SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 24th, 2020, 5:28pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

blah, blah, blah challenge scripts are posted.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Call On Me - Filmed
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Call On Me - Filmed  (currently 2282 views)
Don
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14133
Posts Per Day
1.97
Robocaller by PH Cook - Short, Drama - A lonely old man resorts to chatting with a robocaller who's equally lonely. 13 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Grandma Bear  -  February 12th, 2020, 3:55pm
Logged
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66
Hey,  Pia - gave this a read.

SPOILERS AHEAD


Quoted Text
The phone lies silent on the table while the sound of Vernon
running water in the bathroom, getting dressed in the bedroom
fills the space.


Not quite sure what I am supposed to be hearing here in terms of the sounds of someone getting dressed. I would consider.

- nuking the kitchen silent phone scene and instead start the scene in the bedroom. Have Vernon's cloths laid out on the bed. The sound of running shower from the bathroom.

- Then he re-enters the kitchen, cleaned and clothed.


Quoted Text
FEMALE VOICE
Hi. This is Jenny. Iím
calling you to let you know
about our great deals for new
customers on our unlimited
phone and text pla. Please
press one to -


typo - plan.

I thought Jim offered up the details of his personal life - divorce, PTSD etc just a bit too quickly. Vernon's a faceless stranger to him.  Just needed to be a bit more of a catalyst here, IMO.

Just my opinion - I think this would work more effectively over a couple of calls. e.g., call one Vernon asks what's going on with Jim - gets no answers. Jim eventually hangs up on him - BUT - next day - Jim calls back - why were you interested? etc. Then maybe it ends - next day Jim calls back again and spills his guts.

I love the arc of the story you have here. It is a very poignant tale with a nice beginning tied neatly into the end. I just think the middle is rushed timeline wise - it's the type of pain suffering that really takes a few days to get too.

Overall - very nice job here. Best of luck



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 1 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Hi Dave! Thanks for checking this out.

As mentioned somewhere else, this one is something Dena and I will shoot next month, so we're hoping to get some great SS feedback.    

We have the location and actors, so the script is written with all that in mind.


Quoted from eldave1

Not quite sure what I am supposed to be hearing here in terms of the sounds of someone getting dressed. I would consider.

- nuking the kitchen silent phone scene and instead start the scene in the bedroom. Have Vernon's cloths laid out on the bed. The sound of running shower from the bathroom.

- Then he re-enters the kitchen, cleaned and clothed.


Good advice, but here's where production issues come in. We only have one day to do this, so it speeds up the shoot if we don't have to set-up with lights and stuff in the bedroom too. Not exactly a new location, but a new set-up. Therefore it makes more sense to focus on the phone and just hearing water and someone making a little noise from the bedroom.


Quoted from eldave1

I thought Jim offered up the details of his personal life - divorce, PTSD etc just a bit too quickly. Vernon's a faceless stranger to him.  Just needed to be a bit more of a catalyst here, IMO.

Just my opinion - I think this would work more effectively over a couple of calls. e.g., call one Vernon asks what's going on with Jim - gets no answers. Jim eventually hangs up on him - BUT - next day - Jim calls back - why were you interested? etc. Then maybe it ends - next day Jim calls back again and spills his guts.

Someone else suggested a similar thing. I'm listening. Only thing is that I don't want to spread it over several days. Could cut the other calls though and only have Jim's calls?

Btw, this idea came about because I answer at least ten calls every day at work that are robocalls. Some are recordings, some are silent (have no clue why), others are from live people in boiler rooms and others seem to be someone desperate to make money that bought a robocaller plan and is working from home on their own.


Quoted from eldave1
I love the arc of the story you have here. It is a very poignant tale with a nice beginning tied neatly into the end. I just think the middle is rushed timeline wise - it's the type of pain suffering that really takes a few days to get too.

Overall - very nice job here. Best of luck

Thank you! Our goal here is to make this the best it can be before Aug 24th.

Thanks again for your input. Very much appreciated.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 70
eldave1
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Hi Dave! Thanks for checking this out.

As mentioned somewhere else, this one is something Dena and I will shoot next month, so we're hoping to get some great SS feedback.    

We have the location and actors, so the script is written with all that in mind.



Good advice, but here's where production issues come in. We only have one day to do this, so it speeds up the shoot if we don't have to set-up with lights and stuff in the bedroom too. Not exactly a new location, but a new set-up. Therefore it makes more sense to focus on the phone and just hearing water and someone making a little noise from the bedroom.


Someone else suggested a similar thing. I'm listening. Only thing is that I don't want to spread it over several days. Could cut the other calls though and only have Jim's calls?

Btw, this idea came about because I answer at least ten calls every day at work that are robocalls. Some are recordings, some are silent (have no clue why), others are from live people in boiler rooms and others seem to be someone desperate to make money that bought a robocaller plan and is working from home on their own.


Thank you! Our goal here is to make this the best it can be before Aug 24th.

Thanks again for your input. Very much appreciated.  


My pleasure.

Last thought - if you don't want to spread it over several days - you could have the interruptions same day. e.g., at a critical moment Jim hangs up on Vernon (he's had enough) - moments later after reflecting - he calls back. Just food for thought.

Looking forward to seeing your film


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 3 - 70
Arundel
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
210
Posts Per Day
0.40
Hi, this is a good premise for a short. Just a few things: The title is "Robocaller" and Jim refers to himself as a robocaller, yet he is an actual live person. A robo call is a computerized voice or a recording. Jim is more of a telemarketer or salesman.

Your slug line says JIM'S APARTMENT instead of JIM'S OFFICE.

When Vernon is telling Jim about his memories of Brlsen, it goes on for a long time, like a monologue. Nothing happens to break it up. This is good for a theater piece, but needs some "action" for the screen. Their conversations could be over the course of a couple days. Jim calls Vernon back to talk to him more. He has to sneak in the call so his boss doesn't catch him not sticking to the sales calls.

Just a few suggestions.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 70
Pale Yellow
Posted: July 22nd, 2019, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2062
Posts Per Day
10.18
I was thinking that the auto call at the beginning and the woman telemarketer could be replaced with two other calls from Jim... and make this about Jim and Vernon. That way the IRONY would be that he is aggravated and JUST hung up on the VERY person he needs to connect with... they are perfect for each other and I think what ElDave suggested is what I was thinking about these calls. That first call from Jim ... would be so KEY if you change it because Vernon would hang up on him cutting off the guy on the line that he could help by listening..and vice versa... both guys have something painful in their history ...

I love this story. It is similar to one that made it to Oscar shorts in 2015 called The Phone Call.. I think this one is sweeter though and one we can all relate to.

Also ... the title could be something different .. more drama... dunno why but Robo makes it sound a little sci-fi or something... maybe Time Share or Time Shared since Jim is selling time share.. but what they need is time shared to talk about their painful past thus helping them both deal with it.

