You're welcome, man.  

Lee

@ Leegion - I've gone over your notes three times already! You absolutely made my day! Cheers, buddy!

Gary

It's good that people take the time out of their read to spot typos for you.

Me?  I can't do that.  If I stopped to make a note of every typo for a writer it would take me out of the read big time.

So right on, Lee!  Good stuff for doing that.  

Hey Gary, as promised, here are my thoughts on your script, Offline.

As I mentioned in one of your reviews of my script, I like how you start with a SPOILER ALERT.  So, I’ll do the same here.

SPOILER ALERT – THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS, AND SINCE THIS IS A MYSTERY, PROCEED WITH CAUTION IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE SCRIPT.

There’s a lot I want to say here.  The majority will be my views and personal opinions, but some things will be based on what I call proper technical script writing and format.  I started taking page by page notes (which are attached at the end), but I stopped rather quickly, as I was spending way too much time being a stickler, and we’d be in for a quadruple post.

I read this Friday and have been trying to organize my thoughts and feelings since then.  I wasn’t very successful in doing either, so this will move in random order, as things hit me that I know I want to bring up.  Let’s get to it…

WRITING

I actually opened this up when it was first posted and quickly (within 1 page) closed it, as the staccato style of writing was very off-putting for me.  I did follow along as feedback started rolling in and have seen all the praise you’ve received, which is great…but my first subject to discuss is the actual writing and the style you’ve chosen to use.

Obviously, many readers and writers enjoy a quick staccato style of writing, which is very sparse in terms of visual images, does not contain full sentences, and often, doesn’t even include full thoughts.  Many Pro scripts are written like this, and I have to imagine that’s why writers try and adopt such a style.

It’s definitely not for me, however, and I’d say the same things to a Successful Pro writer that I would to an amateur writer.

IMO, it’s a very tough read. It’s not a pleasurable read.  And, it’s not a visual read.

You’ve received lots of feedback, saying how quick and easy a read it is, but IMO, that’s actually deceiving, and I honestly think that readers can and are deceived by this style of writing.  Let me explain myself…

Looking over your first 10 pages, I see a total of seven 3 line passages (this in itself is not a bad thing!).  The vast majority are only 1 line.  Many of those 1 liners are a single word or several words.  What does this mean?  Well, it obviously means that the writing is very sparse and there’s not much here, which accounts for the comments about being a breeze to read, etc.

At only 85 pages, the script is “short” by most standards, but the reality here is that this is “very short”, based on the staccato style you used.  Take into account the very limited locations (changes in setting/Slugs) and characters, and the fact that the vast majority of the prose is dialogue, and IMO, you’ve got about an hour long finished product on your hands, at best, which to me, is far too short.

The biggest complaints I have with the actual writing is the lack of visuals, the awkward (to me) prose (non complete sentences, incorrect punctuation), and the constant use of unfilmables, asides, and “tells”.  But, I also understand that many like this, many utilize it, and many see nothing wrong with it.  I can’t and don’t want to tell you how to write or how not to write, but I will always make my feelings known.

Another issue is your Slug use.  To me, good, solid Slugs can add so much to a Spec script.  They can add so much information and visuals, while not taking up any additional space, and for me, space (actual lines with prose/info) is King.

Keeping with that thought, for me, “setting your scene” is also key, and it starts with a strong, visual Slug, followed by visual descriptors that “set the scene”.  IMO, you haven’t done a very good job on that account, even though the vast majority of the script is set in a single, simple location.  Many have applauded you for your Mini’s here – “LATER”, “MOMENTS LATER”, “NIGHT”, “DAY, etc.  For me, however, again, I just can’t get much of a visual picture from these.

So, in summation, I understand how and why some will applaud this as a “lean” quick read, but IMO, it’s both a tough read and it’s deceiving, based on the style being used.

STORY

Although I thought I’d really dislike the story (especially since it’s set in pretty much 1 location and has very little actual action), that turned out not to be the case.  I did enjoy this little mystery as it played out and I have to applaud you for making that happen.

