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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  The Perfect Pair - OWC
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  Author    The Perfect Pair - OWC  (currently 515 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Perfect Pair by Mark Moore (Irisheyes) writing as -  Gram Horse - Short, RomCom - An improbable pair meet their match. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 10th, 2019, 3:22pm
revised draft
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CameronD
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Your logline is not a logline. It's a slogan on a movie poster.

The start is weak. Not much characterization. If Kevin is a man child living at home we need to see him eating more than a box of wheaties. The opening conversation about moving out is rather abrupt cause there is no set up.

Nicole is a sock puppet? Oh god. Oh no.

The sock relationship line is funny. I will give you that.

Canned milk?

The date montage could be funny, but is also absurd considering the third wheel involved. I guess maybe the reveal at the end allows it to happen, but still, this whole script is just, weird. I'd say it could very well be the strangest of the bunch but as its my first read and as this isnt my first OWC I know whats in store for me still.

Dialogue is very OTN. Very bloated. Could easily cut down to 7 pages and not lose a thing. There are funny concepts here, I like the black sock, lol but too strange and wandering for me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Logline is not a good start.

I can't sure, since you didn't set the opening scene very well, but I'd assume that Kevin is sitting down at a table as he's eating.  If that's the case, how would we see his legs to know they're weak and/or thin?  He'd also have to have shorts on.

2nd passage is very poorly written, missing lots of punctuation and just downright awkward.

Writing is really bad, sorry to say.  Comma can be your best friend...or your worst enemy if you don't know how to use them or just avoid using them.

Huh?  A sock puppet?   OMG!  We have ourselves a pisser here?

HA!  There are some very funny lines!  Some very funny exchanges, even.

You forgot to delete the final page, which always looks so amateur.

But, you know what, I have to admit it.  This is quite funny, very unique, and seems to meet the parameters.

I would definitely call this a pisser, but that isn't always a bad thing, as the intent here is obviously outlandish humor...and you nailed that pretty well.

Writing-wise, this is extremely poor.  The missing commas make it very difficult to read.  Maybe this was intentional to make it really wreak of urine...I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.

Whatever peeps have to say about this, it will be hard to forget it, and that's a good thing.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

So, before we all dive on the SS Unique and sail that saying away off over the January OWC challenge, South Park covered this with Mitch Connor and JLO a few years back. Pushing that aside, it was random as hell and a little bit of fun.

Youíve gone surreal, I liked Kevin and his physical descriptions, kinda added something for me. The dialogue, take an axe to it and speed it up. The chocolates and other bits required werenít really fundamental to the story. Thereís that last page which looks bad, but overall it sort of works.

I like mental scripts, surreal is a rather big deal to moi, and this did okay imo. Itís definitely a romcom so thatís a plus.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. CARROLL HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING


CARROLL'S


Quoted Text
KEVIN CARROLL (25) chows down on a bowl of Wheaties and a
half a dozen hard boiled eggs at the table like a man on a
mission. He weighs close to two hundred fifty pounds, all
upper body, tends to skip leg day.


You need to place him - at a table??


Quoted Text
PEGGY
Listen Kevin we just think you can
do better.


An error you make throughout - you need a comma after Listen.


Quoted Text
Kevin opens Nicole's mouth wide. He rotates Nicole to glance
at him then at his parents. He changes his voice a few
octaves higher, talks through his gritted teeth.


You need to establish that the sock puppet is Nicole earlier - when he raises his hand.


Quoted Text
JIM
It's a little rough with the ultimatum
but they do have a point. Nicole is
a little creepy


Was this supposed to be Kevin??

Reading on - there are typos and grammar errors throughout - too many to mention. This needs a clean-up in that regard.

The roses and chocolates were barely there - not really woven into the story at all.

All that being said...

