The Kline Manor Pledge by Baltis Sinclair Schuller (baltis.) - Short, Horror - Plagued with a laundry list of tasks, Dylan Yaegle will make his final pledge tonight... But he might not make it out alive. - pdf, format

'Plauged?'  Christ Almighty, Balt, can't you even use a spellchecker in your logline, you goat ball-sucking bastard?


SPOILER SPACE

I was actually a little disappointed with this story, Balt.  A couple of people go into a supposed haunted house only to discover that the stories were true?  I expected something more original than this from you.

Despite this, I thought the story was well told and you developed and used the characters nicely.  Dylan, relying on his list, proved to be an interesting character.  He had a reason to actually be in the house, rather than the this house is supposed haunted; let's see if it's true, even though I'm too old to believe in this shit excuse.

I'm not sure what Lindsay's motivation was in all this.  There wasn't any chemistry between her and Dylan; they weren't a couple.  They were barely friends.

And Hal?  Why would a fraternity want a homeless guy in a wheelchair at all?  I know you needed one in the script.  But why did you need one in the story?


Phil

Baltis,

I'd agree with Phil that this story has a very familiar feel to it, with the three people venturing into the local haunted house.  Of course, it's a formula that often works, and it does here, for the most part.  You gave us the creepy backstory, the visceral shocks and the ironic ending.  I do wish you had gotten them inside the manor much sooner.  They don't get in until page 5, halfway through the story.  I think you could have used those pages to go a little deeper into the father killing the railroad workers, which would have set up the ending better, IMO.

I took Hal to be comic relief.  I mean, they're pushing a drunk old hobo in a wheelchair.  Not a bum, mind you.  A hobo.  

Loved this gem:

"Drunk, wheelchair
ridden, hobo...Check."

I'll be quoting that for weeks.  Anyway, a solid entry.  And you have a very spare, visual writing style.  What you write, I see in my head, and in screenwriting I think that's half the battle.

Ryan

Quoted from dogglebe 'Plauged?'  Christ Almighty, Balt, can't you even use a spellchecker in your logline, you goat ball-sucking bastard? SPOILER SPACE I was actually a little disappointed with this story, Balt.  A couple of people go into a supposed haunted house only to discover that the stories were true?  I expected something more original than this from you. Despite this, I thought the story was well told and you developed and used the characters nicely.  Dylan, relying on his list, proved to be an interesting character.  He had a reason to actually be in the house, rather than the this house is supposed haunted; let's see if it's true, even though I'm too old to believe in this shit excuse. I'm not sure what Lindsay's motivation was in all this.  There wasn't any chemistry between her and Dylan; they weren't a couple.  They were barely friends. And Hal?  Why would a fraternity want a homeless guy in a wheelchair at all?  I know you needed one in the script.  But why did you need one in the story? Phil

Thanks for the read, Phil.  I wrote the log line on my damn phone, and no it didn't have spell check.  Makes me mad.  Please overlook it everyone.  Or, unless someone will change it for me.  "hint" ... "hint"  


The story, at its core, is an old story my uncle would tell us as kids... Well, kinda within the page limit.  The papers were suppose to have been explained better, and will be in the longer version -- The rail workers would lay them out to lay on the to wait out the rain.  The house, not named Kline Manor in real life, stands to this day in Waterloo, a town that is about 2 miles from my old house where i grew up.  Long back story I won't get into here, but I cut much out of this script, believe me.

I, again, didn't have enough pages to establish the reasons why Lindsay and Hal were along for the ride-- Other than, it's a frat and they had strange expectations.  I mean, a drunk wheelchair ridden Hobo... C'mon, how are you gonna land one of those?  The funny thing is/was, Dylan did.  That is why I had him check off the Virgin and the Hobo at the start of the script.  Again, a very big piece of the script is actually missing I feel.  But due to page restraints it had to be this way.

