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First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.
Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.
I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.
Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.
There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)
Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line
Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.
Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.
Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked. "Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes" There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates
odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"
unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there. "Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.
Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face" "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face" or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense. "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.
"and sees" - also unnecessary. "Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room." also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching. "Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.
Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.
"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries. He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask valve are crystal clear."
reword or break it up.
I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.
Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.
Read above again... ...I liked the story. I gave you a compliment!
I know Barry, you gave the story a compliment. And thank you that.
I only agreed with what you said. That's it.
Thanks again man.
Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hi Yuvraj
First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.
Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.
I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.
Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.
There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)
Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line
Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.
Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.
Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked. "Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes" There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates
odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"
unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there. "Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.
Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face" "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face" or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense. "He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.
"and sees" - also unnecessary. "Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room." also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching. "Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.
Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.
"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries. He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask valve are crystal clear."
reword or break it up.
I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.
Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.
All the best to you
Thank you, Matt, for taking time to read and comment. Really appreciate it.
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