I thought this started off well and could've been a lot of fun but ultimately felt like a lesser Whose Line Is It Anyway? skit. The jokes were also extremely interchangeable. I honestly think you could've swapped the order of all of them and literally changed nothing else in the script.

That said, the order of the jokes was especially a bummer as the bubble wrap gag was actually really funny. Out of the three of them, it feels the most like a payoff and while I doubt my feelings toward the script would've changed if it came up last, you certainly would've ended on a high note. I also think it has zinger caliber due to its timelessness; you could've written this 10-20-30 years ago, bubble wrap would've been just as effective.

I hold a special disdain for topical jokes in general but even putting aside my prejudices, I think Facebook was especially an obvious theme to build off. The Ferrari was just kinda lame. Didn't irk me as much as the Facebook gag did but it certainly didn't resonate with me either.

Collectively, I think the gags coupled with Jesus's responses just made Satan look pathetic. None of his attempts to tempt Jesus got any bites so he just switched up his game each time. I think you could up the conflict by having each attempt make some kind of dent in Jesus's defenses so that Satan could have something to work off. At this point, Jesus's stoicism just sorta see-saws; I certainly wouldn't call it a gradual decline. Not only does this take away from the tension, it takes away from the comedy. For this to work, we all have to want to see Jesus sweating.

Not that you have to take my advice but I think the ideal way to remedy this would be to do away with the last two gags and just expand on the bubble wrap. I seriously think that was a stroke of genius and frankly, it'd be a delight to see an unflinching Jesus crumble in the face of something so simple and childish.

...all in good fun, of course.

Hope this helps. I think there's potential here, even within the boundaries of modest aspirations.

We're probably not supposed to do this when we read scripts, but when I read this for a second time, I had a young Bill Murray as Jesus and Vern Troyer as "the midget" and it was funnier.

Nitpicking on this point - you have Jesus in his late 30's but it is accepted that he was about 33 at the time of his cruxifiction. His ministry started when he was 30 (that's actually quite clear) and it appears to have lasted about 3 1/2 years.

Again, I don't know why, but the tone of it had me picture Bill Murray and Vern Troyer in those roles. Obviously Murray wouldn't work NOW, but I had the Stripes-era Murray in my head.

Hey Mark,

I'm a Catholic and, I support this short. I mean Jesus and God win in the end. lol. The end is what I find the most comical. lol. I do agree with Brett about using Mary. That would be funnier.

Gabe

Quoted from irish eyes That's funny shit Brett,,  I laughed my arse off seriously and I'm stealing it

LOL! Glad I could help, Mark.
I was taking a short break from my own script and read yours.
Gotta keep that brain working at all times!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey mark,

Sorry I seemed to have missed this one.

I enjoyed it, a fun read . The bubble wrap immediately reminded me of WALLE one of my favourite films, and includes great scene involving human quirks such as bubble wrap and the Rubix cube.

If anything, I agree withnjames that it would be sensible for the stakes - excuse the pun- to be raised as the midget fails to corrupt him.

All the best.

Yo Mark.

I don't have much to add that others haven't already said. I liked this without loving it.

The bubble wrap had me chuckling, I liked the Facebook bit but the ferrari bit I found a bit 'meh'. I would of preferred something else along the lines of the bubble wrap, for example give him a button that says 'Do Not Press'. I always want to press buttons that I shouldn't.

Also I like Bretts idea of calling the girl Mary instead of Rachel.

A neat little effort for what it is.

Arty.

Hey Mark. Thought I'd give this a read.

I'll be honest and say I chuckled quite a few times. Some funny stuff here but the ending was a little sudden, nothing too bad though.

It delivered laughs and that's all that matters.

Holy crap, I was only gone for day and noticed a lot of feedback...

Thank you all for commenting and just remember:



Mark

So, checked this here out Fellow Irish Budday whom is from Derry but no resides in the land of Apples that are Big.  I don't know why I said all, that?!  Lol.

This was an amusing short.  I enjoyed it a lot.

My nitpicks:

You wrote "Iphone", and because I have OCD and am a freak, you should have said "iPhone" and be socially correct!  Damn you, what has the United States done to you, Mark?!  Haha, just kidding.  It was just a little nitpick.

Overall, it didn't have me laughing out loud, but I did find it rather amusing and might have giggled once.  It's pithy, moves fast, and is a great idea for a short.  Jesus being tempted with Facebook was just awesome, man!

For some reason, when the midget goes: "Yoohoo, Jesus" at the start I was totally imagining him skipping along, camp-like, in a Valley Girl accent.

Very well done, worth the read.  Pacts a punch in 5 pages.  Very nice writing.  I love your style, Mark!

CURT !!!!!

Quoted from Curt I have OCD and am a freak

You'll fit in nicely

Quoted from Curt For some reason, when the midget goes: "Yoohoo, Jesus" at the start I was totally imagining him skipping along, camp-like, in a Valley Girl accent.

Me too

You see... that was an honest review(I think) and that's all people ask for. Let me know when your script is uploaded and I'll give you feedback.

Alright Mucker... take it easy

Mark

Haha, that was a totally honest review.  Great read, I enjoyed it a lot

And coolzies, I will mate!  Agh, there comes the "mucker" again, oh Jesus feel like I'm strolling ,bout dah town with ma mates

Hey Mark,

Well it's official, Jesus is stronger than I am. I would have gone for the bubble wrap. Haha

All positives from me. I really enjoyed the script, found it very funny throughout and a breeze to read through. I loved the last line "Screw you Rachel". It was a great way to finish.

Best of luck with future scripts.

- Dirk

Thanks Dirk, I think that's what makes him the real deal... we all would have crippled at bubble wrap

It all started like this: On a construction site, there was bubble wrap from a package delivered. I grabbed it and started popping it. A co-worker said "You just can't help yourself" 5 mins later he was doing it.
"It's very tempting" he said and I responded with "What would Jesus do?"
and from there I wrote my short.

Mark

Hey Mark,

Not much to add – it’s an amusing little skit and I enjoyed the read.

The writing was a little awkward in places, and it could probably do with trimming a page off but who really cares about the little niggles.

You aimed to give peeps a laugh and I think you’ve achieved that.

Good work.

Steve

Hey Mark - I liked this. The writing had short-comings here and there, but no major issues.

I dug all the subtext here - even thought I thought some of it wasn't intentional -- but I guess that's just the good old Catholic creeping out of you.

The devil as a midget, I liked - making him a non-threat, had echoes of 'Usual Suspects' "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." ... or in your case, convincing us (Jesus) that he wasn't a threat.

I liked the costume the midget was dressed in, but one minute it was a 'devil costume' and the next it was a '(poorly designed) goat costume'. I get the reference, but ...

The use of Rachel, I liked. Again, subtext that I'm not convinced you were aware of --Rachel, meaning Ewe, using Facebook was clever.

I liked the F12 response from Jesus -- at this stage we're all in on the joke, so there has to be something (I still went for the bubble wrap) that Jesus goes for - and in particular I like that the Ferrari is red - devil's colors ... nicely complimented.

Gripes? The ending - I went for it, but I wasn't too sure about the execution -- I was thinking along the lines of the angels have dust kicked in their face, and then Jesus running of in the F12. Maybe just my opinion, but the work depends on how well the twist kicks off, so I wouldn't skimp on the details of that too much.

Good stuff from a fellow Catholic -- just what I like to see