Thanks Baltis and Marriott,

Baltis, what can I say but wow, I am now looking at the entire screenplay differently.

I have always been great at stories and have an amazing imagination. It is my writing that really lets me down. I am learning heaps from you guys and with all this great advice being hammered into me, I have gone far in a matter of a few months.
If only we teamed up and used my ideas and your writing abilities we can create a blockbuster. (and I'm not kidding)

Going away from Night Games here. Sorry.

I have read a few screenwriting books and let me say most where crap. People writing books on how to screenwrite, seem like people who preach because they can't do. The real knowledge comes from the guys on the front lines like you. I bow my head to you. No brown nosing intended.

I am finding shorts a whole different kettle of fish compared to my features, the ones I struggle to finish that is.
I want to get credits so when my feature is complete, I have a name even though my feature may be released under an alias, for safety reasons. "silence of the lambs stuff" but more psychological and more unique.
One day I will get there.

I will do a rewrite of Night Games, and make it shorter and sharper as per your comment.

Thanks for your help, much, much, much appreciated.

Alex from downunder.

lol - i think everyone hates their own writing.

personally, i think your writing is a great strength - it's clear, it communicates your 'vision' effectively into my head (I think at least!), it's got pace and rhythm.

...and even though yeah some of the dialogue feels like "filler" in places I think of those lines like imperfect building blocks, you need to put something there for the time being to hold the wall up, but later you go back and see the bricks that don't quite fit, and change them for better shaped bricks. The wall itself is sound.

(most of my stuff starts 100% filler, and gets edited into what i hope is distinctive) ...

Quoted from Alex_212 Thanks Baltis and Marriott, Baltis, what can I say but wow, I am now looking at the entire screenplay differently. I have always been great at stories and have an amazing imagination. It is my writing that really lets me down. I am learning heaps from you guys and with all this great advice being hammered into me, I have gone far in a matter of a few months. If only we teamed up and used my ideas and your writing abilities we can create a blockbuster. (and I'm not kidding) Going away from Night Games here. Sorry. I have read a few screenwriting books and let me say most where crap. People writing books on how to screenwrite, seem like people who preach because they can't do. The real knowledge comes from the guys on the front lines like you. I bow my head to you. No brown nosing intended. I am finding shorts a whole different kettle of fish compared to my features, the ones I struggle to finish that is. I want to get credits so when my feature is complete, I have a name even though my feature may be released under an alias, for safety reasons. "silence of the lambs stuff" but more psychological and more unique. One day I will get there. I will do a rewrite of Night Games, and make it shorter and sharper as per your comment. Thanks for your help, much, much, much appreciated. Alex from downunder.

Don't walk away from it -- Fix it.  Never put too much on your plate or juggle more balls than your hands can hold.  I'm piecing together some info for you, some notes you can actually use, that have certainly done me a world of good -- And, no, they're not in store bought books.  The most important information comes from Analyst and Consultant... You're paying them good money to learn what they know and, believe me, I've learned plenty over the years.

As I said, don't walk away from this one.  There is room here and it has massive potential for a good hook and a nice, small, tale -- Something you'd see on a Tales From The Crypt or  Twilight Zone.  

HEY BALTIS

When i said going away from Night Games here I meant I was blabbering on, off the topic, not that I was going to drop it. Sorry for not explaining myself better.

Thanks for all your advise and I look forward to your PM with the information you mentioned.

Regards Alex

Quoted from Baltis. I'm piecing together some info for you, some notes you can actually use, that have certainly done me a world of good -- And, no, they're not in store bought books.  The most important information comes from Analyst and Consultant... You're paying them good money to learn what they know and, believe me, I've learned plenty over the years.

Not to derail Alec's thread, but I'd be interested in hearing this "important information" you speak of.   Maybe you could post it publicly or even on a separate thread?

Thanks M.Alexander

It is Baltis's information and what he sends to me will remain with me, I would not forward anything on, unless Baltis wanted others to have it.

If he doesnt, then you may be putting him on the spot after all it is his own stuff.

Regards Alex

PS On top of all that you have not even read Night Games or posted here regarding Night Games so it would be hard to take in what they are referring to above ????

Quoted from Alex_212 Thanks M.Alexander It is Baltis's information and what he sends to me will remain with me, I would not forward anything on, unless Baltis wanted others to have it. If he doesnt, then you may be putting him on the spot after all it is his own stuff. Regards Alex PS On top of all that you have not even read Night Games or posted here regarding Night Games so it would be hard to take in what they are referring to above ????

Actually I was directing my question to Baltis.   I'm definitely putting him on the spot.   And I hate to say it, because you're a nice guy and a very active member, but I did read Night games and didn't care for it.  I opted to keep my comments to myself because I didn't want to discourage you.   Looks like that cat's out of the bag.  Sorry.

EDIT:

Ok, let me rephrase.  First time I read it I only got a few pages into it.  I was turned off by what I perceived to be grammatical and format errors.   Not to mention the title page.  Lose the revision count.  No need for it lest you're an industry pro.  

Also, first time I read it the "C" in Curtis' name was offset.   Looked weird.  Reeked of ametuer writing.  Apparently it's been fixed since the last time I looked at this script.  

