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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Gasman
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  Author    The Gasman  (currently 1079 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gasman by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - In her house, a little girl acknowledges the presence of an unwanted guest. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 27th, 2020, 4:51pm
revised draft
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Yuvraj
Posted: August 16th, 2020, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting.


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ChrisV
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting story with a lot of possibilities. I dig The Gas-Man.

My question is... how/why is Anne suddenly in the Hospital? What happened?

INT. HOSPITAL WARD - NIGHT
Anne opens her eyes. She lays on a hospital bed.


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Yuvraj
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ChrisV
Very interesting story with a lot of possibilities. I dig The Gas-Man.


Thx man. Glad you liked it.


Quoted from ChrisV
My question is... how/why is Anne suddenly in the Hospital? What happened?

INT. HOSPITAL WARD - NIGHT
Anne opens her eyes. She lays on a hospital bed.


It was a dream before the hospital. I wanted to do it the unconventional way. Just like movies where a character frantically opens its eyes and scans its surrounding. I guess it didn't work. LOL.    

Thanks again for the read and comment.


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eldave1
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the vibe of this but not sure I quite got it. Maybe one misdirection too many.

Nitty stuff:


Quoted Text
INT. ANNE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

ANNE'S ROOM


Combine the above into a single header. e.g.,

INT.  RURAL HOUSE/ANNES'S BEDROOM - NIGHT


Quoted Text
Muffled noise comes from her parent's room, then the door
opens and emerges her mother, NIA(30s).


A little awkward. Try

Muffled noise comes from her parent's room. The door
opens revealing NIA (30s).


Quoted Text
Anne hugs Nia and buries her head into Nia's chest.


Wouldn't have Nia had to bend down to have the girl's head in her chess??? Also replace the second Nia with her.


Quoted Text
On the bed, lays only Kevin. With Anne's photo close his
chest.


lies - not lay.





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LC
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, Dave got in before me. Forgive me if I repeat anything Dave already noted.

Great horror vibe, Yuvraj, but things are getting a bit muddled (all due respect) in the translation. And the story you're trying to convey is a bit confusing though I think I get the general gist.

The Gasman is suitably creepy. Well done there!

Suggestions for edits as follows:
Examples in no particular order -

a gas mask put on
his face.
A gas mask covers his face/ or over his face

What happened sweetheart?
Would be better as: What's the matter, sweetheart?
Make sure to offset the name/endearment with a comma .

Anne hugs Nia and buries her head into Nia's chest.
Anne buries her head into her mother's chest.

Anne's drawing book,
Anne's coloring book.

She closes her eyes and covers her face with
the blanket.
She shuts her eyes, pulls the covers up over her face.

Few seconds pass,
A few seconds pass

and emerges her mother, NIA(30s).
Her mother, Nia, 30s, emerges

Silence elopes? Not sure what you mean here with 'elopes'. Not the right choice of word.
Silence. Will do as is.

Moonlight helps to proclaim a SILHOUETTE of a TALL PERSON
The silhouette of an imposing figure illuminated by moonlight, /or in the glow of the moonlight, a dark imposing figure silhouetted

and tucks under her blanket.
And hides under the blanket (or covers)

ANNE'S PARENTS ROOM
Insert an apostrophe or just call it: Mom and Dad's room. Or Nia and Kevin's Room

Nia looks at the corner, but sees nothing.
Nia looks towards the corner of the room, sees nothing

She lays on a hospital bed.
She lies in a hospital bed
FYI:
https://www.quickanddirtytips......ay%20down%20a%20book.

Her eyes are sore.
Presumably her eyes are red from crying?

Instead of 'stickmen' just call them stick-figures - e.g. a crudely drawn portrait of her family - Mom, Dad, and Anne.

Hope that helps.


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spesh2k
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yuvraj, nice stuff here. Your writing has gotten considerably better, so great work with that. Dave and Libby already tackled pretty much everything. My only issue is the title of the script and the name of your baddie... it might evoke chuckles from people with juvenile senses of humor such as me -- I immediately thought of that "Gas Man" gag from "Dumb & Dumber" (the gag was pretty much about misunderstanding about a guy who had gas issues). But, that's probably just me -- perhaps you could redefine the whole "gas man" thing and turn it into something iconic of your own. The story is certainly creepy enough and the imagery is very, very solid. You got yourself a nice boogie man character.

Great work!

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Funny, Michael.

I could be wrong but I thought maybe Yuvraj had something more like this in mind:
https://www.historyextra.com/p.....0with%20the%20plague.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plague_doctor_costume

But then I was just always amazed at these macabre outfits, and the fact they were real. I always wanted to put a guy dressed up like this in a horror.

A bit more via description of The Gasman might be in order.


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Yuvraj
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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A little late here. Anyways...

Thanks, Dave, Libby, and Michael for the read and comments. I made the necessary changes and submitted the updated draft.


Quoted from LC
Her eyes are sore.
Presumably, her eyes are red from crying?


Yep, that's right. She lost her daughter.


Quoted from LC


Thanks for that too, Libby.


Quoted from Spesh2k
My only issue is the title of the script and the name of your baddie... it might evoke chuckles from people with juvenile senses of humor such as me -- I immediately thought of that "Gas Man" gag from "Dumb & Dumber" (the gag was pretty much about misunderstanding about a guy who had gas issues). But, that's probably just me -- perhaps you could redefine the whole "gas man" thing and turn it into something iconic of your own. The story is certainly creepy enough and the imagery is very, very solid. You got yourself a nice boogie man character.

