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A Little Bit of Sunshine - OWC (currently 595 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 12:49pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16458 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
A Little Bit of Sunshine by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Ray - Short, Musical - A lonely prisoner has a special responsibility. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - September 21st, 2023, 10:13am | revised draft | | |
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Arundel |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 2:16am |
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January Project Group
LocationLas Vegas, Nevada Posts265 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Well, this seems to break the rules somewhat by not using a specific song title, but kind of a mashup of a few songs? -- or perhaps I am mistaken.
Aside, the script followed the theme set up at the beginning quite nicely. Had a bit of Shawshank/Green Mile vibe to it until the extravagant number at the end. Wasn't sure how I felt about that but then again maybe it needed to happen. This writer showed quite the imagination and it packed a punch. |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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SAC |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 12:05pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Excellent work, writer. I really enjoyed this one. Kinda reminds me of an old ray Bradbury short story, forgot the name of it. But the surreal out of body dance number, the sheer joy and escapism captivated me without overdoing it. Very good job!
Steve |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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kcranford |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 2:20pm |
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New Features: Christmas Joe
Posts372 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
What a bit of "Sunshine" this was, writer! I felt the entire thing was masterful and well-crafted and as someone said above, I got a "Shawshank" vibe from it. I loved it. One word review? Excellent!
Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us on this.
Kathy |
| Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC) |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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LC |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 8:14pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Did you see that dance number in 500 days of Summer? If you haven't you really should Cross it with Shawshank and this is what you get. It's not often we get Musicals as OWC entries, though I do remember Johnny wrote one some years back and it was a crowd pleaser. So nice to read an upbeat script. Thoroughly enjoyable! And written exceptionally well. P.S. I don't think it breaks any rules by referencing two songs. All you need to do is add one more. https://youtu.be/iPUmE-tne5U?si=iD_Z4zuSAOYCtL7L |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - September 11th, 2023, 8:43pm | | |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 8:51pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy Ray - not gonna offer any feeback cos methinks you're just showing off. Another one I've never heard until a few minutes ago...it is a fun read. Very tight and moving forward, I think the style and your choice of music definitely sets the tone. Musicals are not my usual cup of tea, but I liked it. Job well done. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal.
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Heretic |
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 4:59pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Very fun! I would have loved to know a tiny bit more about our new guy; some little hint of info that could help us connect to him as more than an archetype. But that could easily just come with casting and directorial vision, too.
Extremely well written and imaginative. Excellent work all around and would make a great demo for the right director.
I'm a tiny bit bummed that the Guard got to jump on the musical train -- the generally heartwarming nature of the story kinda rests on the little bit of relief that one prisoner is able to give to others in the same situation, and letting someone who's involved in the deprivation that necessitates the musical number in the first place become a part of that music feels a little off to me -- but that's largely a matter of personal values.
Really really good in my opinion. |
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Reply: 6 - 19 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 5:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4324 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Two songs, sure why not.
Very well written, great job on that.
I just struggled a bit with the juxtaposition of the jail and the dance sequence, though I did enjoy the energy of the latter.
I had a bit of trouble believing that (despite the coal mining setup) they didn't get to see the sun apart from the x marks the spot beam.
Strong entry though |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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Stoneyscripts |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 5:07am |
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New Pushing boundaries
LocationLondon. England Posts304 Posts Per Day 0.47 |
""I was put off by the- "Ethan " did this and "Ethan" did that action scenes. We know who he is, no need to keep saying that.
Not for me this one. However it was an enjoyable read for a musical, which I loath with all my heart.
Jailhouse Rock, was the only one I liked and I was only 12 when that was shown.
Just my opinion and thanks for posting.
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| My Screenplays Two Moons The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin The Blue Room No Time For Love The Source The Pearl Earring The Bigger The Storm Before She Died
And many many more...
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 7:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.87 |
Hi Writer
How is he going to see there is a truck through a tiny crack that only lets a spec of sunshine through?
Anyway, very well written and unique. It is packed full of style and charm and was lovely to read.
All the best to you
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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ColinS |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 10:30am |
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January Project Group Keep Believing!
LocationUK Posts244 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hey Writer,
Very creative. Conceptually, I really like what you've come up with here. Don't know whether the challenge and song inspired the idea or whether it's an idea you've had on the back burner but either way, it's great. Think it deserves a larger platform than five pages - worth considering.
Top writing too - Gotta a be a contender, gotta be. |
| "Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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big lew |
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 3:04pm |
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New Rewriting Sucks!
LocationWater Mill, New York Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Loved the breakaway dance routine, a total surprise. It put a smile on my dance shoes!
Well crafted from the beginning because the "new guy in prison" story is always a setup to beat the shit out of the poor soul, but this switch-up was very engaging and a sign that this was something new. Had a touch of the heart and soul of Shawshank Redemption.
Nice work, writer. |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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Pleb |
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 7:47am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Did not expect that!
Loved the combination of mixing a prison setting with an upbeat musical vibe. Totally unexpected. Writing was really solid too!
Excellent work! |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 10:57am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1307 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
came in expecting a dour prison movie and got quite the surprise when it turns into La La Land! A brave choice that you really need to be commended for. Liked this one quite a bit.
I will say — the little hole in the wall doesn’t make much sense. Maybe make it the tiniest slit of a window instead. Just a suggestion. Otherwise, great job. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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Abe from LA |
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 3:18pm |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
In no way do I like musicals. But this was a fine piece of writing. So detailed, sunny and fun. I still don't like musicals, however, I just can't push this script to the corner. It's rather glorious. Not much to criticize. It's a winner and what more can I add. |
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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Kevin_L |
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 5:22pm |
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New
Posts148 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Writer,
I've always been a fan of One Republic. Good song choice. I thought you painted a vivid picture of how something we take for granted can be a great joy to others. I also thought it was clever to have the guard sing and dance. They are stuck in there with them for long hours at a time. Using the lyrics in the dialogue worked well. Good job. |
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Reply: 15 - 19 |
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Rob |
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 5:55pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Congratulations on coming up with a remarkable, original idea. It would be so great to watch this on film. This is definitely in the running for the top spot. The only small suggestion I have would be to give Ethan more time in the prison. After just one day, he probably wouldn't be so overjoyed to see the sun. After a month or a year, things would be different. |
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Reply: 16 - 19 |
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D.A.Banaszak |
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 9:11pm |
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New
LocationNortheast, kind of. Posts221 Posts Per Day 0.46 |
I could see the essence of a musical in the works. While I’m not quite a fan of musicals, it worked for me here. I liked this. |
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Reply: 17 - 19 |
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LC |
Posted: September 19th, 2023, 9:43pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7644 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Some teeny logic issues aside, which didn't bother me btw... Great job, Paul! |
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Reply: 18 - 19 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: September 19th, 2023, 10:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Some teeny logic issues aside, which didn't bother me btw... Great job, Paul! |
Thanks. Yeah, I chose to ignore a few things...especially knowing this really can't get made. Wrote it for the big fun of it all. In my head, it's even bigger than on the page. You really should see it!!! The choreography is amazing. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 19 - 19 |
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