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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Blue Ribbon
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  Author    Blue Ribbon  (currently 1729 views)
Don
Posted: July 18th, 2018, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blue Ribbon by Cindy Keller - Short, Horror - A woman must find a way to beat out her snooty competition if she is ever going to win a blue ribbon for her tomatoes. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Cindy,

Notes as I read.

You have a blank page after your title page for some reason.


Quoted Text
hard-working  MAVIS


Looks like there may be a double space between hard-working and MAVIS.


Quoted Text
BUZZZZ


Personally not a fan of comic book sound effects, but I know a lot of people use them.


Quoted Text
You can take your sorry behind off
of my property.


Super small nit, but "of" not required. Less relevant in dialogue as people can talk however they, or you chose.

SPOILERS

Not too much here for me, and what there is makes little sense, not that most horrors are grounded in reality, but why is this batch of grow enhances so potent? Seems odd that the world would continue on as normal after a 3 feet mosquito attack. After turning something like a mosquito into a killing machine, I feel like you would be reluctant to make a monster rabbit.

The horror element it very light on. There is no real tension and the only potentially horrific part is a pretty uneventful kill.

At face value itís a bit of fun, just donít dwell on any of the details.

The writing is otherwise very good.

All the best.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 18th, 2018, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Warren,
Thanks for the read.

This was my first attempt at writing on new software. Not sure what I did for the blank page, but I couldn't undo it.

I had always wanted to create a giant mosquito and had Mavis use an over abundance of chemicals to do it. It's a lot lighter than the giant killer mosquitos that would suck all of the everything out of people and leave their shell of skin. Lol

I thought it may bring someone a smile.

Thanks again,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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eldave1
Posted: July 18th, 2018, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy: well written.

I kind of saw the twist coming - but all in all a pretty good effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 18th, 2018, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy, very cool to see you around these boards again.

I liked this story! You know what it reminded me of? Remember that old Andy Griffith show with the pickle contest? One of the best.  

So, I guess your Halloween costume this year will be a giant mosquito?

Small typo at the end. Calandar - calendar



.
SS, is still free...
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 19th, 2018, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

Thank you for the read.

A big congrats to you for not one, but two quarter finalist scripts in this years Page contest.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 19th, 2018, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia, thank you for the read. I'm glad you liked it.

I don't remember that episode of Andy. I'll have to look it up.

A big congrats to you for being a quarter finalist at this years Page contest.

I'm trying to be around more. Overtime at work is finally slowing down.
It's good to see all the writers with short scripts to watch , and other writers getting optioned.

Cindy



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Philostrate
Posted: July 19th, 2018, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

Very well-written.

I liked it but I think it's more a comedy than a straight horror.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

My favorite line:


Quoted Text
"Giant bunny contest".


Material for a sequel?  

David


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Zack
Posted: July 19th, 2018, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hey Cindy,

Happy to see you are still around. How have you been?

Funny little story here. I kind of predicted what was gonna happen, but I enjoyed it none-the-less.

Writing wise, this was excellent. Very easy to follow. I'm gonna re-read this and take some notes. lol

One thing I noticed was that you didn't really give any character descriptions. I suppose that's okay for a short, though I still think you could have described the characters looks a little bit. You mention that Shirley waddles away after she steals the giant tomato. The word "waddles" made me visualize her as a short fat lady, which made me laugh.

I'd definitely say this is more comedy than horror. Still, I really liked it.

Zack


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hi David,
When I sent this one in, I wasn't quite sure where it should go so I just entered "short".
It probably got put into short horror because of the monster, which is fine by me.
I remember a goofy movie titled, "Killer Tomatoes", and I believe it was a horror, and it was quite silly.
I'm glad you liked that line.
I was hoping to put a smile on faces.

Thank you for the read.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack,
I've been doing pretty good. My health is better this year. Last year was a pain.
Yes, I guess I could have written better descriptions. Yes, I saw Shirley as a short, chubby, pest. Lol
My next script , I will.
I plan on writing more often.