I do disagree with one thing, Lindsay and Dylan will have chemistry in the final script... It kind of grows over the course of the night.  We kind of touch on it with their hallway banter but couldn't go all into it.   I think you can kind of see a little something between them, though.

Phil you helped me a great deal on the comedy I sent ya and told me exactly what was wrong with it and what needed to change and I took it to heart and am applying that advice in spades.  I'll do the same here.  Thank you for your time above all else.

Even though the concept and overall story wasn't original, I liked it.

It's my 4th script read and currently my favourite. Well written and a strong visual sense. I thought Dylan was funny and I disagree with dogglebe about the chemistry. It worked for me.

I dislike films that make open references to horror films in the dialogue. It seems really cheesy to me and I thought I was going to hate this script from that point on. But I was surprised I didn't.

Well done.

I had high hopes going into this and while it was told well enough and there were some cute little in-jokes thrown in - like Hal Ween.  Ultimately, the story was nothing new.  

You have a good writing style but in this script it seemed a bit stiff to me. I think it could use to be more relaxed.

Overall I think you did a good job and congrats on completing the challenge.

A-ha! I knew there' d be an obligatory Texas Chain-Saw Massacre joke in at least one of these!

This was not bad, but it's not amongst my favorites of the Challenge. Your writing is good but a little too novel-like, only barely finding the fine balance between being concise and being rich in description.

It was fairly by-the-numbers. The technical aspects of the script and the characters' dialogue were what worked out best for it. The ending kind of reminded me of The Shining.

All three characters were enjoyable to read/would be enjoyable to watch.

I liked it. In fact, I don't think there's been a single entry I haven't enjoyed so far -- gets me in the Halloween spirit. Oops. Broke the rule.

--Julio

Baltis, I hate to say it but I'm just not sure I liked this one.  Seems like alot of these scripts, problably mine as well, are falling into a category of "I've seen this movie a hundred times before".   Kline Manor had that same affect on me.  Deja vu.  Guess I was expecting more.   On a positive note, you had a few good one-liners that made me chuckle.   Congrats on completing the challenge.  I know you worked hard on it.

Of the scripts I've read so far this is probably the best horror. Tension is built well and I think it would work well on screen.

I liked the little jokes, nods to the challenge. The start went on a little too long for me - I know you would fix this up after the challenge when you could extend the whole script, but for me, for the challenge, I would have cut some of the dialogue and got them into the Manor earlier.

The script doesn't seem all that original but I liked that you created a whole legend and all that. With an extension I think you could make this more your own by explaining more of the legend. I didn't understand the end though with the newspaper headlines predicting what happened or the fully restored Kline Manor.

Solid entry.

Ste

Can you copyright a title? I dunno, but you can put a © on the end and hey presto, it stands out more than a II does. Good title an' all. Kudos on that one.

See we both went for the older man in the chair. Great minds, and fools etc.

Some great dialogue. I'm avoiding other comments as I've too much to read today. Take it they've told you about the typos. Easy done. Don't bother me that much. It's rare you read a script where there isn't some clear typo of some sort.

Some good dialogue. Check etc. More of a classic horror than I expected.

The sign on page five made me laugh. That's a good one. Very good.

I hate the use of the word proactive. I'll only let you off as you're an American. And huge. Any brits or irish using it will get the abuse they deserve.

Overall it's good, in the classic horror sensibility. I can tell you put the work in, the sign, the characters. Not a lot I can fault. Good read, and good work.

R ox

Baltis,

Finally, I get to read a recent work of yours written in  a OWC. Good solid story, well written. Only one work faux paus worth mentioning: "proactive" s/b "provocative." I do appreciate the thoughtful reviews you've been posting.

Gary

Very enjoyable read, and very clever dialogue.  Maybe could give Hal a little more to do and say.  

Definitely got a chuckle out of Hall Ween. Think you spent too much time trying to get them into the manor. If you'd have made it quicker, you'd have more pages to build tension.

