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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Rough Love - OWC
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  Author    Rough Love - OWC  (currently 993 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rough Love by Matthew Taylor (Matthew) writing as A Hopeless Romantic - Short, RomCom - When a homeless man falls for a commuter, he must build his confidence in order to say hello. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 2nd, 2019, 10:40am
revised draft
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henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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They say home is where the heart is, so it makes sense for a homeless man to fall in love with a woman waiting for the bus

pg. 1 - “Good morning darlin’”, missing a period after “darlin’”.
pg. 2 - Frank caught in the tub was very funny.
pg. 3 - Foul-mouthed Fin yelling at Frank was also funny.
pg. 3 - I enjoy the scene of Frank singing on the street, and the child’s response to that. I really like the character Frank.
pg. 4, 5 - I hate the two suits, but that chicken line was funny and clever.
pg. 5 - I would change ‘floor’ to ‘ground’.
pg. 8 - ‘Franks shoe.’ should be ‘Frank’s shoe’
pg. 8 - Fin strikes again Another funny interaction.
pg. 9 - I think the final line could be better. Maybe before the final line Mary could say something about how much she cannot stand the two suits?

This featured some funny moments. Frank in the tub (and the transition following that scene),  Fin, and the chicken line were definite highlights for me. This script I thought was the most romantic I have read so far.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer!!!

So I’ve been nearly boring myself to tears by jumping on the ultra high “that’s not a romcom” horse, and riding it from review to review. This, however, has made me dismount from that almighty steed and congratulate you on successfully (in my opinion) crafting a real, thoroughbred ROMANTIC COMEDY!!! Wooooooo!!

Now, there’s a few typos in there, that’s basic and can be easily fixed, but I really enjoyed Frank and his little adventure in trying to woo Mary. There was a real charm to this and it was funny, especially aided by the revolving repetition of characters.

He sees someone, wants to take said person out, faces almighty challenges to tart himself up and when all looks lost he finally succeeds! I’d call the previous sentence a spoiler, but the thing about romcoms is you know exactly what’ll happen, you achieved it too...

Well done,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
HOMELESS MAN sleeps in the doorway of an abandoned shop,
their body covered in layers of thick dirty blankets.


Got to be two or more men - or - should he his body covered...

This was a bit difficult to follow at times. I think part of the problem is that other than a few instances the characters don't have names (e.g., SUIT 1, SUIT 2, MAN, etc.) - so I was constantly re-calibrating who was who.

I do like the tale - a homeless man stepping it up for Valentine's, To me, this would read much sweeter if you nuked the SUIT 1 and 2 and just have the Homeless Man taken by this woman and go about the business of readying himself for Valentine's.

Congrats on getting one done.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Not really enamoured. The premise is good (I seem to be saying that a lot lately) the execution is just a bit messy imho.

Too many characters muddy the waters.
Plus I need a little backstory to elicit sympathy for Frank - how he's come to be homeless etc.

Good morning darlin'
Fuck off hobo!
Lines like those above, offset with a comma.
Good morning, darlin'.

His choices are dubious (breaking in to shower) and his behaviour, (curt, rude to the barber) doesn't make me think  he's  a keeper.

Rewrite and stick to the two main leads, and maybe Fin.
The Les Mis singing was amusing but do away with the kid's reaction.

Mixed bag for me, but has potential.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the bat, I have issues here.  "MAIN STREET" is hardly setting your scene.  1st of all it's far from painting a picture, but what picture does it paint at all?  Is this a "rural" Main Street?  A "downtown" Main Street?  Who knows.

Opening passage does nothing to help, but I guess we're talking about a small rural place?

"HOMELESS MAN" - I sure hope this isn't our main character, cuz that';s a pretty shitty name.  We now know that it must be cold wherever this takes place, based on the "layers of dirty blankets".

But wait...2 "SUITS"?  As in 2 guys wearing suits?  Maybe it's not rural at all.  Are these 2 suits right next to the MILF?  I didn't read it that way at all.

Another wrylie!  What's with all the wrylies?  Like every single script!

OK< so we have the setup of a fairytale here and with the right lead male, chicks could dig this, but for me, I will not be taking it remotely seriously...cuz it's obviously not meant to be...I hope.

Hmmm, so Mary is leaving wherever Main Street is at 9:00 AM...to go to work somewhere else?  Seems odd, but again, I have no idea where we're supposed to be.  Maybe we'll find out...

Next scene is redonkulous...I seriously don't get it at all.  Frank would obviously be thrown in jail and spend alot of time there.  Fairytale...it's just a fairytale, Jeff.  C'mon, Man...calm down...

Well, we must have a non American writing this, as the wording is odd.  Lost of punctuation problems yet again.

"Barbers"  huh?  I've seen this numerous times.  Do you mean, "Barber's"?  Never seen it like this.

Yeah...I gotta stop.  Writing is very poor throughout to the point I have to bail out.  Sorry.