You know, I read your short the other day, but it was during my lunch hour at work, so, I will give it another read this weekend.

Thank you for the read. I appreciate it. I'm glad you liked it.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 20th, 2018, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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I want to thank everyone for the reads.
I will be reading this weekend.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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SteveClark
Posted: July 24th, 2018, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Cindy,

Just now saw this. Cute little tale you have here. Not necessarily scary as the horror implies, but your giant mosquito bite should qualify.

I didn't really understand why Shirley was stealing one of her tomatoes in the first place. Perhaps a quick line from Shirley to explain that would help. As is it seems she just ran in and grabbed a giant tomato. I'd like to know why.

I'm sure someone has already mentioned you have a blank page after your title page.

The ending--perhaps a devilish look from Mavis after we see her calendar is in order. You could end it that way. Sort of let everyone know that Mavis is about to take this all a little too far.

Overall, a fun little read. Good luck with it.

Steve


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 25th, 2018, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,
Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.
I did have Mavis tell her through the closed door that she was taking her blue ribbon this year and there was nothing she could do about it., but I like your idea to add a line in when she is stealing a tomato.
I also like having her grin at the end.

Thank you again,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Kirsten
Posted: July 29th, 2018, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

That was fun. I enjoyed the rivalry between them. The mosquito growing to be that big did seem out of place. It jarred the story for me, maybe if it was set in a fantasy/surreal world, the overgrowing of the tomato and mosquito would feel more normal but still be impactful and effective. Or maybe the mosquito needs to have more time to get to that size?

Anyway nice job.

Cheers Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 31st, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten,
It's just a silly and short little horror/comedy. Not a whole lot to it.
I don't think it would have been as funny with a small tomato and mosquito, and she just had to get her blue ribbon this year.
Thanks for giving it a read.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Zack
Posted: June 20th, 2020, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Congrats, Cindy! That's awesome.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 20th, 2020, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Zack,
I want to come back here. Sure do miss this place. Right now I'm working full time while taking real estate classes. So soin as things ease up, I will have more time.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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BarryJohn
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 4:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy

Well written. A kind of story one reads with a pinch of salt. From the first two pagers I knew I was in for an "off-beat" story. And with that mind frame, it made for a good laugh.  

Killer Tomato's.. the sequel.          


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
https://simpsonliteraryagency.com/script-analyst
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read. I'm glad it made you laugh.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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I have some awesome news.
This short was produced AND entered into a film festival. The film festival is in a small town that I grew up in and went every Saturday afternoon to that particular theater to watch the old horror movies like Frankenstein, the Mummy, Creature.
Well, our short WAS CHOSEN to be shown during the festival!
The producer/actor, another actor, crew, film, special effects, sound, and music are all top notch.
I think they did a wonderful job with it.
I am sooo excited. Just imagine. To think our short film will be playing on the same screen that inspired me to write.
Oh, and of course, the producer found the script here.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Zack
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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So happy for you! That's really amazing! Congratulations!


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Zack.
When I watch this on the big screen, I will feel like I've accomplished something in this lifetime.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Zack
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Thank you, Zack.
When I watch this on the big screen, I will feel like I've accomplished something in this lifetime.


It's going to be an amazing feeling. I'm so happy for you.  


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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SteveClark
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome news, Cindy. Congratulations!!


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eldave1
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Super news. Congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: August 3rd, 2021, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Cindy!

What a feeling that will be.
Let us know when we can watch it.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2021, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all.
The producer has entered it into a few festivals this year and I promised not to show it while festivals are going on.
I will ask her about sharing it here later in the year.
She did such a wonderful job on it.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 4th, 2021, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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That is awesome! seeing your work come to life is very exciting


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 4th, 2021, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all.
The producer has entered it into a few festivals this year and I promised not to show it while festivals are going on.
I will ask her about sharing it here later in the year.
She did such a wonderful job on it.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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