A Hollow Victory by Steven Dilworth (steven8 ) writing as Miner Quake - Short, Drama, Fantasy - When a metal detectorist with an unusual worldview suffers a major trauma after uncovering a horde of gold coins, he finds his beliefs vindicated, but his moral obligations challenged. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It was a good story, which hooked me to the end.  The story had a good message and the plot was easy to follow.

Consider telling us more about the governor's voice. It can make the story better.

Michael

Your story hit the mark but, for me, it was a tad bit overwritten. Consider trimming some of the fat and getting right to the point. I almost started skimming but stopped myself.

So, did the space junk have anything to do with his voices or were they real or...? At least Mom knows where to go back and get the coins!

Good luck, writer!

A decent effort that ticks all the parameters of the challenge - it just needs work in my opinion. You spend most of the story covering the accident, which isn't actually of much interest, and very little on the mystery. Who is the Governor and these people who live underground and leave gold coins lying around? We have no idea as you only spend about a couple of pages on it and reveal nothing substantial.  

A couple of aspects don't add up for me. How does the Doctor come to the conclusion Owen was hit by a piece of a space satellite? Is he an expert in satellites or has NASA nipped by and analysed it?

The other part which felt odd was the nurse injecting the mother and knocking her out when she's not even a patient! I bet that hospital would really enjoy that lawsuit!

If you do know who the underground dwellers are and what they are all about, I would suggest you have a go at writing that script and cover the whole accident aspect as quickly as possible.

I hope my ramblings help.

-Mark

Too many nurses, that's my only complaint. A strange one, but one doctor and one nurse for the hospital scenes would suffice for me. Didn't see why a second nurse was needed. Anyway, this offered an interesting voice at the end for Owen to be hearing. It was handled well too. Pretty solid entry.

Oh, man… those nurses sure are liberal with the sedatives, guess an unconscious patient makes their job a little easier. This read like one of those (deliberately) over dramatic Soap Operas with extreme close-ups, coupled with grandiose symphonic crescendos, et al.

Bummer that he had to put the coins back, not sure why the farmer would give them up in the first place? Did he know they (coins) would be cursed? Maybe he (farmer) suffered the same bizarre situation back in the day; found the coins, got hit with space junk, heard voices, put the coins back and went into seclusion. Who’s the ‘Governor’?  Many questions I have. Alas if there’s a serial number or insignia on the space junk, then maybe Owen can track down who it belongs to and sue their ass for punitive damages. Just thinking out loud.

Anyway, like I said, it was fun cause it reminded me of those old ‘70s soap operas that were off the wall.

First, and this note is really going to feel inconsequential... if the character descriptions add nothing to the story or character, just go ahead and leave them out. Who cares if any of them are skinny? Does the story change if Owen is slightly plump?

Or, instead of leaving them out, consider giving us descriptions that add layers. Is the story slightly more interesting if we know that Owen is poor? Ratty clothes, rusty metal detector, bad teeth even might hint that Owen doesn't have much money... and the decision to give the coins back becomes even more powerful. (You do hint at this with one line of dialogue.)

It was interesting choice to leave out the Governor. (We can't hear him.) First one that I've read that's handled it that way. So, kudos for being unique in your approach. Though, sadly, I'm not sure it worked for me.

All in all, I wish that this script spent more time on the interesting parts of the idea (Governor, underground people, meaning of the treasure) than on the uninteresting parts (hospital, nurses, mother.)

I think having the Governor heard would be a better way to go here, personal opinion, as we don't really get to understand his(?) motivations... or anything about him really.

If the coins are for the people inside the earth, are we talking Verne type beings living below ground, if so I'd make the coin descriptions be other worldly. If you mean the dead, then please disregard that note.

Overall though an interesting take.

I found this one ok but a bit tricky to read for some strange reason. It just didn't ring true for me . Who is the governor.  What kind of things are under the ground.

The ending needs more . For me it fell flat at the end .sorry.

This was an interesting read, and I was definitely invested. There were a couple of pleasant surprises -- 1. Owen got the coins returned to him at the hospital 2. Owen put the coins back in the ground at the end.

I liked the line where Owen's mother told him the coins would basically pay for his hospital stay. For some reason, I found that funny.