Very little actually happens, but you wrote this in a way that draws the reader in and makes us want to both know what happens and figure out what is going to happen.  That’s a big plus and IMO, very difficult to do successfully.

For me, it moves a little too slow and far too little actually happens, but this is obviously based on the story you chose to tell…and how you chose to tell it.  You succeeded when it’s all said and done.

IMO, it’s an early mistake to reveal Dave in the hospital.  I see why you did it and it “works” potentially as a red herring, or maybe a misdirection is the better way to put it, but red herrings and misdirections are a risk, because savvy readers (and viewers) may catch on and make assumptions that prove to be correct.  I’d seriously consider taking out the hospital scene completely and go right from the “accident” to Dave in his bedroom, 4 weeks later.  I think most would lose the consideration that Dave is actually dead (or in a coma), if we didn’t see the hospital scene at all.

I also think it’s a mistake to reveal Debbie is a ghost in your logline.  I actually didn’t read the logline, as you sent me the latest draft, so until it’s actually revealed that Debbie is a ghost, I wasn’t sure – I began to have my suspicions, but this is something I actually enjoyed – not knowing for sure.

You set up a nice little mystery in both Debbie and the Lunar Looney and although for me, it moved too slowly, you did manage to draw me in, as Dave set out to solve the mystery and “save” the next victim.

You’ll see in my notes that as I read, I basically ticked off each potential suspect, but didn’t know who was going to prove to be our Antag.  BUT, and this is a big but, there were so few potential suspects and as it works out, the actual “killer” isn’t intro’d until very late in the script, it loses a lot of its impact and even power as we go along.

Basically, what I’m saying is this – you did a good job on the mystery aspects, but with only a total of 5 potential suspects (2 of which, by name, at least, we never actually see), one can pretty easily throw out a guess or assumption and have a 33% chance of being correct.  But again, I also understand that this was your choice in writing such a contained script.

When it’s clear on Page 66, who the killer actually is, it’s a little bit of a letdown for me, because of the little screen time he/she had (I think this person was actually intro’d on Page 50 or so).  And after we get the rather clichéd rundown, directly from the killer’s mouth on why they did what they did, it kind of dragged this down further, as in, why?  really?  And, I see.

BUT, even though I was pretty sure Dave wasn’t what he seemed, you did a good job with your finale, and it had good scares, tension, and the final twist reveal, although, again, I was pretty sure from literally Page 1 that was the situation (or something similar).

I was not fond of the Flashbacks near the end.  I think there’s got to be a better way to show this, but I’m not sure right now what to recommend or even suggest.

I also wasn’t fond of the Antag’s demise.  It just didn’t play out real or believable to me, and the final “fall” may actually play out rather comically onscreen – not sure, but it was intense up to that point and I bet there’s a better ending.

BUT (you like all these “buts” – LOL) the final, final ending is strong…even touching,  as Dave and Debbie get together and walk off into the light.  And IMO, that’s due to the…

CHARACTERS AND DIALOGUE

Writing engaging characters is always tough, even when the sky’s the limit in what they have to do and interact with.  In such a contained environment and with so few actual characters, it’s very difficult, and IMO, you did great in this regard.

I think I said early on in my notes that I couldn’t relate very well to Dave, as he’s pretty much 180 degrees away from myself or the vast majority of peeps I associate with.  But, I grew to like him (even though I was pretty sure he wasn’t what he seemed to be).  Same with Debbie.  There was a cuteness to their relationship and conversations/interactions.

Since everything here up until the end is dialogue based, it obviously holds true that the reasons these characters worked, was based on what they said and how they said it.

Even Mei and Trexler worked for the most part.  Mei was an interesting, mysterious character and her dialogue totally worked.  You captured the Chinese dialect well and for me, she even worked as some comic relief.   Trexler’s dialogue was very sharp at times.  She was evil and menacing for sure, but also had a certain level of humor in what she said and how she said it.