Really really great story Pia. I'm excited about filming this one. I think the cast is perfect as well for this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 70
LC
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 4:22am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
Hi Pia, my observations and a few suggestions. Obviously, take or leave...

This is a highly emotive and poignant story.

As I read:

Opening visual of photos. I think you need a photo of his (obviously deceased wife) in the mix too.

I personally would have Vernon be completely invisible to the next door neighbour and react to that. Plenty of people of a certain age complain people no longer even see them.

Her sunglasses obscures most of her face. (obscure)
Suggestion: Sunglasses obscure most of her face.

I agree with two points Arundel made - the technicality of Robocall in the title and the amount of dialogue v showing us their history.

I'd ditch the Robocall preamble altogether and launch into the main story and focus on Jim & Vernon only. Perhaps Vernon hangs up but Jim persists Ė quotas, and all that - he has to mark Vernon's call as called and answered. Finally Vernon answers and goes into his line of personal questions to Jim. This cuts to the chase imho. Preamble could focus on Vernon alone with only the photos and the silence so when the phone rings it cuts through that silence Ė additionally Vernon looking at the phone, it never ringing, him picking it up to call his son, changing his mind, checking for dial tone etc., can serve even more powerfully than spelling it out for the audience that his son forgot his birthday etc. I donít think you need that heavy a hand.

Jim is going 100mph. Vernon cruises at 30mph Lovely line.
Love the opening dialogue between them that follows too. A human voice. I love that Vernon continues with his own personal line of questioning cutting through Jim's spiel.

Typo: Hannibal Lechter (Lecter) unless that was deliberate.??

What makes you so
desperate to talk to someone, you
have to resort to talking to a
robocaller?


Maybe he should call himselfall a telestalketer, telebotherer, telepanhandler or talkin donkey, in true
self-deprecating manner?

I donít have anyone that wants to
talk to me. Iím eighty-two. Not
gone yet. Iím still here. But,
somehow everyone seem to already
have forgot about me. Like I donít exist.


Bit much that imho.
I'd just go for: I'm eighty-two years old now.
Seems I'm invisible to the rest of the world. Or, people no longer see me.

Jim's line: No one really wants to talk to me
either. I donít know why
. (I'd delete that latter, cause unfortunately he does know why). He's a scared man and no one wants to look into the eyes of a grown man whoís scared. It scares them.

Typo bottom p.7
wether or not
whether

Why is this: providing armed support. highlighted on my download?

I canít help thinking you could do with condensing a lot of Jim's talk with some quick-flash images of Afghanistan Ė the IED explosion, Jim screaming, cradling his (torn to shreds) mate etc. Likewise some quick images with Vernonís story, interspersed with the story or V.O.

Is it too expensive to do this, stock footage with emotive sound effects overlaid?

The nicest guy Iíve ever met died
in my arms with his insides spilled
out on a dusty road in a far away
land where no one could give a shit
what happened to him.

Great line above!

Vernonís story is equally as powerful. I just think it would be more powerful with some carefully placed and poignant images. Itís often common that people with PTSD, ex war vets, donít talk much at all, like getting blood out of a stone - the silence of soldiers, my husband calls it.

This:
VERNON
Turns out they werenít really
looking to adopt out of love. They
mostly just needed a farmhand. I
had a tiny room in their attic on
their farm in Wisconsin. It was
very hard work, but I had a warm
bed to sleep in, plenty of food and
no one ever laid a hand on me.


That above: Goes a step too far for me too and could ironically dilute all thatís gone on before. I think he could be more modest in the final telling. I'd finish his story here:

VERNON
I spent two years in England, then
someone knew somebody who knew a
family in America who wanted to
adopt, and they sent me off.


I did alright.  Warm bed, plenty of food.
And then add something like... Then... I met the love of my life. Had my own family.

vernon bottom p.12
Needs an upper case

...

Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).:

Call Back
Duty Call
Call Up
Call on Me
Cold Call.
...

Hope some of this helps. Great story, could be a bit more visual, not just audible imho, cause I kept supplying the images in my head. That's obviously down to the great writing but I think if I'm watching this I'll want to see more of those images actually on screen.

** Dena, do you have a link to The Phone Call or any Oscar nominated/winning Shorts? All I can see are trailers.




Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  July 23rd, 2019, 6:35am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 9:26am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks for the input Arundel, Dena and LC. Awesome feedback as always!

I will be back later today with a more detailed reply. Just wanted to chime in real quick.

In regards to The Phone Call, I'm happy to say that they are not alike. Dena mentioned it to me so I had to see it to make sure this wouldn't be like that one at all. It's not free, legally, online. I ended up buying it at Amazon for 1.99. I was happy to see that they are two completely different films. The Phone Call is 22 minutes long and we pretty much only see a woman on the phone during the whole film. It's about a lonely man that have just taken a lot of pills, but we never see him. Only hear his voice. He calls a suicide helpline. He just wants someone to talk to while he waits to die. Doesn't want to die alone. Our script is about two lonely people who spill their guts to each other and thus become friends.

On the second part of it being a talking head piece and not visual enough, I will have to disagree with both of you, Arundel and LC. As a filmmaker/director, I will absolutely agree that I have no idea what I'm doing, but my gut instincts tells me that in a case like this, the visuals are the characters. How they are going through the emotions. It would be rude to their performance IMHO, to cut away to flashes of stuff we don't need to see to get. I can understand though when looking at the script that it looks like a LOT of dialogue, but sometimes that's what a script calls for. Well, IMO at least.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 70
Pale Yellow
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2062
Posts Per Day
10.18
Libby...I watch then every year on the big screen.  I know you can buy then for cheap on Amazon.  I love watching them on the big screen.  Every year I go to both the live action and animated Oscar shorts.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 70
eldave1
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66

Quoted Text
Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).:

Call Back
Duty Call
Call Up
Call on Me
Cold Call.


I like these. Maybe would add:

Tell A Marketer


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 9 - 70
Zack
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3248
Posts Per Day
0.62
Ooh, a new Pia short! Let's take a peek...

Writing-wise, there are some issues. A few typos and some overwritten passages here and there. Some of your asides work, some do not. The dual dialog at the bottom of page 3 is very clunky. I also think you need to insert some mini-slugs so we know where we are in the house. I'm also not a fan of the title.

Of course none of that matters, considering you are filming this yourself.

It's actually a pretty good little story. Sad, but very real. It's amazing what people can bond over. Good characters and believable dialog.

Looking forward to seeing the finished product.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  July 23rd, 2019, 7:31pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from Arundel
Hi, this is a good premise for a short. Just a few things: The title is "Robocaller" and Jim refers to himself as a robocaller, yet he is an actual live person. A robo call is a computerized voice or a recording. Jim is more of a telemarketer or salesman.

Hey, thanks for the read. Much appreciated.

