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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  West Side Markets Moderators: bert
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  Author    West Side Markets  (currently 6743 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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West Side Markets by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short, Romantic Fantasy - A girl falls in love with a boy from the wrong side of the parking lot. 13 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 31st, 2011, 8:18pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Author's Note:

I've learned a lot and enjoy my time here immensely.
I wanted to give SS members a little romantic fantasy for the valentine weekend.
I hope everyone enjoys the holiday time in their own way.
Damn, 500 comments. Wow. I never seem to shut up!
Happy Valentine's Day!


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Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  February 12th, 2011, 11:24am
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jwent6688
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
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Fuck Valentines weekend... I'm tearing your script apart!

I found this script struggling with its identity. You had some heart felt moments in here, yet, some ridiculous over the top moments... "Sour dough bread torpedos, The boys holstering price guns". Then it has a serious moment at the end.

Your strong point is your dialogue. I liked the romance between Emily and Matt. I wanted more of that then this over the top parking lot fight. You may have a talent for rom coms. It's okay, people have told me that too.

Good show Brett, I was entertained...

Either way it was a fun read. And timely

I do, however, hate how you space every line of action. two to three is acceptable, but, if thats your style... Roll with it.

James


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screenrider
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm with Jwent on this one.   The flip-floppin' from serious to kinda cheesy, threw me off.   But I also enjoyed it as well.   A noble effort.   Romeo and Juliet-ish.   I also have a problem with the single spacing.

In any event, nice work.  
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mcornetto
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Romano cheese and Julienne fries.  Now I'm all hungry.  

Pretty good to base a script on a classic.  I wish I had the discipline to approach something like that.  Whenever, I try something like that it always ends up nothing like the original.  This is recognisible - so good job on that score.

The dialogue and the narration was well done.  I would have liked to see the Narrator named - if not at the beginning then at the end.  It was distracting to  see narrator the whole time when you knew it was going to be one of the girls in the script and since there was only one girl...I understand why you didn't name her to begin with, I'm just not sure you need to do that.

I thought some of the silliness during the fight was also distracting and would suggest a decision about how to go with it - silly all the way or serious with light comedy.

Good work.

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LC
Posted: February 11th, 2011, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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I think you're all being nitpickety (which is actually our job, & I will be a bit below too, but...)

This is wonderful! Should be 'Short Script of the Day'.

It's like a hybrid of Rebel without a Cause, Amelie, obv. West Side Story, & Baz Lurman's R&J. All of them came to mind when I was reading this. I think the soppy & serious blend make it what it is. I half expected the characters to break into song and some of the action sequences read like chess moves.

I don't have a problem with the breaking up of the spaced action lines. Made it easier to read and keep track.

In the interest of 'feedback' - I've got to wonder at you using Intercut when you did (cld be wrong?). This does require a second read. And, this particular wording irritated me -  'door opens some' 'the apron lifts some'.

And in the interests of making this truly romantic I would change Matt's line prior to the flashback - the one where he says,

'Can't do that to my father... family would be devastated' etc.

As with Romeo & Juliet they're aware of this already. Their love means this is exactly what will happen, but they do it anyway because they've no choice - they're in love. Brett, you lost me there for a mo'. Guy comes across as a wimp and Daddy's boy. You do fix it further on, but still, I'd change it, because...

... there's no question Matt will run off with her! He'd chose Emily over his father. He has to. Please change that line or just have him give her a 'look' re the gravity of their decision & the obv. consequences.

Lastly, I'm with Mc re the Narrator. Twas a bit jarring esp. at the end. I would change this to being the voices/characters of Mrs Almac and Mrs Demoula. Have Mrs Almac sprinkle cinnamon over the hot bun on the countertop and Mrs Demoula decorate a Petit Four. Would up the ante imo. Just a suggestion.

Overall, inventive reincarnation of an old theme. Brilliant. Well done



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 11th, 2011, 11:59pm
spellin' n added a bit.
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jwent6688
Posted: February 12th, 2011, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
I don't have a problem with the breaking up of the spaced action lines. Made it easier to read and keep track.


I disagree. Thanks for calling me out. I guess I need to make my point. #1 your chewing up pages too fast. one minute= one page. I know you know that. screenwriting 101.

Every bit of your action lines looks like a montage. Yes! Space every line in a montage scene. Tighten them otherwise. I actually think that helps the read IMO. I'm just used to it reading scripts with two or three lines of action grouped together between dialogue.

If you ever wrote a feature like this it would be 150 pages... plus...

James



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LC
Posted: February 12th, 2011, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688

I disagree. ...
... If you ever wrote a feature like this it would be 150 pages... plus...
James


Each to their own. Yep it breaks the 'rules' somewhat, and I can appreciate James has a prob. with it.

If it were a feature I'd prob. have a problem with it too. But it ain't.  It's a 'short'. Breaking it up actually helped guide me through and enabled me to visualise those action scenes better.

