SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 13th, 2020, 8:54pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
Week 5 Scores and Who Wrote What of the
The Writer's Tournament
.

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Perfect Pair - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Perfect Pair - OWC  (currently 1028 views)
Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:23am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14006
Posts Per Day
1.96
The Perfect Pair by Mark Moore (Irisheyes) writing as -  Gram Horse - Short, RomCom - An improbable pair meet their match. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 10th, 2019, 5:22pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
CameronD
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
547
Posts Per Day
0.22
Your logline is not a logline. It's a slogan on a movie poster.

The start is weak. Not much characterization. If Kevin is a man child living at home we need to see him eating more than a box of wheaties. The opening conversation about moving out is rather abrupt cause there is no set up.

Nicole is a sock puppet? Oh god. Oh no.

The sock relationship line is funny. I will give you that.

Canned milk?

The date montage could be funny, but is also absurd considering the third wheel involved. I guess maybe the reveal at the end allows it to happen, but still, this whole script is just, weird. I'd say it could very well be the strangest of the bunch but as its my first read and as this isnt my first OWC I know whats in store for me still.

Dialogue is very OTN. Very bloated. Could easily cut down to 7 pages and not lose a thing. There are funny concepts here, I like the black sock, lol but too strange and wandering for me.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 25
Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11360
Posts Per Day
2.45
Logline is not a good start.

I can't sure, since you didn't set the opening scene very well, but I'd assume that Kevin is sitting down at a table as he's eating.  If that's the case, how would we see his legs to know they're weak and/or thin?  He'd also have to have shorts on.

2nd passage is very poorly written, missing lots of punctuation and just downright awkward.

Writing is really bad, sorry to say.  Comma can be your best friend...or your worst enemy if you don't know how to use them or just avoid using them.

Huh?  A sock puppet?   OMG!  We have ourselves a pisser here?

HA!  There are some very funny lines!  Some very funny exchanges, even.

You forgot to delete the final page, which always looks so amateur.

But, you know what, I have to admit it.  This is quite funny, very unique, and seems to meet the parameters.

I would definitely call this a pisser, but that isn't always a bad thing, as the intent here is obviously outlandish humor...and you nailed that pretty well.

Writing-wise, this is extremely poor.  The missing commas make it very difficult to read.  Maybe this was intentional to make it really wreak of urine...I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.

Whatever peeps have to say about this, it will be hard to forget it, and that's a good thing.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 25
Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
Regular


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...

Location
Glasgow/London/Melbourne
Posts
657
Posts Per Day
0.39
Hi writer,

So, before we all dive on the SS Unique and sail that saying away off over the January OWC challenge, South Park covered this with Mitch Connor and JLO a few years back. Pushing that aside, it was random as hell and a little bit of fun.

You’ve gone surreal, I liked Kevin and his physical descriptions, kinda added something for me. The dialogue, take an axe to it and speed it up. The chocolates and other bits required weren’t really fundamental to the story. There’s that last page which looks bad, but overall it sort of works.

I like mental scripts, surreal is a rather big deal to moi, and this did okay imo. It’s definitely a romcom so that’s a plus.

Cam


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle https://tinyurl.com/y9poervu
Devolution of the Species Podcast https://tinyurl.com/tt9qp3t
Ian's Gone Postal https://tinyurl.com/y7c3wskq
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast https://tinyurl.com/y9bkuhqf
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy https://tinyurl.com/y97zwyhc
Algorithms For Loss https://tinyurl.com/ybx77pfv
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 25
eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5874
Posts Per Day
2.67

Quoted Text
INT. CARROLL HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING


CARROLL'S


Quoted Text
KEVIN CARROLL (25) chows down on a bowl of Wheaties and a
half a dozen hard boiled eggs at the table like a man on a
mission. He weighs close to two hundred fifty pounds, all
upper body, tends to skip leg day.


You need to place him - at a table??


Quoted Text
PEGGY
Listen Kevin we just think you can
do better.


An error you make throughout - you need a comma after Listen.


