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The dialogue is a few drafts behind the rest of it. See below: Grammar and technicalities aside -- it met the parameters. Check. The concept was ok, not groundbreaking. It's been done before. The ending, meh. It served its purpose but you're executing it at a surface level.
The whole kitchen scene with Kevin, his mother, and father -- stuff about him still living at home, and them (his parents) approaching the ends of their ropes with his situation. You maybe reaching for an emotional beat, but I'm not buying it, not even at a dollar store. Why? You failed to set it up. It's clumsy, weak.
But more importantly, you're guilty of a pretty common crime -- and that is -- all scenes are about something or other, and in most scenes people are talking about something or other.
Some writers, MYself included, make a common mistake of having our characters in a scene talk to one another about whatever it is that the scene is about. Yup, sometimes it's unavoidable but as a rule having characters in the scene talk to one another about whatever the scene is about makes for a very dull on-the-nose scene.
More problems with your MONTAGE; An employee shines a light on her, tells her to leave. He takes Nicole off Kevin's hand and escorts her out. Kevin mouths "sorry" Who? Nicole, or Jill. Is he really telling a sock to leave???? I'm assuming its Nicole, but... you've got dual possessive determiners right after the other (her).
It can get rather confusing, because it's poorly constructed.
But what do I know -- I'm just a middle-of-the-road screenwriter (ie: not new but not yet pro level). Kudos for finishing....
Well, that was something. Kind of reminded me of the Ryan Gosling Movie “Lars and the Real Girl”. I guess you can have a romance with a sock. Maybe not a healthy one, mind you, but...
Parts of it were funny, parts were groaners. All comedies have your swings and misses as well as the home run. I feel like this was somewhere in between. It was an interesting concept and I’d really like to see this cleaned up and worked on a little more and see what you come up. A good effort, but just not quite there yet.
Okay, glad to see I'm not the only one to make the Lars and the Real Girl connection. (Maybe my favorite movie ever.)
So, as you can see, my sense of humor allows me to hop right on this ride with you and see where you're going.
And, for the most part, I enjoyed the ride.
Definitely needs a cleanup, but everyone else covered the basics, so I won't pile on.
One inconsistency: in the montage, I read it as the movie theater employee escorts Nicole out. If that's the case, I'd suggest changing it. Nicole is real to Kevin (and maybe later, Jill). No other character recognizes her as real, so the employee shouldn't either.
Anyway, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
I enjoyed this. Well done! It's quite funny in parts and meets the requirements set. A few grammatical errors, but that can be cleaned up. All in all, very enjoyable read. Funny and quite oddly romantic.
This feels like a rushed entry, but maybe that's just your particular style...
I love the opening. It's visual and outrageous. It's hilarious. I was on board for a fun ride. Maybe if the whole world didn't take the sock thing seriously, it would have been. One person at work, fine, but when a random theater employee treats the sock like a real person, the comedy is lost. Kevin is the one who should have been thrown out, maybe he offers to give up Nicole, driving a further wedge between them.
But there's another problem with that whole section of the script. For someone who is so attached to Nicole in the beginning, he sure is quick to toss her aside. There's no competition on his date, the sock is just a third wheel. If anything, that's where Kevin should have been struggling, and Peggy's tolerance of the sock should have brought ample opportunity for some better laughs with that struggle. But he seems to all but forget Nicole is even there. If Nicole had been the protagonist, that could have actually worked, and it would have strengthened the ending too, but that's not the way you went.
As for that ending, it's a little too dark for the warmth to come through. Nicole is either way too personified or Kevin is genuinely insane for the syringe to come into play. If you'd step back from going that far off the rails, it's a touching moment that should have come earlier, like at the end of the date, and the ending be a double-date of sorts, or maybe the socks produce a little bootie, an announcement of a baby but for the socks that is their baby. There are plenty of ways to do it differently, this wasn't it.