Slayfest by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as When the Bodies Hit the Floor - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - A couple of wannabe serial killers haul a body to a rendezvous at a secret destination when they encounter a hiker with murder on his mind. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not a fan of the way you introduce your characters. Messy. Makes for a rough start to the script. Writing, in general, is a little stilted. That said, I appreciate how you've structured this.

The body wrapping in bubble wrap... Funny stuff with all the popping. Lol

Some of the action is tough to visualize. Makes for a very slow read. Dialog is hit and miss, mostly miss.

Mortal *Kombat*!!!

Dialog gets worse as it goes. This is a really tough read. Started skimming on page 7.

"Pity you didn't bring a water
pistol, then you could have shot
him up the nose."

I liked that line. Made me laugh.

*SPOILERS*






LOVE the idea of the body wrapped in bubblewrap being the real villain, but the way you handle it in the prose is very clunky. Very hard to visualize. Robs a potentially cool moment of all its impact. "The Karenator" LMFAO

The HOODED MAN ending is a dud, IMO. Feels tacked on for a cheap surprise.

So, yeah. This one is a very mixed bag. Some sloppy writing, but I really enjoyed the concept. Clean it up a bit and you'll have a winner on your hands.

Good effort.

Should I quibble about this, given it's not dialogue?
The woman is stood behind another LADY
Probably not.

That and so many other trademarks point to a UK writer.

I'm going to say this overstayed its welcome just a tad and I think that was down to the OWC brief. We already know these guys are villains so something has to come left field. I loved the inclusion of the hiker and might have enjoyed it left as this threesome more than the complicated goings on that follows. But I was very entertained nonetheless.

Excellent work here, dialogue was spot on, character work was terrific, humour was all there - loved the guys bickering and banter, especially the MO bit and the bubble wrap.  

Reminded me of the style of Sightseers, though more focused on humour..
HorrorComedy/Satire at its finest.

Well done, Writer!
Hope this, or a version of it, gets made.

P.S. I think (I could be wrong) this style of humour might be more accessible to a UK and Antipodean audience.

Loved it!

Deffo a fellow Brit wrote this. I usually avoid such British Banter when writing for a mixed audience but I appreciate such stuff.

Cheapish to produce, if you could get permission to shoot somewhere like Snowdonia. Luckily there are lots of greenery and hills in the UK. We'll probably all be living up there in a few years when the world is flooded.

It needs a trim and a re-write to read smoother. Some of it is awkward and a bit clunky. Is Robin a serial killer too far? I'm undecided. Part of me likes him, part of me wants the Karenator to win!

  I agree with the previous reviewers. I picked up the UK dialogue. Some formatting issues. First introduction of the killer is 'HIKER'
Then the next introduction (flashback) is HENRY.  Some of the dialogue and banter was lost to me. Interesting premise.
But overall an interesting concept.

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this

It took a few pages to grasp what you were going for.  Obviously the naming of Lad 1 and Lad 2 through me off but after the flashbacks I got it.

Overall It was enjoyable and just when I thought it was finished at the end with Karenator... up pops Robin from the hood

Funny names for each character

Good entry

I really enjoyed this. The banter, the continuous goal/struggle with the body. The moment when Henry runs off still wrapped in his tent. All really good stuff and I can see it being even funnier on film than it is on paper. It was all clear, simple and entertaining - not too many characters. However, my only nitpicks happened near the end where more was introduced.

I got confused between the WOMAN and LADY in the shop scene. Just call the lady SHOPPER or something.

SPOILERS

Not sure how the Karenator tricked them into carrying her. But I still liked the reveal and was totally on board.

My only real critique was this. Seems you were having so much fun you took the story further than it needed to go. I'm Team Karenator and think the script should have ended here -

LANDLORD
Bloody hell, lads! Guess who’s only
gone and put us all to shame again?

The Karenator curtsies.

Ending it there would also make it MUCH easier to produce, as the last scene needs a bunch of new people and a lot of interior location setup. But production aside - I think the story would benefit from killing off the last killer. The reason the Karenator is so good is that she's been there all along.

If it had ended a bit earlier this would definitely be my favorite. As it is - I'm conflicted. But really good stuff.

Hi writer,

The writing here is off for me. The manner in which this script is written, I have realized is not in line with me. So, this is completely a personal criticism. However, dialogs in particular I felt were weak.  

As for the story, I will agree that it ticks right with the genre of dark comedy. The twist(also the ending) with the dead body was decent enough(although it could have been much stronger) to not derail the entire experience for me. I think specifically the writing here needs a lot of work.  

Good luck.