The hospital staff had a very liberal use of sedatives and I thought there might be some sort of deception going on with that. The discussion about the Governor and the people in the ground is cool, but it would help if there was just a bit more explanation.

Maybe Owen's mom can just dig up the coins later on.

The Funks.  

... they ease Joan into a reclining position against the bedside table.
Really? They couldn't get her a bed or place her in a reclining chair at least?

The bag of coins lay between them on the console.
Does that sound right to your ear? The correct tense at least? It isn't.

Pay for his hospital stay? How long was he in there?

Your father...
This is not a trailing off because Owen jumps in with the next line, so replace the ellipses with an emdash/dash.

It's only right, mom,
Cap Mom in this instance as it replaces her name.

Okay, who the heck is the Governor?

This was a strange one for me. Lots of quirky and amusing details which is great. But then it didn't amount to much or satisfy with all that you set up. Too many unanswered questions. The underground people? A teaser this late in the script?

I still found it enjoyable. It has a natural comedic tone which I think you should add to and then call this a comedy/drama.

Develop this for sure.

An interesting story you have here. A full story minus information on the underground people and the governor.
You could cut in many places and have that in too.

For example when the mother talks to the nurse about the metal that hit him. The nurse could have told the mother what it was from the very beginning.

Rewrite this please, fully flesh it, I'll read it. It has something.

Hello writer, for the most part this was written well and was easy to follow, I the mother was a bit dramatic in the hospital and I think you spent too much time at the hospital with the mom and the nurses instead of following a promising premise (the underground people). Also I found it strange that they would inject the mom, seems like a bit of a stretch IMO.

I like the originality of we, (the audience) didn't get to hear the voices that Owen was hearing. Although it would be interesting to hear what the Governor was saying, none the less props on the originality.

I felt like there should've been more of a set-up. Are the stakes high enough? What would've happened if he didn't return the coins? What if the farmer stole the coins and the Governor demanded Owen to return it? I think there would've been more of a dramatic turn if he had to steal the coins back only to return them to the ground.

Could the underground people start causing earthquakes because the coins were culturally important? I think there were a number of ways to go with this story that didn't just end up." I had to return the coins because of a voice".

It was an interesting premise that I think could've been handled a bit better, maybe with a re-write you could flesh out the reasons and I think it could use a bit more drama with the interesting bits and forego the drama with the uninteresting bits.

A decent effort, but I found the script lacking in the important parts of the story.

Best of luck.

Thanks for taking the time to read and for all your thoughts.  I am working on rewrites based on your input.  When I get it all worked out, I'm going to resubmit it.

Thank you for posting my revisions, Don.  I made the character intros mean something, and made it a little more of a Dramedy.  Please have a look and let me know what you all think.

Thanks for posting this Don.  Okay, I've made one more small set of revisions.  I decided to add in the voice of the Governor.  I didn't inundate it with him, but I feel it gives more context to the situation.

There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more.

I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for.  I learned something new. Thank you.

To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen’s description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams “This is what Goodwill throws out.”

One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor’s hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit.  She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared.

Just an idea. I’m trying to be helpful but I can’t think of anything better.

The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence.  It is a dialog line spoken by Joan:  “My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this.”  I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak There's not much to say that hasn't already been said. This has been around a while and I get a sense you may come back to this and work on it more. I liked this. I went to Google to look up what the story told me to look search for.  I learned something new. Thank you. To answer your latest question, I liked the character intros. I could visualize the characters in front of me and they came to life. I particularly liked Owen's description, especially his clothes. It hit close to home except my rumpled look screams "This is what Goodwill throws out." One thing that I might have done differently, would be to have more arguing between Joan and Owen about how ridiculous it was that he was burying gold coins in the ground because he heard voices. He found those, they are his, and they could use the money. They could have a tug-o-war with the bag, all the way to the pit. Owen finally rips it free from her grasp and lowers it to the pit. The governor's hand reaches up from the pit and takes it. An ominous voice gives a sincere thank you. Joan hears it too. The hand and the bag disappear into the pit.  She is left speechless over what she just saw and realizes her son is not crazy. I realize that this changes the story immensely and takes out the bridge scene. However their lives could still collapse over the experience they shared. Just an idea. I'm trying to be helpful but I can't think of anything better. The only other helpful thing I could point out is that on page 5, about 22 lines (including spaces) down from the top, there is an odd sentence.  It is a dialog line spoken by Joan:  "My boy. My boy. His dad last year and now this."  I think there is a verb missing. I think his dad died last year.