Quoted Text
Kevin opens Nicole's mouth wide. He rotates Nicole to glance
at him then at his parents. He changes his voice a few
octaves higher, talks through his gritted teeth.


You need to establish that the sock puppet is Nicole earlier - when he raises his hand.


Quoted Text
JIM
It's a little rough with the ultimatum
but they do have a point. Nicole is
a little creepy


Was this supposed to be Kevin??

Reading on - there are typos and grammar errors throughout - too many to mention. This needs a clean-up in that regard.

The roses and chocolates were barely there - not really woven into the story at all.

All that being said...

Despite all of the errors - I love the premise of this one and a lot of your lines landed with me. I think there is talent there - a little more attention to the mechanics would go a long way.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 25
StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2265
Posts Per Day
0.82
Writer,

Yes, rom com this is. The premise shows great originality, and it had some very funny moments. I was curious to see how it all ended, and I won’t say it disappointed, but i thought it could’ve ended better too. Not sure how that would be — maybe another page could have tied this up. This is a story I’d work on further.

Very good effort!

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 25
Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:03am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2866
Posts Per Day
1.87
Hi Writer,

Pretty funny stuff here, and a distinct romantic element. The other parameters feel very tacked on, but you got them there.

This script could use a good edit.

The sock puppet thing doesn't feel too original, but it was a bit of fun.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Shaka Comic Book

Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 25
LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
4536
Posts Per Day
1.05
Well, this was something different - in a good way.

I have a few quibbles but all fixable.

The parents will allow him to stay living in the family home if he finds a real woman?! Oh well, it's all a bit out there.

I like the off kilter stuff, it's amusing.
I love the montage too. Very funny.

I like Kevin's dependence on the sock puppet - his security blanket - Nicole can never reject him.

I think you have something here (with a few edits and refinements) that would be very funny on screen.

You do seem to have an aversion to commas.

Red, chocs, roses? Not front and centre, but this is a quirky, entertaining, and original take on the challenge.


Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
Scooter
Mollycoddled
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 25
Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.02
As stated earlier, your logline is a tagline for an ad.

A sock puppet? Kinda silly.

Others have cited the story's poor punctuation, and I concur.

Sorry, but this concept simply doesn't grab me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 25
Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
2866
Posts Per Day
0.71
I get the attempts at humor here and they seem to have resonated with others, so consider my opinion to be an outlier. This script just wasn't doing anything for me on a comedic or romantic level, although, as I said, it did for other readers. There is a lot to clean up in the spelling and grammar categories, but that's the easy part. It's certainly not a bad effort, just one that doesn't include me in its target audience.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 25
irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1635
Posts Per Day
0.43
Not a great logline.

It met the parameters and had me laughing quite a few times with romance in the air including the sock

The writing needs to be cleaned up but besides I enjoyed how it came it about at the end and at least the title makes sense now.

Good job on entering


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 25
Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1054
Posts Per Day
1.58
Hello Writer

I think some of the other scripts have twisted my mind... because I read the title of this and thought "I bet this is some crude script about boobs" - anyway...

Ha! Started a bit slow, then the puppet came out - loving it.

This is reminding of Two and Half Men when Alan goes a bit crazy and has the ventriloquist doll.

I think you can cut the Jim character ti be honest, he doesn't add anything.

I think you took a risk on this one (And not in some weird sexual/murderous/porno way like others) and for me the risk paid off, bravo! I really enjoyed it - I mean, if I was to see this as a short movie I would have my WTF? face on a lot, but I would thoroughly enjoy it.
Well done to you

Matt


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 25
khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
3814
Posts Per Day
0.96
Haha,  what a crazy script.

This will stick with me. I laughed most of the time. And it's very romantic. Actually rom com short is harder to get right as opposed to the feature.. And in my opinion you did very well.

The only thing is - I'd get rid of the Montage and just give them a cute dialog to show the attraction between the two. I'm talking about Kevin and Jill.

Veyr funny ending that made great sense.. Great story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 25
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3667
Posts Per Day
0.77
I want to say I liked it because the visuals are good.

What needs to be worked on:  I think the set up needs to be different. Show him actually obsessed with the work of being a puppeteer.

