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An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and... - WT2 (currently 2992 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:14pm
Administrator Administrator
So, what are you writing?
Location Virginia
Posts 16895
Posts Per Day 1.92
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Warren
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:31am
Of The Ancients
A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
Location Sydney, Australia
Posts 3890
Posts Per Day 1.22
Hi writer,
Quoted Text
Behind him, a marshmallow struggles to keep up. Well, not a marshmallow.
This doesn’t really work for me.
Quoted Text
Dexter pokes Puffy in the arm. POP. He pokes again. POP.
POP? Where is the pop coming from?
Quoted Text
DEXTER Literally wrapped in bubble wrap. For a bike ride.
I think you should add this in the initial description. Set up what we see so we have the full picture initially.
Quoted Text
BARTON It’s a magical item with special powers, bestowed upon me by my -- 2. PUFFY (O.S.) -- It’s a whistle.
Funny
Quoted Text
BARTON Had my brother set it out. (to Puffy) I’ve been watching you. Thought you needed an adventure. And, since I needed company...
This exposition isn’t great. Would have been nice if we could have gotten there some other way. I realize that is hard with the page limit, but still.
The sewer really could have been anywhere, but it’s there.
I did laugh a few times and I can see the other attempts at comedy.
From the title I thought it might be a pisser, thank god it wasn’t.
Not bad at all.
All the best.
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Reply: 1 - 32
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 5:01am
Posts 3382
Posts Per Day 0.60
I quite liked this. The boys adventure stuff worked nicely. I personally thought the stuff with the dog was a little dark compared to the tone of the rest of the script. It came across more as frightening than comedic in nature.
Reply: 2 - 32
LC
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 8:46am
Administrator Location The Great Southern Land
Posts 8283
Posts Per Day 1.38
It's not bad. A couple of amusing moments in there. I liked the bubble wrap going off with the the dog attack. Btw, I thought Puffy was a dog at first... Old Man Barton's desperate attention seeking is a bit on the creepy side.
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Reply: 3 - 32
Zack
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 10:52am
Of The Ancients
Show. Don't tell.
Location Kentucky
Posts 4907
Posts Per Day 0.72
Another lighthearted script. This one works better for me. It's a cute little story.
Not laugh out loud funny, but humorous none-the-less. And a clever use of the whistle.
Only thing I didn't really like is the title. It's a mouthful. Lol
Really good work here.
Don't get it right. Get it written. "If you can't handle people not liking what you do, you shouldn't be in the business." - Rob Bowman
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Reply: 4 - 32
jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:45am
Old Timer
Cut to three weeks earlier
Location London, UK
Posts 1419
Posts Per Day 0.21
I like this one. My fav so far. Enjoyable, fun to read, nice take on the whistle objective. Good use of the sewer. And possibly easy/cheap to film. This one meets the objective for me easily.
Reply: 5 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:49am
Guest User
I hate the opening Slug, but it's fine, I guess. What follows is not fine, though. I tried to copy/paste the passage here and it came out as gibberish - I mean even more gibberish than we see on the page which is very odd. Anyways, Puffy, marshmallow, and this winter coat don't make any sense and the writing is extremely awkward. So, first, Puffy is wearing "a thick winter coat, white, down-filled, and a football helmet". Now, it seems that has morphed into bubble wrap? WTF? This is quite strange, and not in a good way. I don't get it, nor do I find any of it funny. I see attempts at humor, but very few will find anything funny here. Story - none Character - not much Dialogue - Ok, not bad, not good. Prose - not at all good. Criteria - Well, we have a sewer, we have a whistle, and we have comedy, but the sewer part is extremely weak. OK, I'll give you the points...guess I have to.
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Reply: 6 - 32
jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:56am
Old Timer
Cut to three weeks earlier
Location London, UK
Posts 1419
Posts Per Day 0.21
Quoted from Dreamscale
... Story - none ...
This is harsh Jeff.
Reply: 7 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:58am
Guest User
Harsh? How so?
It's true. There is no story here, but you loved it for some reason.
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Reply: 8 - 32
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:03pm
Posts 3382
Posts Per Day 0.60
There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle. You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages. Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...
Reply: 9 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:07pm
Guest User
There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.
Coming of age? They're 11 years old! And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason.
You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.
No, I doubt that.
Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...
I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.
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Reply: 10 - 32
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:10pm
Posts 3382
Posts Per Day 0.60
Quoted from Dreamscale
Coming of age? They're 11 years old! And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason. No, I doubt that. I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.
It's obviously a very shitty place to live.
Reply: 11 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:24pm
Guest User
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Reply: 12 - 32
jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:28pm
Old Timer
Cut to three weeks earlier
Location London, UK
Posts 1419
Posts Per Day 0.21
In my old house in Ireland. There was a closed off sewer in our utility room. An extension built onto the house. It’s not impossible.
Reply: 13 - 32
khamanna
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:34pm
January Project Group
Posts 4397
Posts Per Day 0.78
Hi I didn't understand why Barton needs it. Just to help Puffy have an adventure? And why would Dexter hang out with someone like Puffy? I also didn't like the dialog on the first page - seems disjointed and also, Barton comes out of nowhere all of the sudden. Did the boys even need the money? This one doesn't come together for me. But good characters and good dialog past page 1.
Reply: 14 - 32
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