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You know, this one reminded me of the old style I used to write in. If I didn't know better, I'd say I did write it... but I know better. I liked it, overall, minor flaws aside. It's a nice, little talk piece with two characters who are somewhat likable. Some people might say that you should've used the remaining two pages of flesh them out a bit more, but I don't agree. You get enough across without overstaying your welcome.
You know there's a theme building for me in this challenge, regarding the idea of romantic comedies and what the hell they are.
I genuinely think this is an exceptional little screenplay, absolutely bloody great and I actually felt quite emotional by the end of it. It's easy to film, reads with ease, has the right quality of intrigue spliced with honest filth in the dialogue. The concept is really nice and hell, it was just quite a beautiful little comment on loneliness, longing and general male perversion.
The kicker? This is definitely not a romantic comedy. It's quirky, but not a comedy, and a comment on the Male disposition (re sexual obsession) rather than romantic.
I really think this has a chance of getting picked up as conceptually it's great, but regarding the challenge it's just not fitting the mould...
Well done on the writing, and sorry to rule it out of my voting for the winning spots, but I do hope it goes on screen somewhere.
Your title and logline spill the beans right off the bat. The first sentence confirms it. Indeed, the rest of the script follows suit. Exactly what I expected this to be. I would've tried to be a bit more suggestive.
Not impressed by the humor. Seems intent on being edgy, which I'm by no means above, and yet doesn't come off particularly clever or original. The dialogue also seems to weave in and out of focus and plods along without any actions to change course or break things up. I would've doubled down on Marcus trying to figure out who Tracy is and subsequently introduce the request for the walk much earlier. The walk is ostensibly what's supposed to make this romantic, so it's important it carry some weight sooner rather than later, and would also provide a more solid throughline for the proceedings.
Also didn't understand the purpose of the roses and chocolates. Clearly Marcus didn't have a breakup or something like that. He couldn't have gotten them for Tracy if he didn't know they were going to meet (unless you're doing some sort of weird magical realism here, which wouldn't been interesting but needs more development). At this point, the items come off as forced/arbitrary.
There's stuff to work with here. But I'm not crazy about the execution. Feels flat and unfocused. I do think you more or less meet the parameters of the challenge though. Congrats on putting something out there.
This one was pretty well written, but the story just didn't really work for me.
Tracy mentions that they are on a date, but I didn't really get that. I guess you could argue it's the whole "a date with death" angle, but that's a bit weak for me. Also didn't really like Tracy's dialog. Kinda crude. I think it's supposed to be funny, but it was kinda off-putting. Again, may be a personal thing.
I do think the ending saves this a little bit. I thought it was cute that Marcus just wanted to take Tracy for a walk in the park.
Well, well, well...lots of feedback on this one. Does it deserve it? Let';s see...
Opening not very ROMCOMy, but I see you immediately threw in the roses, chocolates, and all the "red" you could think of. HA!!
Not sure about all the V.O dialogue...let's see if it even makes sense...
If you CUT TO BLACK, you have to FADE back IN, otherwise, the rest of this script is over BLACK. You get me?
"SAME TIME" in a Slug is...well..usually a HUGE mistake. basically, you're same this is taking place at the exact same time. CONTINUOUS would mean directly after, with nothing else happening. Again, let's see...
How old is Marcus?
WOW...5 pages of nothing but dialogue? Not the kind of film I'd want to watch, sorry to say.
And, apparently we have a dead dude's spirit talking with some kind of angel or angel of death? OK, but I'm only going to continue because of all the feedback and I don't want to miss something good.
Hmmm, strange. I don't see anything remotely close to a ROMCOM, and the props, which were required are literally just thrown in.
Not for me...at all, I'm afraid.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.