IMO, this is where you definitely shined – with characters and their dialogue and this is where most writers fail miserably, so a big Kudos on that!

SUMMARY

So, it’s hopefully clear that IMO, there are plusses and minuses here.

Personally, I don’t like the style of writing you chose to use.  Actually, I detest it.  The asides always are a killer for me.  Normally, I wouldn’t continue reading when I come across this.

The story works pretty well for what it is you wanted to write about.  It’s tough conceiving an entertaining tale with so few locations, characters, and action.  And, when it’s mystery based, it’s even tougher.  You succeeded here when all is said and done, but, for me at least, that’s due to the…

…strong characters and dialogue, where you excelled.  If your characters and their dialogue didn’t work, this would be a dull groaner of a script, but that’s not the case.  You kept me engaged throughout and as I said above, I really liked the closing image you left us with.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Now, for the not so good news, but keep in mind, this is merely my personal opinion.

As Reaper said, my biggest fear is that this would be picked up and turned into a micro/no budget DTV.  Without the proper talent associated, it could be terrible onscreen. Even with the proper talent and some kind of budget, as written, I see major problems.

First of all, there’s not nearly enough here for a feature.  Your 85 pages, as written would doubtfully even be an hour of film.  And the hour that we’d get would be extremely slow for the most part, with literally nothing but talking heads, in very uninteresting locales.

What works on the page, doesn’t always transfer well to film, and I think this script and the writing style you employed would be a good example of this – as in, the holes that I brought up would become more obvious.  Asides may work for some on paper, but they do not transfer to film at all.

But, I honestly believe there are some things you could do to overcome the above.  First and foremost is adding “more” action – maybe by having Dave able to see through the eyes of the killer early on. Maybe even start with an earlier kill to set the stage and get things moving.  I think the Mei character needs to be reworked, so that we actually see her (she’d obviously not be Chinese anymore though – LOL!).  Maybe even have Dave’s father alive and in the script, just to add some time and another potential suspect.

No matter what you end up deciding to do, understand that 85 pages of this staccato style writing and 85% of it being dialogue, does not transfer to an 85 minute movie.

Overall, again, I want to congratulate you for what you achieved here.  We all have our own preferences for writing styles and even genres and the like.  You’ve crafted a good tale here and you did it by writing solid characters who come across as real people, who speak and act like real people.  Dave and Debbie’s relationship is very well done and that’s very tough to pull off.

Good work here, Gary!

PAGE BY PAGE NOTES

Page 1 – Opening Slug is very broad and not visual, IMO.  As this scene plays out, it becomes obvious that a more exact Slug is required.

“Full moon shimmers.” – Not sure why peeps omit the opening word (“A” or “The”) of sentences like this.  IMO, it reads awkwardly, doesn’t save any real space, definitely doesn’t add anything, and is a mistake I see quite often.

“Perched on a branch, the dark silhouette of a CROW... Watching... Waiting...” – OK, first of all, this line doesn’t belong in the same passage as your first 2 sentences.  It’s a different thought entirely and should be its own passage.  BUT, also, it’s awkwardly written, IMO.  Don’t get me wrong, I love using ellipses’, but here, they don’t quite work.

SIDE NOTE – I know that the technically correct way to use an ellipse is to skip a space after (like you did), but using a capitalized word doesn’t make much sense to me.  Personally, I do not skip a space after an ellipse because when using an ellipse, it’s all 1 continuing sentence, and I never want to line break on an ellipse.

“Suddenly,…” – I would advise not to use words/phrases like “suddenly” or “all of a sudden”, unless it really is necessary.  IMO, it’s a waste and usually comes off as goofy.