Robocall is actually the act of using software that dials automatically for you. It can be used by companies using a recording, or a live person on the other end. There are even schemes to sell these softwares to gullible people that pay money upfront thinking they will make money from home. But, the general consensus here seems to be that it implies only recordings or automated calls. I will change the title, so there are no more misunderstandings.


Quoted from Arundel
Your slug line says JIM'S APARTMENT instead of JIM'S OFFICE.
I see your point. I'll probably change it, but in this case, I know exactly what room we're using and what it will look like, so...


Quoted from Arundel
When Vernon is telling Jim about his memories of Brlsen, it goes on for a long time, like a monologue. Nothing happens to break it up. This is good for a theater piece, but needs some "action" for the screen. Their conversations could be over the course of a couple days. Jim calls Vernon back to talk to him more. He has to sneak in the call so his boss doesn't catch him not sticking to the sales calls.
I disagree. I explained why in my last post. I normally would agree, but since this is drama, I think it's fitting.



Quoted from Pale Yellow
I was thinking that the auto call at the beginning and the woman telemarketer could be replaced with two other calls from Jim... and make this about Jim and Vernon. That way the IRONY would be that he is aggravated and JUST hung up on the VERY person he needs to connect with... they are perfect for each other and I think what ElDave suggested is what I was thinking about these calls. That first call from Jim ... would be so KEY if you change it because Vernon would hang up on him cutting off the guy on the line that he could help by listening..and vice versa... both guys have something painful in their history ...

I love this story. It is similar to one that made it to Oscar shorts in 2015 called The Phone Call.. I think this one is sweeter though and one we can all relate to.

Also ... the title could be something different .. more drama... dunno why but Robo makes it sound a little sci-fi or something... maybe Time Share or Time Shared since Jim is selling time share.. but what they need is time shared to talk about their painful past thus helping them both deal with it.

Really really great story Pia. I'm excited about filming this one. I think the cast is perfect as well for this.

I agree with you about everything.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 70
Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1946
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey Pia,

Enjoyed the story. Here are my thoughts:

Pg. 2. Remove him glancing at phone. Normal people hang up and thatÔŅĹs it.

Pg. 5 when Jim tries his opening pitch, have Vernon interrupt him mid way or sooner. Vernon should be more interruptive.

Pg.5 too soon for Jim to lose his cool. Maybe show something in his office that shows his urgency like a quota notice?

Pg. 6 Jim needs a bit incentive to stay on the line.

Pg. 8 regarding JimÔŅĹs monologue about war, Is it possible to get some sound effects in the background that reflects what heÔŅĹs describing like explosions, etc? I think it could make it more emotional.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted on the shorts development.

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 23rd, 2019, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from LC
Opening visual of photos. I think you need a photo of his (obviously deceased wife) in the mix too.

Duh!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, of course!


Quoted from LC
I personally would have Vernon be completely invisible to the next door neighbour and react to that. Plenty of people of a certain age complain people no longer even see them.
I agree, except that I feel the half wave dismissal thing is worse than just ignoring. It says, stay away too.

Thanks for the typo stuff.  


Quoted from LC
I'd ditch the Robocall preamble altogether and launch into the main story and focus on Jim & Vernon only. Perhaps Vernon hangs up but Jim persists Ė quotas, and all that - he has to mark Vernon's call as called and answered. Finally Vernon answers and goes into his line of personal questions to Jim. This cuts to the chase imho. Preamble could focus on Vernon alone with only the photos and the silence so when the phone rings it cuts through that silence Ė additionally Vernon looking at the phone, it never ringing, him picking it up to call his son, changing his mind, checking for dial tone etc., can serve even more powerfully than spelling it out for the audience that his son forgot his birthday etc. I donít think you need that heavy a hand.
I think we're just going to have to disagree there.



Quoted from LC
Jim is going 100mph. Vernon cruises at 30mph[/i] Lovely line.
Love the opening dialogue between them that follows too. A human voice. I love that Vernon continues with his own personal line of questioning cutting through Jim's spiel.



Quoted from LC
Typo: Hannibal Lechter (Lecter) unless that was deliberate.??
My favorite movie and I misspell my favorite villain?????  


Quoted from LC
What makes you so
desperate to talk to someone, you
have to resort to talking to a
robocaller?


Maybe he should call himselfall a telestalketer, telebotherer, telepanhandler or talkin donkey, in true
self-deprecating manner?

I donít have anyone that wants to
talk to me. Iím eighty-two. Not
gone yet. Iím still here. But,
somehow everyone seem to already
have forgot about me. Like I donít exist.


Bit much that imho.
I'd just go for: I'm eighty-two years old now.
Seems I'm invisible to the rest of the world. Or, people no longer see me.

Jim's line: No one really wants to talk to me
either. I donít know why
. (I'd delete that latter, cause unfortunately he does know why). He's a scared man and no one wants to look into the eyes of a grown man whoís scared. It scares them.
I agree. Will have to do a little thinking though. Loved Dave's title idea.



Quoted from LC
Why is this: providing armed support. highlighted on my download?
Because I am not sure what those people are officially called. I googled, but couldn't find anything. I was hoping someone would know so it can sound realistic.


Quoted from LC
I canít help thinking you could do with condensing a lot of Jim's talk with some quick-flash images of Afghanistan Ė the IED explosion, Jim screaming, cradling his (torn to shreds) mate etc. Likewise some quick images with Vernonís story, interspersed with the story or V.O.
I disagree. See previous post.  



Quoted from LC
This:
VERNON
Turns out they werenít really
looking to adopt out of love. They
mostly just needed a farmhand. I
had a tiny room in their attic on
their farm in Wisconsin. It was
very hard work, but I had a warm
bed to sleep in, plenty of food and
no one ever laid a hand on me.


That above: Goes a step too far for me too and could ironically dilute all thatís gone on before. I think he could be more modest in the final telling. I'd finish his story here:

VERNON
I spent two years in England, then
someone knew somebody who knew a
family in America who wanted to
adopt, and they sent me off.


I did alright.  Warm bed, plenty of food.
And then add something like... Then... I met the love of my life. Had my own family.
I don't know. A bit too nice for me. Vernon says he was happy he had a warm bed after we had heard him say he was the coldest he's ever been. He says he had plenty of food after he had just said people were starving to death, then he says no one laid a hand on him after he had been sadistically sexually abused my the kapo.



Quoted from LC
Alt titles if not going with the Robocaller (which btw is a catchy title just doesn't fit this story predominantly imh).:

Call Back
Duty Call
Call Up
Call on Me
Cold Call.
...

Hope some of this helps. Great story, could be a bit more visual, not just audible imho, cause I kept supplying the images in my head. That's obviously down to the great writing but I think if I'm watching this I'll want to see more of those images actually on screen.

You provide amazing feedback, Libby! Would you believ if I told you, Jeff used to be just like that?

