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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Valen Crimes - OWC
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  Author    Valen Crimes - OWC  (currently 388 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Valen Crimes by B. Hynde Bars - Short, RomCom - A party business has issues, but from what? A computer virus or a deep-seated Valentine's fear. Perhaps it's AMORaphobia and unfulfilled dreams. Whatever it is: Revenge is sweet on an ugly street where two struggling love birds play a different kind of role. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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A couple strange formatting things right off the top: the date being listed in the slugline instead of a super or something like that. Then, "MALE CUSTOMER", but he's immediately referred to as "BUCKO". Some other strange choices so far: You use "wha-haut" and "whahaut" interchangeably and I'm waiting to see if it matters that Jack isn't married to Janet, otherwise why refer to him as a "common law boyfriend"? After the explanation you give, not necessary to include. You can get across that they've been in a relationship for a long time without getting married without ever bringing it up.

I'll be entirely honest when I say that, by the time this was over, Joe Louis just beat the shit out of me. I couldn't make sense of the plot, the word phrasings, the (I assume) jumps in time, except that she and Bucko (I'm guessing) did the Valencrimes Virus? From a pure writing standpoint, it feels like a veteran of the site, but there were a lot of misspellings and almost no commas anywhere to be found. It was tough to read through and one that I didn't particularly enjoy, not because it's bad but because it's... dense.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Let's start with the logline - WAY too long, detailed...and strange.

Title page is cool and I like the fake writer's name.  Let's see what we have here...

Don't put a date in your Slug.  If it's important, you need a SUPER

When you intro a chararcter, yuo need to set the age and description off with commas, or parenthesis.

How old is the "MALE CUSTOMER"?  Mistake here - as this is obviously Bucko...or whatever his whole name is.

No clue what's supposed to be going on here, but the dialogue ain't working for this Kid, the story/plot doesn't seem to be there, and I'm gonna bail early, sorry to say.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, first one out of the gate, let's see what we got...

As always, just my two cents...

This is a strange sequence to begin with.  The dialogue and action sequences are really off-kilter.

Okay, so it was a dream.  What was the point of the dream?  Will it have any applicability to the rest of the story?  

Jack and Janet seem to have strange interactions for people that are living together.  Not sure how to view that.

I'm trying to follow  the story, but it's just all over the place and the dialogue is nonsensical.  I really do not get anything going on here at all.  There doesn't seem to be a plot, other than the Valencrimes virus seems to be affecting Janet's shop.  That's about all I'm getting out of it.   Sorry, but congrats on getting an entry in.

Best,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. TRENDY PARTIES BOUTIQUE - FEBRUARY 10, DAY

JANET 30s wears her garb of the day. A long Welsh dress and
apron with a stove-pipe hat. She decorates the window with
shiny red hearts, but with a half-hearted work ethic.


A bit rough out of the gate. I would not put a date in a header - s/b a SUPER and you need commas or ( ) around the age.

Bucko was never intro'd as a character. JANET


Quoted Text
Mr. William Lockheed The Third of
The Wonderful Casting Company


You need a , or a . after Lockheed.


Quoted Text
JANET
Wha-haut coma? You one of those
Mandella affected? Ooooh, the truth
is out there


Haven't a clue what this means.

The more I read the more I get lost. I'm just not getting the references.

This wasn't for me - sorry.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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Utterly mad in an ingenious way but tough to get through too.

Loved the sequence on page 8.

You have talent but need more focus imho.
And more romance for a RomCom.

Were there chocs, roses, and red?
Probably. Everything else was in there.  


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
JANET
Wha-haut coma? You one of those
Mandella affected? Ooooh, the truth
is out there.


I understand the words but have no idea what the mean when put together in this order.


Quoted Text
creepy images of TWO MEN IN BLACK


I don't know what I'm meant to be seeing here. What are they doing that makes it creepy?

Iím going to step away from this one on page 4. Sorry but it has absolutely nothing going on to keep me invested, at least nothing I can understand.

I went back and read the comments to see if I was missing the point, clearly Libby sees something here, I'm not sure what.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Needs plenty of work, from the too-long logline to the clunky dialogue and the clumsy descriptions. Plus, where's the romance in this romantic comedy. (The comedy needs some punching up, too.) Back to the drawing board.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Ahh fancy title page with a long winded logline

I have no idea what i just read and I got through to the end...ROMCOM? I don't think so
Neither romantic or funny... or chocolates, flowers and red for that matter.. Or maybe the welsh costume was the RED but i don't think some other readers would know that.

Very tough read didn't enjoy it sorry

Good job on entering


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Philostrate
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Christ!

This one was tough, tough, tough...

Full of nonsensical dialogue.

Libby saw something, but I've no idea of what was going on.

Sorry, but this one wasn't for me.

Good job on entering, though.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Wow, not sure where all that was going and then went.

It kinda bumbles along, full of tally talk that just doesnít really say or go anywhere. There was some kinda romance there, comedy was lacking for my own taste (obviously completely subjective). You basically could hack lines out of this and make it a 5 page work, but Iím still not sure itíd resolve itself with the current through line.

Not for me but you might get some other takers,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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IamGlenn
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

A lot of creativity gone into that title page.

First slug is not right. "Int/ext. Location - Time of day" will do.

Sorry, about halfway through and not a clue what's going on. The dialogue is crazy and everything just seemed a bit bonkers.

G'luck,
Glenn


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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On the upside, you're hitting the zany sauce pretty hard, and I likes me some zany.  I think some of it is genuinely, and organically funny.   On the downside, I had a hard time following what the heck was going on, so my interest wandered.

I think this needs a significant overhaul, from content to writing... with a sharp focus on what is relevant to the story, on what establishes story -vs- what doesn't establish story... and then cull the excess stuff.  This is JMHO.

Kudos for finishing.


THE HUNT FOR D.B. COOPER

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

HEATWAVE


THE SLEEPING TIGER

STINGRAY: SPECIAL EDITION

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing this is written by someone who isn't fluent in English. The grammar suggests a different primary language.

There are some really good lines hidden away in here, but they're lost in the mess. The dialogue is nonsensical and the story is really hard to understand. The humour is kinda there, or at least you tried with the dialogue.

If you are new to screenwriting, you're off to a great start, aside from the language barrier. There are some mistakes in the formatting, but nothing that can't be fixed simply by reading more professional screenplays to see how things are done.

Good effort.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer - This is my last one soooo... please make it a good one

That title page - hideous

Wait, you have written that she mistakes this guy for someone else BEFORE it actually happens, gave me a head scratch moment - Also, remember that the reader is also an intelligent being (most of the time) In other words, we all know a bell above a shop door signals a customer has come in and let us see that she mistakes the guy for someone else, don't tell us first.

The conversation, why can't she call him Bucko? he literally just told her that was his name - and she is rude as fuck for a shop owner, but not in a 'Black Books' funny kinda way.

I'm trying to follow this - I just can't. I don't know what's going on - whats crypto? where did the computer come from?

Wait all that was a dream? come on, is it relevant at least, I'm gonna skip ahead and find out... nope not relevant, no Bucko and no Men in Black in the rest of the script.

This is my last one, I'm fatigued, I can't go on anymore

Best of luck to you

Matt


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