Quoted from LC The nuclear power plant throws me. As part of the opening description I kept thinking it had some intrinsic part to play but I don't think it does.

I may not show it, but it's about 5 miles down the beach from where the lighthouse is. If you look east you can't not see it. It's hard to work around it and it's an eye sore.

Quoted from LC I love the atmosphere of this. A lighthouse is a perfect setting. I imagine it wouldn't be easy to Film on the one hand, but on the other could be spectacularly beautiful.

It's going to be extremely difficult to film there. We have to lug all the gear about a 20 minute walk down the beach. And we have to stay the night to catch the sunrise there. The gates don't open to let you back into the beach until dawn.

Quoted from LC I risk being unpopular here but honestly the story was a bit underwhelming for me. The drama seems to get to a point but then is diffused somehow. I got to the point of thinking something terrible was going to happen and then there didn't appear to be consequences for Lara at all. I also found Florence's comments about 'losing time' contradictory. Is Florence even necessary? I found her a bit annoying. The losing years off your life as a trade-off (and her being able to enter another dimension to see her child) were the most compelling parts of the story for me, and really made me sit up and take notice. I just wanted more.

Pretty sure you share the popular opinion on this. This story is a lot more ho-hum than I thought it was. I have about 6 weeks to rethink this thing through and I don't want to put us all through a rough night of no sleep to make a pretty mediocre short. So I'm happy I was fortunate enough to get some reads from people who I know could be honest about it.

Quoted from LC I do know your filming gets better and better with each outing so regardless I know you'll do a great job.

Appreciate the compliment and thank you for the notes. We're all just trying to get a little better than we were yesterday.

Cheers,

James

Hey James,
Giving this a bump. I hope to get a critique on Breakwater by the end of the day.

Hey James,

This story is a departure from your usual dip into dark waters. That's not a bad thing.
But I suspect that your unfamiliarity with this genre has caused the missteps.

I half agree with what most have posted.

The beginning seems flat. The story plays out a bit backward. Define who Florence
is as a character. John should be 86ed. Get rid of the "trading of years" for time
spent with Gavin. Keep the suicide attempt. I'm middle-of-the-road on Lara giving up
her ring to bring Gavin back. Definitely do not like the ending with Lara driving off with
Florence.

I side with Nomad on this point.

Quoted Text I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step.

Lara's ascent to the lighthouse could use a VO to engage us — tell us about the lighthouse. Maybe set up the tone of the story. A haunted lighthouse or a beacon of light and hope?
Why not make Florence the guardian of the lighthouse. The caretaker who knows its history. And Florence has the keys to the padlock and front door. She might even live on the bottom level.

James said:

Quoted Text I thought of her as someone who looks like she'd work behind a beaded curtain with a crystal ball. Like a fortune teller or card reader.

Okay, then maybe Florence is a gypsy fortune teller, who runs a fortune telling business on the lower level.

When Lara arrives, she is already at her lowest point emotionally. She has come here (secretly) to commit suicide. I think Florence (not John) talks her down from the edge. A good opportunity to utilize your dialogue writing skills about the "others" who have come for the same reason.

Flo knows that Lara is agnostic. Lara might have her fortune read by Florence early on.

She can ask Lara what she would give up to see her son again. Does Lara have the faith and power of belief? Maybe this is where Lara's "ring" comes into play. Florence can seemingly vanish while Lara wishes, quietly pleads for Gavin's return. The sun sets as Lara hopes and waits.

James said:

Quoted Text This was like therapeutic writing from my agnostic point of view. I don't believe there's anything after this, but I hope there is. And I didn't want to show it through the lens of a church or any religion. But, that also means I haven't really removed myself from the story and my point of view on it is jaded.

That's the key to this story. Lara wants to believe, but can't... until Gavin's arrival.

BTW, I did't care for the way Gavin arrived.

Quoted Text There is a tug at her pant leg. She looks down and sees GAVIN, 5, smiling up at her.

I would prefer Gavin appear in a more "celestial" or dreamy way. Maybe Lara falls asleep waiting, and then Gavin's there. He touches her and she awakens. Something like that.
Perhaps it's just me, but I don't want to hear Gavin speak.

Gavin is Lara's Epiphany.

I can't see her contemplating suicide after being with him again. Lara might be confused and frustrated that she didn't get to say "goodbye," but now she knows that there is an afterlife, where Gavin and John are waiting for her — when her time comes.

James said:

Quoted Text I really wanted the ghost in the lighthouse to be the reason she endures. I tried to imagine someone who lost everything. Her child and husband, probably on the same day in a tragic event. The only thing that would keep her going is the notion that she will see them again.

Lara has hope now.
Dave suggested that Lara could be pregnant. That creates interesting possibilities.

I agree with your Montage scenes.

James said:

Quoted Text The way I imagine this is as a slow motion montage of them reconnecting during the voice over. And it just makes this part easier to film. It won't require any acting on part of the 5 year old. We just have to catch his laughter and smiles on camera here and there.