“The crow takes flight.  Soars ominously in the moonlight.” – First of all, these 2 sentences should be joined together with a comma.  You’ll find that when you do this, the read becomes quicker, if for no other reason, the mind sees a period and associates a full stop in the read.  Secondly, the 2nd sentence here, isn’t a sentence – it’s a fragment.  I know…I know…scripts don’t have to always contain full sentences, but here, and in most cases, it will read better and quicker, using a comma instead of a period.  Finally, “in the moonlight” sounds odd.  I’d recommend “into the moonlight”.

I know I’m being picky and have pretty much brought up an issue in each and every line so far.  I don’t mean to offend, and if you disagree or just don’t care about this level of detail, please ignore. The more I read, the less detail I’ll bring up, but these kinds of details will most likely come into play throughout your writing, so if you see something you agree with, look for it throughout and make appropriate changes.

“MOMENTS LATER” – Nothing wrong with a Mini Slug here, but as I said above, your opening Slug (that we’re still in) is so nonvisual, I really don’t know where we are or what I’m supposed be seeing/visualizing, and more importantly, Dave is moving, so after “MOMENTS LATER”, is he really still in the same Slug?

I’m not a fan of this short, staccato writing style, because I can’t visualize anything, and in reality, you’re really not even saving lines by using it, as you’re continually skipping lines, because most of your passages are only 1 line long.  You end your opening passage under the Mini Slug with an orphan, so you used 2 lines that may read “well” or even “exciting” to some, but the reality is that you said very little.

Your description of Dave is actually unfilmable.  No way in the world anyone will see or know that he’s “shy” and “sweet natured”, as he runs for his life.  Know what I’m saying?

I don’t understand the use of dashes followed by new sentences (if you use a Capped word, it’s a new sentence).

OK, so now, he’s on a suspension bridge, which, IMO, is definitely a new Slug – this is where he is.  This is where the action is taking place.  Instead, you use another Mini Slug – OUT OF THE FOG.  I understand this is an alternative style to screenwriting, and I’ve seen examples of when it works, and even works well, but it’s difficult to master, and IMO, this isn’t working for me at all, sorry to say.

“18”, “40” – using actual numbers in scripts is a no no.  Obviously, there are times when you can and should use numbers, but not in the way you’re doing it here.  If nothing else, see how it sticks out every time you do this?

The more I read, the more difficult it is for me to see anything, as your writing style is so filled with prose or novelistic “features” and descriptors, as well as unfilmables, asides, and “tells”.

“Just then…” – again, this is a very novelistic touch and really has no place in a screenplay.

Page 2 – I think it’s best not to comment any further on the writing style or choices you’ve made, as I’d be all over every line and that’s not going to benefit anyone.

I will point out that “FADE IN:” should be left aligned.

I always have my SUPERS following the new Slug, as I doubt your intention is to have this SUPER over a blank screen – know what I mean?

In order to see his legs in such detail, he’s obviously lying there uncovered?

Obviously, Dave is some sort of super geek, right?  I mean, he’s 18 and he has Star Wars figures and a poster of Captain Jack Sparrow on his wall?  Sounds like he’s much younger, but I don’t really associate with such types, so…who knows.

Page 3 – A box of women’s shoes?  Hmm, now I’m really getting worried about Dave…or is this some sort of foreshadowing?  We’ll see.

Page 5 – Is this “OLD MANTEL CLOCK” in the room with him?  If not, it’s a mistake as written.

Gary, I don’t mean to be an ass, but the asides and cheese filled descriptors are mounting and I really, REALLY detest them…completely takes me out of the read…and makes it so clear this is a read and not a visual journey.

Page 7 – OK, I’m confused.  Are Dave and Debbie actually speaking?  Are we watching her on the computer screen?

Page 8 – Linda actually smashes the radio with a claw hammer?  For reals?

On the bottom of Page 9, the clock strikes midnight and we seem to be in “real time” here.  Then, on the middle of Page 11, it’s now 1:00 AM.  This isn’t written correctly, as time has obviously passed, yet you didn’t give us any new Mini Slug to show that time passed.

