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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Two Beers
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  Author    OWC - Two Beers  (currently 3096 views)
Don
Posted: April 10th, 2009, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Two Beers by Napoleon Bonaparte - Short, Drama - A secret is revealed at a family picnic! - pdf, format


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Don  -  April 10th, 2009, 10:51pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 2:08am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Wow, WTF?  Terrible...simply terrible.  I don't get it at all, don't see any of the challenge in here, and at 5 pages, it's WAY too short.

Sorry, but this one doesn't work at all.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Sham
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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Not sure if I liked this one or not. I didn't really understand things by the last page.

I see how you've incorporated the picnic, but I don't see the secret. Can someone else who's read this and understood it clarify what exactly happened?


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MBCgirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 3:11am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Some things are better left to the imagination!

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This was all over the place....maybe quantity on the OWC is not equalling quality.  I haven't really liked any of the ones I have read yet.

Help!

Morgan


http://www.myspace.com/mbcgirl  

I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


MBCgirl =)
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JamminGirl
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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I'm trying to make sence of it but it was pretty pointless, wasn't it? It felt like this was really done to show off that you (whoever you are) know how to make certain scene headings, and talk directly to the reader as if you're writing prose.

...But you forgot the story.


Family Picnic 10 pages.

After the Trade 3 pages

by T. Jasmine Hylton
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stebrown
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I don't really get what the secret actually is. I get the fact that the Man was an alcoholic or something like that and just wanted drinking buddies but didn't get an actual story out of this.


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steven8
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 5:16am Report to Moderator
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It seemed like the guy was telling his nephew about his sordid past.  Or maybe what he does during the evening that his wife doesn't know about?  That may be it.  Not a bad story, but it would be better if those points were more clear.
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Astrid
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure what to say. I liked it, but didn't like it. The writing was good. Interesting. The story tho was kinda of, meh. Maybe I just didn't get it? What confused me the most was the end. Why is he giving his car away?  
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Tommyp
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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Some good dialogue in this... but overall I didn't like it.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very, very well written piece, but it lacks the secret that everyone's been asking for. Though, from what I've read, which is a very good story, indeed (I don't know what everyone else is talking about), I think Our Man had lived a different life before, one filled with being friends with homeless people and getting it on with prostitutes, while breaking the law by taking beer out in public. If that's it, and I'm sure it's not, it's not very well revealed to either the audience or the characters.

I imagined this one as sort of a Film Noir script, where everything is black and white, and all the characters don't really have a care in the world. This script is very artsy, with no actual character names and great descriptions that really set the mood. Though, I have to admit, the first description about the clock is extremely unnecessary. If the time is insignificant, and that "nothing...Nothing is happening," then why put it there in the first place?

I'd love to see this script filmed. Just clear everything up a bit. If you do plan on filming it any time soon, go ahead and leave the clock shot in if that's the way you want it. But just clear everything up, make the twist more comprehensible, and don't end it all too abruptly.

Sean


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michel
Posted: April 11th, 2009, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but I didn't get the story. Though I think it doesnt' fit the OWC. There are too many descriptions and you must write what we see.


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Andrew
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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This is quite a perplexing script.

I did like this, however:


Quoted Text
He looks at the bartender. He looks at his
cash. He looks at the bartender. The bartender removes the
caps.


It feels to me like you are alluding to something a bit deeper, but unfortunately, it's not displayed.

Andrew


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Murphy
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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I am just going to echo what has already been said really. It was very well written and interesting piece which ultimately did not seem to go anywhere. I never got it, I have read it twice and still do not understand what is going on. It will be interesting to hear what you have got to say on it when the writers are revealed.
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jayrex
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I don't feel this met the challenge and felt the descriptions at the start were clumsy.

I didn't quite understand what was revealed.  I thought the homeless man was like a brother or something.

Slugs shouldn't be in bold.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Don't really feel comfortable scoring this one because I didn't really understand it. Still, I'll give it a go.

Meeting the competition criteria: well, it's a drama. And there's something that resembles a picnic, featuring family members. There's a hint at the existence of a secret, but it's not revealed - 6/10
Characters: I liked the hbo and the bartender. The Man really could have done with a name, I think - 5/10
Dialogue: Some of it was pretty good, but other parts were just too ambiguous. No point trying to be mysterious if you just come off confusing - 5/10
Story: I honestly couldn't follow the narrative. Is the final scene a flashback? Way too ambiguous for my liking. If you want me to put meaning onto it, give me SOMETHING to build on - 4/10
Writing/format: format was fine. The bold sluglines...I don't know what the actual 'rule' is, but I didn't mind them. The writing was good, but sometimes felt a little forced -6/10

TOTAL: 26/50


Guess who's back? Back again?

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