LOVED all your title suggestions and I would've used one of them until Big Dave stepped in and suggested Tell A Marketer!

As always, thank you so much. I'm here if you ever need help with anything.  



Quoted from eldave1


I like these. Maybe would add:

Tell A Marketer

Yep!!!! That's the one. Thanks!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 70
Pale Yellow
Posted: July 24th, 2019, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2062
Posts Per Day
10.18
Love the title someone suggested LC??

Call on Me ... .it's got the Stand By Me vibe..
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 70
LC
Posted: July 24th, 2019, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
Thanks, Dena. I'm rather partial to that title too.
(Thanks too Dena for the info on where to locate the other Oscar Short.)
Tell A Marketer is good title too but I wonder if it is more suited to a Comedy or one-sided confessional.
...
Pia and Dena, I'm looking forward to the finished product. Glad some of my comments were helpful, Pia.
Good luck with the shoot gals!



Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 24th, 2019, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Sorry for being so tardy here. I was feeling under the weather since yesterday and ended up going to one of those immediate care centers. I'll be back tomorrow like new!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 70
Zack
Posted: July 24th, 2019, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3248
Posts Per Day
0.62
Hope you feel better, Pia.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 26th, 2019, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Tried to do this yesterday, but I guess the site was down for a while. Which btw reminds me I need to ask because I don't get it and I have googled it. What is the difference between awhile and a while?


Quoted from Zack

Writing-wise, there are some issues. A few typos and some overwritten passages here and there. Some of your asides work, some do not. The dual dialog at the bottom of page 3 is very clunky. I also think you need to insert some mini-slugs so we know where we are in the house. I'm also not a fan of the title.

Overwritten and asides that don't work!!!!!!!!!    This how I write. This is me. No one has complained to me about that before! You're the first!!!  :p  It is a first draft, so thanks for pointing out the typos.

Mini slugs are not needed since the house has an open floor plan and the kitchen and living room are in the same space.

Title will be changed. Look for a poll coming up.


Quoted from Zack
Of course none of that matters, considering you are filming this yourself.
And that's the beauty of shooting things yourself. You start looking at scripts from a filmmakers POV and you quickly realize what crap doesn't matter and what does.  


Quoted from Zack
It's actually a pretty good little story. Sad, but very real. It's amazing what people can bond over. Good characters and believable dialog.

Looking forward to seeing the finished product.

Thanks! So far, all people involved have said they loved the story and think it's very powerful, so I think we're off to a good start.

Thanks for reading, Zack.  


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Enjoyed the story. Here are my thoughts:

Pg. 2. Remove him glancing at phone. Normal people hang up and thatÔŅĹs it.

Normal people yes, but this is a film. In my mind, he's looking at the phone wishing his son will call.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Pg. 5 when Jim tries his opening pitch, have Vernon interrupt him mid way or sooner. Vernon should be more interruptive.
Why? He's already had two robocalls. They irritate him, but by the time Jim calls, he decides to strike up a conversation just for the sake of having a real human to talk to. He decides to engage in the conversation. He is sort of interrupting by talking about completely different things than Jim is.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Pg.5 too soon for Jim to lose his cool. Maybe show something in his office that shows his urgency like a quota notice?
Good idea.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Pg. 6 Jim needs a bit incentive to stay on the line.
Agree.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Pg. 8 regarding JimÔŅĹs monologue about war, Is it possible to get some sound effects in the background that reflects what heÔŅĹs describing like explosions, etc? I think it could make it more emotional.

I mentioned this earlier too. IMHO, in a drama like this, it's the actors' expressions that are the visuals. It would be rude and disrespectful to their performance to cut away to some flashes that we don't really need when they are in the middle of pouring their guts out. Just my opinion, but I feel strongly about that.  


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hope this helps. Keep us posted on the shorts development.

Gabe
Always appreciate your read! Thank you!  


Quoted from Zack
Hope you feel better, Pia.

Back to feeling great. No more amorous activities in the pool for me.  

Thanks again everyone! I think I have a pretty good idea of where this needs to go no. Planning to do the re-write this weekend.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 70
LC
Posted: July 26th, 2019, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Tried to do this yesterday, but I guess the site was down for a while. Which btw reminds me I need to ask because I don't get it and I have googled it. What is the difference between awhile and a while?


My first go-to on these things is Grammar Girl:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/while-versus-awhile

The site was down a while this morning too, for me at least. Spoiling my morning brekky ritual. Oh well, I have my fix now.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 70
Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 26th, 2019, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1946
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey Pia

Good point regarding my comment about Jim being more interruptive. Completely forgot about the two previous robocallers.

Regarding the monologue, Im in agreement with you about not taking the spotlight off of Jim. What I envisioned was seeing Jimís facial expression as heís telling the story. But that thereís low sound effects in the background at specific points like a wailing or explosion to give it more impact. Just wanted to clarify the picture in my head. Iím notorious in causing confusion.

Anyway you go, keep us posted and canít wait to see the film. Youíre starting to create a interesting portfolio.  

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 27th, 2019, 9:48am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Pia

Good point regarding my comment about Jim being more interruptive. Completely forgot about the two previous robocallers.

Regarding the monologue, Im in agreement with you about not taking the spotlight off of Jim. What I envisioned was seeing Jimís facial expression as heís telling the story. But that thereís low sound effects in the background at specific points like a wailing or explosion to give it more impact. Just wanted to clarify the picture in my head. Iím notorious in causing confusion.

Anyway you go, keep us posted and canít wait to see the film. Youíre starting to create a interesting portfolio.  

Gabe


I appreciate all your input, Gabe. I think as far as seeing a script differently, that's what's so cool. It's kind of like having multiple paralell universes. The same story, but it looks different and plays different in each one. In my vision, Jim and Vernon both tell their story in complete silence around them. I've got plenty of feedback, email too, where people suggested similar stuff as you with flashbacks and such. That could work really well in their vision and that's the beautiful thing about art, we all interpret it differently.  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 70
Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 27th, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1946
Posts Per Day
0.37
Understand. Any word on when pre-production is going to start? Iím obsessed with behind the scenes stuff. Lol.
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 27th, 2019, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Understand. Any word on when pre-production is going to start? Iím obsessed with behind the scenes stuff. Lol.


We are shooting Aug 24th, so we already are in pre-pro. We have the location. We have the actors and we have the DP. All we need is for the script to be finished.  

Btw, Dena is the BEST producer!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 1st, 2019, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks for voting on the title. Call On Me is now the new title.

Since this is a collab between two and a half SS members, I will keep updating the progress on this, since some people seem interested.

