for this, and that's great. Shows you're wanting to improve by stretching yourself!

As has been said, the ending was a bit rushed, but we've all been there, trying to write a meaningful piece with an eye on another guy's budget.

With regard to other comments, My take on comedy writing is that it's serious stuff, but the content of the script should not be viewed as such. I like the 'parody on life' approach, leaving me (and others) thinking, "Shoot, I wish I could've done that!"

All the best with it.

Martin.

James,

I liked it. I chortled a few times. Fart jokes always seem to hit us guys as funny, no matter how old we are.

The use of OS was distracting because I couldn't picture what was going on in the scene. I recommend this piece have more conflict between Jon and Walter. Jon as the crop duster artiste and Walter as the boss who's trying actively to identify him and stop him.

The high school scene was obviously a flashback but took me a second or two to be sure. No one else commented on it so just an FYI. Your montage was off a tad as MC mentioned.

Your last line was incorrect "Whom I kidding"  should be "Who am I kidding?" At least , I think so, without checking my grammar guide.

Look forward to more stuff from you.

Gary

Martin, Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it. It's not without flaws. My first shot at a montage. Need to study up a bit on that. Good to see we have simlilar tastes in humor.

Keep at it good man...

Gary,

Thanks for the feedback. The (V.O.) and (O.S.) does make it a tough read. I knew exactly where I wanted to take the reader. Maybe needs a revisit to work  on the. Glad you chortled.

You're correct about the last line too... Thanks...

James

You also wrote "So PrettY"?  Well, this story definitely shows that you can be quite diversified in your scripts.

Usually not into fart jokes, but your usage of a kind of anti-Spider-Man was quite funny.  I also loved the scene in high school.  It reminds of when my school served quirt a spicy chili which resulted in students and teachers alike accidentally letting out silent and deadly bombs.  Though some of them weren't so silent.

I get the idea that John is a budding super-villain who fancies this "power over men," such as it is.  The scenario where he panics about not being able to fart was priceless.

And the part where he wishes he wouldn't talk to himsef made me break up.  I usually dislike scripts in which the main characters uses a voice-over to describe the film's events.  I always felt that their talking to themselves was a form of mental illness.  You burst that bubble beautifully.  Bravo.

I would show the office workers and clients at the beginning instead of reading their O.S. remarks.  Seeing a client gag while a co-workef pretends nothing is wrong could make the script funnier.

Richard,

Thanks for the read. Guess this is a good time to give this a guilty bump back to the top of the portal.

Glad you liked it. If I were to expand on this I would have a bit more cat and mouse between Jon and his boss in the office. I think that could be good fun.

I try to picture this on film. The cleaning lady being (O.S.) in the elevator was brought up in a gripe. I think it's funnier.

As well as Jon sitting in his cubicle listening to the reactions he's caused. Just what works for me in my mind.

Glad you liked, Thanks for the read.

James

Hey James,

Well, I've never heard it being referred to as cropdusting, that's funny.

I also liked this script, but I have a couple questions:

Why is Jon targeting his boss? Is it just for the fun of it or did his boss not give him the raise he wanted?

I also wondered about his mother, why she acted like she hated him, but made the gas-producing foods for him anyway. It seemed strange to me.

Now, throwing in my two cents:

I don't think you even need his mother in here. You could just show him making different foods, and saying how well each one worked out.

I also think that the situation between Walter and Jon could be played out a lot more, and I think that Jon should get caught, maybe Walter takes a direct hit??? Maybe while eating???

Anyway, I did like it though. Made me smile.

Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Cindy

James,

This was a pretty gnarly piece. It's funny, though, because we can all relate to it (well, I can, at least)...To the cropdusting part, that is (not the whole consequence part). I saw a typo or two somewhere, but nothing too important, really. One thing that bothered me, though, was the way Jon's mom spoke to him. If she's going to cuss at him, we should know a little bit about her. I mean, Jon is informing us of his life through V.O.'s, so he can at least explain why she may be in a pissy mood? Did she divorce? Is she naturally a potty-mouth? It's just that tiny bit, though, so nothing too big, but it was just kind of out of place, you know? Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe it's because my mom doesn't talk to me like that.

Anyways, great job.

Sean

Cindy, Thanks for reading. See you've got your revised version of your feature up. If I get some time soon, I'll take a look at it. I'm glad you liked it overall.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Why is Jon targeting his boss? Is it just for the fun of it or did his boss not give him the raise he wanted?

I didn't really picture him targetting his boss more then anyone else in the office. He's just a sicko. Loves to watch people gag when they inhale his little secrets.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I also wondered about his mother, why she acted like she hated him, but made the gas-producing foods for him anyway. It seemed strange to me.

I pictured him coming from some type of broken home. An isolated weirdo. Mom's a foul mouthed and hard on him.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I also think that the situation between Walter and Jon could be played out a lot more, and I think that Jon should get caught, maybe Walter takes a direct hit??? Maybe while eating???

Others have said he same. More cat an mouse between jon and his boss at the office could be fun. Not gonna rewrite this one right a way. I wanted to keep it under 10 pages for now. I may expand on it a bit.

Thanks for reading.


Sean, Thanks for reading. AS I responded to Cindy, wanted Mom to come off a bit of a back ass country twat. Probably hard on her son. Who's already a bit of a wimp. Probably why he likes getting back at everybody else this way, but I didn't get into it.

I did read dispatch a while back. I liked it. Just felt anything i would've said, has already been covered. So sorry that I didn't post anything. I think it could've been shortened a bit, but like I said, was covered. Thanks for reading...

