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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Grave Men - May3
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Don
Posted: May 28th, 2021, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Grave Men by Yuvraj Rajwanshi (Yuvraj) writing as No Noyce - Short, Drama - A dilemma in a man's personal life makes for an opportunity for a dangerous group of people. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 21st, 2021, 2:30pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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I was thrown a few times here by the camera angles ON COMPUTER, ON JEFF etc. I thought he was typing these in and it took me out of the story.

Overall a good piece of work. A dark drama that would make a good Black Mirror episode I imagine. The reader/audience has to accept there is a group of people out there doing random internet searches with a specially designed app just to help people get vengeance on those they hate, but if you can get past that (as I did) this is an interesting concept. A kind of a Purge by request.

It would be good to know why Jeff typed Ryan in to begin with. Did he suspect his friend? He didn't seem to from his response.

Great job.


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Gum
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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There are a few breaks in the logic here that throws out the overall message, I think, or cadence. First being they (GM) smack Jeff upside the head with a crowbar, possibly giving him an irreversible contusion, but in the end welcoming him to the clan as one of their own without further ado; maybe being knocked unconscious is part of the hazing ritual. Perhaps chloroform, or a black bag over his head to traumatize him with fear would be less intrusive if they want him to justify his true revenge on another individual by being coherent enough to murder, and ultimately join the Grave Men. Just thinking out loud.

But then thereís Ryan, Jeffís friend that he seemingly Ďcaresí if harm comes to him as in trying to warn him via a phone call but does a 180 when he finds out heís banging his olí lady and then shit-kicks/murders him. I donít know, seems all over the place with ideas that are not truly concrete as of yet, but the structure is there.

I truly like the concept of these Grave Men but might seem more plausible if found on the Dark Web, maybe Jeff was on the Dark Web, donít know, but itís a cool idea to play with, it could definitely be expanded and taken to another level if scripted into a feature.

Unless super imposed over the screen, Iím not sure (earlier) and (present) are entirely necessary, the time-line distortion is understood the way you scripted the events, at least to me it is. I found it engaging when the pop-ups started, it gave me a consensus that nefarious activities were afoot, and the appearance of the Grave Men brought it to the edge of ghoulish fun and lends credence to the warnings people always speak in the IT threadsÖ stay the f*ck away from the Dark Web. Best of luck.


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eldave1
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Well done for the most part.

I got a little lost in the timelines.

Most importantly, I didn't quite understand how the opening scene related. Jeff is conked in the head by the GM dudes - because???

Good effort - enjoyed the tale


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MarkItZero
Posted: May 29th, 2021, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay so dark web revenge squad, that's cool. I can get behind that. And him joining them at the end was a nice touch. That was pretty solid all around.

One nitpick - Jeff falling asleep after believing he's marked his friend as a target was an odd way to end the scene on pg. 4. How about he paces around the room, then grabs his stuff and races out the door? You'd have to change the first scene too, maybe have the masked men waiting outside his door when runs out.

Overall, nice work.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Spqr
Posted: May 31st, 2021, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this story a lot. The premise is clever, but the text on screen interface seems a little slow for today's attention-deficient viewer. Maybe Jeff gets a "wake-up call," from an Alexa-like head on his computer? And I don't understand why the three GM beat Jeff up and dump him outside. Is undergoing a little pain himself the "payment" for having the GM hurt one of his enemies?
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

The giant machine roars through the woods? can't be many trees in these here woods lol


Quoted Text
A search progresses between the two split screens. A dialog
box shows - Searching for correlation. Please wait.


That was a cool addition.


Quoted Text
He sits on his bed. Tense. Dreaded.
Eventually, he dozes off.


How long are we watching him sit on his bed? Seems to fall asleep quick considering he was just petrified for his friend lol he could be suffering from Narcolepsy I suppose...


Quoted Text
INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT (EARLIER)
Jeff in his work clothes, stands by the counter. He eats a
bowl of oats. His phone rings. It's Cathy. He picks it.
CATHY(VO)
Hey, hon. Look, I still got a shit
ton of work to do, so I'll come
late tonight.
JEFF
No problem.
CATHY(VO)
I'll come as soon as possible.
Promise.
JEFF
I'll wait.
CATHY(VO)
Love you. Bye.
6.
JEFF
Bye.
He hangs up, looks at the phone screen for quite a moment
then shakes his head. Sighs.


To me that is a pointless scene that doesn't further anything, we already get that she is his wife and she's cheating on him, we don't need the above.

Cool ending, joining the GM and announcing the next victim.

The GM's already had the dirt on Ryan, so why are they asking him for a name in the beginning? What if he had said someone else lol the ending makes the opening attack seem strange.

Your writing needs a bit of work, a lot can be reorganised and rewritten to both condense it and make it flow better (look at page 2 and how many sentences begin with "He")

The story was pretty cool, but it's one of those where the ending muddies the beginning a little bit for me.

Well done








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mmmarnie
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea here, and the Grave Men are interesting villains. I admit I was a bit confused in parts. Maybe I'm just a dope. But I think in the end I got the overall gist of it. Possibly try to speed it up a little. I think that's why I got a bit lost. You have a few unfilmable descriptions throughout. Like a heart skipping a beat, Ryan acknowledging his surroundings....

Solid entry though. Nice work.


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spesh2k
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
The giant machine stops at a distance from the men. A blur
outline of a person is seen on its wheels.


Not sure what I'm looking at, here.

