SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 19th, 2019, 9:12pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
Round three (3) scripts are live.



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Camper
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Camper  (currently 1154 views)
Don
Posted: December 31st, 2018, 9:11am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13046
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Camper by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Thriller - A lone camper's peace and quiet is ruined when someone watches him from within his tent. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Nolan
Posted: December 31st, 2018, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
184
Posts Per Day
0.14
Kirsten,

Gave this a read today.  

** Spoilers **

I definitely would lose the "Stupid little fuck" line by Darryl.  It just doesn't seem like his character would say that.  He seems calm and collected, so it was off.  I had written down that I'd take the last part out entirely, but the more I think about it, it's a good ending with him talking to his wife.  It really highlights his double life.  

With regards to the rest of it, not too bad, but possibly look at shorting some of your action lines.  For instance, on page 3 you write "Darryl comes to a stop in the same clearing...".  Something like that could condensed to "Darryl stops in the same clearing...".  Small things like that throughout could really tighten this up and make it pop even more.  

Nice twist on the end with Darryl being a killer.

Good luck with it!

Nolan  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 38
HyperMatt
Posted: January 1st, 2019, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
London, UK
Posts
470
Posts Per Day
0.56
A 5 pager, not a 6 pager. I like the simplicity of this. It is very clearly written and easy to follow.
I like the eerie silence of the camper on his own in the woods. The narrative style is consistent throughout.

I like the 'Stupid little fuck" line, I think it reveals a part of his character that we were unaware of.
A few times You change between 'the Figure' and 'the figure'.

This should be very easy to make.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 38
eldave1
Posted: January 1st, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4598
Posts Per Day
2.58
Hey, Kirsten:

This certainly did not end up going where I thought it was.

SPOILERS

Although the twist was rewarding - I did feel a bit of a logic hurdle in terms of how you got there. That is, gotta believe that a kid would be on a 30 hour joke/trick to catch one dude out in the wilderness with camera shots. Couldn't see that happening so that plot point did not resonant with me.

Well written for the most part. A couple of nit issues.  

Before he goes into the tent, our hero is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. When he opens his backpack for the first time he's wearing a thermal to and jogging pants. Did he change clothes before retrieving his backpack?

EXT. SMALL CLEARING - LATER
A medium sized standup tent is pitched with its back to
the woods. A backpack sits outside the tent door.
Darryl crawls out of the tent and pulls the backpack in.


Quoted Text
INT. TENT

Darryl unpacks a jersey and puts it on over his tightly
fitting thermal top, grabs his smart phone, slides it
into the back pocket of his jogging pants and steps out…

Okay - a real nit.

EXT. TENT


Technically, these both should be full slugs since you are going from INT to EXT. e.g., would be

INT. TENT - DAY
EXT. TENT - DAY

I don't mind violating the rule because it is clear where we are. But it's a bit off to use half of a full slug. I think it's more pleasing to the eye (if you going to violate the rule anyway) to just go with:

INSIDE THE TENT

OUTSIDE THE TENT

Like I said - a real nitty issue.

Nice job overall - a quick read


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 38
Dustin
Posted: January 2nd, 2019, 4:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5160
Posts Per Day
2.39
Like Dave, I found the prankster a little too convoluted. I understand that you've done this to misdirect the reader, but you've pushed the boundaries too far and that makes this short unbelievable.

The thing with the phone... I had it down that it was his wife/gf dead in the car and that he was just nuts talking to nobody. Another reviewer here figured he had a double life, so you might want to clear that up too.

All the best,


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 38
Kirsten
Posted: January 5th, 2019, 7:11am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
202
Posts Per Day
0.20


Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line.

Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot!

Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's  not enough, so thank you for pointing that out.

Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing.

I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 38
eldave1
Posted: January 5th, 2019, 11:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4598
Posts Per Day
2.58

Quoted from Kirsten


Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line.

Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot!

Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's  not enough, so thank you for pointing that out.

Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing.

I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.


You're welcome, Kirsten - best of luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 38
Zack
Posted: January 6th, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2689
Posts Per Day
0.56
Hey Kirsten,

I really like the way you write. It's simple and concise, but still quite visual. I had no trouble at all imagining this my head.

Unfortunately, the story just didn't do it for me. It started out well enough. You established that Daryll wasn't alone and built some early tension. I really enjoyed the sequence where the figure sneaks into Daryll's tent the first night and takes pictures. You showed some good restraint here. Really creepy sequence.

The twist ending is what turned me off of this. I appreciate some good misdirection, but unfortunately I wasn't a fan of the payoff. I was more curious about the hooded figure than I was in Daryll's  motives.

I'd also work on the dialog a bit. Nothing horrible, but it can be tightened up a bit. I didn't really like the "stupid little fuck" line.

Spoilers.

Why did Daryll just leave that body in his car? Why not bury it? And what was the hooded figures ultimate plan? Just to take pictures?

Good writing here, but the story just left me disappointed.

Zack


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 38
Kirsten
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 6:49am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Giving up is not an option....

Location
Kiwi in Ohio
Posts
202
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hi Zack, thank you so much for the read and comments. I'm really glad you liked the writing, I've always struggled with that, so it means things are on on the up and up...

I'm definitely working on this, I might even do away with the twist.

To answer your questions, 1, good question 2, he is a fledgling sociopath that likes to freak people out. Darryl was suppose to see those picks and react.  

Good questions, because answering them makes me realize they were questions I should have answered to get rid of plot holes.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 38
GM
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 7:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
2144
Posts Per Day
0.45
Hey Kirsten

Spoilers!

In no particular order but these are my thoughts about the script:

I think this can be done in one day since I find it weird the camper wouldn’t wake up the first time. I mean, he puts the knife next to the phone for a reason. Lol.

I think you missed a good opportunity in decieving the reader here. How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens? But it depends on how you want to take the story?

It’s easy to film and has good content.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 38
Dustin
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5160
Posts Per Day
2.39

Quoted from GM
Hey Kirsten

How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens?


That is what happens in the story already.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 38
GM
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 9:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
2144
Posts Per Day
0.45
Spoilers!

To be more specific. When the the pics are taken for the first time, Instead of showing the guy taking the pic, show the camper seeing the pics on his cell.

Also, don’t have him put the knife ewith the cell, dead giveaway. Lol.

I never got the sense the camper was in danger

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 38
Zack
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 10:06am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2689
Posts Per Day
0.56
One more thing, Kirsten. And this is a nit pick.

The weapon Daryll uses switches back and forth from a hunting knife to a machete. Threw me off for a second, but I believe this is just a typo.

Please let me know when the rewrite is up. I'd like to see what else you do with this.

Zack



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  January 9th, 2019, 10:45am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 38
pale yellow
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 11:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2102
Posts Per Day
0.76
Like the irony in that the creeper is really the good guy in the end.

I think I would cut out the stuff about the kid. Otherwise the kid would've called the cop or something.

Pia and I did a film where a similar situation happens with a cell phone...


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 38
Dustin
Posted: January 7th, 2019, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5160
Posts Per Day
2.39

Quoted from GM

I never got the sense the camper was in danger


So, if you knew somebody had been creeping into your tent at night and taking pictures of you while you slept, that wouldn't represent a danger to you?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 38
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006