This was just okay for me. I like your writing, though a bit too descriptive at times for my taste. problem was I never really got why the manor was so evil. Obviously the man who's daughter was raped was part of it. Just didn't understand how.

I just didn't get much tension out of this. Again, fine writing. Congrats on the OWC.

James

So is this actually a true story Balt or an urban legend? The part about the guy killing 16 railworkers for raping his daughter. Either way, nice little story, and well written.

Are we so sure that Lindsay is still a virgin though? I mean I thought there was some chemistry between her and Hal and wondered if he slipped her a quick one when Dylan wasn't looking. Those studious, nerdy looking girls are always the ones you have to keep an eye on.

I kept waiting for the hobo to pull out his shotgun, but it didn't happen. In spite of that, this was a good solid entry overall.

Cheers,
Tim.

BSS,

Pretty much with everyone else. Very high quality writing, decent story. The length some of these 'nocks' (nerd/jocks) go to for acceptance is funny and you touch on that here.

Everything worked logically and as a standard haunted house scenario, you pretty much covered all the bases.

Good enough, but the story didn't feel comparable to your evident abilities.

Hey everyone, thanks for the time you took out of reading other entries for this one.  I've been away all day yesterday and today so haven't got back to reading the 12 new scripts posted.  But I will.

I know a lot of people are/gonna hang me on the traditional-by the book entry but I feel that's what the challenge called for.  It isn't the most original, and I tried to convey that within the actual story when Lindsay and Dylan are talking --

"About Kline Manor?  Who doesn't?  Every town has a Kline Manor Story.  It's Boring"

That was my intentions within it.  Meaning, it is a typical story but it's the characters and the lore of it all; that is what's important.  And I do want people to know I really, really did work hard on this one.  I hadn't really wrote much in the last 8 months due to other endeavorers and this challenge really got me back into the swing of things.  I want you all to know, people who read it and people who might still, I took the challenge very seriously and tried to construct a story, characters and dialog that worked within the basic rules given.

From last post to 1st:

Andrew, you sum it up well -- Dylan and Lindsay are both looking for acceptance.  Be it differently.  He needed her/She needs him -- Hal was, as stated by Ryan, a little comic relief.  But he was still needed by Dylan.

Trojan -  The story, in all honesty, has no basis in reality.  My family told it as it was told to them.  I think the house, the real house, is scary looking.  I think rail workers really held up in it back in the day and I think someone was raped inside the house -- The rest is just ad-libbed and embellished.

Jwent - I know exactly what you're saying... I struggled with the 50/50 split on pages too.  I thought we need 4 pages of good character building and then it went into 5 and then 6 and then 7 and then I had to start cutting and editing.  I then did settle on the 50/50 page split.  5 outside and 5 inside.  The Manor was/is evil because of the evil that has occurred within its walls.  I will tough upon this in the longer version.

CM - I have like 4 or 5 more scenes with Hal rolling around downstairs, I just couldn't use them here  I had some really good stuff lined up for him and will be using him in the longer version.  I didn't feel he was done justice here, either.

Grademan - I hate spellings of words I seldom use or know how to spell to begin with!!  I should've caught it and it grates my nerves right now.

Ren - Thanks for the read, man.  The copyright of the title was strange to see.  I always put a copyright behind the name and it just showed up.  Not intentional to draw in eyes.  We were told to include one and I did and it just came up that way.  The sign was actually, originally told to me as "Survivors Will Be Persecuted" But I never thought that sounded good.  So I changed it to Executed.

Steve - As I told Jwent, I wanted them in there sooner too but felt when I did the characters had lost substance.  I felt better with the tension of outside to inside.  I also liked the stairs being a non issues too.  We come to them and think, hey it's gonna be a problem.  but it ended up not being.  I will be evaluating the intro for the 30 pages I'm extending it out to, though.