Well, I’m struggling here, as this isn’t my cup of tea, and it seems we’re in for quite a few more pages of dialogue in his bedroom.  I have to assume both Dave and Debbie are ghosts or Dave is in a coma or the like.

Page 13 – listen…here’s a great example of why I am having so much trouble visualizing pretty much everything taking place.  You say that the Captain Jack calendar (I thought it was a poster earlier) displays today’s date, June 2nd.  How does it do that?  This is one of many, many, many instances in which you’re merely telling us info, as opposed to showing it, like a script needs to do.  Does that make sense?

Page 14 – “She studies his nervous demeanor.  Visibly relaxes.” – OK, so again, I just can’t visualize exactly what we’re supposed to be seeing.  The scene is in his bedroom and I realize she’s on the computer webcam, but what are we watching with this line?  It seems like it’s just her face looking out.

Page 15 – When you go to an “insert” or the like, you have to “return to scene” somehow.

Page 19 – The “MAN’s” dialogue has to be (V.O.), right?  Same with Mei Li.

So, Mei Li seems quite odd and her calls don’t seem real.  Quite sure Dave must be dead or he’s in a coma and imagining this, but his Mom, Linda’s actions seem to derail this assumption.  We’ll see where we go.

Page 50 – A new character is intro’d – finally.  We’ve heard of her and I now have to believe we have our full cast of characters set (since the potential killer, Brad, never materialized).  So, we have Linda, Mei Li, and Trexler as our potential Antags – unless Dave really does turn out to be the killer.  It’s a good mystery and difficult to impossible to know who will be the actual Antag.

Page 60 – “The door almost comes of its hinges…” – “off” – Same mistake on Page 76.

@ Dreamscale - Wow! Jeff! - You've really gone above and beyond in your feedback for Offline! Thanks, man.

I don't think I've ever had anyone dislike my writing style as much as you appear to have! Lol. Truth is, I admire your honesty. My "quick staccato style of writing" is a deliberate choice on my part. I favor a fast read and try to keep description to a bare minimum. I understand not everyone likes this style and I don't have a problem with that. It's just the way I prefer to write.

That said, your notes have made me think about maybe making my writing more visual, (especially as I enjoyed your  very visual style of writing!).  

You made some valid points about formatting, particularly my use of slugs. Personally, I hate sluglines! Lol. If I had my way they'd only appear in a shooting script! Often, when I read a script, particularly if it's a good script, I find myself skipping the slugs and simply concentrating on the action/dialog. I've heard it said more than once, that industry folks only read the dialog anyway! Lol.

On a more serious note, I loved that you gave the story a chance, and appeared to enjoy it! Coming from a talented writer such as yourself, that's a great thing to hear! Thanks, man.

I'm especially pleased that you liked the characters and the dialog! That's great to know!

As regards the logline, I agree that it's probably best not to reveal Debbie's a ghost. I was advised that any twist that comes before the inciting incident should be included in the logline - On reflection, I think that advice was wrong!

I see your point that "85 pages of this staccato style writing and 85% of it being dialogue, does not transfer to an 85 minute movie." However, I think a skilled director could film this as is, and achieve a running time of 85 minutes. ( I might be wrong - would be interesting to find out! Lol).

Using the description line: "Enough 'Star Wars' figures to start a rebellion" on page 2 as an example - If I were filming this, I'd slowly pan across the entire room, every single nook and cranny, highlight the vast array of 'Star Wars' figures, probably zoom in on some of the more important characters like Darth Vader etc.

What is in effect, an eight word sentence, would take up quite a bit of actual screen time.

Moreover, sometimes it's difficult to predict how long a script will run when filmed. I remember reading a draft of Chris Sparling's 'Buried' that was only 82 pages long and though I enjoyed the story, I thought it was way overwritten and if filmed would 'run' for an hour at best. Similarly, the draft of 'Winter's Bone' I read was only 73 pages long! Yet, if memory serves me right, the movie 'ran' for 90 minutes or more?