Show him working so hard that it doesn't allow him much time for anything else. Show him doing some mirror work... Maybe on stage...

Right now, it reads more as crazy than real. I think he belongs in THE CRAZY IN LOVE script!! That would be so cool to see!   You two writers should get together and collaborate. I'd love to read it if you did.

The other problem in this script was his age: he seemed more like a teenager. If you show him working more, you can still keep him at home and have the parents' concern etc... you know what I mean?

This was a memorable story. Cute.

I have to give it good marks for potential.

Thank you for your contribution.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 25
Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Posts
366
Posts Per Day
0.08
Cute story, but you have to figure that Jill, a beautiful 24-year-old, is as wacko as Kevin when she proceeds with the date, so the ending is somewhat predictable. If this plot is the one you want to stick with, there's nothing I can suggest that might make it work better. If you want to go in a different direction, what if the parents hire someone to date Kevin and then "kidnap" Nicole? Just be careful that Kevin doesn't return home missing Nicole -- and the hand it was attached to.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 25
_ghostwriters
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:06am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1051
Posts Per Day
0.26
I wont piggyback on what others' have said...

The dialogue is a few drafts behind the rest of it.  See below:  Grammar and technicalities aside -- it met the parameters.   Check.  The concept was ok, not groundbreaking.  It's been done before.  The ending, meh.  It served its purpose but you're executing it at a surface level.

The whole kitchen scene with Kevin, his mother, and father -- stuff about him still living at home, and them (his parents) approaching the ends of their ropes with his situation.  You maybe reaching for an emotional beat, but I'm not buying it, not even at a dollar store.  Why?  You failed to set it up.  It's clumsy, weak.

But more importantly, you're guilty of a pretty common crime -- and that is -- all scenes are about something or other, and in most scenes people are talking about something or other.

Some writers, MYself included, make a common mistake of having our characters in a scene talk to one another about whatever it is that the scene is about.  Yup, sometimes it's unavoidable but as a rule having characters in the scene talk to one another about whatever the scene is about makes for a very dull on-the-nose scene.

More problems with your MONTAGE;  An employee shines a light on her, tells her to leave. He takes Nicole off Kevin's hand and escorts her out. Kevin mouths "sorry"  Who?  Nicole, or Jill.   Is he really telling a sock to leave????  I'm assuming its Nicole, but... you've got dual possessive determiners right after the other (her).

It can get rather confusing, because it's poorly constructed.

But what do I know -- I'm just a middle-of-the-road screenwriter (ie: not new but not yet pro level).  Kudos for finishing....



"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
_ghostwriters  -  February 9th, 2019, 6:07pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 25
Gary Howell
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
950
Posts Per Day
0.34
Well, that was something.  Kind of reminded me of the Ryan Gosling Movie “Lars and the Real Girl”. I guess you can have a romance with a sock. Maybe not a healthy one, mind you, but...

Parts of it were funny, parts were groaners. All comedies have your swings and misses as well as the home run.  I feel like this was somewhere in between.  It was an interesting concept and I’d really like to see this cleaned up and worked on a little more and see what you come up. A good effort, but just not quite there yet.

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 25
PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Kansas
Posts
851
Posts Per Day
0.88
Okay, glad to see I'm not the only one to make the Lars and the Real Girl connection. (Maybe my  favorite movie ever.)

So, as you can see, my sense of humor allows me to hop right on this ride with you and see where you're going.

And, for the most part, I enjoyed the ride.

Definitely needs a cleanup, but everyone else covered the basics, so I won't pile on.

One inconsistency: in the montage, I read it as the movie theater employee escorts Nicole out. If that's the case, I'd suggest changing it. Nicole is real to Kevin (and maybe later, Jill). No other character recognizes her as real, so the employee shouldn't either.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 25
IamGlenn
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 8:58am Report to Moderator
Regular


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
667
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hi,

I enjoyed this. Well done! It's quite funny in parts and meets the requirements set. A few grammatical errors, but that can be cleaned up. All in all, very enjoyable read. Funny and quite oddly romantic.

