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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Proposal - OWC
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  Author    The Proposal - OWC  (currently 473 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Proposal by -  Slug Horn - Short, RomCom - A nerdy lawyer gets up the nerve to propose to his girlfriend of three years. But his proposal results in some very unexpected consequences. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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We'll, this was different...

Um, is this written in Courier? It looks odd. I will focus on story and let Jeff point out your formatting idiosyncrasies, how's that?

Lie v lay
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie
That much I will add.

I'd personally do away with the opening banter between Mary and Sheila.  It's exposition mainly and though mildly amusing doesn't add too much overall.

SPOILERS AHEAD:


Chocolate covered roaches?

I thought for a minutes she'd confused them with chocolate covered rose petals, or something else?

That said , sorry to say, I didn't get their hypnotic effect, on Mary, nor the radical change of mind Mary has.

I like all the French stuff and you set the mood well.


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

Don't want to focus too much on formatting, but it's all over the place here. Don't know what software you used, but I'd recommend a different one.

The dialogue, from the get go, is pretty tough to get through. Sorry, had to bail about halfway through. So, so much unnecessary dialogue and huge action blocks.

Wasn't for me.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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It is refreshing to see Times New Roman because you hardly see that anymore. It was interesting to follow this story as it went along because, spelling- and grammar-wise, you had almost no issues in the beginning and they started to pile up more and more as you went along. The story itself was going fine, I was in for the ride, but then... the roaches. Unfortunately, I don't think your script survived that choice.


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jayrex
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This script reads more like a drama with romance and ends with silliness.  I didn't get the comedic part.  I also thought the ending didn't quite flow with the rest of the story and Mary's character.  Just felt out of place.


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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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The formatting is off. Scene headers don't have the proper spacing  - may want to consider a software change.

Break-up your descriptive passages a bit so we can see them in distinct chunks. e.g., at least to me:

This:


Quoted Text
MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic
form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching
red vest. Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on
the bed munching on chips and candy.


Is easier to digest as this:

MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic
form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching
red vest.

Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on
the bed munching on chips and candy.


Quoted Text
DENNIS
That flower is in your hair is working the hell
out of that vest, girl…


I think you lose Dennis' voice here - doesn't sound like something the character you established would say.

I found the dialogue between the two a bit boring. Sorry - maybe just me.

No - I didn't buy the roaches as a device for total character change. Sorry.

Congrats on entering - the story didn't do much for me though.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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The script format trying to be more clever than the story.
90 minutes later should be a super not in a slug.

I got through the story and there wasn't much there to entice, just a back and forth between the couple with roaches apparently the weakness for Mary.

Not great sorry

Good job on entering


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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As already noted... formatting is very off, no idea what software you are using but it needs changing... and you don't normally put scene numbers in a spec script.

Right, onto the story.

She wears a form-fitting red dress over cleavage revealing white blouse - writer is a man

Ellipsis are three dots ...

This was a little predictable, well until the ending!

The ending, sorry just didn't work for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

This doesn’t look like a script at all. I'm sure there is a lot of free software out there that you can use.

Not really much going on here. The dialogue is over the top and on the nose.

Sorry but this one wasn’t for me.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Philostrate
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I appreciate the effort, but the story was a little boring for me - sorry.

It was rather predictable until the end where the change of heart of Mary felt very out of place.

The weird formatting didn't help.

Good job on entering, though.


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khamanna
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi.

I imagine there are a lot of comments on formatting. Please listen to others, formatting is important. It should be Courier New, page numbers should go in the right-hand corner.

Just look up other scripts to copy the format.

The opening is passive. A lot of passive continuous tense. "is dressing" better be just "dresses"

The dialog reads somewhat stilted but that's a question of a rewrite.
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Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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The first scene told us all we need to know about Mary's relationship with Dennis, making the scene in the restaurant mostly superfluous. Perhaps you should go straight to the scene where she rejects him. And her reaction to the chocolate roaches is so extreme, you might to drop a hint earlier on that this was a possibility so she doesn't come off as a total nutjob.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Hello Writer,

The story had some strength with identifying the female character's weakness: in that she was willing to settle.

The dialogue felt a little too on point.

The end with the roaches came out of the blue and that is negative for me.

Mostly, though, you have something here so good work.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Um, is this written in Courier? It looks odd. I will focus on story and let Jeff point out your formatting idiosyncrasies, how's that?


And here's Jeff!!!!!

Title page looks off.

Yeah, we have issues here immediately.  The font is off, it appears to be all bold, spacing is off, and what's with all these numbers?  Lots of free screenwriting software out there - GET SOME!!

Opening Slug is incorrect - start with the biggest thing, then work down to smaller.  This should be INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oh boy, so many issues in the first passage!  Passive writing, overwritten, and the old "lay/lie" problem.

Dialogue does not remotely sound like 24 and 23 year old chicks!

GET RID OF THE CONTINUED on every page!!!

I'm sorry...I just don't have time for this any longer.  Best of luck.

*



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

I won’t put the boot in, I’ll just keep it brief as things seem largely covered above.

I think you’ve probably used word, download an old version of Celtx for free, it’ll save you. Cut down your description passages, keep it active. Really trim your dialogue, a lot of it we get the point after two lines but it rolls for nearly a page.

The story was a bit odd but there’s an idea there and that’s the main thing, now practice on getting it across to the reader and you’ll be singing/dancing/happier.

Well done on entering, get some practice in and come back swinging next challenge round.

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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