Dancing With The Damned by Casper Sweet - Ice Tray, Exotic Dancer, Nightclub; Consent Warning: Graphic - Short, Horror

Damn, that was...different. I was a bit disappointed as the warning hinted at really graphic stuff but it wasn't lol.

It started very well and had some good imagery, this mysterious Initiates club. But the writer lost some control perhaps due to time constraints, and it ended abruptly.

You can cut the first 3 pages of this and just get to the club and the show. That's where it gets interesting.

Unfortunately because of the long and unnecessary setup, you run out of pages and it ends abruptly. I also don't see the nature versus nurture aspect.

An exotic dance club for demons or is this hell for one soul at a time? I don't see why Lisa didn't want to do the icebreaker, there wasn't much to it and she personally didn't suffer.

Very interesting idea that just needs work.

-Mark

That was unexpected. It fits all the requirements except for the theme, which I think is most important for the challenge. Usually I can manipulate the theme to fit what the writer was going for but I just don't see it in this entry at all.

Not sure why Lisa didn't want to do the act. At least she wasn't mauled by wolves!

Very interesting, writer.

You accidentally spilled over to a second title page. Easy fix, just delete all the blank lines at the bottom. You can also turn off the automatic (CONT'D)s that First Draft likes to put in by default.

I'd have avoided Lisa and Lucy in the same story. Generally want to avoid similar-sounding names unless there's a story reason (it does happen to real-world siblings, but still a bad idea in fiction). I noticed that all of the other names seemed diabolical (Cambion, Jezebel, Lamia).

Not sure what happened at the end there. It will probably make a lot more sense if you rework it without the page limit, but for now I don't see how ice ties in with anything earlier, or the nature vs. nurture theme. Also, an icebreaker usually occurs first in a show. But then again this is Hell, so maybe things are intentionally inverted.

Very inventive, I just failed to see the theme.

I wasn't going to mention theme in any of my reviews unless it felt completely absent...which it does here. The hardest part of this week's challenge was the theme...and I don't even see a glimpse of it.

The story itself and the atmosphere you created...awesome. Loved it. The writing is very thick but still it was easy to read.

All the other variables were met and used well...but damn...you totally missed the theme.

Best of luck.

I'm assuming the blanks page is just a software glitch...

Strip club in hell, decent setting though you seem to be trying to tease that to create a twist but it felt fairly clear from the start from the character names.

The graphic warning is a little unnecessary, it's horror, it's a given... but it's not that graphic... feel free to amp it up

Well written and kept me reading - but I didn't see the theme here at all.

Decent effort

I won't repeat anything already mentioned. That gets old fast.

Elements were there.
Theme - not sure where that was? Might have to re-read. Not obvious.

It was colourful and crazy and busy and inventive.  

I’m not going to look at an ice tray the same way again

Alas not my type of script, but the idea that there is a fake club providing food for monsters but using the drunk clientel has potential

This was outright weird for me. Also, it felt as if written in haste. But vivid imagination present here. A club for demons - damn!!

Good luck.

Not sure where to begin so forgive me if these comments are random...

You don't FADE OUT, yet you used 9 lines to describe the club and Cambion, and there are orphans throughout, so there was certainly opportunities to save space.

I must be the only one who didn't realize that this was a club in Hell. The first time I read it, I was going to mark down for nightclub, since a club where people congregate at night does always a "nightclub" make. This is a strip club. I guess... who knows?

It makes no sense on either read - the 2nd read knowing that they are in Hell - for Lisa to refuse to do the icebreaker, since nothing really happens to her. during it, yet the entire setup is her being angry over being chosen for it. The old man got picked for the icebreaker before? How is he in the crowd then? I guess because it's Hell. If so, the script has no consequences. It doesn't matter who is picked for the icebreaker or who gets torn apart by wolves or whether or not Lisa participates. It's Hell. It's carnage. So there is no plot and no drama. And I suppose the story is "about" Lisa. She wants to leave Hell but can't.

Not only zero theme but zero attempt at the theme. The theme has the term "vs." in it and Lisa or her upbringing is not compared or contrasted against anyone. I suppose you were going for the twist, to make us believe this was a club somewhere on Earth...

I give you points for making an "ice cube chance's in Hell" reference.

AJR

Quoted from Yuvraj This was outright weird to me. Also, it felt as if written in haste. But vivid imagination present here. A club for demons - damn!!...

They're all written in haste.  

Quoted from LC They're all written in haste.

Gotcha!

It might have been interesting if it had any connection to the theme. As it is, it’s just an exercise in some minor goredom.

This one was really enjoyable. Not sure what was so special about those ice cubes that make teeth and blood come out, and mangle the tongue. Dry ice maybe? Well, interesting concept anyhow.