Regardless of who's right or wrong on this point, I think it's pretty obvious that you put a considerable amount of thought and effort into constructing these notes, and for that, I'm truly grateful!

I'm definitely going to keep referring to these notes from now on, so please don't think your time was wasted. I assure you it was not!!

Great job, Jeff! Thanks, buddy.

Gary (rolo)

The draft I have of Place Beyond the Pines goes 116 pages but the film I saw was 140 minutes.

Sometimes it varies.

Glad that you received an overall positive review from Jeff

Hey Gary, glad my feedback helps.  Also glad you took it the way it was intended - as help and my personal opinions.

I don't want to argue with you or Reap...or anyone for that matter, but I do want to address the page length/writing style, and the script specifics here, that affect the length this would run in a filmed version.

First of all, I think we all know the "rule of thumb" about 1 page of text equaling 1 minute of screen time.  It is a rule of thumb and does not always apply - it definitely doesn't apply on a page by page basis.

There are several factors that need to be taken into consideration, but overall, it will usually apply, if you take a strict consideration of exactly what's written, to what will be filmed, which is rarely the case when it's all said and done.

First of all, if you have a vast script that covers long periods of time and many different characters and sets, you'll find the page length will increase, as more text is required for description, action, set intros, and character intros. It's just the way it is and there's really no way around it.

Same goes for scripts with lots of action.  Unless you decide not to write out any action in any detail, there's no way around this either.  Take a script that involves big battles involving many characters.  It takes more words, more writing, and thus, more space, to write this out in a way that readers will be able to follow...and see what you're trying to get across.

And, dialogue heavy scripts also run longer on page than they will onscreen.  Throw in dialogue between multiple characters, and again, more space is taken up, based on proper formatting.

For instance, if you have a conversation between 2 characters and say, 6 characters, which will run longer on the page?  The 6 character conversation, of course, because of the extra dialogue boxes (and blank lines before and after each).

Same goes with short dialogue "bursts" vs. longer dialogue blocks.  Each time a character speaks, a dialogue box is necessary, thus, more lines used on the page, and a longer script that won't necessarily run longer in a filmed version.

The situation here is very obvious to me.  We have basically 2 characters for the vast majority of the script, talking back and forth to each other, with very little action taking place - almost no action for the vast majority of the script.  And, it's all in 1 setting, which is a simple bedroom.

A page of all dialogue runs as long as that dialogue takes to be spoken - Period.  No way around it.  Sure, there are pauses here and there, but depending on what kind of dialogue it is, it's going to be spoken quickly.

A simple quick test would be to see how much dialogue there actually is, in terms of lines, compared to action/description lines, and "all other lines" which are transitions, dialogue boxes, etc.  You can quickly "run" the dialogue in your head, out loud, whatever, and see how long it takes for a page of it. I'm 100% sure you'll find that it takes far less than 1 minute, because most of this is simple back and forth conversation between 2 peeps.

Same will actually go with your action/description lines, as this plays out in a bedroom, which means, once we see the bedroom and whatever needs or wants to be shown, the scene doesn't even shift away from the bedroom - time just passes O.S., and we're back right where we were, only now it's either night or day.

For instance, if your script had multiple scenes where different characters were driving in a car to various places, or past various "things", there are lots of choices a director could make - film EXT shots of the location, INT shots of the peeps in the car, cut back and forth between each, etc.  In a single set, in this case a bedroom, there aren't those options available, and no one is going to want to watch extended scenes of Dave or Debbie's face looking out.

The reason I brought this up originally, is because IMO, it's really the biggest issue this script currently has.  There's just no way imaginable that this will run more than 65 minutes,a dn I actually think it wold clock in at less than 60 minutes.

Hope this makes sense and gets you thinking about what you could add or do to make this issue go away.

Best of luck with this, Gary.  Take care.

You won't argue with anybody, Jeffro.  