We now have a final draft thanks again to everyone who chimed in with reviews. As always though, things are always tweaked during the shoot too, but I think you should be able to see your suggestions in the film if you chose to watch it when finished. Hopefully in September.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 70
eldave1
Posted: August 1st, 2019, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66
Looking forward to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 25 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 12:56am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
We shot this film today. I think it went great. Much thanks to Dena the producer who organized everything. Our DP is an artist and impressed everyone. We were in a small space, but he managed to make every shot look interesting and beautiful. The actors were great and itīs such a pleasure to work with actors that come prepared and know their stuff and then delivers!!!

I think we got everything we needed. For those whoīs read the script, we did end up scratching the scene where Vernon sits down and turns the TV on. We were running late and had to speed things up. I honestly donīt think it will be missed. Sometimes, when you see things play out in real time, you just realize that something in the script might not be needed at all or it slows things down way too much.

My biggest takeaway from this shoot was that when you write an older character, in this case someone in there 80s, it will effect your shoot. First of all, you have to find an actor that age that can act. Which we did. Second, you have to be very considerate of them and make sure itīs not too strenuous or that the environment itself isnīt too hard. We had to do an outdoor scene in the middle of the day. This was in Florida. In August at high noon. I was actually getting worried there for awhile. Things like the safety of crew and cast has to come first, so it might affect the shoot in many different ways. Just something to think about when you write a certain character into a situation.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 70
LC
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 1:18am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
Great news, Pia! And great insights. Really looking forward to seeing this.

P.S. Just out of interest, how did you find the lead actor? And, did you do auditions?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 27 - 70
Dustin
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 8:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5234
Posts Per Day
2.00
Good luck with it. I'm looking forward to seeing the DP's shot choices


Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 70
khamanna
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3831
Posts Per Day
0.95
Howís that I never read it? Iíll get to it tonight. And best of luck with the movie!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 70
eldave1
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66
Looking forward to seeing it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 30 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks guys!

Dustin, I think you will be impressed. He takes a long time to set up his shots, but he does an amazing job. A real artist.

Libby, I know I wanted to shoot something in one location with few actors within a budget we could handle. We used the old actor in that 48hr short we did back in May. I liked him and thought he did a good job, so the story really started with him in mind. We did not need to hold auditions. The second actor is well known in Jax. Heīs awesome. We have had him in our films three times now.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 70
Pale Yellow
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2062
Posts Per Day
10.18
I had a great time.

I love Bob. Love his experience. One of my favorite actors in Jax that I scouted looking for while searching for someone who could speak with German accent AND be old enough to live thru Nazi Germany times. Then we used him for 48 Hour project... he is a great actor IMO. So glad we could use him again in this. I think he did outstanding. David our other actor is a very good actor as well.. Hope it comes out as good as I think it will.

Pia did a great job directing. Pia and our DP work very well together in getting the shots. We ran my husband out of my house for the day but .. it happens.

Enjoyed this. Learned a lot. Always do.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 70
LC
Posted: August 25th, 2019, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
No 'extra' work for Hubby this time, eh Dena?
P.S. Thanks for the clarification Pia re your leading man. It's half the battle won when you already have the talent lined up.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 12:12am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49


View post on imgur.com


A couple of stills from the shoot. Looks pretty good so far.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 70
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 14th, 2019, 12:54am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.40
Pia

I see this is already in production so first off, congrats! and secondly, you're probably not looking for any more thoughts on it.

Having said thatÖSee below for unwanted 2 cents

As always, your writing is clean and direct, no issues there. Although, I wondered why you didn't specify the age of the neighbouring woman behind the large sunglasses. Itís a rather vital detail to omit in regards how the scene plays out. Anyway, itís only a minor thing.

This is essentially a two hander that is wall-to-wall exposition as both characters divulge, purely in dialogue, what their situation is. They are wholly portrayed by what they say. bar some set up scenes of Vernon shuffling around his house looking lonely.

I should say that this is not a criticism. On the contrary, I was intrigued by how you would (or not) hold my attention given the un-cinematic limitations of the premise i.e. a phone call. And to your credit, you more than achieved that. The exchanges unfolded in a manner which slowly reeled me in before we find out what is at the root of these two men's troubles. I mean, you went for real top shelf trauma here, concentration camps and war related PTSD! Nothing new there, this stuff has been mined extensively for drama but the characters' descriptions of their ordeals were particularly vivid. I literally flinched as Jim relayed his harrowing experience, rough stuff. Which is saying something given how desensitized/jaded we all are.

Their agreement to meet the following day, while sweet on the page, will be difficult to pull off on screen I think. Itís a bit too schmaltzy, at least for my tastes anyway. A little too neat and cheerful given what we've heard. By all means end on a hopeful note but perhaps rein it in a little. A streak of bittersweet as Vernon returns to the silence of his house post phone call may temper it a bit, in a realistic way I think. I mean, yes he has established a rare connection but itís really just a rest byte from those stretching, silent hours that make up his days.

Even the toll of having verbalised his horrific past (which I'm sure he has done before but probably not for a while) could be acknowledged. That sadness/shadow/burden presumably never leaves you no matter how far it is in your rear-view mirror. Having just reiterated it could bring forth those wounds afresh. This could be registered on his expression, his body language, as he takes stock of his conversation with Jim, his life, and what it has become.

Instead, we get an unabashed upbeat and defiant Vernon, seemingly cured of his isolation so that he feels a compelled to leave a somewhat snide and petulant message for his son. I get it, itís a crowd pleasing F-you to those who have cast him aside. However, it just feels like too much of a swing.

Also, I was made to wonder why Vernon is so estranged from his family. The impression you give his that he is deemed old and useless and forgotten by the world, including those he raised and yeah, this is a sad reality for the elderly but having heard his story, I can't help thinking Vernon must have major emotional baggage and unresolved issues which he may have inflicted upon his own family. Maybe he wasn't a very nice dad, who knows. Iím just speculating here, always reaching for the darkness

Anyway, solid work. I hope it turns out well.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: November 15th, 2019, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thank you so much for reading!!!  


Quoted from Colkurtz8

I see this is already in production so first off, congrats! and secondly, you're probably not looking for any more thoughts on it.

Having said thatÖSee below for unwanted 2 cents

As always, your writing is clean and direct, no issues there. Although, I wondered why you didn't specify the age of the neighbouring woman behind the large sunglasses. Itís a rather vital detail to omit in regards how the scene plays out. Anyway, itís only a minor thing.


Thanks for those comments too! As far as the age of the neighbor woman goes, we knew who the actress was going to be, but did not know her age and didn't want to ask, so we took the safe route. Dena thought I could just as well have done that part, but I wanted a bigger age difference. I figured an older neighbor would be less likely to so easily dismiss Vernon.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
This is essentially a two hander that is wall-to-wall exposition as both characters divulge, purely in dialogue, what their situation is. They are wholly portrayed by what they say. bar some set up scenes of Vernon shuffling around his house looking lonely.

