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The Camper by Kirsten James - Short, Horror, Thriller - A lone camper's peace and quiet is ruined when someone watches him from within his tent. 6 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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"Just letting you know my script the Camper got picked up (warts in all) from Simply Scripts by a couple of actors."
I definitely would lose the "Stupid little fuck" line by Darryl. It just doesn't seem like his character would say that. He seems calm and collected, so it was off. I had written down that I'd take the last part out entirely, but the more I think about it, it's a good ending with him talking to his wife. It really highlights his double life.
With regards to the rest of it, not too bad, but possibly look at shorting some of your action lines. For instance, on page 3 you write "Darryl comes to a stop in the same clearing...". Something like that could condensed to "Darryl stops in the same clearing...". Small things like that throughout could really tighten this up and make it pop even more.
A 5 pager, not a 6 pager. I like the simplicity of this. It is very clearly written and easy to follow. I like the eerie silence of the camper on his own in the woods. The narrative style is consistent throughout.
I like the 'Stupid little fuck" line, I think it reveals a part of his character that we were unaware of. A few times You change between 'the Figure' and 'the figure'.
This certainly did not end up going where I thought it was.
SPOILERS
Although the twist was rewarding - I did feel a bit of a logic hurdle in terms of how you got there. That is, gotta believe that a kid would be on a 30 hour joke/trick to catch one dude out in the wilderness with camera shots. Couldn't see that happening so that plot point did not resonant with me.
Well written for the most part. A couple of nit issues.
Before he goes into the tent, our hero is wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. When he opens his backpack for the first time he's wearing a thermal to and jogging pants. Did he change clothes before retrieving his backpack?
EXT. SMALL CLEARING - LATER A medium sized standup tent is pitched with its back to the woods. A backpack sits outside the tent door. Darryl crawls out of the tent and pulls the backpack in.
Quoted Text
INT. TENT
Darryl unpacks a jersey and puts it on over his tightly fitting thermal top, grabs his smart phone, slides it into the back pocket of his jogging pants and steps out…
Okay - a real nit.
EXT. TENT
Technically, these both should be full slugs since you are going from INT to EXT. e.g., would be
INT. TENT - DAY EXT. TENT - DAY
I don't mind violating the rule because it is clear where we are. But it's a bit off to use half of a full slug. I think it's more pleasing to the eye (if you going to violate the rule anyway) to just go with:
Like Dave, I found the prankster a little too convoluted. I understand that you've done this to misdirect the reader, but you've pushed the boundaries too far and that makes this short unbelievable.
The thing with the phone... I had it down that it was his wife/gf dead in the car and that he was just nuts talking to nobody. Another reviewer here figured he had a double life, so you might want to clear that up too.
Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line.
Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot!
Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's not enough, so thank you for pointing that out.
Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing.
I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
Nolan: Thank you for the writing tips, I always need those. I nearly took out the ending for logic reasons. It would have been too late for her to call him, but I really wanted it to reveal his double life. Thats why I threw in the "what are you doing up?" line.
Matt: Thank you, I really appreciate your comments, it helps a lot!
Dave: Thank you, yip you're right with the slugs, my screw up. I could also use continuous as well. And as for the logic of the prankster, I tried to fix that with the dialogue at the end where he says "I know I'm sick" but it's not enough, so thank you for pointing that out.
Dustin: Thank you for the read and what you thought the ending was about. I do need to clear it up and I'll be working on the prankster to make it more legit that he'd do this kind of thing.
I got this idea from someone who told me about a guy that went camping for a few nights. When he got home he checked his camera and there were photos of him taken by someone else. He was probably pulling my leg but he seemed serious.
I really like the way you write. It's simple and concise, but still quite visual. I had no trouble at all imagining this my head.
Unfortunately, the story just didn't do it for me. It started out well enough. You established that Daryll wasn't alone and built some early tension. I really enjoyed the sequence where the figure sneaks into Daryll's tent the first night and takes pictures. You showed some good restraint here. Really creepy sequence.
The twist ending is what turned me off of this. I appreciate some good misdirection, but unfortunately I wasn't a fan of the payoff. I was more curious about the hooded figure than I was in Daryll's motives.
I'd also work on the dialog a bit. Nothing horrible, but it can be tightened up a bit. I didn't really like the "stupid little fuck" line.
Spoilers.
Why did Daryll just leave that body in his car? Why not bury it? And what was the hooded figures ultimate plan? Just to take pictures?
Good writing here, but the story just left me disappointed.
Hi Zack, thank you so much for the read and comments. I'm really glad you liked the writing, I've always struggled with that, so it means things are on on the up and up...
I'm definitely working on this, I might even do away with the twist.
To answer your questions, 1, good question 2, he is a fledgling sociopath that likes to freak people out. Darryl was suppose to see those picks and react.
Good questions, because answering them makes me realize they were questions I should have answered to get rid of plot holes.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
In no particular order but these are my thoughts about the script:
I think this can be done in one day since I find it weird the camper wouldn’t wake up the first time. I mean, he puts the knife next to the phone for a reason. Lol.
I think you missed a good opportunity in decieving the reader here. How about making it look as if the campers a target but then the twist happens? But it depends on how you want to take the story?
It’s easy to film and has good content.
Hope this helps, Gabe
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To be more specific. When the the pics are taken for the first time, Instead of showing the guy taking the pic, show the camper seeing the pics on his cell.
Also, don’t have him put the knife ewith the cell, dead giveaway. Lol.
I never got the sense the camper was in danger
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
So, if you knew somebody had been creeping into your tent at night and taking pictures of you while you slept, that wouldn't represent a danger to you?