Despite all of the errors - I love the premise of this one and a lot of your lines landed with me. I think there is talent there - a little more attention to the mechanics would go a long way.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Yes, rom com this is. The premise shows great originality, and it had some very funny moments. I was curious to see how it all ended, and I wonít say it disappointed, but i thought it couldíve ended better too. Not sure how that would be ó maybe another page could have tied this up. This is a story Iíd work on further.

Very good effort!

Steve


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Pretty funny stuff here, and a distinct romantic element. The other parameters feel very tacked on, but you got them there.

This script could use a good edit.

The sock puppet thing doesn't feel too original, but it was a bit of fun.

All the best.


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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this was something different - in a good way.

I have a few quibbles but all fixable.

The parents will allow him to stay living in the family home if he finds a real woman?! Oh well, it's all a bit out there.

I like the off kilter stuff, it's amusing.
I love the montage too. Very funny.

I like Kevin's dependence on the sock puppet - his security blanket - Nicole can never reject him.

I think you have something here (with a few edits and refinements) that would be very funny on screen.

You do seem to have an aversion to commas.

Red, chocs, roses? Not front and centre, but this is a quirky, entertaining, and original take on the challenge.


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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As stated earlier, your logline is a tagline for an ad.

A sock puppet? Kinda silly.

Others have cited the story's poor punctuation, and I concur.

Sorry, but this concept simply doesn't grab me.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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I get the attempts at humor here and they seem to have resonated with others, so consider my opinion to be an outlier. This script just wasn't doing anything for me on a comedic or romantic level, although, as I said, it did for other readers. There is a lot to clean up in the spelling and grammar categories, but that's the easy part. It's certainly not a bad effort, just one that doesn't include me in its target audience.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Not a great logline.

It met the parameters and had me laughing quite a few times with romance in the air including the sock

The writing needs to be cleaned up but besides I enjoyed how it came it about at the end and at least the title makes sense now.

Good job on entering


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

I think some of the other scripts have twisted my mind... because I read the title of this and thought "I bet this is some crude script about boobs" - anyway...

Ha! Started a bit slow, then the puppet came out - loving it.

This is reminding of Two and Half Men when Alan goes a bit crazy and has the ventriloquist doll.

I think you can cut the Jim character ti be honest, he doesn't add anything.

I think you took a risk on this one (And not in some weird sexual/murderous/porno way like others) and for me the risk paid off, bravo! I really enjoyed it - I mean, if I was to see this as a short movie I would have my WTF? face on a lot, but I would thoroughly enjoy it.
Well done to you

Matt


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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Haha,  what a crazy script.

This will stick with me. I laughed most of the time. And it's very romantic. Actually rom com short is harder to get right as opposed to the feature.. And in my opinion you did very well.

The only thing is - I'd get rid of the Montage and just give them a cute dialog to show the attraction between the two. I'm talking about Kevin and Jill.

Veyr funny ending that made great sense.. Great story.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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I want to say I liked it because the visuals are good.

What needs to be worked on:  I think the set up needs to be different. Show him actually obsessed with the work of being a puppeteer.

Show him working so hard that it doesn't allow him much time for anything else. Show him doing some mirror work... Maybe on stage...

Right now, it reads more as crazy than real. I think he belongs in THE CRAZY IN LOVE script!! That would be so cool to see!   You two writers should get together and collaborate. I'd love to read it if you did.

The other problem in this script was his age: he seemed more like a teenager. If you show him working more, you can still keep him at home and have the parents' concern etc... you know what I mean?

This was a memorable story. Cute.

I have to give it good marks for potential.

Thank you for your contribution.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cute story, but you have to figure that Jill, a beautiful 24-year-old, is as wacko as Kevin when she proceeds with the date, so the ending is somewhat predictable. If this plot is the one you want to stick with, there's nothing I can suggest that might make it work better. If you want to go in a different direction, what if the parents hire someone to date Kevin and then "kidnap" Nicole? Just be careful that Kevin doesn't return home missing Nicole -- and the hand it was attached to.
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