Screen - You're always tough to please... I'd hate to do stand up in your area.   I did work hard on this one and for under 7 days I felt it met the challenges.  The story isn't ground breaking, but I didn't think it needed to be given the Theme.  I wanted a typical, straightforward horror flick... It isn't always serious or good but It gets us where we need to go.

Reeper - Had to have the TCM homage in there.  It was too easy and couldn't believe the 12 scripts I've read so far haven't referenced it.  I think Phil did in a subtle way with his script and naming one Franklin, though.  Maybe not??  Thanks for the read.  

Mcormick - Hey, they jokes were written with care dammit!    I knew people were going to be harsh on these OWC but I thought that hitting the requirements, along with story would've sent me over the edge.  Sadly it did not.

Usual - There are many scripts to come, man.  I'm sure mine won't sit there for long.  But I'm glad you enjoyed the time inside the scripts world and I'm also glad you did see the chemistry between Dylan and Lindsay.  I do too.

Ryan - I think you nailed pretty much what the script was set out to do.  Even with the Hal bits.  I had to come up with a hook for him being there and or to even include a wheelchair bound dude.  At 1st Dylan wasn't Pledging for a Frat House and Lindsay wasn't with him.  It was just Him and Hal, his homeless father.  It didn't work.  So I rewrote Dylan pledging for a frat house - Lindsay who's a virgin and lust after Dylan so she's gonna do anything he says, and the list said to have a virgin come with ya -- Then Hal, as just a Hobo in a wheelchair who is only there because Dylan needs him to be there and he has a promise for wine on the way.  Thanks for the read, man.  

---

Now I'm back to reading more scripts from this OWC. I'm really enjoying them.  Bad, average, good, fantastic.  They all offer up something different and that's cool.

Baltis,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
I like your writing style here and you stuck to the contest rules.
You have three characters all with different reasons to be there.
Many entries do not have differing motivations for all characters good on you!
Dylan wants into a frat. Lindsay fancies the hunk and Hal is in it for the wine.
I like the motivation dynamics and I want to see more of that in the script.

My biggest criticism here is we don't get into the mansion soon enough.
I like the dialogue out front but I want more inside the house.
Hal seemed a bit underused and superfluous, perhaps he can be more obnoxious?
I'd like to see Lindsay come on to Dylan more, school girl crush in a haunted house.

Nothing original here and that's fine, you play it out well.
The ending is a bit stale and the antagonist could use some fleshing out.
Thanks very much for the entertaining read!

Regards,
E.D.

You fooled me with the title, not sure if it exists in the U.S., but in the UK and Aus there is a furniture polish called Pledge, the way you trademarked the word I was thinking there was going to be a killer can of beeswax in here somewhere.

This was mixed bag to be honest, some bits stood out as being great while it just kind of petered out towards the end. In places however your writing was great, you obviously put some work into your action lines and descriptions because in places it really stood out. It is nice to read a script that tries to do something different with describing action, it makes the read that a much better and different to any other. Top marks on that.

I think the story however was too simple for the way it was written, I mean the writing suggested more and thus I felt a little little down in the end. Weirdly I might have liked this more had it been written simply, which probably makes no sense at all.

Anyway, a good effort and a good read, up there in the top half of these entries I think but could of been better.

Hate to be the repeating Parot.

Everyone has pretty much nailed what I was going to cover. Clean writing but not original. I never really got a sense of dread from it.

Just a very visual, tale with a THUMP-DRAG aspect going on.

Great job for an OWC.

Shawn.....><

I was curious about this one - thought mine and yours would be more or less around the same. They are in a way. So read mine please! It's not out yet though.

I really liked the ending of it. You show the headline while Dylon is still there - this gave me creeps.

The set up took a really long time. Plus, there's no pay off in it, his story about draining toilets with straws - funny but it would do without it. His name Hal Weens - no pay off. Without it the story would be shorter and to the point and would work much better for me. I was curious about what was going to happen, that means you kept me in suspense which is good.

The writing is great. Just great. I think I'll borrow some expressions from you in the future.

