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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Two Psychos - filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    Two Psychos - filmed  (currently 7153 views)
Don
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 12:44am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Two Psychos by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Horror - A newbie serial killer learns a lot from his new found master. 15 pages - pdf, format


Two Psychos from Indie Me on Vimeo.



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Grandma Bear  -  April 2nd, 2020, 7:39pm
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LC
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SPOILERS BELOW:



Well this was a nice little tale. And clever too. I do think it relies heavily on coincidence - good you put the stats in there, but even so I wondered how long she might be waiting around this truck stop before she'd actually come across a man to do the job for her.

FOXY
He’s a real asshole. A no good
cheating husband.
Mean as fuck.
Beats his wife and his dogs. Steals
from his employees and don’t pay
taxes.

I'd change 'husband' above to bastard - just cause it's at this point it did pull me up and had me wondering if he was in fact her husband.

FOXY
His wife has a million dollar life
insurance on him, so I figured I’d
be doing her a favor.

Why is this past tense? I get that it could be both by way of just a figure of speech but  'I figure I'll be doing her a favour.' would work more in the present.

Further on:

He’s my husband.
Perhaps she pointedly says: 'he was my husband'
Not essential though.

The chlorine bit and her response to him not getting it, and then he finally getting it, is a real 'eww'  class moment. Very well done.

Finally, all I'll say is after Foxy's finished with her research, she'd better get rid of those photos!

Great dialogue, fourteen pages flew by. I can see this getting picked up by a gore-loving filmmaker, pretty darned fast. Good luck with it.


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Equinox
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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This is a real funny one, I haven't laughed as much as that for quite a while. Very nicely written, I must say.

The major weakness is that the story is easy to predict. I was already confused when Wolfman just easily confessed he's a serial killer to some random woman he just met for the first time. My suspicion turned out to be correct.

Other than that, the description of what is going on with Harry was fabulous. Made me laugh a lot when I imagined Wolfman showing Foxy several torturing tools with a questioning eye.. seemed like a kid under the christmas tree.

Like this one, good job.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 6:20am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia

Owe you a read, although this is shorter than the 7WC.

I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!

It reads quick and is simple to follow. Dialogue flows but it could do with a bit more to tease out his circumstances.

I like the idea of two killers meeting and sharing stories. The fact that she doesn't do anything and films is rather suggestive she's not going to take part. May be an old knife could have blood. Needs a wipe. We then are a little more believing. The filming could go as well as it doesn't serve much, and whilst the script is not reality, as Libby points out this is just evidence she was there. So why?

How about she practiced on one before to fine tune what she needed to do, but since he can do it for her, it's not required.

The foot at the back of the truck description is a horrible thought.

I suppose with this one question is, can you bring anything to the table that feels new. Lots of killing and serial killer scripts. Difficult but worth asking.

Oh, one thought, she could have some wounds. She says there from a killing, actually from the husband .

For some reason this gave me an idea of a script. Someone digs up an old phone, the charger with it. Old style that doesn't get made anymore. On this is one thing - footage of a killing.  What happens next...

Best of luck, no doubt Janet will want this one for STS

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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_ghostwriters
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 6:44am Report to Moderator
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Pia,

Its been a while since I've read a short that caught my eye.  A dark, twisted tale you've spun.   The bits about serial killers, disorganized lust killers are spot on... I researched the topic thoroughly for my script Reap & Sow...  lends credibility to the story.  That's a plus.  

Good dialogue.  This line made me laugh out loud.

C’mon, better talk while we drive than airing our soiled laundry out here.

It unfolded rather nicely, but in the end... the script just has to work, and this one does - JMHO.  


Thanks, I enjoyed reading this, best of luck with it...

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Equinox
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

I have to say I'm not sure how Thor above found this funny. Each to their own!


Well, you must admit that the scenes where Wolfman is allowed to live out his fantasies on Harry while being supervized by Foxy's critical eyes is ultimately funny. I don't think the author made up this script in order to seriously tackle the topic of lust killers, it's obviously a nice little story with a dark sense of humor behind it.


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LC
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and she wants to perhaps get inside the mind of a killer - and she can get the insurance payoff.

My understanding was that Foxy is stringing him along and everything that comes out of her mouth is just a story she made up, including the very gory but effective 'foot long piece of spine' - (great description that sticks with you btw, meant to mention that) she's a crime writer so she's fabricated an entire history as a killer.

Hmm, and she has an abusive husband, I suppose...

Reef's comments just led to me clarifying what I thought.

That said:


Quoted from Bill
For some reason this gave me an idea of a script. Someone digs up an old phone, the charger with it. Old style that doesn't get made anymore. On this is one thing - footage of a killing.  What happens next...

Bill, I'm pretty sure I read a short not too long ago - I think it was James (Jwent) about a waitress who finds a phone with the murderer's footage of his killings - from memory she's inside a restaurant and the killer is outside - discovers she has his phone etc. I could be wrong about the author - can't remember the title of it either but it'd make a great short for STS if anyone else remembers it?? - or I can look it up. Sorry, really getting off the point now...

Looking forward to Pia weighing in on this.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 14th, 2015, 7:17am
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Equinox
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
I wasn't quite sure how Thorsten found it laugh out loud quite so much either, but there is definitely a black humour to this probably due to Wolf's naiveté and the irony of that too, given Foxy is not a killer at all but just using him to have him kill for her, and then she can get the insurance payoff.


