Scared Yet? by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - Late one stormy night, two young children are confronted by a terrifying figure in the dark... Their dead mother! 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, mate - well written. I think I saw everything you wanted me to see.

SPOILERS

I was a bit confused by the ending - Dad is killing Matt - BUT - looking at Nick, saying it's your fault. Was a collective yours? So I'm to assume that Nick is next? It could be a little clearer.

Just me personally (and remember, I am not a horror person) - I'm not a fan of the inexplicable movement of Sara - i.e., she's at the door - and then a second later - she's under the bed.  I'm sure horror folks would disagree with me.

Nice work

Thanks for reading, Dave.



SPOILERS

To answer your questions/critiques...

Yes, when Dan says "It's your fault!" at the end, he is referring to both of his children.

As for Sara seemingly teleporting, I've got two answers for that. She's a ghost, and it's a dream.




Hope that clears things up for you. Appreciate your feedback.

Quoted from Zack Thanks for reading, Dave. SPOILERS To answer your questions/critiques... Yes, when Dan says "It's your fault!" at the end, he is referring to both of his children. As for Sara seemingly teleporting, I've got two answers for that. She's a ghost, and it's a dream. Hope that clears things up for you. Appreciate your feedback.

It does.

Hope you get a few reads

I've read a version of this before, right?

The vibe is really scary, images are great.
At risk of spoonfeeding your audience I just think there's a missing link with the narrative as is. The denouement is shocking but it raises a big question. I think a plot gap needs filling there, maybe with a flashback intimating what the boys did, hinting at least.

That said... Zack, I love so much of this!

P.S. It’s  dark.  Quiet.  Rain  dumps  down.
You're saying it's quiet but the rain would be noisy, especially as in the following paragraph it's 'pounding'.
Maybe a transition from the quiet there?

Good point about the rain and it being quiet, Libby. Always appreciate your notes. Thanks for reading. Hope you've been well!

I really liked the way you twisted this. After establishing that a tragedy had taken place via the father, I liked how the story progressed through the experiences with the kids. At first, I thought it was a ghost story, only to turn out to be a bad dream. Just as I thought it would have a happy ending for a change, I got Zacked and I couldn't get the story out of my head until well after bedtime.

While I would have liked knowing what happened to the mother, I'm also glad I didn't. It made the story stick with me as I wondered what could have happened or what the kids could have done, or if it was even their fault. In fourth grade, I had a friend whose mother blamed her for the divorce. My friend also blamed herself. When I discussed it with her, she really couldn't say what she did but blamed herself nonetheless. In this case though, I'm pretty sure the mother's passing was the kids' fault and the bad dream was a result of guilt.

Hmmm...  What could have happened?

I have to confess... I missed the quietly-pounding rain. I'm bad at finding plot holes in the details. It's probably why I like Steven Seagal movies.

Hey Zack, hope you’re well, mate.

Liked this and I enjoyed the use of the dream to mirror the horror of the reality.

My only real comment / suggestion is the dialogue; not quite sure, but maybe it felt like adults rather than kids talking. Probably just me. I’d prefer to see Matt expand out his contribution a little to make him a bit naughtier, which would link to possible guilt for the mother, or explain why in the dream the mother would target the oldest first, or why the dad does in reality.

Anyway, nice work

Hi Zack, hope everything's going well.

Not gonna lie, this was an OK read for me. Nothing that surprised me or scared me. I guess you were trying to use Sara's spirit as a decoy for the story by adding it in the dream sequence, but it somehow it didn't work for me. I'm all for ambiguity in a story and appreciate it when a story has it. So, not knowing the reason behind Sara's death doesn't bother me, it makes the story more interesting.

I don't want to sound rude when I state my reason as to why I didn't enjoyed this one. The opening scene has a mansion, thunder and lightning in it (also how can it be quiet when its raining). Then, seeing Sara in a white nightgown with all the frightening features made it all seem (hate to say it) cliched.

The ending somewhat lifted the story a bit with all the unanswered questions, but couldn't save the overall story for me. Honestly, I don't also know how I would've approached this story if I were to write it. So, big ups for what you wrote.

Again, not intending to come off as rude and annoying. Just my opinion among others.

Good luck.

This one has been picked up for production. Don, would you please remove the script and lock this thread.

Hi Zack,

Script removed. I'd like to hold off on locking it so you can bask in the adulation of your peers (and bitter envy).

best,

Don

Yay, Zack! Congrats! Any details, or are things under wraps? Definitely looking forward to seeing it in the future.

Congrats Zack!!!