Hi Balt! I, like most people, were probably looking forward to reading your script.

I wasn't disappointed - neat story (ok, it was familiar horror ground, but you gave it some nice touches with the comedy) and the writing was fluent and well-paced.

A couple of points about some of your formatting - you used action in your wrylies (I was advised to only use stuff like whispers, etc in a wrylie context); you had elephant and wolf with a capital for some reason; and, from page 7, when they got into the house, you started CAPPING objects all over the place. For some reason, this was irritating to me as they appeared out of nowhere, almost like it was a second half team change-over!!!

Anyway, man, as I said i wasn't disappointed and may even learn something from your style.

Cheers stevie

Hey Balt,

Could tell by the opening three pages this was gonna be good. Great descriptions and amusing early dialouge.
I laughed out loud at the "Elephant and "Hal Ween" gags. Maybe it's the booze I'm guzzling or perhaps it's just funny dialouge. I'll go with the latter.
Lindsey's death is creative. Every scene I thought was written beautifully. Could picture everything instantly with no need to reread a line.

The story was good. The whole thing worked really well, feels complete. All three characters were enjoyable to follow and listen to.
There were a couple of gags and I thought they all worked.
The strongest points for me were the opening five pages. I think this is because I was unsure what was going to happen once they got inside the manor. Once they were inside, the story didnt become less interesting but I felt like it didnt really go up another level if you know what I mean?
All in all, I thought for one week's work this was great.

Top job!

Malc

Hey Baltis

Good premise, eventhough it's not original but whatever. Good description. Good characters. I think though that alot of what Dylan did for pledging is pushing the limits of believeablity like the cocktail straw and toilet plege. That's just me.

Gabe    

Baltis...

Not much for me to add here... you had some great visuals going on.  Very good characters.  I had a few chuckles as well.  All in all, I enjoyed this little piece, so my hats off.

Ghostwriter  

Hey Balt, congrats on completing a script for this OWC.  Like others, I was looking forward to your entry.

I actually read this yesterday, but decided not to post what I originally wanted to say…so I slept on it, and read over all the other posts.

I decided to give it another read today, and since this is the last of the first 24 scripts for me, give you a more thorough review than I have for the others.

First of all, let it be clear that I think you’re a good guy.  I also know you’re a talented guy in many different facets, including writing.  I think you and I have more in common than you may want to believe.  I’m a perfectionist at heart.  I think you are as well.  I followed along with all the posts prior to the deadline, and am aware that you rewrote this numerous times and had numerous people give you reads before submitting it, so with that in mind, I hope you’re interested in hearing and seeing some areas that can still use some improvement

Your writing style is such that I can tell you are trying to impress.  That’s a good thing, BTW, and I for one appreciate it.  I can also tell that you are always trying to incorporate what’s hot in the Pro market, as well as staying true to tried and true formatting “rules” and staples that you agree with and hold dear.

I can see by the vast majority of the comments that everyone really likes your style and your writing itself.  I do too, but I can see many flaws that are being overlooked, or just not seen.  It’s almost like you’re trying too hard to come up with unique sentence structures and providing too much unnecessary detail.  This is not a knock in any way.  I’m merely trying to help, just like I appreciate when someone brings something up that I’ve missed in one of my scripts.  Call me a prick…call me an ass if you must, but I’m just trying to help each and everyone, including myself, become a better writer.

OK, here we go…

First off – the title.  Personally, I don’t like it at all.  And the copyright thing right after “Pledge” just looks odd and off-putting, and is one of the reasons it was one of the last reads for me (as I didn’t look at the actual writers until I actually clicked into each thread to read.

I see you got your logline typo changed…that’s good.  Submitting it with a misspelling is obviously not good, but I know it happens to the best of us.

