Broadway Betty by First Initial - Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A struggling screenwriter enlists the help of an aging Broadway legend to help him write a song. - pdf, format

SPOILERS!!!!                    SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!




I really got into this, it would have to be the best so far. Ok, its not lol like 'Terms' but it fits all the criteria. I love all the musical references and SS refs too. Not sure who wrote it- maybe pia...or George...Splatter? hmmm.

Formatting excellent. one question - I couldn't work out the significance of knowing that Kaylee had buttons on her apron?

and the spoiler comment?   I would've had Betty die.

Very good piece.

This is my favorite script so far.  Well done.  Good, believable premise, solid characters and great dialogue.  Really pulled at the ol' heartstrings, this one.  Format and spelling were spot on, as well.  The romance wasn't quite all there, but there was just enough of it.  Of all the scripts I've read, I thought this one brought together all the elements in this OWC the most succesfully.  Excellent job, writer.

The descriptions in the beginnng were a little over-written (we get it, she has lots of Broadway paraphenalia and a Tony in her office... and do we really care what color the waitress' hair is?) and it probably could've used a bit more romance to completely fulfill the OWC requirement.

Now that that's out of the way, I really liked this one. The characters were really well developed, especially the grandma, as I definitely found myself caring about her fate towards the end. I thought you had a few humorous lines in here, but nothing that undercut the dramatic mood of the piece. The lyrics fit the musical piece pretty well and were well-written.

Very well done for one week.

I really enjoyed this story.  I thought the writing was expert.  I loved the characters.  The dialog was fresh, everyone had their own voice and some of the lines were so witty.  Very well done.

I do have one suggestion and that is to tone down some of your descriptions.  A few of them were just too detailed and some of those details I don't think added anything to your story.  Like why do we need to know there were buttons on the apron or that someone was wearing loose, cotton shorts.  It just seemed like overkill and shy waste the words?  

I thought this was excellent and by far my fav so far.  GREAT WORK!!!!!

Checked out the web - oh my, you surely went extra 10 miles here. And I can't read the notes, bummer! Did you write your own tune too for this? I kind of had hard time understanding because your MP3 melody sounds kind of different.

It's a good script, I think. Well written and touching piece.

Thanks for the read.

the two biggest issues i had with this is: one, the buffett song...using a song that you don't own the rights to (and i'm assuming you don't) will get an automatic rejection from any studio/producer...second, it seems like it was written by someone who wants to be a set designer...read pg. 32 of this month's "script" magazine..i'll paraphrase: "include only the basics in your script: who's entering the scene, who's exiting, and who's carrying a gun. everything else ...are details unnecessary to the of a two hour story in 120 pages."...not to mention it forces the reader to remember details that won't be of any use to move the story along...much better on a tighter re-write...

I enjoyed this.

It's a fairly low key affair, but it has charm. There is a nice inventiveness and playfullness in the dialogue.

I particularly liked the idea of "eating angry". It was only a passing comment, but I found that was the concept that stuck with me the most.

Being harsh I would say that it perhaps took longer than necessary to get to the story. He could have just turned up at Betty's door and the film would largely be the same. There is also a lack of conflict during the story. Everyone is on the same side.

Still the dialogue made up for that and it was an easy read.

BROADWAY BETTY

Pros – Clever story idea.

Cons – Overly descriptive in places. Readers don't care if Kaylee's hair was dyed or black for that matter. A few nits. I wasn’t clear on Kaylee and David being siblings until pg 6; Hannah came off as nasty when she asked Chris “who the hell are you?” Seemed out of character for her. Though, it was the only tension in this one.

Comedy – Comedy was more woven in as humor not “look at me” jokes. I kept hearing David as Chris Griffin on Family Guy (hey, my son watches it!) especially his words “Soft as a grape.”

Romance – Romance between David and Hannah? No. Romance with Betty’s spirit and David?  No . But affection. Yes.

Lyrics – Well done as song that an elderly hipster helped David write for his Zombie
Musical. BTW, there is a musical where a zombie dog bites three nuns….

Writer – You’ve created a memorable character in Broadway Betty. Also, you got in a few insights about the life of a screen writer. Some tension and less desciption would have made this one shine brightler. Great effort for OWC.

Criteria – Not an amped out comedy about romance. Rather an insightful light hearted drama about affection. Lyrics fit well.

Gary

At last, wer'e talking about zombies. Thought it would never happened

Liked Jimmy Buffet's song. Funny thing with seniors... It's not "Girls with Guitars", but "Seniors with Canes"!  