I should say that this is not a criticism. On the contrary, I was intrigued by how you would (or not) hold my attention given the un-cinematic limitations of the premise i.e. a phone call. And to your credit, you more than achieved that. The exchanges unfolded in a manner which slowly reeled me in before we find out what is at the root of these two men's troubles. I mean, you went for real top shelf trauma here, concentration camps and war related PTSD! Nothing new there, this stuff has been mined extensively for drama but the characters' descriptions of their ordeals were particularly vivid. I literally flinched as Jim relayed his harrowing experience, rough stuff. Which is saying something given how desensitized/jaded we all are.


I have probably mentioned this somewhere else, but the idea for this came about at work when my hubby and I were getting cranky over all the robocalls we were getting. Then we mused at the idea of keeping talking to them. Refusing to hang up until they did. That's where the main idea came from. I knew I needed something more to connect the caller and the answering person with and Dena mention she really wanted to use this 82 year old actor we worked with earlier in the year. Then we needed a location and I immediately volunteered Dena's house, lol. This had to be ultra low budget, so that's how it went from idea to story and ultimately specifics of actors and the location.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Their agreement to meet the following day, while sweet on the page, will be difficult to pull off on screen I think. Itís a bit too schmaltzy, at least for my tastes anyway. A little too neat and cheerful given what we've heard. By all means end on a hopeful note but perhaps rein it in a little. A streak of bittersweet as Vernon returns to the silence of his house post phone call may temper it a bit, in a realistic way I think. I mean, yes he has established a rare connection but itís really just a rest byte from those stretching, silent hours that make up his days.

Even the toll of having verbalised his horrific past (which I'm sure he has done before but probably not for a while) could be acknowledged. That sadness/shadow/burden presumably never leaves you no matter how far it is in your rear-view mirror. Having just reiterated it could bring forth those wounds afresh. This could be registered on his expression, his body language, as he takes stock of his conversation with Jim, his life, and what it has become.

Instead, we get an unabashed upbeat and defiant Vernon, seemingly cured of his isolation so that he feels a compelled to leave a somewhat snide and petulant message for his son. I get it, itís a crowd pleasing F-you to those who have cast him aside. However, it just feels like too much of a swing.


I hear you and would agree. My intention at the end there was to Make Vernon excited to meet with someone and his call to his son was not at all intended as an Fu. He was just excited to tell him he has something to do tomorrow. We'll see how that actually turned out on film. I'm supposed to go look at a first cut later today. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hit the mark. Making films and making them turnout just like you pictured it in your head, is a lot easier said than done.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Also, I was made to wonder why Vernon is so estranged from his family. The impression you give his that he is deemed old and useless and forgotten by the world, including those he raised and yeah, this is a sad reality for the elderly but having heard his story, I can't help thinking Vernon must have major emotional baggage and unresolved issues which he may have inflicted upon his own family. Maybe he wasn't a very nice dad, who knows. Iím just speculating here, always reaching for the darkness

Anyway, solid work. I hope it turns out well.

Col.


My thinking about Vernon's isolation was that his wife has passed, so he's alone that way. His son doesn't spend enough time with him because he has a new younger wife and she couldn't care less about him. This was all going to be displayed via photos, but the pics we were given were not right for that explanation. This was the night before the shoot. We could've re-written it to explain better, but when you're working with an older actor like that, there are a lot of things to take into consideration that you normally don't have to on a shoot.

Thank you again so much for reading and commenting. If you want a return read, just hit me up. Might be a little while, I'm currently reading Kevin's "leitskev" novel!!! Now that's something to be impressed by.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 36 - 70
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 17th, 2019, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1749
Posts Per Day
0.40
Pia


Quoted from Grandma Bear
As far as the age of the neighbor woman goes, we knew who the actress was going to be, but did not know her age and didn't want to ask, so we took the safe route. Dena thought I could just as well have done that part, but I wanted a bigger age difference. I figured an older neighbor would be less likely to so easily dismiss Vernon.


Haha, actors and their egos. Could you have narrowed down her age to a decade at least and crossed your fingers? Anyway, yeah, I figured she was younger given her rude reaction to Vernon. An amusing behind-the-scenes tidbit nonetheless.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I have probably mentioned this somewhere else, but the idea for this came about at work when my hubby and I were getting cranky over all the robocalls we were getting. Then we mused at the idea of keeping talking to them. Refusing to hang up until they did. That's where the main idea came from. I knew I needed something more to connect the caller and the answering person with and Dena mention she really wanted to use this 82 year old actor we worked with earlier in the year. Then we needed a location and I immediately volunteered Dena's house, lol. This had to be ultra low budget, so that's how it went from idea to story and ultimately specifics of actors and the location.


Yeah, conceptually it works, mainly due to the strong dialogue.

I love the term robocaller as well. I'd never heard of that before. Thankfully, I don't have a landline and frequently change my country of residence so I don't have to deal with them


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I hear you and would agree. My intention at the end there was to Make Vernon excited to meet with someone and his call to his son was not at all intended as an Fu. He was just excited to tell him he has something to do tomorrow. We'll see how that actually turned out on film. I'm supposed to go look at a first cut later today. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hit the mark. Making films and making them turnout just like you pictured it in your head, is a lot easier said than done.


Yep. True, it will depend on how its delivered on screen. Just on the page, it felt a little "So there "


Quoted from Grandma Bear
My thinking about Vernon's isolation was that his wife has passed, so he's alone that way. His son doesn't spend enough time with him because he has a new younger wife and she couldn't care less about him. This was all going to be displayed via photos, but the pics we were given were not right for that explanation. This was the night before the shoot. We could've re-written it to explain better, but when you're working with an older actor like that, there are a lot of things to take into consideration that you normally don't have to on a shoot.


I see. I don't think it really needs to be explicitly mentioned though. I think we can glean enough from his age, environment and demeanour. No harm in letting the audience speculate and make certain assumptions.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
If you want a return read, just hit me up. Might be a little while, I'm currently reading Kevin's "leitskev" novel!!! Now that's something to be impressed by.  


No worries, I'm not looking for a return read at the moment. Thanks for the offer. That's cool about Kevin. I've read a lot of his screenplay work, very talented writer. Great to hear he's complete a novel, impressive indeed.

Col.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 6th, 2019, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
So, I've seen a rough cut of the film. Some of you who read the script had some concerns over the ending especially. My intention with the ending was for Vernon to call his son because he's excited to finally have someone to talk to and meet and not meant as a FU to his son. Well, none of the cuts we got manages to deliver that sense of excitement and does in fact come off as a FU to the son. A retake is not possible, but I've been mulling over what would be the best way to fix this. Possibly just having the line delivered while credits are rolling or maybe while a car is driving away. Any thoughts?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 38 - 70
LC
Posted: December 6th, 2019, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
I'm still half asleep so...

Pia, two suggestions: is the FU altogether a wrong thing?
If it is and the tone is all wrong and really spoiling what you intended, and bearing in mind a reshoot is not possible, would your actor be amenable to doing a more upbeat voice over which could run over the end credits instead?

