Devil's Due by Paul Knauer (PKCardinal) writing as Wyatt Derp - Short, Western, Suspense - A gambler's plan to rob a preacher meets unexpected resistance. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

*August 2023 Writers' Choice

This is what good story-telling is all about.
Nailed it. Love it!

Ahoy Wyatt Derp - Hmm, I must say you did a good job drawing this reader into what promises to be a well-written story. Even though I just said "well-written," I'm referring to the telling of the story... I concur with Libby - a well-told story pulls you into its world and you've certainly done that with this. I prefer a bit more meat on the bones when it comes to certain descriptions but hey -- overall, job well done. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal

This is quite smooth. I was fully pulled into the tension of the opening scene. I was locked in to see what happened thereafter.

This was a great story to read.

Hi Wyatt, really enjoyed this - I love the Western setting, the stylistic dialogue and descriptions. Lots of “voice” here, and certainly doesn’t seem like something whipped up in less than 7 days. Great work

Oh, yeah.  This one does it.  That is one way cool story.  A Twilight Zone in black and white from the vault of long-lost Rod Serling scripts.  Cool, cool, cool!

Lee Marvin is Walt
Jack Elam is the Preacher

P.S. - Cool, cool, cool...

Absolutely agree with all the previous comments - I loved this!  I'm a fan of old westerns and you've really captured the style here.  So here's my best compliment - of all the entries read so far, I would love most to see this one filmed.  So there you have my review    Double dose of thanks for creating this for this OWC!

P. S. Per Steven above, we need to resurrect Jack Elam as the preacher!

I was gonna say 'snakes don't act like that' then bang, very nice.

Loved this

I don't gamble so the first two pages was a bit boring to me. When Walt teamed up with the two to steal the bag,  I looked forward to seeing the plot development. I was surpised to see the ending. The beauty of this script was the twist. I enjoyed reading this story.

Michael

Hi Writer

You are certainly an accomplished writer, you make the world come alive with very few wasted words. A joy to read. The first half read better than the second.

Walt came across as a smart guy, so him not even considering that the other two would double cross him until the fever dream didn't seem in keeping with his character (I was half expecting him to have a plan to double cross them)

I probably would have liked a bit of foreshadowing for the whole preacher/snake element. (Even something incredibly subtle like instead of poker, they are playing craps and roll a snake-eyes)

Love the characters and their dialogue, the story was satisfying and this would probably be a joy to watch.

Thanks for sharing

Wow. Nice job, writer. I don't like westerns much, but I loved this story.
I had read the comments about a twist ending. So I thought I could get
the jump and guess what was coming. But no way, I didn't see the twist
slithering up my leg. Great story telling, great writing and never a dull
moment. Congrats.

This was horrible!

Actually... this was the best one yet.
I just had to say something different than everyone else to spice things up.

This was definitely the most movie like script I've read from this OWC.

I especially appreciated the terse writing style.

My only gripes:

1. Instead of Walt tracking them to the campsite after he wakes from his bite, that should be the place where he initially finds them after they cheat him during poker. Then he can tell them to rob the preacher and meet back here.
   
   Tracking two guys across the desert in the dark would be pretty difficult.
   
   
2. The Devil doesn't kill people, he makes them kill themselves or each other. Having the snake attack Walt at the end seems like it doesn't fit with how the Devil normally operates.
   
   If the Devil starts to kill people, then what's to stop him from just killing everyone. There has to be a choice in the death. There wasn't one with Walt.
   
   Maybe he freaks out when he sees the snake, starts shooting at it, that spooks the horse and it kicks Walt in the head, or maybe the reins get wrapped around his neck and he gets dragged into the desert.
   

Overall I enjoyed this and it doesn't make me regret my life choices.

Thanks for the read.

Hey Writer

Loved the western dialogue. Bang on, for me.

Story was all good too and met the parameters.

Thanks for the comments and the votes! These OWCs are the best.

Nomad...excellent note regarding the ending. I've been thinking a lot about it. You're right on the money. I'm not sure if I'll make changes or not, but if I were writing from scratch, I would definitely go that direction. Still might.

Mathew...there is one tiny bit of foreshadowing on page one, but only for the reader. The Preacher "snakes" through the room. I'm embarrassingly proud of that one.

Fantastic writing, as expected. Love the way you write prose, dude. So smooth, so visual.

Excellent dialog as well. Very well-drawn characters. Damn, it's no wonder this one turned out to be a winner. A helluva script that you put together here, Paul.

I do agree with Nomad, regarding the ending. The Devil shouldn't do the killing himself. That's beneath him. Other than that, I've got no complaints.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I've suddenly got an uncontrollable urge to play some Red Dead Redemption.