I agree on the page count.  It is too short.  Maybe an extra 10 is needed?

My own method of testing how long my script would run (or to get a general idea):  I'll sit down and read it as it would play out on screen, speaking the dialogue and everything.  Of course, I do it the way I would film it.  There's just some scripts I won't let any director have...unless they are Scorsese or somebody.

@ Dreamscale - Jeff, regarding Offline's page length, you make some excellent points! When I finished the latest draft, I was mindful that the page length was on the short side (85 pages). To be honest, I was tempted to pad it out, by having the two leads, Dave and Debbie, play some more of their movie quotes game etc. But I realized that it wouldn't enhance the story any, or move it forward. Rather, it was just padding!

Because the page length is obviously an issue, and your comments do indeed make sense and have got me thinking what I could add or do to make the issue go away, I'm currently brainstorming new scenes that will hopefully enhance the story rather than merely pad it out.

Thanks so much for your input, Jeff! Cheers, buddy.

@ Reaper550 - Have to thank you again for getting behind Offline like you have! Not only that, you've given me some great suggestions on some of the scripts to read on this site. As well as some great advice on reading other folks scripts too. (I plan to do lots more reading!)

Best of all, not only have you made me feel welcome here, you've actually made me want to contribute more! - Up until recently, I was an infrequent visitor to Simply Scripts - Here mostly to listen to Babz Buzz and occasionally read the Script of the Day.

That I want to stick around and help were I can, as well as learn were I can, is mostly down to you! Thanks, buddy!

Yeah, never pad your script to lengthen the page count.

It'll ruin the pacing and the story.

Just reevaluate a few things from a different perspective.

And then do a re-write.

And glad to hear you're making yourself at home on SS.  

Get to reading those scripts I recommended!  

p.s. you're welcome for the support.  

Gary, I agree with Reap for the most part about padding a script, but, IMO, it really comes down to what kind of padding you're really talking about.

In your example about all the various Star Wars figures, or the "game" Dave and Debbie play, no...not a good idea, as I doubt anyone would enjoy watching more of this to the point where it actually increases page count or run time.

But, there are ways you can increase both page count and run time that would benefit the script.  Some may call some of these ways "padding", but it always comes down to why and how you do it.

For instance, adding to character depth, motivations or better establishing characters is good.  Upping the thrills and scares is great.  Adding to the story/plot is great.

You should have a reason, whether it's right or wrong, for everything you include in your script.

In regards to page count and this padding thing, how about adding an extra few pages detailing the "victims" of "Jimmy"?

Maybe have Dave surf the web looking for how many victims this "Jimmy" has killed, when they were killed, etc.

Lee

@ Dreamscale - Re: Your suggestions/ways for increasing page count for Offline: "Adding to character depth, motivations or better establishing characters is good.  Upping the thrills and scares is great.  Adding to the story/plot is great."

I think they are all pretty solid! Thanks, Jeff. Take care.

@ Leegion - Having Dave doing some investigative work via the web into how and when the victims were killed is certainly something to think about. And I'm sure I could add an additional scene or two! Though I'd obviously have to be careful not to overdo it, given the abundance of webcam and surfing that takes place in the story already, as I'd be worried it might make the story seem more static? However, combined with Jeff's suggestion of "upping the thrills and scares" it may work.  Cheers, Leegion.

Thanks for your input guys! Much appreciated!!

Hey Rolo,

Checked this one out based on a recommendation. I liked it. It took a little bit for me to get into this, but as the twists started unfolding, it became a real page turner.

The writing was okay, but the pacing was a bit off for me... the first half of the script felt rushed. Everything moved at such a break-neck speed even though there wasn't much action going on, mostly dialogue. I felt that you didn't give your scenes a chance to breathe before transitioning to the next scene. You kind of just jump into those mini slugs, which are mostly LATER, DAY, NIGHT -- I know it all takes place in the same room pretty much (which is hard to pull off, but you do it fairly well), but there must be another way to indicate the transition from DAY to NIGHT... maybe ANGLE ON the window and show the sun rise (NIGHT to DAY).