Hmm, seems to be kinda what you've suggested yourself there but how is the tone of the line delivered at the moment? Well, that's obvious cause you said, so is there a way to change the tone with another voice over final line and maybe change the definitive passive agressive 'bye' to 'talk later' or just omit the 'bye''?  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  December 6th, 2019, 8:10pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 70
Zack
Posted: December 6th, 2019, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3248
Posts Per Day
0.62
I'm with Libby in wondering if the FU is really a bad thing?
Logged
Private Message Reply: 40 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 6th, 2019, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
I don't like the FU thing. It's the wrong tone. I wanted this to end on a positive note, not a nasty one.

There are other issues as well. I watched the first rough cut. It was 20 minutes!!! I need this to be more like 10 or at least 15 minutes max. I guess a chainsaw is what we need???

I'm telling you guys, if you don't think filmmakers are turning your scripts into gold, just try making a short film on your own. It's freaking hard!  

I'm not sure what we'll do with the ending. I'm still open for any brilliant ideas.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 41 - 70
LC
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 1:16am Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
What do you think about a new voice over at the end?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 42 - 70
eldave1
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66

Quoted from Grandma Bear
I don't like the FU thing. It's the wrong tone. I wanted this to end on a positive note, not a nasty one.

There are other issues as well. I watched the first rough cut. It was 20 minutes!!! I need this to be more like 10 or at least 15 minutes max. I guess a chainsaw is what we need???

I'm telling you guys, if you don't think filmmakers are turning your scripts into gold, just try making a short film on your own. It's freaking hard!  

I'm not sure what we'll do with the ending. I'm still open for any brilliant ideas.


Maybe have some dialogue at the end over black by cutting and pasting to separate dialogue blocks. For example, at the end after the fu dialogue, over black we here a phone being dialed or punched, then the first line of the last call, hi it's me. Cut it there. And then insert a line of dialogue from a previous spot in the film, for example, I'm doing okay. In other words you can create a softer phone call over black at the end by cutting and pasting two unrelated dialog blocks from Vernon earlier in the script. Hope that makes sense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 43 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from LC
What do you think about a new voice over at the end?

Can't do that. The man playing Vernon lives like three or four hours away.



Quoted from eldave1


Maybe have some dialogue at the end over black by cutting and pasting to separate dialogue blocks. For example, at the end after the fu dialogue, over black we here a phone being dialed or punched, then the first line of the last call, hi it's me. Cut it there. And then insert a line of dialogue from a previous spot in the film, for example, I'm doing okay. In other words you can create a softer phone call over black at the end by cutting and pasting two unrelated dialog blocks from Vernon earlier in the script. Hope that makes sense

That's a great idea. I need to go over all his dialogue and see what can be used.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 44 - 70
eldave1
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66

Quoted from Grandma Bear

Can't do that. The man playing Vernon lives like three or four hours away.



That's a great idea. I need to go over all his dialogue and see what can be used.  


Coil. Hope it works


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 45 - 70
LC
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
Great idea, Dave. Fingers crossed it works for you, Pia.

I'm really looking forward to seeing this.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 7th, 2019, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks Libby! Having seen the rough cut, I think it's one of my better films that I have produced/directed, but as always there are glaring things that I wish I could've done better. This ain't easy! If you have your scripts produced, give the filmmakers a break when you watch the final film.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 47 - 70
khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3831
Posts Per Day
0.95
Just read it, canít believe itís the first time I see this script. I really like it and thinking that Daveís idea is pretty good. Hope it turns out something you like.
And yes, itís so hard to shoot and make it alive. I tried both my own scripts and few others. It might be a great script but something is always off seemingly when you start shooting it.
I wanted to suggest cutting some of the dialogue but thinking you should keep it all. The details of their hardships is the essence of this movie so I really hope youíll find the way to keep it all.
And the ending is pretty powerful. I happen to have a few depressed people in my life now and it just rang a bell for me. Thatís very close to life. Very nice.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 48 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: December 9th, 2019, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks Khamanna for checking it out.

I do remember seeing one of your shorts you made once, but it's been a long time. I think you were in Texas at the time.

It is indeed very hard. I'm going to try to do my part, meaning going over it a hundred times and then discuss with editor before vacation. Dena has some festivals she'd like to see us enter with deadlines in January, so we'll see if we can make it.  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 11:17am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Just bumping this because I know it will be buried once the OWC scripts are up, but the film is just about finished!!!!! I think quite a few of you that might watch will recognize some of the changes that made it into the film that are all thanks to your input.  

Interesting thing is that the script is 13 pages and dialogue heavy. As we all know, dialogue usually moves along quicker on film than action heavy scripts. I thought this one would play out at around 12 minutes. I was way wrong! It's 19 freaking minutes long! I've seen it maybe 15 times by now and I don't think it drags, but I could be biased... I wish it was shorter, because hardly no one watches a short that long. If you end up watching it, I'll love you forever.  

Anyway, keep an eye out. It should be posted any day.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 70
Zack
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3248
Posts Per Day
0.62
Awesome news, Pia! Can't wait to see the finished product.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 70
eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2020, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66
Look forward to seeing it!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 52 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
So, this took a lot longer to finish than I thought, but here it is.  

It's also a lot longer than I would've predicted. The script was 13.5 pages and the film five minutes longer. It will be tough getting viewers, lol. I know the sweet spot is 5 mins or less.

I think this is probably Dena's and my best effort yet.

Thank you everyone who read and commented. Some of you will see changes made thanks to your input.  



Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 70
Burcu
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Istanbul-Turkey
Posts
35
Posts Per Day
0.09
Woooow it is wonderfull. Chose of the actors are terrific. Congratulations!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 54 - 70
Dustin
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5234
Posts Per Day
2.00
Well done, Pia... and Dena.

Do you have plans for festivals with this one? If so, what tier of festival are you going to aim for? Any prestigious ones?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 70
eldave1
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
2.66
Nice! Enjoyed it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 56 - 70
AndyJ
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.30
I really enjoyed that and got me a bit emotional, well done.

I was thinking how good it would be with a bigger budget and shoot the traumatic scenes they spoke about with V.O.




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 57 - 70
khamanna
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3831
Posts Per Day
0.95
This is really good!! Big congrats Pia and Dena. Iím really glad I watched it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 58 - 70
LC
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4672
Posts Per Day
1.07
Best thing you and Dena have done so far! Congrats. You must be pretty darned thrilled.

Pia, how did you end up doing the final call to the son? It was a point of contention post filming I recall.
However you did it you got the tone exactly right.

P.S. I noticed the other day Dena has ducked out of SS. I hope that's temporary...







Logged
Private Message Reply: 59 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 12th, 2020, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49

Quoted from Burcu
Woooow it is wonderfull. Chose of the actors are terrific. Congratulations!