Overall, this was decent. I liked the classic "Saw"-esque setup. Not sure if I liked the premise as is. So, these Grave Men were looking out for Jeff? How would they know to follow Jeff's life before Jeff hits that "Yes" popup ad? Were they looking to recruit him this whole time? I think the premise of this secret group needs more clarity.

Good effort.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Cacutshaw
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job.

I do wonder why Jeff searched Ryan if he didn't know about the affair. It seems odd that he'd choose him as someone he hates.

Other than that, an engaging script. Nice job.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the ideas in here but the internal logic didn't work for me... he accidentally picked Ryan, regretted it but then found out he was having an affair... way too convenient.

But the writing was solid, though a few typos need tidying up e.g. He plummets his face with punches. should be pummels?

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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LC
Posted: June 2nd, 2021, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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The writing needs tidying up a lot, and a few of the finer details need clarifying - him discovering the affair being one, and deciding to have a kip at the crucial point he does -

He sits on his bed. Tense. Dreaded. You want something like: face full of dread, not dreaded.
Eventually, he dozes off.
Okay, you've only got six pages and needed a segue.

A tiny bit too long getting to the actual 'Ryan' search result he wants? Perhaps think about editing/speeding that up?

Engrossing story nonetheless, great dark vibe and atmosphere. Loved when he hit the computer keys to negate his actions and he was stuck with what he set in motion.

Black Mirror-esque for sure.

I can see this getting picked up.
Definitely up there for me.

Great job!


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Geezis
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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A tale of accidental revenge leading to murder. Writing for me is a but chunky at times but overall a good story.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 3rd, 2021, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Yep, pretty cool premise and great title. It's always the 'best friend', right? A little revision and clean up, you've got something here. Good work.
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stevemiles
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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Not sure the shuffling sound over black adds anything.

You lose the urgency going from Jeff being tense and trying to call Ryan to simply drifting off.  Needs more work there to hold that urgency otherwise it feels like a false beat.

Where does this popup originate from?  Wouldnít it be a website of some sorts?  I think we needed more logic behind this aspect to make it more believable.  Maybe better if Jeff suspected something between Cathy and Ryan and work the idea from there with Jeff idly searching for a means for revenge that gets out of hand.  Otherwise itís too coincidental.

Iím on board with the idea of a shadowy organisation that helps you get rid of someone you donít like.  But it needs a lot of groundwork to make for a believable scenario and for me this is too big a leap of faith to accept these Grave Men would simply approach you online in such a manner and away you go.  Interesting idea and I like that Jeff then inadvertently becomes one of them; Iím just not able to suspend my disbelief enough to be fully invested in it.


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Lono
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Writer,

This was well done, and  good use of the insert! Doing graphics for film, I always hate the insert on computer screens cause it makes my job so much harder lol but this I think would be fun to do, and with your description of the screens you'd make my job easier.

A really awesome concept, like if Fight Club got on the net as a revenge service. You handled the narrative well. He was very quick to go for blood with Cathy at the end though, a little unbelievable for me. He's upset but is he really a cold blooded psychopath? He could be. I would expand on this, I think you have something great with the concept.


Nice work!
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Rob
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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This is a solid script. I like that Jeff is offered a mask at the end and takes it. I also like the funny little detail of Jeff pulling the plug on his computer to escape the situation. I am trying to figure out if Ryan knew about the infidelity when he typed Ryan's name. I assume he says Cathy at the end because she is next.
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Zack
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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On the first page, you have 7 consecutive lines of prose that begin with the word "He". It's very repetitive and hard on the eyes. Mix it up a bit.

Solid concept, but this needs a good rewrite.

Good effort.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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FrankM
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The audience can't see the sluglines, so you'll need some on-screen way to show the time to make the sequence clear to viewers. There are also some formatting glitches like a BACK TO SCENE referring to an INSERT in a previous scene. Looks like it was

In the forest
> INSERT on Man #1's phone
>> Flashback to kitchen
> Looking at Man #1's phone again
Back to the forest

That would make it a flashback inside an insert, which might look very interesting, but that's not how it's formatted.

Nice to see an on-screen phone conversation end with both parties actually saying "bye"

I have to wonder why he picked Ryan if he didn't already know.

That's a hell of an initiation ritual.

Very good effort!


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Yuvraj
Posted: June 12th, 2021, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Thank you guys for reading and commenting.


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Yuvraj
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Didn't really change much. Just a little a formatting issue so submitted an updated version.


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Zack
Posted: July 9th, 2021, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
On the first page, you have 7 consecutive lines of prose that begin with the word "He". It's very repetitive and hard on the eyes. Mix it up a bit.



This issue hasn't been addressed.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 10th, 2021, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


This issue hasn't been addressed.


I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively.

Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.


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Zack
Posted: July 10th, 2021, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj


I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively.

Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.


No problem. Good luck.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: July 10th, 2021, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj


I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively.

Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.

There is a valid reason if it becomes boring and repetitive, imho.

Thankfully Yuvraj, you've enough action and a terrific core idea to carry this script, but don't dismiss Zack's advice out of hand.  You might want to bear in mind that mixing it up for a reader adds to the readability and entertainment of a piece. You don't want to be an average writer, you want to make an impression.

Example:

He feels unsettled now. He looks for the close tab but finds
none.


Unsettled, he searches for a close tab. Finds none.

Before that you have:
He is a bit nervous now.

Unsettled, nervous - pretty much the same thing.
I'd be guessing he might be frantic at the point he's looking for the close tab.

Just suggestions. Take or leave.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  July 10th, 2021, 9:33pm
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