You continually use a double dash style, which I personally don’t like (maybe it’s just me, as I know Reeper Creeper does the same…but differently).  But, the bigger issue here is how you incorrectly use them.   Basically, you’re using them like a period, as you’re capping the following word (which turns out to another sentence, meaning, you’re not ending your previous sentence.  I don’t understand what effect you’re going for by doing this.  It wouldn’t be wrong if you simply used them like “…”, or a single dash, in which you “continued the sentence properly.  Sure, I know screenplays don’t adhere strictly to the rules of proper grammar and writing, but it just doesn’t make any sense why you’d leave so many sentences uncompleted, without a period.

“dampers” – should be “dampens”

Orphans – I found at least 3, and probably about 4 more examples (with 2 words) where you easily could have saved a line.  I know space was an issue for you, so IMO, you easily could have saved yourself 7-10 lines of extra space by being a little more diligent in your edits.

Over writing/over describing – IMO, there are numerous examples of extra words (description) and whole sentences that could have/should have been cleaned out to allow for more meat here.  Again, I know you had to cut a good portion of this out, and I’m surprised you chose to keep many of the unnecessary lines of description that would have allowed you a lot more space which you obviously needed.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you probably could have easily knocked out an entire page by editing out unnecessary words/lines.  Don’t get me wrong…I realize it’s a fine line and your prose does read well most of the time. But when you have a page restriction that is working against a story you want to tell, it only makes sense to keep the meat, and lose the gravy.

For me, the overuse of CAPPING words gets a bit annoying, especially how you continually did it with “KLINE MANOR”.  Overkill, IMO.

Why give last names for these 3 characters?  I see no reason whatsoever.

OK, up to page 3 I see lots and lots of completely unnecessary lines of dialogue between Dylan and Lindsay.  You know I’m all about meaningless banter to develop character, but it’s just not necessary here at all, as its inclusion seriously strapped your ability to include important back story (and important current action/story later on in the script).

“has been compromised”  “has been breached” – First of, they identical “has been” back to back doesn’t look good.  But a bigger issue is that based on these phrasings, you’re saying that we don’t actually see the action taking place, which, IMO, is incorrect.

“Dylan slides the effective tool through his belt loop” – This is a completely wasted line, IMO.  Also, using “effective” in front of “tool” just sounds irritating and completely unnecessary.

The stuff about not being able to say “Halloween” wastes almost a complete half page!  Again, based on the fact that you had to cut out 3+ pages, why you chose to keep this is beyond me.

A “wolf howls”?  HUH?  Where the Hell is this taking place?  I know, I know, sure it could be a number of places where wolves are present, but…c’mon now…kind of jumps out of reality, IMO.

OK, IMO, there’s absolutely no reason you used 4+ pages to get them inside.  No reason at all, as we still don’t have any back-story.  I’d say you could have/should have gotten them in by page 2.  All the characterization you’d gone for hasn’t made them into anything remotely likable or unique.  They’re all classic douche bag clichés, and this is a major problem, IMO…something you should have caught when rewriting/editing out pages.  You’ve got 1 scene here running almost 5 minutes for no reason!

“Burnt NEWSPAPERS litter the spacious floor plan unfolded.” – The inclusion of “unfolded” makes this a very awkward sentence.

“DAILY PRINT NEWSPAPERS” – any reason we need to know they’re “daily print newspapers”?  Reads oddly.

“WHISK” – “WHISKS” – actually, there are a number of examples where you have missed the “s” on the end of a verb.

“Hal, left to the task at hand, begins to unfold the PAPERS and place them about the floor.” – A perfect example of a wasted line…by including the completely unnecessary “left to the task at hand”. Also, again, “place” – “places” – a verb missing an “s”.  Also, do we really need the “begins to” in here? No, we definitely do not.  IMO, using “begins to” is almost always a mistake.

None of your Slugs, except for the first one, have any times in them.  This obviously requires a “LATER” or the like.

“has damaged” – “have damaged”, since you stated more than 1 item.