Ha! I loved all of it

Although the Karenator should only have tied up 3 bodies at the end, not 4 (Pete, Dave and Henry)

Great work, I thoroughly enjoyed reading that during this spout of insomnia

Hi writer,

This is written quite oddly. The characters are introduced in an odd manner, calling the characters lads is off putting. And, a character actually uses FFS in a sentence. I don't think anyone does that.

Overall, this was pretty good. It was quite fun and ticked the boxes of the challenge. A quick rewrite after the challenge to clean the bits I've brought up and this would make a thoroughly entertaining short.

Good luck,
Glenn

Cor Blimey! Quite a British romp here, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Although I have not lived in the UK for over 20 years, I still got the humour which I'm sure went over a few people's heads here. And I think that's why I had such a good time with this because it brought me back to those scallywag days living in good ol' Blighty.

And I actually loved the ending with Robin the Hood showing up late to the party. The final SUPER, going from 99 to 100 kills was a nice touch.

A good, solid and fun entry!

Writer,

I'm assuming a Brit wrote this. Would this be known as a "carry on" type of story? Felt like it. Anyway, what 's nt to like here. I loved the names of the killers -- Peter Popper and Drownin' Dave. Wonderful. Thought their banter could have been funnier, but it sufficed. The Karenator, another good one, as well as Robin From The Hood. Loved it. Overall, not excellent but a lot of fun and gets a good mark from me. Nice work!

Steve

Not a fan of the lad#1 stuff, though could see the sort of gameshow vibe you were going for.

I might have missed something, but how did they end of carrying the Karenator if neither of them killed her? Felt like a logic gap to me.

Didn't think the extra twist at the end was needed as we'd already had two.

But decently written.

Hahahaha...totally seeing the Snatch/Seven Psychopaths visual style. Most of my critiques are on formatting:

- If you introduce LAD #1, refer to them as Lad #1 in prose until revealed. "The lad" caused some confusion.
- Refrain from abbreviations in dialogue that you don't intend for an actor to speak verbatim (FFS).
- Read some of the prose aloud (especially when describing the mountain & 'Benny Hill'-type running around) and ensure it conveys what you intend.

I'm on the fence on the final 'twist,' but a large part of me likes that the 'game' is never really over.

Oh so British in all the best ways.

The skeleton is here for sure, but the flesh needs to be trimmed. (Don't mind me, I'm experimenting with Halloween-themed comments.)

I mean, on screen, this would have some true laugh-out-loud moments. On paper, there are little problems everywhere. (No worries, the paper is easy to correct.)

And, there are some logic bits to work out. For example: how can they handle 2 bodies, when together they couldn't really handle just the one?

The good? I actually really liked how you rolled the characters out. The supers were... super. The visual humor was really fun. The "game" concept is great.

The bad? I wasn't a fan of carrying things past The Karenator. You had a good ending, but blew right past it. The dialogue needs a good review. The jokes are great, but they get lost a bit. I'd recommend a couple of edit/rewrite sessions that focus just on the dialogue. It won't take much to really make it sing.

All in all, this made me smile. I'll take that any day. Good job!

Drownin’ Dave and Peter Popper’s epic trek to get the body to the pub was very entertaining. It was like two of the Three Stooges becoming serial killers, and doing a bad job of it. In fact, if a longer script is envisioned, this might be one way to go. Consequently, I was not happy that the Karenator took the boys out. And is using a bow and arrow an accepted method for serial killers to conduct business? Like firearms, a bow and arrow is a standoff weapon. Don’t serial killers get their jollies by getting up close and personal with their victims?

Hi,

Though the writing was good, I wasn't entirely sure about this at first. It was only when the penny dropped that this is a crazy horror-comedy, then, then I started to enjoy it.
Loads of laughs, proper silly - Right up my alley.

Just to show how subjective this game is - I wouldn't have liked it finishing with the Karenator winning the day - I liked the extra twist. Makes it all the more absurd. It feels like hooded man would be next and the cycle would go on all night, lol.

The ending I liked

However this is kind of naked for me. You just introduced them - 3 kills, 2 kills, 10 kills and they fight.
I kind of did't feel invested.
Reads a bit random - I was wondering about the purpose of all this. Why should they be scared of the hiker if they are killers.

So, a bit random for me.

The naming also confused me, took me out.

But there were funny moments!

Some people guessed my script in the last two OWC’s I entered so I thought I’d try something different here and embraced the bonkers British aspect, which is how I started really. I usually try to write American to fit in with the natives and just let go this time.

Some really liked it and I’m pleased, others didn’t and that is fine too. It was like a Marmite script!