1st page; Maths class.  Shouldn't it be math class or iss that an Aussie thing?

Also, some of the writing seems clunky to me, but I think that might just be a cultural thing.   For example, you write:

EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS - DAY

Students sit on the grass and bench seats.

BILLY CARDER (18 ) sorts through his bag. He forces a cheese sandwich into his mouth.

CURTIS SANDS (19) sits nearby and watches Billy closely.

Personally I'd just write it like this:

EXT.  COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY

An assortment of STUDENTS linger about.

BILLY CARDER, 18, sits on the grass eating a sandwich.

CURTIS SANDS, 19,  sits nearby watching him.

I wrote that on the fly, but I think you get my point.  It's a matter of personal preference.  On a positive note, I like the ending.  It did provoke an emotional response.   Good job for that.

Hopefully Baltis will give you better feedback than I can.   Good luck and best wishes.

Quoted from M.Alexander Actually I was directing my question to Baltis.   I'm definitely putting him on the spot.   And I hate to say it, because you're a nice guy and a very active member, but I did read Night games and didn't care for it.  I opted to keep my comments to myself because I didn't want to discourage you.   Looks like that cat's out of the bag.  Sorry.

That's an easy one to walk away from... I don't have to disclose anything I've paid for over the years with anyone in public forum.  I've had extensive coverage, contact and services from two of the top, most well respected consultants/analyst working on a rotating basis over the last 4 years.

Take this to PM and leave this guys thread be if you've nothing to contribute.  I'm sure  Don and Bert would both agree...

Quoted from Baltis. That's an easy one to walk away from... I don't have to disclose anything I've paid for over the years with anyone in public forum.  I've had extensive coverage, contact and services from two of the top, most well respected consultants/analyst working on a rotating basis over the last 4 years. Take this to PM and leave this guys thread be if you've nothing to contribute.  I'm sure  Don and Bert would both agree...

Did I say you have to disclose anything?  It was a simple question.

As for the rest of your response -- pffft.

Hey Alex,

SPOILERS!  

First time reader. Wow. Liked this. This reminded me of an episode in Are you afraid of the dark?. The good old days. lol.

suggestions:

Change Anthony's age on the gravestone. Doesn't correlate well when he appears to Billy.

Explain the rules of the game like how do they know someone's going to play fairly.

Anthony should scare the shit out Mark when Mark threatens to beat up Billy.

Other than that, it was a great read. Has a lot of potential.

Gabe

Alex,

Here's a few other examples of what I consider clunky writing and format errors.

Quoted from Night Games, pg 4 CURTIS There’s more to it. CURTIS (CONT’D) The mausoleum is a safe house, you can’t die there or within fifty metres.

Fix it.

Quoted from Night Games, pg 1 A devious smirk cuts across Curtis’s face.

Curtis smirks deviously.   Much more simple.  Or better yet, just remove it, IMO.

Quoted from Night Games, pg 3 EXT. CURTIS’S HOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT Billy parks his backfiring sedan and steps out

EXT.  CURTIS'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Billy parks his car and steps out.

Better to keep it simple, IMO.

Quoted from Night Games, pg 3 Billy nervously bites his nails.

Looks clunky.  Doesn't even need to be there, IMO.    

Quoted from Night Games, pg 6 The shape of a moonlit building in the distance.

Re-think that line.  

Quoted from Night Games, pg 8 As they walk out through the doorway, a dark shadow Moves through the doorway into the mausoleum. Billy steps to one side.

Fix "Moves".   Shouldn't have typos like that after 3 revisions.

Quoted from Night Games, pg 10, 11 They crawl parallel to Peter and eventually line up along the same isle. Anthony crawls in the isle parallel to Billy.

Aisle.

Hope this helps.

Thanks M.Alexander and Mr Ripley.

Wow this thread has taken of with many posts today. Its ashame i was away from my computer working.

Mr Ripley thanks for the read and glad you enjoyed it, I really need to  do a rewrite and sharpen it up in areas. Glad you liked the ending though i am considering whether I drop the Dad angle ??? ATM I fell like i should keep it as it opens a can of worms.

M Alexander, thanks for your comments and I will be sure to take them into account when i do a rewrite, as previously mentioned i am good at storyline though I suck on the technical side, though learning quickly from SS members.

Thanks for the read and hope you come back for the re-read when i update it.

Alex

Quoted from Alex_212 Thanks for the read and hope you come back for the re-read when i update it.

You're welcome.   I'll definitely be back for the reread.  

And you're gonna hate me for saying this but you might wanna consider a new title.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081228/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097971/

Thanks M.Alexander,

Is M.Alexander what you would like to be refered to or is it Mark or something else ????

Even though the name has been used, I still think "Night Games" is appropriate as it does describe the screenplay effectively.

There are not many names that have not been used in the past.

If it was a feature I may think differently though.

Thanks Alex

Hi All,

Just 2 let you know I have just completed a rewrite and have stripped the screenplay from 12 pages down to 8 pages so hopefully it should be an easy read.

Please let me know your thoughts.

I have also had comments to change the name from Night Games and are considering a change and calling it "Marble City" please let me know what you think.

Regards Alex