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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Lovely Eggs - OWC
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  Author    Lovely Eggs - OWC  (currently 424 views)
hawkeye
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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I think one of the mistakes here is TOO much dialogue. I think there were a couple of pages where it was almost all dialogue and they kep interrupting each other to the point where you lost me on what was going on.

Itís not a rom-com, by my definition, at least. The writing itself isnít bad, but itís about 2 pages too long. Give it a good edit and  you might have something here.

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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jayrex
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Whatever story there was, it didnít seem to show itself.  I have enjoyed topics on the weather in comparison.

No romance that I could see.  The comedy was unusual.  And the ending wasnít satisfactory.

The title should focus more on the itch.  Perhaps a pun on the Seven Year Itch.


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Zack
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm. I really like the idea of this one, but I had to keep going back and rereading the dialog. Not that the dialog was bad, it was just that the characters kept talking over each other, especially at near the end.

Also, the end seems a little too, well, easy. They just kinda believe each others lies at the end.

Funny enough. And besides the dialog issues I've already noted, the writing is clean.

No real romance here, at least not to me.

And what are Nits? Are they like lice?

Anyways, a good effort here.

Zack


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realxwriter
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Loved it. I really liked the punchline. Didn't see it coming at all. Your dialogue was entertaining too.
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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A real head scratcher.

I had to check the previous reviews to see if I was totally wrong about this one.
Turns out the reviews went both ways.

I enjoyed the stuffy dialogue and witty banter.  But then I felt it went on way too long.

I thought it was more a straightforward comedy than a romcom. But then I also thought it played like an SNL sketch rather than a proper film.

I wanted to love this more than I ultimately did.

Good job.
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

There's a decent little comedy in there. It's just buried under a lot of unnecessary dialogue. This one could definitely be trimmed. As written, I didn't find it very funny or romantic at all.

Good luck,
Glenn


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Well enough written but there didn't really seem to be any rom in it and the two leads are just annoying.

Progression was a little predictable and the end didn't really satisfy.

And nits???


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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ReneC
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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This could work, given a bit more room to breathe. It's easy to see what you were going for, but it stretches believeability and the climax is a confusing mess of overlapping dialogue that kind of works but not the way you've written it. The most confusing line for me was the first mention of Maggie, I had to go back and re-read that a few times, especially when it became clear that Leslie was actually Oliver's wife. Relationships haven't yet been established that early in the script, so a like like "return home to your loving wife" is super confusing, it suggests an actual third party instead of her simply referring to herself in the third person.

The swearing is completely out of place, it doesn't belong in this script. Aside from that, there is decent dialogue on display, a strong sense of cinematography, and the story works overall. I don't know how funny it is, that would really depend on the actors, but there is the potential for laughs. The characters need work, Oliver and Leslie are strong characters but they're exactly the same, and James has the depth of a puddle, he's a cardboard cutout of a butler.

No real romance, more like lip service. The only hint of romance is Oliver and Maggie, and that's just a plot device.

It's a decent script, it could be much better and easy to film.


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CameronD
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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I don't get this at all. I get what you were going for with the over politeness but it's not really funny and the back and forth back and forth back and forth is just too hard to keep up with. Without much action it's just hard for me to see where this is going and with the constant stiff upper lip I really have no way of knowing where the characters are either.


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