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The Proposal by - Slug Horn - Short, RomCom - A nerdy lawyer gets up the nerve to propose to his girlfriend of three years. But his proposal results in some very unexpected consequences. 9 pages - pdf format
It is refreshing to see Times New Roman because you hardly see that anymore. It was interesting to follow this story as it went along because, spelling- and grammar-wise, you had almost no issues in the beginning and they started to pile up more and more as you went along. The story itself was going fine, I was in for the ride, but then... the roaches. Unfortunately, I don't think your script survived that choice.
This script reads more like a drama with romance and ends with silliness. I didn't get the comedic part. I also thought the ending didn't quite flow with the rest of the story and Mary's character. Just felt out of place.
The formatting is off. Scene headers don't have the proper spacing - may want to consider a software change.
Break-up your descriptive passages a bit so we can see them in distinct chunks. e.g., at least to me:
MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching red vest. Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on the bed munching on chips and candy.
Is easier to digest as this:
MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching red vest.
Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on the bed munching on chips and candy.
DENNIS That flower is in your hair is working the hell out of that vest, girl…
I think you lose Dennis' voice here - doesn't sound like something the character you established would say.
I found the dialogue between the two a bit boring. Sorry - maybe just me.
No - I didn't buy the roaches as a device for total character change. Sorry.
Congrats on entering - the story didn't do much for me though.
The first scene told us all we need to know about Mary's relationship with Dennis, making the scene in the restaurant mostly superfluous. Perhaps you should go straight to the scene where she rejects him. And her reaction to the chocolate roaches is so extreme, you might to drop a hint earlier on that this was a possibility so she doesn't come off as a total nutjob.
I won’t put the boot in, I’ll just keep it brief as things seem largely covered above.
I think you’ve probably used word, download an old version of Celtx for free, it’ll save you. Cut down your description passages, keep it active. Really trim your dialogue, a lot of it we get the point after two lines but it rolls for nearly a page.
The story was a bit odd but there’s an idea there and that’s the main thing, now practice on getting it across to the reader and you’ll be singing/dancing/happier.
Well done on entering, get some practice in and come back swinging next challenge round.