You have Lara and Gavin playing, going through a magazine, eating crackers and playing with stuffed animals. I'd like to make the suggestion of them doing some art. Both could use crayons to draw pictures.

Or maybe they end the night on the Lighthouse walk. Holding hands and staring at the stars.

If Lara wants to think of Gavin as a ghost, then so be it. Do you think Lara believes Gavin is just a ghost or that he actually exists in another realm (Paradise)? Or does Lara think there is NO connection between Gavin the ghost and an afterlife??

When Gavin disappears before daybreak, I can see Lara being quite distraught. She can't find any trace of him. She never got to say 'goodbye.' She wonders was this all a dream?

Here is where Dave's suggestion of Lara being pregnant might work.
Gavin's spirit leaves something in place of Lara's ring. I say it's his Drawing.

Florence:

Quoted Text At sunset, leave your most cherished belonging in the lamp room...  Whatever you gave up in there comes back to you someday when you least expect it.

I think what comes back to Lara is a message from Gavin.
The message is hidden in the drawing. Maybe it's the family in a paradise world. John, Lara, Gavin and... the unborn child Lara is carrying. A happy foursome. She didn't see it earlier.

That's the sign she needs. That gives Lara is a reason to go on living.

Or, an alternate thought on this.

If you don't want to go the pregnancy route, the drawing could be a MacGuffin. We never see it.
But Lara looks into the drawing and it changes her. She is enlightened.
Now she believes in something greater than her existence on earth.

Lara will realize that it was never about saying goodbye, but that we'll meet again down the road.

Maybe some of this works for you. Or maybe all this rambling is sparking new ideas. Either way, good luck.

Great location. Love it, love it, love it! It deserves a feature. A Lighthouse-esque subtextual horror.

I enjoyed the opening of the script. That there's a nuclear power plant nearby offers an explanation for the magic at the lighthouse. I enjoyed also the relationship with the plant and people baking under the sun. I think a director can really use that imagery well.

I have a problem with the most cherished belonging being a wedding ring. It seems a small price for such a big pay-off. You have added the information that each hour takes years off life, so perhaps this is due compensation. It just seems too easy and the 'years off life' like a support, or crutch.

Lara hardly seems surprised that it worked and her son appeared. Wouldn't she even be a little afraid at first? A little apprehensive? Until, perhaps, her son laughs and makes her feel comfortable, forgetting her fear.

I felt that the story needed some flashbacks to her husband and son dying. Images that would haunt the protagonist. This would help explain her suicidal tendencies and help dampen the melodrama.

All from memory and a single read-through. I also haven't read any of the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. Good luck with your film. If you need a writing partner(s) for a feature at that location, I'd love to be a part of it.

Quoted from Abe from LA This story is a departure from your usual dip into dark waters. That's not a bad thing. But I suspect that your unfamiliarity with this genre has caused the missteps.

Very true. The lighthouse is an iconic piece of history for that area. I felt it'd be cheap of me to just fill it with an evil entity and turn it into a horror.

Quoted from Abe from LA BTW, I did't care for the way Gavin arrived.

I have a very specific idea for this shot that I think will work. It's just a closeup of her hand as the rotating beacon pans across our view and as it passes it reveals Gavin grabbing on to her hand.

Quoted from Abe from LA Perhaps it's just me, but I don't want to hear Gavin speak.

Well, you probably won't like the rewrite I did last week before I saw your notes. I'll post it here in a day or two after I try to address more issues I'm seeing with the comments I've gotten.

Quoted from Abe from LA I can't see her contemplating suicide after being with him again. Lara might be confused and frustrated that she didn't get to say "goodbye," but now she knows that there is an afterlife, where Gavin and John are waiting for her — when her time comes.

I think the rewrite will address this. Good point.

Quoted from Abe from LA If Lara wants to think of Gavin as a ghost, then so be it. Do you think Lara believes Gavin is just a ghost or that he actually exists in another realm (Paradise)? Or does Lara think there is NO connection between Gavin the ghost and an afterlife??

I believe she has doubts. Was that her son or a ghost living in the lighthouse playing tricks on her? Either way it shows her a form of life after death. Which I think would give her enough hope to carry on, knowing that she would see him again.

Quoted from Abe from LA When Gavin disappears before daybreak, I can see Lara being quite distraught. She can't find any trace of him. She never got to say 'goodbye.' She wonders was this all a dream? Here is where Dave's suggestion of Lara being pregnant might work.

The rewrite currently has Gavin leaving her early on purpose. To save years for her to spend with her husband who needs her (Brought John back from the dead). So when she falls asleep, he leaves her a message on her phone to find explaining that.

Quoted from Abe from LA If you don't want to go the pregnancy route, the drawing could be a MacGuffin. We never see it. But Lara looks into the drawing and it changes her. She is enlightened. Now she believes in something greater than her existence on earth.