No brush with you James, just interested to see how more SS'ers view it. I'll say no more, for now.





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grademan
Posted: February 12th, 2011, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Thanks for the VD story!

I can see it was done along the lines of the classics as the rest have already noted. Interesting. Some comments.

STYLE CHOICES:

NARRATOR is too generic. I prefer to know the name esp if one implies he is close to the story.

V.O. for 10-15 line was a bit much. I kept going “let’s get to it.”

INTERCUTS were confusing. I assumed you were intercutting by line. Still hard to follow.

SINGLE line description is close to action stacking which may be a little intense for a romantic tale. Actually, when I read this, I hit the return carriage on my mental typewriter every time I finished a line.  Looked nice,

AUTUMNAL not a word I’d use. I can picture an executive reading that as the first word and stopping right there.

OTHER STUFF

Favorite lines:
MATT
That’s a nice first name.
EMILY
I like your first name too.

Favorite ready to dance moment:

MATT
You’re on. Tonight, we rumble.

Favorite moment: Knife tip trembles a millimeter shy of Emily’s stomach,

Favorite name; DeMoulas (the money?)

GARY
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Ryan1
Posted: February 12th, 2011, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I liked a lot of your descriptions, "Angular ice blue text glows and hums."  Really set the scene well for what was to follow.  Dialogue was okay, but I think you overused the narrator at the beginning, as his VOs ran for two pages.

R&J is always good source material.  Having two rival markets was a novel twist on this.

The rumble in the parking lot was funny.  Reminded me a lot of the free-for-all battle in Anchorman because it was so over the top.  Then the joust scene was right out of Jackass.

But, then the tone takes this jarring turn when Ray plunges the butcher knife into Matt.   It made no sense to me and frankly I think it sabotaged the end of the script.  They go from slapping price tags on each other to that?  I understand you were sticking to the R&J storyline there, but the original stayed true to its tone throughout the story while yours jumped from light hearted farce to deadly serious drama.  

Some of the exchanges in that last scene were a little cringe-worthy:  "His blood is the same color as mine, and yours."

And to go from a death scene to a shot of cinnamon bun with heart frosting and being wished "Happy Valentines Day" was another jarring tonal shift.

Overall, I liked the piece up until the stabbing.  Then it fell apart, IMO.  But good on ya for trying something new.

Ryan


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reuel51
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I've made the same decision before with stacking the action line by line. When I read my own, it made sense and read fast. I couldn't understand why some of the feedback I got had a problem with the action. The biggest gripe seemed to be "too much action". After reading this, I've realized it wasn't too much action, it was that everything was broken up so much that the readers were dwelling on every little bit of action as if the one sentence was going to have tremendous meaning in the end. What this does is causes readers to expend a lot of mental energy remembering each and every move that every character is making. It's tiresome and that is why they complained about "too much action"

No, I don't think you have too much action, I just think you need to combine some of the action lines together, that way, I, the reader, can pick and choose which specific actions are the most important to me, and I will skim over the rest. I still get the overall picture in my head, but now, I'm not holding onto every single price sticker pattern left on a DaMoulas or an Almacs.

Anyway, I really liked what you've done with a classic theme. The silliness of using supermarkets was brilliant, and it played well into the parking lot rumble. The fight was fun and over the top. But then the stabbing came, and as others have mentioned, the tone of the script took such a sharp turn, it was jarring. Then it turns again to something profound about blood being the same color. I like that Ray takes things too far, but to stab and kill the guy? That was too much for what the rest of the script is about. We're watching teenage boys fight with bread and sticker guns. If Ray was to walk up to Matt and simply cold cock him in the nose, breaking it and causing blood to gush, you would keep within the confines of the silly tone. That's just a thought.

Kudos on putting out a Valentine's day script. This was a fun read.

Brian


new Ignoble 5 pgs, Shock Drama (could be disturbing)
Faking It 5 pgs MP 2nd place Feb 2011
Consequences 7 pgs Thriller
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Craiger6
Posted: February 13th, 2011, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey E.D.,

I’ve really appreciated the feedback you’ve given me on some of my stuff, and I know you are always going out of your way to read others’ stuff, so I wanted to pipe in here.

I thought this was very interesting, and while I enjoyed it for the most part, there were also some things that I was on the fence about.  As James mentioned in the first comment, initially, I got the feeling that this was too back and forth between serious and silly.  However, the more I think about it, I think that was clearly your intent.  I’m not sure how I feel about it one way or the other, but kudos for sticking to your guns and having fun with it.

All in all, I think it was a successful effort and good read.  Some of the dialogue worked better for me than other parts.  I kind of agree with Ryan about the whole “his blood is the same color as mine…” line.  I also picked out another one.  

Anyway, below are some notes I took while reading:

P.3 – “We can’t keep meeting like this.”

