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First one. I've got mixed feelings. I think I liked it though.
Writing is a bit messy. Tons of orphans on the first page alone. Watch that.
Neat story. Very creative, with good use of flashbacks. Really like most of the dialog. Very interesting. This Paramedic is one fucked up dude. Lol. The ending is sorta disappointing. I was expecting some sort of twist or something.
Main issue is that the Title and logline leave no room for surprise. We know going in that the Paramedic is the bad guy. This would work better if we didn't know that coming in. Also, his motive doesn't really make a lot of sense when you think about it. Might be better if you leave his motive a mystery.
Still, a good effort here.
An example of my writing...
FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
I'm very forgiving of typos but there are two in the first sentence. You should take extra care on page-1 because if people get into the story they won't care about the odd typo later on.
A towering majestic house of God - A cathedral all but in name.
A towering majestic house of God - a cathedral IN all but in name.
This sentence didn't make sense -
The paramedic then hits a smug look.
Okay ... forget the typos and all that. You have actually created a good villain here. We've all seen doctor serial killers. A paramedic one is interesting. But you have to take another run at this to make the concept shine. The confession booth thing doesn't make sense - and it would get him busted - most definitely. And how he got into killing doesn;t make sense - the guilt he felt? Better if it were an unexpected thrill.
Great potential for a villain. Even a feature-worthy one. So well done for that. But it's not working yet in this story.
Write a really good, very evil villain, but they must be someone no one would suspect (until the end).
Due to the nature of this challenge, the title and the logline, I knew the Paramedic was the villain and he was very evil, but this wasn't revealed at the end. It was revealed by page 3.
A paramedic deciding who lives and who dies is a nice twist from Doctors and Nurses who have done the same thing in real life, but the confession booth is a well-used method to get a story across, The problem here is, the paramedic isn't confessing to have his sins forgiven - he's bragging. So it doesn't fall under the normal priest vows and even if it did, the church's guidelines allow priests to warn the police if they believe someone is GOING to commit a crime. The confession booth only covers sins they have already committed, and only if they want to be forgiven.
The Halloween aspect is really shoehorned in but I like how you did it!
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Again I will say that given the theme of the challenge, it is hard not to think about who is the villain. The title of the script is also a major giveaway in regards to who might be the killer.
Keeping that aside, the writing could use some work and polishing. A few typos were present on the first page alone.
Focusing on the story here, the confession part surely helps in telling the real identity of the culprit(which wasn't so hard to guess), however, the issue also lies within the confession itself. Why would a killer knowingly allow himself to be caught by bragging to a priest? Also, after hearing about his deeds, it isn't like the priest would just sit idle. He has the right to alert the authorities about a self-bragging killer on loose. It isn't like Paramedic tells the priest about his master plan and goes his way to accomplish it. I feel the execution needed more of a clever way to show who's the villain.
Well written and easy to follow. However, I thought the villain wasn't supposed to reveal himself till the end? We kinda knew who it was straight off, and no real twist. And I didn't really catch much horror, or tension, and I feel the Priest could have played a bigger role here if he'd acted. That would have added tension. Here, he's just a passive listener who allows our villain to tell his tale. Decent read, but a miss for me. Good luck!
This entry nailed the unexpected villain, which is great! A killer to be feared more than others and he knows it. I wished for a bit more from the priest to push the main character (whether by word or action). In the end there weren't any stakes; we were only getting to know the villain and little else.
A solid concept that will be more compelling with added stakes and a force to counter the villain.
Hmm, you'll pardon me if I don't do a total "point by point." Here's the Reader's Digest version. OK, ever have one of those sneezes that seems to build up forever? You gasp and you convulse and you grab the nearest paper product in preparation for the world's greatest hanky-blower...and then it fizzles. "Paramedic" was like the cinematic equivalent of that lost sneeze. If that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but you missed out on a golden opportunity with the priest. He felt underutilized. Best of Irish luck!
Being picky, but can you share a look with an inanimate object? I suppose in Horror you can.
The paramedic then hits a smug look.
casts or gives a smug look, perhaps? Or, just: A smug look.
lays on the grass unconscious. lies
No need to tell us the situation is urgent. CPR does that.
Extra space top of page 3? Pardon me, not parden Typo.
LITTLE LATER:. ?
Then it comes Then it becomes
She's was my number 7. She's number seven.
a teenage boy lays hurt lies hurt
looses conciseness. loses consciousness
laying there lying there
Defibrillator needed re-charging beggars belief.
Love you too hunny, Love you too, honey... (offset with comma, and liquid gold.)
Maybe if you'd done a reveal and the Priest was a kindred spirit, so to speak. Problem is all along we know The Paramedic is the bad guy.
It's not bad. Maybe if his female partner was in on it all? The idea of saviour being killer is not bad. Making him first responder is nifty too.
Why does he need the Priest though? Okay, to gloat, and he won't expose him? But he will in this situation. If he was blackmailing the Priest that would be a different matter, and it would up the conflict between the two.
Okay, did the daughter start the fire? Like father, like daughter? Perhaps you could have included some Halloween element here?
I think you have the basis of a v.good and creepy story here. A first responder as a villain is terrific. But you kinda let the cat out of the bag from the outset.
Entertaining for sure! Bit of a cleanup, and add more intrigue, and it'll be very creepy.
The idea of the fun-fair ride definitely adds gruesome horror.
Love the idea behind this. I've heard of serial arsonists among firemen, and criminal cops, but never thought or heard about a paramedic causing harm to respond to it... unique and interesting.
The confessional was a bit long and parts would be boring to watch on film I think, needs some more visuals. The priest disappeared, that was odd, or was he sat there in shock?
I'm no paramedic but do they just stop giving CPR? I would have thought they would have got her in the ambulance, performed CPR until arriving at the hospital where they would then take over care... I'll suspend my disbelief for now.
He would also not be in the ambulance and responding to calls on his own, where was his partner at the end? You got rid of her because of the logic problem of why would she just sit there while he goes to a church, but the new logic issue is that paramedics come in pairs.
This could be so much more. The other day my car started misfiring heavily, I hit a hill, dropped down to 10mph and kept willing that little shit of a car to get to the top... it didn't, and neither did this story. But, just like my car, with a bit of a tune-up and a redo, you can get this thing over the hill.
Solid premise behind it, so please don;t give up on this one.
Am I the only one waiting for the Priest to slay this guy right there in the confessional?
Instead, the Priest just... disappears.
Some of the VO is redundant. You're showing us and telling us at the same time. We get it because we can see it. No VO needed. So, if you're going to show us, use the VO to expand on the character. Or, better yet, tighten the script by using VO to explain his motivation while showing us the actions related to the motivation. (I hope this makes sense.)
All in all, this is a good start, but not a finished product.
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