Also, with contained scripts, I'd suggest being more specific with the SLUGS in terms of different areas of the room. Maybe instead of a lap top (why would a ghost have a lap top BTW? Is it his mother's?) make it a desktop and have a WORK STATION (mini slug) as part of the room. And maybe have BED or BY THE WINDOW as other mini slugs.

You also have a lot of asides, which I didn't mind, but some do. The script is only 85 pages, which I think is fine for a film that pretty much takes place in one location, but some of your descriptions of main characters are pretty long and there was about a half-page description dedicated to DAVE'S BEDROOM. So the page length may be deceiving.

I know it's the only setting in the whole film, but I'm sure you can fit a good description in a paragraph. Or describe parts of the room as Dave is at those locations:

WORK DESK

A Pirates of the Carribean poster hangs above.

Or something like that.

What I liked most about this were the twists of course. Sure, it had the Sixth Sense twist (main character dead the whole time) and even had a similar way of showing the reveal (FLASHBACKS with Linda speaking to him and he's not there).

I liked the twist with Linda. For a second there, I thought she was the killer, especially after she shows Dave her new shoes, so good job with the deception there.

I hated the Trexler twist at first (her being the killer) mainly because she kind of just shows up at the end of the story... but the 2nd twist with her being Mei made me change my mind -- even though you never show her face (which also bothered me at first at the beginning -- of course, learning the twist, I changed my mind), she still plays a major role early in the story.

The tone threw me off a bit. Very offbeat, borderline silly, over the top at times... with the whole shoe thing, reminded me of an episode of Married With Children (where Al, a women's shoe salesman, has to figure out a crime and, of course, he finds the killer using his knowledge of shoes).

And I thought Trexler's death was a bit silly, her falling out of the window, though I liked how Dave ripped off his leg bandages.

Here's a few random notes I made as I read:

Page 1 - Muscles swimming in an ocean of adrenaline.

I liked some of your descriptive lines, but I thought this was a bit overboard, like something I'd read in a poem or something. It comes across as abstract and doesn't really evoke an image.

Page 2-3: Almost a half a page dedicated to describing Dave's room. Page count may be deceiving, especially with mostly one line action blocks throughout.

Page 3: Two paragraphs used to describe his mother. It was a good description, but you can probably compress that into one paragraph.

Page 12: No problem w/ underlining and CAPPING STAB WOUNDS but...

Page 13: I assumed she was a ghost by the date on the calendar, no need to tell us that she's a ghost in the action block in all caps w/ exclamation point.

Back to page 12: Ka-boom as somewhat of an aside -- thought there was a loud bang or explosion at first.

Page 36: Hmm... and just like that, he hacks into a police file? A little too easy, feels like a quick solution to provide the viewer (and Dave) with information important to the plot/back story.

Page 38-39: So, after a half-page conversation, an hour goes by? The first bell marks midnight and he immediately turns on his computer and talks to Debbie, then after their brief exchange, the bell rings again and it's one.

Page 52: Trexler scene... hmm... no warrant? And she just enters the house and takes the phone? I'll suspend my disbelief for story's sake.

Forget about the above comment, it makes sense later.

Anyway man, this was a solid read. You can definitely add a few pages here, though, maybe add more depth to the characters, particularly Linda (she comes off as crazy and erratic for most of the story, then is all I love you son at the end). Maybe give her longer scenes? I just feel like a lot of the scenes are rushed, kinda makes Linda's turnaround at the end feel out of nowhere despite the twist that Dave was dead the whole time.

And I think you need to let your scenes breathe a little bit... come up with better ways to transition from DAY to NIGHT. And explore that BEDROOM a little bit. You can have WORK DESK, CLOSET, AT THE DRESSER, etc as mini slugs. Make the room feel bigger than it is.

Nice job, man.

-- Michael