Thanks a bunch for reading and giving me your thoughts.  I'm glad you like the character intros.  I feel I'm finally getting the hang of it.  "This is what Goodwill throws out." - Hilarious!  

I have to admit you paint a very funny picture of Joan and Owen having a tug-of-war with the bag.  That may work very good.  I don't like the idea of the hand and voice from the hole.  Not sure about that kind of reveal.  Have to think about that.

'I think there is a verb missing.' - Nope.  No verb missing.  If you realized she meant the dad died, my job is done.  

I'm curious about something, I've uploaded a new version of this just recently, with a bridge scene added at the end, and Don hasn't notified me it was posted.  The version I keep getting in the download doesn't have it.  I've even deleted my cookies and re-downloaded.  Same old version.  Can you please copy and paste the bridge scene from your copy into this thread?

I see your point about not liking the hand and voice. The change would be like James Cameron rewriting Titanic so that the boat doesn't sink.

Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download.

EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT
Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a
stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp.
She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of
coins in her hand.
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Gold coins, my ass!
Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door...
JOAN
(muttering angrily)
Governer, my ass!
...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and...
JOAN
Well, the Governer can shove his
coins right up his ass!
...heaves them over the side.
FREEZE ON: THE THROW
SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins.
Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as
we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded,
and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw
them in a river."
FADE TO BLACK
OVER BLACK:
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
I deserve another the chance. The
son could be reasoned with, but the
mother was like a woman possessed!
SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to
losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme
Leader of Agartha."
12.
INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT
An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on
screen.
A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and
presses the enter key.
The screen fades to black before the results are displayed.
GOVERNOR (V.O.)
Google it.
THE END

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I see your point about not liking the hand and voice. The change would be like James Cameron rewriting Titanic so that the boat doesn't sink.

A perfect analogy if ever I heard one!  

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak Below is the requested scene. I left the wrap-around the way it is in the download. EXT. DILAPIDATED BRIDGE - NIGHT Joan slams her ratty old car with one working headlight to a stop on the bridge beneath the single weak street lamp. She flings open her door and stumbles out of the car, bag of coins in her hand. JOAN (muttering angrily) Gold coins, my ass! Teetering drunkenly, she works her way around the door... JOAN (muttering angrily) Governer, my ass! ...to the crumbling wall at the edge of the bridge and... JOAN Well, the Governer can shove his coins right up his ass! ...heaves them over the side. FREEZE ON: THE THROW SUPER: "Joan went back to the field and dug up the coins. Only to find out that not only weren't they made of gold as we know it, they weren't any kind of coins ever recorded, and so worth about as much as a parking token. She threw them in a river." FADE TO BLACK OVER BLACK: GOVERNOR (V.O.) I deserve another the chance. The son could be reasoned with, but the mother was like a woman possessed! SUPER: "The Governor lost a vote of 'No Confidence' due to losing the community's treasure and was replaced as Supreme Leader of Agartha." 12. INT. SOME HOUSE - NIGHT An open laptop sits on a desk with a Google search page on screen. A pair of hands types A-g-a-r-t-h-a into the field and presses the enter key. The screen fades to black before the results are displayed. GOVERNOR (V.O.) Google it. THE END

That's my new scene all right.  I just can't understand why I keep getting the old version.  Cookie / refresh/ log in and out.  Same old version.  I also had fun and found a monospaced font based on a Remington typewriter.  I love old scripts typed on a real typewriter, so I'm changing all my scripts to that.  I'll keep trying the download.  Maye a different browser...

P.S. - I also cleared my stored data on my computer and I still get the old version.  Weird!

I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps.

The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak I had a similar problem. It turned out that I wasn't downloading to where I thought I was and that the file I kept opening was an old one. I'm not so sure that this is your problem but the least I could do is add my experience to yours in case that helps. The whole PDF is 330k which is small enough to e-mail. I could do that if you would like.

Thanks so much for the offer.  I'm set up to open the file automagically upon download, so it always opens that exact file.  I got the correct version by downloading it on a different computer. However (of course) tonight I downloaded it on this computer and got the right version.  Problem solved!!