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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Perfect Pair - OWC
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  Author    The Perfect Pair - OWC  (currently 1027 views)
_ghostwriters
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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I wont piggyback on what others' have said...

The dialogue is a few drafts behind the rest of it.  See below:  Grammar and technicalities aside -- it met the parameters.   Check.  The concept was ok, not groundbreaking.  It's been done before.  The ending, meh.  It served its purpose but you're executing it at a surface level.

The whole kitchen scene with Kevin, his mother, and father -- stuff about him still living at home, and them (his parents) approaching the ends of their ropes with his situation.  You maybe reaching for an emotional beat, but I'm not buying it, not even at a dollar store.  Why?  You failed to set it up.  It's clumsy, weak.

But more importantly, you're guilty of a pretty common crime -- and that is -- all scenes are about something or other, and in most scenes people are talking about something or other.

Some writers, MYself included, make a common mistake of having our characters in a scene talk to one another about whatever it is that the scene is about.  Yup, sometimes it's unavoidable but as a rule having characters in the scene talk to one another about whatever the scene is about makes for a very dull on-the-nose scene.

More problems with your MONTAGE;  An employee shines a light on her, tells her to leave. He takes Nicole off Kevin's hand and escorts her out. Kevin mouths "sorry"  Who?  Nicole, or Jill.   Is he really telling a sock to leave????  I'm assuming its Nicole, but... you've got dual possessive determiners right after the other (her).

It can get rather confusing, because it's poorly constructed.

But what do I know -- I'm just a middle-of-the-road screenwriter (ie: not new but not yet pro level).  Kudos for finishing....



"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  February 9th, 2019, 6:07pm
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Gary Howell
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was something.  Kind of reminded me of the Ryan Gosling Movie “Lars and the Real Girl”. I guess you can have a romance with a sock. Maybe not a healthy one, mind you, but...

Parts of it were funny, parts were groaners. All comedies have your swings and misses as well as the home run.  I feel like this was somewhere in between.  It was an interesting concept and I’d really like to see this cleaned up and worked on a little more and see what you come up. A good effort, but just not quite there yet.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, glad to see I'm not the only one to make the Lars and the Real Girl connection. (Maybe my  favorite movie ever.)

So, as you can see, my sense of humor allows me to hop right on this ride with you and see where you're going.

And, for the most part, I enjoyed the ride.

Definitely needs a cleanup, but everyone else covered the basics, so I won't pile on.

One inconsistency: in the montage, I read it as the movie theater employee escorts Nicole out. If that's the case, I'd suggest changing it. Nicole is real to Kevin (and maybe later, Jill). No other character recognizes her as real, so the employee shouldn't either.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

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IamGlenn
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I enjoyed this. Well done! It's quite funny in parts and meets the requirements set. A few grammatical errors, but that can be cleaned up. All in all, very enjoyable read. Funny and quite oddly romantic.

Good luck with this,
Glenn


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jayrex
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Very creative.

The logline suits the story too.

Although this story takes the piss.  I really enjoyed it.

For me this meets the romcom part because of the ending.

I wish more scripts were like this one.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Haha, this one was a crazy ride.

Some nitpicky comments:

Quoted Text
PEGGY
Wow someone is a good mood.

Wow, someone is "in" a good mood.

Quoted Text
FRANK
Had a good night son.

A question??

Quoted Text
Jill puts her hand in her purse. Everyone looks on puzzled.
She pulls out her own sock puppet... a large black sock
complete with google eyes, a stuck on goatee and a small red
beret.

I think you should introduce the name of the puppet, Arnold, here.

Definitively a rom-com. It had humor, romance and the premise was original, something different...

The dialogue was on the nose and the script may benefit from an edit, but I enjoyed the read.

The ending was expected but I liked it anyway.

Overall - a good story, and one worth working on further.

Good job!


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ReneC
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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This feels like a rushed entry, but maybe that's just your particular style...

I love the opening. It's visual and outrageous. It's hilarious. I was on board for a fun ride. Maybe if the whole world didn't take the sock thing seriously, it would have been. One person at work, fine, but when a random theater employee treats the sock like a real person, the comedy is lost. Kevin is the one who should have been thrown out, maybe he offers to give up Nicole, driving a further wedge between them.

But there's another problem with that whole section of the script. For someone who is so attached to Nicole in the beginning, he sure is quick to toss her aside. There's no competition on his date, the sock is just a third wheel. If anything, that's where Kevin should have been struggling, and Peggy's tolerance of the sock should have brought ample opportunity for some better laughs with that struggle. But he seems to all but forget Nicole is even there. If Nicole had been the protagonist, that could have actually worked, and it would have strengthened the ending too, but that's not the way you went.

As for that ending, it's a little too dark for the warmth to come through. Nicole is either way too personified or Kevin is genuinely insane for the syringe to come into play. If you'd step back from going that far off the rails, it's a touching moment that should have come earlier, like at the end of the date, and the ending be a double-date of sorts, or maybe the socks produce a little bootie, an announcement of a baby but for the socks that is their baby. There are plenty of ways to do it differently, this wasn't it.

I love the premise, it deserves a rework.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty funny. More comedy than romcom,  but the rom in the com showed up later on, so...

Have you ever seen Lars and the real girl? I loved that film. If I was going to write something for this OWC I would have used a none human as the love object too.

Lots of typos or grammar errors , but I could easily ignore those.

I thought you did well with this one. Would be easy to shoot too. Wouldn’t be surprised if someone asks you for permission.

You would have got high marks from me.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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This struck me as more absurd comedy than real romcom but I kinda liked it.

Made me laugh, some of the imagery conjured up by the socks would be funny on screen and just the central idea struck a chord.

Nice work.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, for what it’s worth, this was very silly. And silly translates to comedy in my book.

Surely this is not perfect in a long shot.  A few rewrites down the line this could easily get produced.  Yes, really.  Jim  Carrey made a lot of crazy ass movies like this.

As far as this contest, it does fall a little short.  But, hell, it made me laugh. A lot.

Good job  
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irish eyes
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone that liked The Perfect Pair!

I had a blast writing it and even managed to keep the tone of the humor down enough to be enjoyed and not disgusted

I'm glad the majority concentrated on the story and not my usual poor grammar. I received a lot of great notes and for sure, they will used. I think this is a short I can work with.

Thanks Again


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