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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Of Death - OWC
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  Author    Of Death - OWC  (currently 639 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Of Death by This Guy Right Here - Short, RomCom - A man has a date with your not-so-typical angel. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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jayrex
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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For what it was.  It was good to me.  I like the angle.  Nicely executed.  I feel this has hit the mark.  I think this one could be easily filmed too.  Tracy's age was mentioned but not Marcus.


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

This was written well. I didn't find it funny or all that romantic though. A lot of talking and no real point to end with.

Didn't work for me as it might for others.

Good luck,
Glenn



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Mr. Blonde  -  February 2nd, 2019, 10:22am
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Glenn,

Please remember not to list your actual scores inside the script threads themselves. You'll get a scorecard for that later. Just a heads up. Thank you.


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Noted. I'll keep the scores to myself until the scorecard


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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You know, this one reminded me of the old style I used to write in. If I didn't know better, I'd say I did write it... but I know better. I liked it, overall, minor flaws aside. It's a nice, little talk piece with two characters who are somewhat likable. Some people might say that you should've used the remaining two pages of flesh them out a bit more, but I don't agree. You get enough across without overstaying your welcome.


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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Writing is solid - crisp and clean.

Based on my personal tastes in Rom/Coms I shouldn't have liked this. But I did.

It did take me a sec or so to get my bearings straight on page one - i.e., Marcus was in the after-life. Guess I really need to be hit with a hammer - e.g., the ghost of Marcus or something.

A bit light on the romance angle, but you did a nice job here. Well written.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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There's nothing says romantic comedy than a dead guy in a bathtub

The story was pretty good but as far as a ROM COM to me it's way off the mark.
Not much humor at all. I guess walking hand in hand with the Angel of death as a last wish would fall under romantic.

Just a little too deep for the genre for me.

Good job on entering


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

You know there's a theme building for me in this challenge, regarding the idea of romantic comedies and what the hell they are.

I genuinely think this is an exceptional little screenplay, absolutely bloody great and I actually felt quite emotional by the end of it. It's easy to film, reads with ease, has the right quality of intrigue spliced with honest filth in the dialogue. The concept is really nice and hell, it was just quite a beautiful little comment on loneliness, longing and general male perversion.

The kicker? This is definitely not a romantic comedy. It's quirky, but not a comedy, and a comment on the Male disposition (re sexual obsession) rather than romantic.

I really think this has a chance of getting picked up as conceptually it's great, but regarding the challenge it's just not fitting the mould...

Well done on the writing, and sorry to rule it out of my voting for the winning spots, but I do hope it goes on screen somewhere.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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James McClung
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Your title and logline spill the beans right off the bat. The first sentence confirms it. Indeed, the rest of the script follows suit. Exactly what I expected this to be. I would've tried to be a bit more suggestive.

Not impressed by the humor. Seems intent on being edgy, which I'm by no means above, and yet doesn't come off particularly clever or original. The dialogue also seems to weave in and out of focus and plods along without any actions to change course or break things up. I would've doubled down on Marcus trying to figure out who Tracy is and subsequently introduce the request for the walk much earlier. The walk is ostensibly what's supposed to make this romantic, so it's important it carry some weight sooner rather than later, and would also provide a more solid throughline for the proceedings.

Also didn't understand the purpose of the roses and chocolates. Clearly Marcus didn't have a breakup or something like that. He couldn't have gotten them for Tracy if he didn't know they were going to meet (unless you're doing some sort of weird magical realism here, which wouldn't been interesting but needs more development). At this point, the items come off as forced/arbitrary.

There's stuff to work with here. But I'm not crazy about the execution. Feels flat and unfocused. I do think you more or less meet the parameters of the challenge though. Congrats on putting something out there.


Click here to see my scripts...

Upcoming: Even the Cold-Blooded Need Love Sometimes (Comedy, Romance, Horror)
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RolandJ
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Unique perspective on the subject.
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Zack
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty well written, but the story just didn't really work for me.

Tracy mentions that they are on a date, but I didn't really get that. I guess you could argue it's the whole "a date with death" angle, but that's a bit weak for me. Also didn't really like Tracy's dialog. Kinda crude. I think it's supposed to be funny, but it was kinda off-putting. Again, may be a personal thing.

I do think the ending saves this a little bit. I thought it was cute that Marcus just wanted to take Tracy for a walk in the park.

Good effort.

Zack
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Well, well, well...lots of feedback on this one.  Does it deserve it?  Let';s see...

Opening not very ROMCOMy, but I see you immediately threw in the roses, chocolates, and all the "red" you could think of.  HA!!

Not sure about all the V.O dialogue...let's see if it even makes sense...

If you CUT TO BLACK, you have to FADE back IN, otherwise, the rest of this script is over BLACK.  You get me?

"SAME TIME" in a Slug is...well..usually a HUGE mistake.  basically, you're same this is taking place at the exact same time.  CONTINUOUS would mean directly after, with nothing else happening.  Again, let's see...

How old is Marcus?

WOW...5 pages of nothing but dialogue?  Not the kind of film I'd want to watch, sorry to say.

And, apparently we have a dead dude's spirit talking with some kind of angel or angel of death?  OK, but I'm only going to continue because of all the feedback and I don't want to miss something good.

Hmmm, strange.  I don't see anything remotely close to a ROMCOM, and the props, which were required are literally just thrown in.

Not for me...at all, I'm afraid.

**


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:54pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I've been through a 22 pager already and I guess I'm just hitting the rotten jackpot.

Here:

>The pale body of MARCUS, not the most attractive man, lies
in the bathtub, dead.

*I'm out.

This is not in the spirit of the challenge.

I would rather listen to Jeff's complaints of "asides" and "orphans" because they at least have
credibility-- if you look at them from his side, which does float on water in certain circumstances.

When many people are trying hard to fit the parameters of the challenge, this kind of thing really bothers me... and if you're the one who wrote this and submitted it, Jeff. Sorry, but shame on you.

Please. Don't waste my time.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
I've been through a 22 pager already and I guess I'm just hitting the rotten jackpot.

Here:

>The pale body of MARCUS, not the most attractive man, lies
in the bathtub, dead.

*I'm out.

This is not in the spirit of the challenge.

I would rather listen to Jeff's complaints of "asides" and "orphans" because they at least have
credibility-- if you look at them from his side, which does float on water in certain circumstances.

When many people are trying hard to fit the parameters of the challenge, this kind of thing really bothers me... and if you're the one who wrote this and submitted it, Jeff. Sorry, but shame on you.

Please. Don't waste my time.

Sandra


Huh?  I didn't submit this!  Why would you think I did?  Sandra...C'mon, Woman!





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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