James

To see a female cropduster make a minor appearance, stay tuned for my bad-taste sci-fi script Samson and Minerva.  Kind of like Sapphire and Steel meets Monty Python.

James

I got more then a few chuckles out of this, you write good comedy, James (or at least the kind of humour I respond to) Some great one liners in there. Now, I’m going to completely contradict myself here and say I don’t really go for gross out comedies, which I don’t, but I gotta admit I was laughing at this.

I think it was the devil-may-care attitude of Jon more than anything that worked for me but the repeated visual gags of Jon implementing his diabolical olfactory themed sabotages in various locations made me laugh too so what can I say, I’m not as sophisticated as I’d like to think I am.
The very idea of a guy dedicating his working life to covertly stinking up the place whenever the opportunity arose is totally absurd but da?n its funny and executed it brilliantly in my opinion.

Really loved the opening page…and you know what the always say about them having to be killer. Great visual description of the office to begin with thus immediately setting the scene for us, clean, precise and functional.  From Jon’s less then complimentary opening V.O. about his boss, his skulking from the copy room to the cubicle and subsequent explanation for his “crop dusting” technique, you had me smiling, great start.

The break room scene was comical too, must try that in the office I work in.

You interwove the flashbacks well also. They fitted seamlessly into the piece providing the necessary back-story in short, punchy and most importantly very witty vignettes.

Whatever “they” say about V.O. being frowned upon and to avoid it if possible I reckon you successfully fleshed out a likable rogue-ish personality in Jon. Since he doesn’t really communicate with anyone else (as he mentions at the end) you had to give us a window into his mind somehow. The most obvious been V.O. and I feel you handled it admirably. As I said, some great lines in there.

The mother seemed like an uber cu?t, probably why Jon has turned out this way but given the tone of the piece it more than accommodated for larger than life cartoonish characters like having a tyrannical, filthy mouthed, cigarette-sucking-whilst-cooking women as a  mother.

Ha ha, loved the use of the word “unit” to describe one’s genitals, nice.

I liked what you done with the ending having the boss intervene. Loved the “botanical rose garden and “shit wagon rodeo” lines. I figured, on the basis of the logline, that it was going to end with Jon “following through” in his pants while at work or something. Especially when he consumed that horrendous concoction, I thought that’s where it was definitely headed so well done for confounding my expectations anyway, nothing worse then predictability.

Liked his penultimate line too about sorting himself out, getting a friend, a girlfriend and to stop talking to himself. Good ole self deprecating humour, can’t beat it.

Overall, I really liked this, James, I took it for what it is; not too seriously with tongue planted firmly in cheek. It’s not often I can honestly say that I enjoy or laugh out loud at a particular comedy film or TV show, let alone unproduced comedy screenplays but this worked quite well for me, nice one.

Cheers.

Col.

Hey James, this brought a smile to my face for the final half hour or so of my shift so cheers for that.

Not a lot to say about it really as I think you pretty much nailed what you were going for. If the script was any longer then I think Jon's motivation would need to be stressed a little more, but it's fine how it is at the moment.

I'm not really one for toilet-humour but, as someone said previously, Jon's methods were what took the humour above the 'bog' standard

It may be down to the setting, but the script kind of reminded me of 'Office Space'.

Good stuff mate,

Ste

Quoted from Colkurtz8 so what can I say, I’m not as sophisticated as I’d like to think I am.

Anytime One of my scripts can help somebody come to terms with who they really are, I feel I've accomplished my goals.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 The break room scene was comical too, must try that in the office I work in.

Ha. Lemme know how that works out for ya. I work in a machine shop. we just use air hoses to push farts in a certain persons direction. Works brilliantly up to 20 ft or so.

Im glad that you got Jon was a bit of a recluse. I didn't get into his character too deep.

The mother scene has been questioned. Just want to show a bit of his fuckered up childhood.

Hell ,this might be the best review I've ever gotten. Glad you dug it that much. I worked this idea in the back of my head for awhile. When I found an ending, I wrote in in an hour. Crying the whole time. Thanks for reading Col. And yes, beginning to see a trend that comedy may be my strong point. Gonna take a good look at what I wanna do fom here. Especially if my horror feature tanks. Thanks again for the kind words.

Ste, You shouldn't be reading scripts at work. Or farting in the fridge. I'm glad you liked it. It's way over the top. But thats what I like about placese like this. You can take comedy anywhere. Nobody really gets offended.

Iloved Office Space by the way. Could never fathom writing something that good.

Thanks for reading...

James

Heya James,

Thought I would dust off The Cropduster for a read.
This is pretty amusing. I smiled my way through most of it.
There are minor tech snafus here and there, but they didn't stop me from chuckling.

If his mother is such a cow, I think he started cropdusting with her.
And then the phenomenon grew and grew as he got older. Just a thought.
Fine effort, it stinks in all the right ways.

Nice change of pace. Would like to see more of Jon nailing his boss.
Thanks for posting and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

E.D.,

Thanks for reading. I know the montage is screwed up. Most people had a hard time following this as a script because of the overuse of V.O. and O.S. Though, I think filmed the way I wrote it would be funny. Lots of dialogue would be off camera.

His mother is a bit out of place.

Never got any interest on this one. Bunch of locals, need a shitload of extras, though I could cut the high school flashback, it just wouldn't be extremely easy to film I guess.

Thanks for the read. I do enjoy writing comedy, especially that of the lavatorial kind.

James