Great work!


Funny, I didn't recall DUMB AND DUMBER while writing this.

Thanks again, man.


Quoted from LC
Funny, Michael.

I could be wrong but I thought maybe Yuvraj had something more like this in mind:
https://www.historyextra.com/p.....0with%20the%20plague.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plague_doctor_costume

But then I was just always amazed at these macabre outfits, and the fact they were real. I always wanted to put a guy dressed up like this in a horror.

A bit more via description of The Gasman might be in order.


Nope. I had nothing of that sort in my mind, Libby. In fact, it's new to me. Might as well check.

This thing came in my dream once. So I thought better write a little weird story. Awkward, you can also say.  

Thanks again for the comments.


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LC
Posted: August 17th, 2020, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Yep, that's right. She lost her daughter.

Yep, got that.   You need to improve that description though imho. Her eyes are sore is not a great description.  She could have got shampoo in them.

And while I'm all for not being spoon-fed every detail, some clarity is still needed with the story for it to be more effective. Dreaming up something is great but filling in some gaps can be the difference between an audience shrugging their shoulders and a crowd pleaser. All jmo of course.

P.S. Just a couple more things:

Multiple pipes snake
I think you mean tubes?

Hauls for oxygen. Suggest: gasps for breath or equivalent.

Anne looks at her father, KEVIN(30s). He levitates over the
bed, and an oxygen mask on his face. The nasal pipe from the
mask travels back into the Gasman's chest.

Do you actually mean levitate? Or do you mean a word like hovers? It's ambiguous regardless, cause I'm not sure what's going on there and with whom?

Anyway, butting out now.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  August 18th, 2020, 1:27am
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BarryJohn
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 2:58am Report to Moderator
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All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.

PS: Lies Ver Lays. Both have the same meaning. Americans write it as lies. We in Europe counties write it as Lays.

There are many more... Math Ver Maths. Color Ver Colour. Farther Ver Further. Flies Ver Fly's.   Etc  

lie
[lʌɪ]
VERB
lies (third person present)
(of a person or animal) be in or assume a horizontal or resting position on a supporting surface.

LIE, LIES - A lie is an assertion that is believed to be false, typically used with the purpose of deceiving someone. The practice of communicating lies is called lying. A person who communicates a lie may be termed a liar. Lies may serve a variety of instrumental, interpersonal, or psychological functions for the individuals who use them.

Not to be confused with: lei– a garland of flowers worn around the neck. lie– rest in a horizontal position; recline. lay 1.  (lā) v.laid(lād), lay·ing, lays. v.tr. 1. To cause to lie down: lay a child in its crib.

--------------------------------------------

lay
[leɪ]

VERB
lays (third person present)
put (something) down gently or carefully.
"she laid the baby in his cot" · [more]

LAY, LAYS - Not to be confused with: lei– a garland of flowers worn around the neck. lie– rest in a horizontal position; recline. lay 1.  (lā) v.laid(lād), lay·ing, lays. v.tr. 1. To cause to lie down: lay a child in its crib.

...Just saying.


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
Analyst, mentor, competition reader/judge, film critic, magazine article/blogger.  
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Matthew Taylor
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Quoted from BarryJohn


PS: Lies Ver Lays. Both have the same meaning. Americans write it as lies. We in Europe counties write it as Lays.


Barry, lies and lays do not have the same meaning.

In the present tense (which is what should be used when writing a screenplay) lays is transitive and requires an object to act upon, lies is intransitive and describes something moving on its own or already in position.

"She lies on a hospital bed"
"She lays the patient on a hospital bed"


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Yuvraj
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Quoted from LC
Multiple pipes snake
I think you mean tubes


Thx, Libby. Tubes sound appropriate.


Quoted from LC
Do you actually mean levitate? Or do you mean a word like hovers? It's ambiguous regardless, cause I'm not sure what's going on there and with whom?


Yep. I literally meant levitate.


Quoted from BarryJohn
All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.


It's completely fine if you find the story non-sense from one perspective and likable from another.  

Regardless, thank you for reading and commenting.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Barry, lies and lays do not have the same meaning.

In the present tense (which is what should be used when writing a screenplay) lays is transitive and requires an object to act upon, lies is intransitive and describes something moving on its own or already in position.

"She lies on a hospital bed"
"She lays the patient on a hospital bed


Thanks for clarifying the doubt, Matt.

Would like to know how you feel about this script and the short film(you previously commented on)?

Thank you all.


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LC
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Thanks for clarifying the doubt, Matt.

There was no doubt, Yuvraj.

Matthew confirmed (thanks, Matty) what I said earlier. And it was repeated, considering erroneous info which was then posted afterwards.

I posted a link. See it up further?

No need to respond to this btw, just maybe consider looking at the links when they're provided. They can be helpful.

P.S. Levitation usually requires magic. In this case supernatural possibly.
But I still have no idea if the father or the Gasman levitated, nor why.

Hey, it's your story but you might want to think about clarification on this point if further feedback mentions the same thing.


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BarryJohn
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Quoted from BarryJohn
All above said... I'm left with only to comment on the story. If I was a normal person, I'd say the story makes no sense. Reading it through the eyes of the writer, I see a story I could conceive in one of many ways... I guess its just how we look at it. I liked the story.


Read above again...
...I liked the story.  I gave you a compliment!


Who am I? A man with a hundred stories... you want to read one?
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