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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Gasman
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  Author    The Gasman  (currently 1080 views)
Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi Yuvraj

First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.

Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.

I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.

Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.

There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)

Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line

Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.

Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.


Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked.
"Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes"
There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates

odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"

unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there.
"Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.

Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face"
"He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face"
or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense.
"He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.

"and sees" - also unnecessary.  
"Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room."
also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching.
"Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.

Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.

"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries.
He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes
near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask
valve are crystal clear."

reword or break it up.

I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.

Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.

All the best to you




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Yuvraj
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn
Read above again...
...I liked the story.  I gave you a compliment!


I know Barry, you gave the story a compliment. And thank you that.

I only agreed with what you said. That's it.

Thanks again man.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hi Yuvraj

First just want to say that I am not a horror genre fan - In horror, things seem to happen with no rhyme or reason (apart from the very best horror flicks) and I struggle to connect. So I am not best placed to comment really... that being said, I'm going to comment anyway since you seem to comment on a lot of peoples work.

Storywise I feel there are dots which I am struggling to connect - I get what is happening, but there are elements that could gel better.

I get the sense that the opening scenes in the bedrooms is some sort of nightmare, that she is actually in a hospital hooked up to machines and it is manifesting in her nightmares.

Then she wakes in the hospital, and sees the Gasman again - could be we are now in reality and she is hallucinating? she is dying and these are her final moments.

There's a great connection between what is happening to her (hooked up to breathing machines) and the boogie man that has manifested because of it (Gas Man reminded me of Paddy Considine's character in Dead Man's Shoes when he dresses in a gas mask to freak out the antagonists)

Other elements could be intertwined better I felt, such as the relevance of the stickmen drawings, and elaborating on the break down of the family (The argument, the drawing of them apart, the parents apart in the room all hint at a family torn apart - presumably by the grief and stress of having a terminally ill child), the gasman attacking the parents in the nightmare - but those elements seemed like a footnote and didn't play into the main plot line

Or... I could be talking nonsense lol I don't seem to know anymore.

Still, storywise this is neat and if those dots can be connected in a satisfying way would make a great short film.


Writing-wise there's no one major thing that affects the read, but rather a few little things that added together really affect the flow and enjoyment. odd sentences and word choices that can be reworked.
"Slowly walks" - hit up a thesaurus - "creeps, ambles, tip-toes"
There are "basic" words and phrases that can be swapped with something that adds more (such as "walks" above), another example is "looks at" - find alternatives such as studies, eyes, gazes, fixates

odd words/phrases such as "proclaim" "tears corner her eyes" "silence elopes" "Anne backs herself and cries"

unnecessary phrases such as "...gas mask put on his face" - we can assume it has been put on at some point since he is wearing it. Just tell us it's there.
"Anne lowers her blanket, and sees nothing. Gasman's gone." - technically not true, she sees her room - we just need the info that the Gasman has vanished.

Too many "and" words in there - "He levitates over the bed, and an oxygen mask on his face"
"He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask on his face"
or use more evocative words for the scene - in this case, scary and tense.
"He levitates over the bed, oxygen mask strapped to his face" - might give more of a sense of being trapped by the mask.

"and sees" - also unnecessary.  
"Slowly, she lowers her blanket, and sees the tall person standing in the room."
also, make it more evocative - with horror you want to stir up the creepy and dread feeling in the reader - the same feeling you would get when watching.
"Trepidly, she peers over the blanket. The figure stares back.

Some action blocks are very stop/start - like this one.

"Gasman takes a step forward. Anne backs herself and cries.
He shakes his head. She tightens her lips and sobs. He comes
near to her bed and kneels down. SHARP BREATHS from his mask
valve are crystal clear."

reword or break it up.

I'm gonna stop now as I am just rambling - Each thing I mentioned is no big deal on its own, it's just when they are all consistently present throughout the script it compounds into a problem with the read.

Again - Just an amateur over here with no writing achievements to my name, so feel free to ignore all of this and chalk it up to the ramblings of a madman.

All the best to you



Thank you, Matt, for taking time to read and comment. Really appreciate it.

All points noted. Thanks again.


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eldave1
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Should we let sleeping dogs lay...?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Should we let sleeping dogs lay...?


So Dave's testing.

Ok. Then I'll say it has to be LIE not LAY.


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eldave1
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Location
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Quoted from Yuvraj


So Dave's testing.

Ok. Then I'll say it has to be LIE not LAY.


Yep


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Yuvraj
Posted: August 18th, 2020, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Yep


Gotcha!


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Yuvraj
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Made necessary changes and updated the draft.

Thanks, Don.


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LC
Posted: August 24th, 2020, 12:56am Report to Moderator
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Are you sure this is an updated draft, Yuvraj?
I don't notice any changes.

I don't even see 'lays' changed?  





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Yuvraj
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Are you sure this is an updated draft, Yuvraj?
I don't notice any changes.

I don't even see 'lays' changed?  


Sharp eyes, Libby.

Corrected and updated again.



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Don
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
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Quoted from LC
Are you sure this is an updated draft, Yuvraj?
I don't notice any changes.

I don't even see 'lays' changed?  





Did you refresh your browser?  May need to pull the latest version from the server.

Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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LC
Posted: August 28th, 2020, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Don!

All good now.


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Yuvraj
Posted: October 5th, 2021, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Picked up by some students for filming.


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Zack
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Yuvraj
Picked up by some students for filming.


Congrats, Dude!


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Yuvraj
Posted: October 6th, 2021, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


Congrats, Dude!


Thanks Zack


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