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Valen Crimes by B. Hynde Bars - Short, RomCom - A party business has issues, but from what? A computer virus or a deep-seated Valentine's fear. Perhaps it's AMORaphobia and unfulfilled dreams. Whatever it is: Revenge is sweet on an ugly street where two struggling love birds play a different kind of role. 10 pages - pdf format
A couple strange formatting things right off the top: the date being listed in the slugline instead of a super or something like that. Then, "MALE CUSTOMER", but he's immediately referred to as "BUCKO". Some other strange choices so far: You use "wha-haut" and "whahaut" interchangeably and I'm waiting to see if it matters that Jack isn't married to Janet, otherwise why refer to him as a "common law boyfriend"? After the explanation you give, not necessary to include. You can get across that they've been in a relationship for a long time without getting married without ever bringing it up.
I'll be entirely honest when I say that, by the time this was over, Joe Louis just beat the shit out of me. I couldn't make sense of the plot, the word phrasings, the (I assume) jumps in time, except that she and Bucko (I'm guessing) did the Valencrimes Virus? From a pure writing standpoint, it feels like a veteran of the site, but there were a lot of misspellings and almost no commas anywhere to be found. It was tough to read through and one that I didn't particularly enjoy, not because it's bad but because it's... dense.
Ok, first one out of the gate, let's see what we got...
As always, just my two cents...
This is a strange sequence to begin with. The dialogue and action sequences are really off-kilter.
Okay, so it was a dream. What was the point of the dream? Will it have any applicability to the rest of the story?
Jack and Janet seem to have strange interactions for people that are living together. Not sure how to view that.
I'm trying to follow the story, but it's just all over the place and the dialogue is nonsensical. I really do not get anything going on here at all. There doesn't seem to be a plot, other than the Valencrimes virus seems to be affecting Janet's shop. That's about all I'm getting out of it. Sorry, but congrats on getting an entry in.
Needs plenty of work, from the too-long logline to the clunky dialogue and the clumsy descriptions. Plus, where's the romance in this romantic comedy. (The comedy needs some punching up, too.) Back to the drawing board.
I have no idea what i just read and I got through to the end...ROMCOM? I don't think so Neither romantic or funny... or chocolates, flowers and red for that matter.. Or maybe the welsh costume was the RED but i don't think some other readers would know that.
Wow, not sure where all that was going and then went.
It kinda bumbles along, full of tally talk that just doesnít really say or go anywhere. There was some kinda romance there, comedy was lacking for my own taste (obviously completely subjective). You basically could hack lines out of this and make it a 5 page work, but Iím still not sure itíd resolve itself with the current through line.
On the upside, you're hitting the zany sauce pretty hard, and I likes me some zany. I think some of it is genuinely, and organically funny. On the downside, I had a hard time following what the heck was going on, so my interest wandered.
I think this needs a significant overhaul, from content to writing... with a sharp focus on what is relevant to the story, on what establishes story -vs- what doesn't establish story... and then cull the excess stuff. This is JMHO.
I'm guessing this is written by someone who isn't fluent in English. The grammar suggests a different primary language.
There are some really good lines hidden away in here, but they're lost in the mess. The dialogue is nonsensical and the story is really hard to understand. The humour is kinda there, or at least you tried with the dialogue.
If you are new to screenwriting, you're off to a great start, aside from the language barrier. There are some mistakes in the formatting, but nothing that can't be fixed simply by reading more professional screenplays to see how things are done.
Hello Writer - This is my last one soooo... please make it a good one
That title page - hideous
Wait, you have written that she mistakes this guy for someone else BEFORE it actually happens, gave me a head scratch moment - Also, remember that the reader is also an intelligent being (most of the time) In other words, we all know a bell above a shop door signals a customer has come in and let us see that she mistakes the guy for someone else, don't tell us first.
The conversation, why can't she call him Bucko? he literally just told her that was his name - and she is rude as fuck for a shop owner, but not in a 'Black Books' funny kinda way.
I'm trying to follow this - I just can't. I don't know what's going on - whats crypto? where did the computer come from?
Wait all that was a dream? come on, is it relevant at least, I'm gonna skip ahead and find out... nope not relevant, no Bucko and no Men in Black in the rest of the script.
This is my last one, I'm fatigued, I can't go on anymore