Good luck with this,
Glenn


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 25
jayrex
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 9:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1389
Posts Per Day
0.27
Very creative.

The logline suits the story too.

Although this story takes the piss.  I really enjoyed it.

For me this meets the romcom part because of the ending.

I wish more scripts were like this one.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 19 - 25
Philostrate
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
348
Posts Per Day
0.38
Hi Writer,

Haha, this one was a crazy ride.

Some nitpicky comments:

Quoted Text
PEGGY
Wow someone is a good mood.

Wow, someone is "in" a good mood.

Quoted Text
FRANK
Had a good night son.

A question??

Quoted Text
Jill puts her hand in her purse. Everyone looks on puzzled.
She pulls out her own sock puppet... a large black sock
complete with google eyes, a stuck on goatee and a small red
beret.

I think you should introduce the name of the puppet, Arnold, here.

Definitively a rom-com. It had humor, romance and the premise was original, something different...

The dialogue was on the nose and the script may benefit from an edit, but I enjoyed the read.

The ending was expected but I liked it anyway.

Overall - a good story, and one worth working on further.

Good job!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 25
ReneC
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1112
Posts Per Day
0.34
This feels like a rushed entry, but maybe that's just your particular style...

I love the opening. It's visual and outrageous. It's hilarious. I was on board for a fun ride. Maybe if the whole world didn't take the sock thing seriously, it would have been. One person at work, fine, but when a random theater employee treats the sock like a real person, the comedy is lost. Kevin is the one who should have been thrown out, maybe he offers to give up Nicole, driving a further wedge between them.

But there's another problem with that whole section of the script. For someone who is so attached to Nicole in the beginning, he sure is quick to toss her aside. There's no competition on his date, the sock is just a third wheel. If anything, that's where Kevin should have been struggling, and Peggy's tolerance of the sock should have brought ample opportunity for some better laughs with that struggle. But he seems to all but forget Nicole is even there. If Nicole had been the protagonist, that could have actually worked, and it would have strengthened the ending too, but that's not the way you went.

As for that ending, it's a little too dark for the warmth to come through. Nicole is either way too personified or Kevin is genuinely insane for the syringe to come into play. If you'd step back from going that far off the rails, it's a touching moment that should have come earlier, like at the end of the date, and the ending be a double-date of sorts, or maybe the socks produce a little bootie, an announcement of a baby but for the socks that is their baby. There are plenty of ways to do it differently, this wasn't it.

I love the premise, it deserves a rework.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 21 - 25
Grandma Bear
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
God of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6814
Posts Per Day
1.50
I thought this was pretty funny. More comedy than romcom,  but the rom in the com showed up later on, so...

Have you ever seen Lars and the real girl? I loved that film. If I was going to write something for this OWC I would have used a none human as the love object too.

Lots of typos or grammar errors , but I could easily ignore those.

I thought you did well with this one. Would be easy to shoot too. Wouldn’t be surprised if someone asks you for permission.

You would have got high marks from me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 25
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3182
Posts Per Day
1.29
This struck me as more absurd comedy than real romcom but I kinda liked it.

Made me laugh, some of the imagery conjured up by the socks would be funny on screen and just the central idea struck a chord.

Nice work.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 25
DaveTroop
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
at my desk
Posts
132
Posts Per Day
0.04
Okay, for what it’s worth, this was very silly. And silly translates to comedy in my book.

Surely this is not perfect in a long shot.  A few rewrites down the line this could easily get produced.  Yes, really.  Jim  Carrey made a lot of crazy ass movies like this.

As far as this contest, it does fall a little short.  But, hell, it made me laugh. A lot.

Good job  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 25
irish eyes
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1635
Posts Per Day
0.43
Thanks to everyone that liked The Perfect Pair!

I had a blast writing it and even managed to keep the tone of the humor down enough to be enjoyed and not disgusted

I'm glad the majority concentrated on the story and not my usual poor grammar. I received a lot of great notes and for sure, they will used. I think this is a short I can work with.

Thanks Again


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 25
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006

*No, it isn't