Maybe too many descriptions in Betty's apartment. We already know who she is. A more generic description would have been enough IMO.

"I have, uh Final Draft." I loved this line.

The romance... Well, sounded incomplete to me. It could have been extended.... Only if you could...

I'm pretty sure who wrote this.

Michel

I thoroughly enjoyed this one and like I said before:

You guys are making it awfully hard. How am I ever going
to be able to choose a favorite? I really don't know.

Anyways, I loved the dialogue of Betty's because it's
absolutely and completely true. It means something--
not just within the context of the script, but out there
in this playing field we call life.

Betty:

Working on it? Honey, writing isn’t
something you work on...It’s a
passion, a driving force that wells
up from within your soul that has
to be released, other wise...

You have to bleed it. Consider
Shelton and Cook. They write
dialogue in their sleep and dream
in industry standard format. Do
you?

DAVID
Well, I have, uh, Final Draft.
Betty laughs.

And this:

BETTY
I still treasure these moments,
getting lost in the creation of
music. You’ve got some talent, but
you have to work at writing it from
the heart-otherwise, you’ll come
off as a zombie yourself.


This needs to be posted up on Simplyscripts in a sticky thread.

Excellent work!

Sandra

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess who wrote this purely based on one item of clothing worn by one character. Is it a bread crumb, or a red herring?

Meeting the competition criteria: this is actually a pretty good dramedy, but it's completely missing the romantic element. There was never even a suggestion that two of the characters shared anything like a romantic connection (Hannah turned David down flat, and even by the end there was no suggestion she was coming round), and Betty 'being in love with writing' isn't the same. To me, romance is the key to this challenge...comedy and drama have to be included, but this is supposed to be a romantic dramedy
Characters: great characterisation. I really liked them, particularly Betty (obviously). You get high marks, although I would have liked for there to have been a bit more substance to David
Dialogue: generally great, especially when Betty was speaking. At other times,with other characters, the quality dipped slightly, but overall pretty darn good
Story: I really got into it. As I've said, there was no romance, which slightly lessened its effectiveness...but you did have a good thing going. I wouldn't have minded if this had gone on for a lot longer, which is a very good sign. However, the flip-side of wanting it to carry on is that I wasn't totally convinced that this ended well...it felt a bit abrupt
Writing/format: I feel at times that this was over-written. I actually liked the detail given to Betty's room, but it was the descriptions of what characters were wearing that seemed excessive to me. Take Hannah's entrance - you could have cut two action paragraphs and not lost a thing, since you've already said she's 'gorgeous'. I also didn't like the "lizards" line near the start. Format was good, and the writing was generally good, but it could do with some trimming

P.S. The title page says 'Betty Broadway', but the thread title is 'Broadway Betty'...is that wrong? Because I think the former is better.

I think this is very well done and comes across as a good read.

Like others have said, it's defintely way overwritten in many instances. It actually gets close to the point of ruining the read, but not quite.  Betty is too cool a character to let too many meaningless details spoil her story.

I really didn't see or feel much in terms of romance, but the story was strong enough to let me overlook that.

I see you really spent some time on the music and lyrics...they were pretty good, but I had trouble integrating them into the tune (and it seems like the tune you used was different?).

Overall, this is a very solid entry and I give you props for really trying here, and going the extra mile with the lyrics and music.

Top 5 so far!  Nice work.

Extremely well written, with a good balance between action, description and dialog. It was easy to picture the scene while reading. I liked Kaylee, David, and Betty. Hannah remained a bit of a mystery. Perhaps she should get more to do while they are writing the song. Also I'd like more indication of the initial lyrics so we see how David has solved the problems when he finally sings it to her. I thought the dialog was a little stilted, more like making a speech than speaking. And that "soft as a grape" comment I didn't get at all.

This was more a drama than a comedy-drama (a mistake I also made with my submission) and didn't have much romance, but the lyrics were good. One point -- put a "/" to mark the end of a line when putting lyrics in dialog. Overall, I thought this was one of the better entries.

Lot of work gone into this one. Maybe too much.

An awful lot of detail is put in the descriptions. Nevertheless the writer clearly has a vision that they would like us to see.

Quoted from BB Well, I have, uh, Final Draft.

That was a good line.

Typo free, you don't see many of them.

My favourite of the bunch so far I'd say.

I looked up the web address at the end. And there, lo and behold, was sheet music for the song. For that touch alone this one gets my vote.