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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  The Ledger - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    The Ledger - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4394 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2012, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ledger by An Ugly Bag of Mostly Water - Short - When travelers take refuge from a hurricane, they learn not all shelters are safe havens. - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: October 19th, 2012, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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That was certainly an odd piece.

I think it went beyond the requirement and tried to give the motel some meaning.  It should really be about the travelers (those who take refuge) not the staff   It's probably a bit beyond budget as well.

The  Ophilia/Amelia names were a bit confusing.

Good try, but I think you tried to cram too much into this script.  

This is a short not a feature so I think you really needed to concentrate on one story and tell it well.    For example we could have learned a bit more about the priest and it would have made his fall more interesting.  
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Gage
Posted: October 19th, 2012, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the motel seemed to be the most interesting character of all.  I especially like the scene with Amelia, the thought of it gave me chills with the baseball and scissors.  I thought this one was pretty good, a bit "full", but still enjoyable.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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I'd agree with Michael that this piece was a little too ambitious for its own good.  Started out well enough, with the arrival of the priest and the vividly described Edward.  Points off for borrowing the name Legion from the Exorcist, though.

But after that, I quickly became lost.  Not sure what happened to the priest, I'm assuming Edward took over his body but I'm not sure of the significance of that.  Then the Amelia/Ryan storyline made little sense to me.  I get that this motel is some sort of nightmarish station of lost souls, but it was hard to feel much for Amelia because I couldn't understand what Ryan's ghost was doing there and what he wanted from her.

And then George enters the story with about two pages to go.  There were simply too many stories going on and not enough time to delve into them.  From a technical standpoint, I thought the writing was good.  But the script lacked focus.

  
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rc1107
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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I did like the idea behind this one.  The writing was decent.  I did get lost a couple times in the actions, (at first, I thought the manager was taking Father James to a backroom, then I realized he was taking him back outside.)  I also had a hard time picturing going from room 6 to 1128, and couldn't help but picture a great big huge 1200 story hotel.

The characters were odd and interesting, probably the m/hotel the most interesting of all.  Meets the contest guidelines there.  I'm guessing this is hell, so all the characters have died, which would be the supernatural event requirement there.  And, remnants of a hurricane.  I'd have to say that qualifies.

Don't know if I really get the ending too much, though.  It comes off as a little rushed towards the ending and I'm not sure you quite conveyed what you were trying to.  I was mixed up in Ophilia's story, and don't think this was quite the best climax.  I don't know what I was looking for exactly, but the ending seemed just a little muddled.

I was still interested in the story the whole way through, though I'm not sure all my questions got answered.

A very good quality entry for the first one I've read.  I'm impressed.

- Mark


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stevie
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, like Ryan, I was into this, what with the excorcism stuff and that. Writing was crisp. There was a fair bit going on but it was ok.

But then it sort of became muddled. Perhaps the author was running out of time (lord, tell me about it...).

Not a bad concept, this hotel of lost souls and the ledger for accounting people's lives, etc.
Might be better with a re-write.

Cheers stevie


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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 12:56am Report to Moderator
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I'm in agreement with others on this one.

Don't get me wrong, I think you've done a good job with it, but for me there's too much going on for a short. I'd love to see you pull a feature with this one. It certainly has potential.

In terms of budget, I think you may have gone slightly overboard with it.

Good effort, nonetheless


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DV44
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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The writing was solid but I'm in agreement with the others in that you crammed too much into the story. The beginning started out great but felt rushed towards the end. All in all you did a nice job. Congrats on completing the OWC.
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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There were a couple really good things going on here but I think the script would have best been served with just one topic.  Both Father James and Amelia's stories were great and well-drawn out and I think that's what the story should revolve around, rather than Ophelia who I felt fell very flat, especially after those two otherwise solid sequences.

Definitely creepy and I think for a rewrite those should be the focus.

A solid entry, could be even better with some retooling.

Nice job.

Greg


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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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This was... strange... I can't really judge it since it doesn't carry a constant story, just segments of little plot lines. Like others have mentioned, you would benefit by just focusing on one story. The exorcist one seemed interesting, if you can get the manager in there and fully finish it, you could have something here. As it sits, it's not doing much atm.

Maybe I'm missing something here though? Maybe the stories connect somehow?

Good job on completing the OWC.
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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Okay, you had me, but then you lost me.

Best writing of those I've read so far, some nice description etc. But again, wth did I just read?

As said by others, stick to the one story, it'll serve the purpose far better.

I must say though, good job on displaying some nice wit and dialogue.

Just disappointed there wasn't a cohesive plot.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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The good - the wriiting.  Very few mistakes.  Good grammar.  Seems like a good writer wrote this.

The bad - Absolutely no clue what went on, why whatever went on, went on, and really completely lost as to any semblance of a plot or even story.  Hurricane was less than a second thought.  Not even sure who any characters were or were supposed to be.  Skimmed the last few pages because nothing was making any sense.

Good writing, which I rarely say, but very poor plotting and staying within the OWC challenge.

Sorry, but I can tell you can do so much better, based on your strong writing skills.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  October 20th, 2012, 4:44pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:43am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Nice use of the motel, meant something.

I also like the foreshowing at the beginning with the blinking sign.

What would have been better is to follow one story rather than, three i think, by the end of it.

This would have allowed more depth to the characters. For instance the Father suddenly appears to do exorcisms .

I think most stories will have little to do with the storm, other than it is happening, but again it didn't seem to form a part of the script other than forcing a few people win, but if it is a working motel, thats no different to a normal day.

Fair effort and well done for getting one in, a hard challenge in IMO


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Some nice touches here that are 'cinematic'. For example the motel sign.

The author went with an ensemble approach or it read like an ensemble. I thought it was going in the way of the Exorcist, but then the author introduced all these characters. unfortunately, there's just not enough space to weave all these characters into the story. Pick one character or 2/3 characters, develop them and stick to them, especially in a 10-12 minute short.

The characters didn't have anything to tie them together other than they're stuck in this motel.

A good writer wrote this, but don't fall too in love with prose (i.e. become verbose). On page 8, the author had a 4 line description paragraph, which i think can be trimmed on another go around.

Very good effort.
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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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This one feels like it needs more space to me. Like it's too big a story for 12 pages. I was a bit confused with the Ophilia/Amelia from the beginning.

The writing was good and easy to read. It was the story that was just too much for me....for this amount of pages.

I think the special effects went a little overboard for micro budget type stuff.

This is the first one I've read but I'm afraid we will see a priest more than once in this owc. Limited parameters.

Anyway, good job with the writing...just too much going on for me.


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