I’ve picked up that most don’t like the lads being introduced as LADS and using the letters FFS in a sentence, both of which I’ve rectified. For those who didn’t like the writing in this, could you give me some examples? If not here, then just send me a DM. I’m going to do another draft and I want it to be as readable as possible.

There seems to be a split between the Karenator and Robin from the Hood. Most prefer the Karenator, so I’m thinking of ending it when she presents the bodies to the Landlord and curtsies. If anyone has strong opinions to keep Robin in and improve that scene instead, I’m all ears.

As to the inspiration from this script. Al (Britman) and I made our first short film together in 1999/2000. It was a zero-budget amateur affair, yet we had a lot of fun and it won a prize in the Manchester Festival of Fantastic Films, which surprised us more than anything. We investigated making another one and brainstormed ideas we could afford to shoot with the money in our pockets. One idea I came up with was a couple of guys carrying a body up a hill for ‘reasons’ and encountering a hiker along the way.

We never got further than the ideas stage, but I kept the notes and when this OWC presented itself, I thought I’d have a go at developing it into a script and I’m so glad I did. It brought back happy memories and felt cathartic. So, remember writers, keep all those ideas in a file, virtual or otherwise. You never know when you might use them.

Thanks again for the reads and reviews. Love them or hate them, they always help me sort out what is working and what isn’t in my scripts.

Mark, you know this was Vegemite to me.  
You got one of my few Excellent scores - bungling crime humour goes a long way with me.

FFS - yep, like you said, should be written out in full

And, I'm in the camp of stopping at the Karenator.

My overall advice is: don't change too much.

Quoted from LC Mark, you know this was Vegemite to me.   You got one of my few Excellent scores - bungling crime humour goes a long way with me. FFS - yep, like you said, should be written out in full And, I'm in the camp of stopping at the Karenator. My overall advice is: don't change too much.

Thank you. Sound advice. I am thinking of changing the title though to Slayfest to make it sound a bit different from the norm. Or do folks think it should stay as The Body?

New version is up based on the feedback and I've come up with a promo poster as well which Dom has kindly posted with the script!

Thanks again for all the comments.

This script is great. Loved reading it again.

I like the new ending. Totally works for me.

Personally not a fan of the new title. Kind of gives away the ending. Of course, I knew the ending... so, maybe I'm not the best judge. But, I'd love to see a title that's just a bit more fun...in a horrific kind of way. Of course, I offer no solutions.

Thanks for posting the new version! Great job.

Mark, so many laugh out loud lines in this.

Loved it the first time, loved it the second.

A shame the lads cop it. They really are a prize pair.

Re the title, I didn't want to be a killjoy   but seeing as PK said it first, I kinda agree. The revised title hints at the story's angle a bit too much with the 'fest' ending... Your tagline does the same though, now I look at it.

I always liked The Body for a title. It's clever with the reveal (as in Saw clever) cause I never saw it coming.

Slayers as an alternative?

I really like your poster but honestly it's a bit too pretty imho. I think it needs more blood, more splatter.

Anyway, nitpicks really.
Great job that you left it where you did in this revised draft, and lopped off the original ending.

Crossing my fingers for you it gets picked up.

UPDATE:

Slayfest is a finalist at the Austin Film Festival. There were over 10,000 submissions this year (across all categories), and I'm down to the top three for the best short screenplay award. I've got my producer's badge and ticket for the awards luncheon, so I'll be flying off to Texas next week to experience the writer's conference. This will be a big tick off my writer's bucket list!

This all came from a OWC, and the excellent, sometimes brutally honest feedback it provides. Most of my screenwriting successes started from OWC's, so if have written one you are really proud of, and it doesn't win the OWC that does not mean it's no good. If you believe in it, try and do something with it - you never know where it might lead.

So, thanks again to Don for running this site for so long and providing so many creative opportunities, and thanks to everyone who takes part and offers feedback in the one week challenges.  

BIG congratulations Mark! I know someone else who was a semi finalist in the same comp. He's a member here too. I remember because I was amazed at the number of entries.

When it comes to the OWCs, a LOT of those scripts have gone on to become films. Features even. Thanks for sticking with this site and good luck in Texas.

Huge congrats, Mark! Have fun in Texas!

James

I won at Austin!!

Mark The Slayer!!!!! Congratulations! HUGE!  

Congrats again!

Is the current script listed the winning script or is there a new draft?

Bump...

Is this the winning script?

Quoted from Warren Bump... Is this the winning script?

It is an earlier draft now, but yeah this is the script that won.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw It is an earlier draft now, but yeah this is the script that won.

Any possibility of reading the actual winner?