I get what you're saying and some may like that ambiguous piece, but that's not really my style of story telling.

Quoted from Abe from LA Maybe some of this works for you. Or maybe all this rambling is sparking new ideas. Either way, good luck.

Abe, can't thank you enough for the in-depth notes and thoughts for alternate ideas that you've given me. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

James

Quoted from Storey_Matters Great location. Love it, love it, love it! It deserves a feature. A Lighthouse-esque subtextual horror.

I love lighthouses. Cinema always will. Just the seclusion of it.

Quoted from Storey_Matters I have a problem with the most cherished belonging being a wedding ring. It seems a small price for such a big pay-off. You have added the information that each hour takes years off life, so perhaps this is due compensation. It just seems too easy and the 'years off life' like a support, or crutch.

It's meant to be her most cherished material item. Which I would assume it would be her wedding ring. And yes, the real price to pay for cheating death and visiting your late son is at the cost of some of your own life.

Quoted from Storey_Matters Lara hardly seems surprised that it worked and her son appeared. Wouldn't she even be a little afraid at first? A little apprehensive? Until, perhaps, her son laughs and makes her feel comfortable, forgetting her fear.

True. The script doesn't represent that well. I think she would study him for a few moments until she hears him speak. Then she just doesn't care. her emotions get the best of her.

Quoted from Storey_Matters I felt that the story needed some flashbacks to her husband and son dying. Images that would haunt the protagonist. This would help explain her suicidal tendencies and help dampen the melodrama.

I think I'm leaving her husband alive. I am very worried this could turn overly melodramatic, though. A seven minute Stepmom.

Quoted from Storey_Matters All from memory and a single read-through. I also haven't read any of the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. Good luck with your film. If you need a writing partner(s) for a feature at that location, I'd love to be a part of it.

Thanks for the read and notes. It helps immensely to see what bothers people about the story and what works. I write a new feature about every 3 years or so. Trust me, I wouldn't make a good partner. LOL

James

Hi James, I was just looking around on here, and I saw the pic of the lighthouse. I go to that beach regularly. I met a woman who is friends with the owner. Have you started filming yet?

Hi Kirsten,

You must live in our neck of the woods then. We shot this last weekend. Sheila (the owner) was a gracious host. We had a lot of fun there but it was the hardest shoot we've ever done, by a mile.

We began shooting at 7PM when the sun was setting from about a half mile away and worked our way to the top of the lighthouse by 8PM for sunset. It was a race against the setting sun. Then we spent the night, barely got any sleep, and were up again to shoot the sunrise.

I love the footage so far. I think we nailed it in the time constraints we had. The weather was perfect. I couldn't be happier about it.

I'll make sure to post a sneak peek of the film here once it's done. It's the least I can do for all the help I've received from the writers here.

James

James, that is awesome, there's some nice shots. I'm looking forward to seeing this. I'm not going to read the script, I'll wait to see what you've done. Fresh eyes.
I have some pics of the lighthouse from lake Erie, it's my wife's favorite 'beach' to go to in the summer. We always wondered if anyone lived there. Our question was answered when we stayed at the 200 year old Riders Inn in Painsville about 15mins away...the owner told us she was friends with the owner of the lighthouse. Very jealous!

The shots look great, looking forward to seeing the film.

Those images look amazing!

Do you have a list of the equipment used to shoot this?

I'm wondering what camera and lighting were used.

We used a Sony A7Siii. I have 4 lenses I rotate around. The 24-70 2.8 is my main workhorse. I have to 24 1.4 and the 50 1.2 for low light situations. And the first few wide shots were taken with a Tamron 70-180 2.8. It’s an inexpensive telephoto lens but has excellent results.

Aerial footage was shot with a Mavic 2 Pro.

The only light we brought was an Aputure 300d ii with a fresnel lens. That’s how we blasted light through the lamp room when her ring supposedly vanishes. Then we just set it outside and used a Coleman gas lantern as a key light in the lighthouse. It makes a great key light but it’s noisy.

James

Hey all,

So this film is pretty much done. Here's a sneak peek in an unlisted link that I'll leave up for a bit. Obviously, I don't want it shared in public at the moment.

I'm very happy with how it came out. I'm hoping it's an effective film about heartbreak and hope, but to some this might be melodrama at its worst. Who knows.

I did run through all the names on here and added everyone in the "Special Thanks To... " section. If I flubbed your name, left you out, or you'd rather have it removed just let me know. This isn't the final just yet.

I couldn't find "Storey_Matters" name and I did PM them without a response. Think they're the only person I left out.
Anyway, thanks to all who commented. You made me reshape the story and I "think" it's better for it.

James

James, the film looks absolutely beautiful and you made the script really come to life perfectly.
Loved the voice-over which tied the narrative together nicely.

I have one quibble about her reaction when the child first makes his appearance (a bit downplayed imho), but I actually hate saying anything negative cause, wow, what a job you did!

I hope you did the least amount of takes going up those stairs.  

Bravo!