Forgive me, but it seems kind of cliché.  I think you’ve got better chops than that.

And you prove me right in the next scene.  I love the idea of having them fall for each other on this catwalk.  I thought this was really cool, and loved the way you set it up.  Very inventive.

P. 5 – “I don’t make deals, but I do make promises.”

Nice line.

P. 7 – “RAY: Then we settle it with a rumble.”

So, I realize we’ve got a Romeo & Juliet meets Westside Story going on here, but I think I would have preferred you to contemporize the dialogue.  This is a stupid example, but maybe make the characters some meat heads from the Jersey Shore.  I know, I know, that’s a shitty idea, but the point is you can make them talk and sound like kids from 2011 and still get your point across.

(Updated after reading: As I said earlier, I think it was clearly your intention to toggle back and forth between serious and silly, so maybe some contemporary guidos talking the way guidos talk, night actually work well for you here.  I don’t know, just a thought.

P. 9 – “A chubby Demoula boy takes the bread upside the head. He grimaces and falls, out cold.
Ray leans over the fallen comrade. He rips the dough in half and sniffs the insides. He tests a piece and
spits it out.”

Haha, well done.  Nice imagery.

Anyway, I thought this was a nice effort Brett, and I enjoyed it.  Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps.

Craig


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bert
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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I decided to save your Valentine's Day script for Valentine's Day.  Thoughts as follows:
  
Right at the front, the period after DEMOULAS threw me for a bit -- occurring so early in the story, I did not recognize it as a slug.  Better to slap an EXT in front of it and lose the period.  And it should go without saying that I would give similar treatment to ALMACS.  And reading further still, you need to lose those slugline periods throughout.  Why are you even doing that?

Is Ray a Demoula?  You should establish that up front, yes or no.  And a fine point -- later you mention the blood on Ray's apron, but the apron is red.  Not very visual at all.  Better white, or some other color.

I have buzzed over the comments, not terribly thorough, but I did notice some back and forth about the single-sentence descriptions.  For what it is worth, I say that is a great way to go.  White space, reads quicker, no problems.

The fight scene is wonderfully absurd, but I agree with the others that the stabbing is way too jarring for the tone you have established.

I would recommend this fix:  Why not have Emily with her charging carts plunge into the center of the joust and the horrified boys thump HER instead of each other?  Of course the blow is not fatal, but you still maintain that sense of ironic tragedy the story demands, and you can continue with your conclusion mostly the way you have it -- but without the knives.

This is not the sort of script I typically seek out, but I think you did a good job with it.  Some good humor, with a light touch.  But I would re-examine the overt violence that occurs late in the story, which kind of undermines what has gone before.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
Fuck Valentines weekend... I'm tearing your script apart!


Hey James!

Heh, you got the first tear in on this one.
So, I guess you prefer Singles Awareness Day to Valentine's Day?

Quoted from jwent6688

I found this script struggling with its identity. You had some heart felt moments in here, yet, some ridiculous over the top moments... "Sour dough bread torpedos, The boys holstering price guns". Then it has a serious moment at the end.

Your strong point is your dialogue. I liked the romance between Emily and Matt. I wanted more of that then this over the top parking lot fight. You may have a talent for rom coms. It's okay, people have told me that too.

Good show Brett, I was entertained...

Either way it was a fun read. And timely

I do, however, hate how you space every line of action. two to three is acceptable, but, if thats your style... Roll with it.

James



I decided I wasn't going to play it safe and go for the whole enchilada.
An integral part of Romeo & Juliet and West Side Story is tragedy.
Do I go for the light musical approach or take a swing at the big drama at the end?
I'm all about the emotional rollercoaster, so I gave it a shot.
With these shorts, it's about letting it all hang out for me.
They are mental floss for me in between bigger stuff.
I was just coming off a four week project and wanted to have some fun.
So I tried to stuff the entire ride into 13 pages with mixed results.
I tend to space out stuff when I'm in a montage type mode.
I can see how it would be distracting.
Thanks for the read, I may revisit this script for revisions.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 14th, 2011, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider
Brett,

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm with Jwent on this one.   The flip-floppin' from serious to kinda cheesy, threw me off.   But I also enjoyed it as well.   A noble effort.   Romeo and Juliet-ish.   I also have a problem with the single spacing.

In any event, nice work.  


Screenrider,

Thanks for the read.
I'm glad you overall enjoyed the ride.
It's meant to pull you along with a larger than life atmosphere.
I wanted to take it as far as I could and run the gambit of emotions.
I admit, I may have been overambitious with the script.
I'd rather have a mixed result going for it though.
As opposed to playing it conservative and keeping the tone safe.
As it stands now, I have a better idea of where to take the story now because of it.
As to the action description, I got a bit montagey at times. Guilty.
It's safe bet I'll revisit this material at some point.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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