Thank you!

The older actor is a treat. It's very hard to find someone of that age that can act. David, who played Jim is a well known actor in Jax. He's a SAG actor. We have used him three times now. What I love about him is that we can call and discuss the role and then he just shows up and does his thing. A true professional.




Quoted from Dustin
Well done, Pia... and Dena.

Do you have plans for festivals with this one? If so, what tier of festival are you going to aim for? Any prestigious ones?


Thanks Dustin!

I know nothing about festivals, so if you have any tips, feel free to share.

We wanted to wait and see what the reaction to the film was before we did anything. The feedback seems to be mostly great, so we're ready to try anything.  



Quoted from eldave1
Nice! Enjoyed it.


Thanks Dave!  



Quoted from AndyJ
I really enjoyed that and got me a bit emotional, well done.

I was thinking how good it would be with a bigger budget and shoot the traumatic scenes they spoke about with V.O.


Aww. Our budget, unfortunately was only ten times bigger then we paid for lunch.  



Quoted from khamanna
This is really good!! Big congrats Pia and Dena. Iím really glad I watched it.


Thank you so much for watching.  



Quoted from LC
Best thing you and Dena have done so far! Congrats. You must be pretty darned thrilled.

Pia, how did you end up doing the final call to the son? It was a point of contention post filming I recall.
However you did it you got the tone exactly right.

P.S. I noticed the other day Dena has ducked out of SS. I hope that's temporary...


Thank you Libby! Yes we are. As with any script or film, you just have no idea how it will be received, but so far it's been amazingly positive.

I think it was Dave who suggested to use some dialogue from earlier and put it over the end. It's the same clip as earlier, but with just the audio and no visuals, it comes off much better and much less of a FU thing.

Dena deleted her account? I didn't know. Got to ask her about that.

Thank you all! I feel pretty good right now.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 60 - 70
jwent6688
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 11:34am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1736
Posts Per Day
0.40
Pia, this is a very high quality film you two have put out. Iím not sure who you hired or how much they cost, but they were worth it. Sound, lighting and camera work is all top notch.

Your cast was also excellent.

I would definitely enter this into some film festivals. Maybe pull it down or make it private when you do. They donít like if your film is available online. Throw it in a couple prestigious ones for fun, but also do local festivals. Youíll have a better chance of being selected plus youíll be able to travel to them and watch your film in a crowd. And you might even win something. And hence forth be titled ďan award winning film maker. ď

Very nice work by everyone involved.

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 61 - 70
AndyJ
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.30
Angry Bear can I ask how much this cost to make, well of course I can ask, I just did. Would you be willing to share though?

Oh and I agree that you should start submitting it to some festivals, I reckon it would do pretty well.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 62 - 70
Warren
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2885
Posts Per Day
1.83
Watched this the other day. It looks and sounds fantastic, a very professional looking film for sure. You should be very proud.

I personally found it a bit long at over 18 minutes for what is essentially a phone conversation, but I do commend the actors on their ability to portray emotion when they don't really have anyone to bounce off, I think that part of it was particularly strong.

Agree with Libby that this is your best yet.

Good job on this one.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

All Things Shaka
Logged
Private Message Reply: 63 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 13th, 2020, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
James, Andy, Warren, thank you all so much for watching and commenting. I knew it would be tough to get people to watch due to the length, but also the genre. So far, we have received overwhelming positive feedback. We even had two festivals contact us and ask if we want to submit the film. Sure, they were small fests, but still. It's a first for us.

As far as cost of the film goes, I would say maybe $2200. The actors were willing to do it for free, but as a writer who's always expected to give away scripts for free, I always insist on paying people. David, who plays Jim lives near Jax, but is a SAG actor, so it was a treat for us to have him onboard. Bob, who played Vernon was also a treat. Hard to find actors that age that can act. We paid the DP and his crew, but it was not bad because it was a short shoot. Only like 9 hours or maybe even less. The editor is a friend and did it in his spare time, hence the time to finish... But, we paid him too.

And yes, it is waaaaay too looong and trust me, I'm the first person to skip any short film just because it's a drama and no way would I ever watch one that is 18 minutes long. I went over it a hundred times or so and just couldn't see where we could cut any substantial part without altering the story, so...

Thanks again guys.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 64 - 70
AndyJ
Posted: February 14th, 2020, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
98
Posts Per Day
0.30
It might be a bit long for some festivals but it didn't really feel that long because I got into it. If it was boring then it might have felt a lot longer.

You can't please everyone. You've done a good job so should be proud of yourselves.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 65 - 70
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2020, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3242
Posts Per Day
1.29
Great job, the production looks fantastic and the actors are great.

As others have said, I'd take this down and submit to a festival or three.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 66 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 15th, 2020, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks Andy and Tony.

A completely new thing for me having people contact me about it and others asking if they can please share. We will definitely try some festivals, but it seems like it's a jungle out there and we are just two babes in the woods, lol.

Thanks again!  


Btw, ZombieSean, Sean Elwood here at SS made the poster.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 67 - 70
StevenClark
Posted: March 1st, 2020, 12:48am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2277
Posts Per Day
0.82
Hey Pia & Dena,

Congrats on getting this made. It really is very well made and thought out. I enjoyed it a lot -  I do enjoy good drama.

The only thing I would have toned down was the talk about his war buddy. Not that I mind graphic, and I understand why you used it, but it just seemed like overkill. I think that particular actor, the telemarketer, did a good enough job that I was able to feel the emotion regardless of how graphic her got.

But weíll done all around. Mucho congrats! Definitely wanna see more from you guys.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 68 - 70
Grandma Bear
Posted: March 3rd, 2020, 12:43am Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6832
Posts Per Day
1.49
Thanks Steve!

I hear you about about the graphic stuff. I did do a bit of research on this one and that part was actually pretty close to one soldier's experience from Iraq, I think. It really hit me and I decided to use it. It brought home the reality about how ugly war really is.

David McMahon, that played Jim is a SAG actor. He lives in St. Augustine and frequently works in JAX. He's a treasure to the local film community. He gets flown around all over the country for mostly roles in horror films.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 69 - 70
StevenClark
Posted: March 3rd, 2020, 11:18am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2277
Posts Per Day
0.82

Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thanks Steve!

I hear you about about the graphic stuff. I did do a bit of research on this one and that part was actually pretty close to one soldier's experience from Iraq, I think. It really hit me and I decided to use it. It brought home the reality about how ugly war really is.

David McMahon, that played Jim is a SAG actor. He lives in St. Augustine and frequently works in JAX. He's a treasure to the local film community. He gets flown around all over the country for mostly roles in horror films.



Yeah, that guy was really good. But, personally, I really did like the whole premise of this story as I dig the drama genre, which is a bit of a different thing for you.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 70 - 70
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006