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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Cookies
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Don
Posted: December 19th, 2019, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cookies by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - Suma is alone in her new home when an old lady comes to greet her.  8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Can't I get a feedback on this? 😔
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Zack
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hey, Yuvraj.

The best way to get reads is to read other people's scripts. Ya gotta give reads to get reads, Dude.


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eldave1
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
Hey, Yuvraj.

The best way to get reads is to read other people's scripts. Ya gotta give reads to get reads, Dude.


YEP


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Yuvraj, you can also request a script review exchange here:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-goose/

The current OWC means there are not as many people reviewing at the moment, and yes, bear in mind SS is quid pro quo - otherwise known as: a favour or advantage granted in return for something.

Edit: Kirsten (below) makes a good point. Keep at it.   Comments will come.  


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Kirsten
Posted: January 22nd, 2020, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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I notice that you have given feedback Yuvraj. You did on mine.. I can look at this in a couple of days...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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I have to get to bed soon, but I wanted to make a few quick comments before I do.  One of us will try to come back and give more detailed feedback later today, or tomorrow.

Copy edit. Seriously.  (Half-way down the first page, no less) I wanted to throw this script out the window. It's not acceptable.

Too clumsy. The dialogue threw me out, I wasn't totally sure what was going on...I, mean, I understood what was going on but that took effort as opposed to it being handed to me on the page. I had a hard time with this one.

Ghost


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, my advice is to proofread your work before you ask others to read it.

It's a bit irritating when writers expect others to go to the trouble of reading and critiquing a script that the writer has clearly not even read themselves.


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Yuvraj
Posted: January 23rd, 2020, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Ghostwriters

This is indeed a compliment for me. I didn't wanted this to be a simple and easy to understand story. It should take some efforts brother otherwise there ain't no fun.

Big up my brother.
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Kirsten
Posted: January 29th, 2020, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Yuvraj,

Okay, so SPOILERS

This is what I read the story as... Suma did not get a phone call from her real mum, it was all in her head. And Akita is her imaginary friend. OM and SIMI are her parents and they are trying to get out of work and home to their child that seems to be unwell. They finally do and the doctor tells them she has schizophrenia.

Because English is your second language..... I'm assuming......your stories are difficult to read. This puts people off unfortunately.

You can get rid of all the Cut Too's.... it's automatically insinuated that it will cut to the next scene with each new slug.

You need to introduce her parents in their first scene using their names. We still won't know who they are if you give them a name. It won't ruin the reveal. You name them later on and this can ruin the flow of the read.

Maybe instead of the parents saying she talks on a 'dead' phone, they should say she talks on the phone when it's turned off??

Once the action takes place in the house you can use mini slugs... i.e

FRONT ENTRANCE
OM and SIMI look as the DOCTOR leaves.
OM comforts her wife as she cries.

BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
We see SUMA's hand twitch.
REVEAL- AKITA standing beside her bed with her home-made
cookies, waiting for her to wake up.

This is an example of writing that needs fixing....
OM
She seems confused and losted. She
doesn't talks much. Not with us as
well as her friends.

Should be...based on what you wrote.... "She seems confused and lost. She doesn't talk much, not to us, or her friends."  

I don't see this as a horror, because there's no real horror elements. Akita is a lovely old lady who has bought food and Suma doesn't do anything horrifying in the story. It reads as a drama about mental illness.

Anyways hope this helps, just keep reading other scripts and working on your english writing..It's hard enough getting it right when it's your first language let alone it being a second one...

Cheers Kirsten







"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Yuvraj
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Well Kirsten

I appreciate you took time and reviewed my script. But I'm afraid that you didn't got the story.

As I told before it is very subtle. You have to read in between the lines and basically it's just one line that clears the wind.

You should not just read a script but feel it.

Thank you.
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Dustin
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Yuvraj
Well Kirsten

I appreciate you took time and reviewed my script. But I'm afraid that you didn't got the story.

As I told before it is very subtle. You have to read in between the lines and basically it's just one line that clears the wind.

You should not just read a script but feel it.

Thank you.


Perhaps if you wrote it better then people may be more inclined to 'feel' it.

Your first line:

Code

SUMA(17) is watching television sitting on a couch.



It's way too passive.

On a couch, SUMA (17), watches television.

Keep your writing as active as possible. Honestly, I'd be out after the first line, so I'm not surprised people aren't getting your subtlety.

Learn to write in a way that other people find pleasurable to read.


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Yuvraj
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Well Dustin

Not always will you get things in the way you want them to be. No two people will write the same thing in the same way.

First learn to accept heterogeneity and then read and comment.
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Dustin
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Wow, you really are a severe case. We often get writers coming through who struggle to take good advice on board. Those who believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. Unfortunately for you, even if you're correct, you're in a singular minority. Nobody is going to like your work but you.

Good luck finding somebody who can make it through your script.


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Yuvraj
Posted: January 30th, 2020, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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I think Dustin you are right on that part. Writers need criticism but then again those who relay on counts are always playing it safe.

Open your mind dude.

I'll say again what I said before; First learn to accept heterogeneity and then read and comment.
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