Probably I've got a strange sense of humor, so don't worry. Just re-read the scenes where Wolfman digs in Foxy's bag and pulls out one tool after the next. Then he shows it to her with a questioning look, she shrugs or makes funny comments about her being creative at times. If you stll don't think this is inherently funny, then it's probably me



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LC
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Quoted from Equinox


Probably I've got a strange sense of humor, so don't worry. Just re-read the scenes where Wolfman digs in Foxy's bag and pulls out one tool after the next. Then he shows it to her with a questioning look, she shrugs or makes funny comments about her being creative at times. If you stll don't think this is inherently funny, then it's probably me


I agreed there is a darkly humorous element to this, just chuckle for me, not roll in the aisles funny exactly.  


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Equinox
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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I just imagined the guy from Hangover, Zach Galifianakis, with thick glasses and messed up hairstyle playing Wolfman. I'd really pay to see this


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Grandma Bear
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Hey everyone! I go to bed and when I wake up this is up and already has a lot of reads. I appreciate that, but I need to tell everyone that if you're looking for return reads, it might not happen. Besides being normal busy with life, I have some 7WC scripts to read and also five features to finish writing before the end of the year.

I will respond to the reads so far as soon as I get to work. Right now I'm waiting for tree cutters to come and take some trees down.  


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LC
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Wow, five features!

No need for a return read of anything, here.

And good luck with your tree fellas (pun there). Hope they're strapped in right. Shoulda said, tight.  



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LC  -  August 14th, 2015, 9:12am
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Grandma Bear
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Thanks for reading Libby! Always well thought out helpful. Much appreciated.

I've been in a writing slump lately and started to panic since my deadlines are drawing near. I tried to kick myself into gear, but it's been tough. Then last week, my muse came back, but only for a short visit. She told me to write this, so I did. I've been back to writing a little every day since, but not like I used to. I debated with myself this past week wether I should post this one or not. I thought perhaps it would be too "sick".  I should've known better!  


Quoted from LC

Well this was a nice little tale. And clever too. I do think it relies heavily on coincidence - good you put the stats in there, but even so I wondered how long she might be waiting around this truck stop before she'd actually come across a man to do the job for her.

I saw Bill saying the same thing, so this is for both of you. Depending on which estimates you read, there are several, there is anywhere from 50 - 300 serial killers operating in the US at all times. People go missing all the time and many are never found. There are in other words serial killers everywhere. It might be a stretch to imagine this in other countries, but here? Anything is possible.


Quoted from LC

FOXY
He�s a real asshole. A no good
cheating husband.
Mean as fuck.
Beats his wife and his dogs. Steals
from his employees and don�t pay
taxes.

I'd change 'husband' above to bastard - just cause it's at this point it did pull me up and had me wondering if he was in fact her husband.

I agree and will change that later today.


Quoted from LC

FOXY
His wife has a million dollar life
insurance on him, so I figured I�d
be doing her a favor.

Why is this past tense? I get that it could be both by way of just a figure of speech but  'I figure I'll be doing her a favour.' would work more in the present.

I try to write dialogue as I hear it. Often, people speak far from correct grammar.


Quoted from LC

Further on:

He�s my husband.
Perhaps she pointedly says: 'he was my husband'
Not essential though.

I thought about this and decided he was would work better since he doesn't resemble a husband anymore.



Quoted from LC

The chlorine bit and her response to him not getting it, and then he finally getting it, is a real 'eww'  class moment. Very well done.

Finally, all I'll say is after Foxy's finished with her research, she'd better get rid of those photos!

Great dialogue, fourteen pages flew by. I can see this getting picked up by a gore-loving filmmaker, pretty darned fast. Good luck with it.

Ewww moments are great!  

Thanks for the compliments. I doubt anyone would want to film this though. That's certainly not why I wrote it. I just felt like  writing something for me that I would like. Sticking to my roots. I'm tired of writing stuff that fits low budget indie filmmakers.

Pia  




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Grandma Bear  -  April 12th, 2020, 1:06pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Nice job with this one,

I knew one of these clowns was manipulating the other,  just not sure which and why. I would have a more verbal challenge about entering the back of the van just for believability. I would think the equipment of a killer wouldn't be left out open in a van but no biggie. Have her knock over a box with all that shit in it or something.

One thing that kinda confused me was your highlighted  instruction about all carnage happening to Harry off screen. Then you show a series of shots implying that Harry is the recipient to... I had to think about if this was actually happening to harry or someone else.  Is the instruction even needed when you specifically describe the shots?  Just wondering about  the technical angle to that.

The reveal did get an audible laugh out of me.

Gj.

Tony
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Equinox
This is a real funny one, I haven't laughed as much as that for quite a while. Very nicely written, I must say.

I think you said you are from Germany. I'm Swedish. Maybe that's why you thought it was funny. Often, what's funny to English speaking people isn't funny at all to me and the things that are funny to me, seldom are to Americans especially. That's why I never try to do comedy. Everyone says I suck at it. Somehow, this type of humor seems to always slip into my horrors though. Go figure.


Quoted from Equinox
The major weakness is that the story is easy to predict. I was already confused when Wolfman just easily confessed he's a serial killer to some random woman he just met for the first time. My suspicion turned out to be correct.

In my way of thinking, Foxy is much smarter than Wolfman and she's got him pegged right away. He's IQ is much lower and therefore, she has power over him right away.


Quoted from Equinox
Other than that, the description of what is going on with Harry was fabulous. Made me laugh a lot when I imagined Wolfman showing Foxy several torturing tools with a questioning eye.. seemed like a kid under the christmas tree.

Like this one, good job.

Thanks! You got it right. Wolfman is not the brightest crayon in the box, but he's eager to learn the ropes, so to speak from this woman who is his superior. That was meant to be funny. It took me a few minutes to decide if I I should show the action or not, but decided not to, because that would've taken the mood in a different direction.

Pia  


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