*







To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

At first I thought British - then some Americanisms "Soda can" threw me off.

Mary seems interested in him from the beginning (smiling). thought a build up as to why she would be interested would have been nice, would have made me want Frank to go and talk to her more.

Funny moments, I guess romantic but I wouldn't know romantic if it hit me in the face. I liked Fin in an annoying way.

Overall I liked it. Frank redeemed himself by giving his stuff away at the end. Well done for incorporating the chocolates and roses as more than mere props - the red however, what the woman is wearing, appears in a lot of these entries so far.

Well done on completing the challenge

Matt


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer


Quoted Text
SUIT 2 (O.C.)


Not a big deal, everyone knows what you mean, but O.C. is more of a sitcom thing, O.S. would be better.

It would probably read better if you changed up the perspective every once in a while. At the moment it reads like a list, Frank does this, Frank does that, Frank does this.

I feel like the dialogue is messing with the sweet tone of the story.

It has some comedy and romantic elements, but the tone is all over the place. Tone down the language and crude humour and this would be a good script. I don’t feel it quite gets there as is.

All the best.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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we can't name suit 1 and 2? ...  Thing 1 and thing 2

Valentine's day... not original

The story itself was sweet but some of the characters were assholes and IMO drop the F bombs and you could actually have a nice ROMCOM

Maybe concentrate more on Frank and Mary and less on Suit 1 or 2 I can't remember which one which is why names are always good... That's just lazy

Nice story

Good job on entering


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

Not too bad at all. Romantic and funny in parts. The overall story is a nice one, even it's a little clumsy getting to its conclusion. The Suit getting his comeuppance was nice, and the ending was sweet.

With a little more work this could be great.

Good luck,
Glenn


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I'd give some love to the scripts with little reads today.

Star Wars:everybody seems to have a name no matter how little screentime or hidden-in-the-background. From 'Kardue'sai'Malloc' to 'Vilmarh Grahrk'.

I would avoid the #1 and #2 approach.  Unless they are one-line characters who show up briefly in one scene, or just random people, and it doesn't matter who is saying the line, ect... then numbering is fine I guess.   Personally -- I name all my characters for reasons that may not be obvious to you.

That being said, here -- you have Suit #1 and Suit# 2, they're significant recurring characters, I would name them.  In fact, I wanted to see less of them and more of Mary & Frank.  When you go back and take a hard look at your story, something to consider.

For future reference... "The Big Chill" comes to mind as one of the best examples of introducing a lot of characters visually.  

Overall, it's a cute story, no doubt.  Just needs a bit more work to get it to where it needs to be.
JMHO.  Kudos for finishing.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff hates orphans and I hate F-tards. Whatcha gonna do.

Sorry, but...  

SUIT 2
You've fucked it.

The pair laugh. Suit 1 takes a swig from a soda CAN, throws
it onto the sleeping Homeless Man.

The bulge of blankets raises up, slips down off FRANK (40's)
bushy beard, matted hair, piercing blue eyes.

FRANK
I'm lying here! Fucktard.

Maybe after the challenge, I'll try and come back and review and pretend it's not there.

You entered, that's gotta be good!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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StevenClark
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Don’t know about anyone else but I was very confused throughout this story. Your passages read awkward at times, you had several characters with no names, and way too many characters in general. This was difficult to get through. I read it all, but it didn’t help. Like I thought it might all come together and make sense. I guess this just wasn’t for me — and maybe I missed a good story in there somewhere. Good effort.

Steve


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hawkeye
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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So this Frank guy sounds like a real keeper for Mary. He breaks into homes, and he kidnaps a guy and steals his suit (does it matter whether he’s a jerk?). Sounds like the perfect date.

Seriously though, this had so much potential, but I think you ruined it by taking a bunch of stock, generic, bad guys and making them bigger in the plot than they needed to be. I think you should have instead focused on ways for him to make money to get the things he needed, like the singing for coins. Then you’d have a much stronger story, IMO.

Writing and descriptions are a tad rough in places, but the story and the challenge were more my focus. I think you had the most of the elements of the challenge covered, just not convinced the storyline you took was the best way to go.

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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We have a rom com! It's a little light on the comedy, but it's there.

The premise is good. You have a sympathetic character in Frank, you establish a clear goal for him, you give us obstacles, an all-is-lost moment, and a resolution. It's a clear story arc, and that sets it apart from many of the OWC scripts that really are just scenes.

You should name Suit 1 and Suit 2. They're recurring characters, not single-use throwaways. They're mustache-twirling villains, you could tone that down, but it was good to see one of them get his due.

My biggest complaint is in the execution of the ending. It would be better if Mary acknowledged his selflessness, if she approached him because he gave up the flowers and the chocolates. He went through the effort and he demonstrated his character, not just improved his appearance. Have her acknowledge that, and then we'll believe there might be a future for them.

Well done, this one works for me.


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