“They say, if you believe the stories that is, you listen close enough you can hear Orvil draggin' that pick ax down these halls at night. Looking for his next victim.” – A bunch of issues in this dialogue.  “if you believe the stories that is” – wastes a line, and is missing a comma after “stories”.  Missing “if” before “you listen”.  Missing a comma between “enough” and “you”.   The last sentence should really be connected to the prior with a comma.

Orvil Kline.  Aubrey kline.  Do we know who these people are?  I don’t think we do, and that’s an issue this late in the game.

“Frustrated, she watches Dylan make his way down the hall. She BARGES into AUBREY'S ROOM a swarm of emotion.” – missing a comma between “ROOM” and “a”.  Bigger issue is that I think you easily could have saved another line here.

“With Hal's stack nearly depleted, he drops them to the floor.” – Awkwardly phrased, and IMO, another completely wasted line.

“A LIGHT cast its presence over him. He CLENCHES the wheels of his chair tightly and turns to confront the source -- It comes from the KITCHEN.” – “cast” – “casts”.  Biggest issue si that once again, you’ve wasted a line by including “tightly and”.

“newspaper” “news paper” – You’ve used both so far.  Pick one and stay consistent.

“Largely free from fire damage, Lindsay rummages a room fit for a little princess. Elegant gowns, stuffed animals, and dolls dress it out. A large oval shaped MIRROR rest in the corner.” – Whole bunch of problems in this passage.  The first sentence is incorrectly structured.  The second sentence is a waste as none of these details come into play at all.  “rest” – “rests”

“No one is watching.” – There’s no one in the room with her..of course no one is watching.

“Thanks a lot guys.” – Missing a comma between “lot” and “guys” – for some reason, so many writers don’t understand that a comma is almost always needed right before a reference to a person/people/name.

“Guys is that you?” – Same deal here…a comma is almost always necessary after a reference to a person/people/name.

“Dylan steps back into the bathroom, he examines with suspicion.” – Very awkwardly phrased, and actually incorrect as written.

The stuff about Lindsay spewing out of the mirror in cubes is a cool visual, but IMO, you could have/should have given it an extra line, as I actually had to read it twice to understand exactly what was happening.

“Showered, Dylan hits the deck a bloody mess” – missing a comma between “deck” and “a”.

“Dylan waste no time in sticking around -- In a mad DASH, he clears a path down the hall.” – “waste” – “wastes”.  What does “clears a path down the hall” mean?  It’s just another example of over writing for no reason.

You’ve got a change of scene when Dylan tumbles down the stairs, so you need a new Slug or at least Mini Slug.

On page 10, I’m very confused, and that’s probably due to the omission of the new Slug. It seems like we’re downstairs now, since you’re referencing all the newspapers Hal laid down, but then you have Hal at the top of the stairs, where Dylan just was.

Why are you trying to conceal that it was Hal in the wheelchair?  We already know that, unless somehow it’s not, but that wouldn’t make sense.

Why restate what the sign says?  We already know what it says, and by restating it, you’ve wasted yet another line.

“Dylan's body convulses, he's been struck from behind” – Again, by using the incorrect tense here, you’re basically saying that we don’t see the action of him being struck, which is incorrect, IMO.

“The headline reads:” – What headline?  Every single newspaper?  It’s not set up properly, so it’s confusing.  That’s most likely due to the fact that you ran out of room, but you didn’t need to.  You easily could have edited out so much that isn’t remotely necessary, but decided to glance over the stuff that is extremely important to your story...the backbone of it…the meaning behind it all.

I am far from clear as to what the ending means or why the manor is restored.

Thanks for the read all/

Jeff - Lots of technicals that will be addressed over the span of weeks, not just a few days.  I seldom ever write a final draft myself.  I'll write it the final way I want and then pass it off to someone more capable than myself.

1.  I didn't have the time here.
2.  I didn't have the pages needed.
3.  It isn't something I'm gonna stress over as this was written for the challenge and nothing else.  

The double (--) is something new I wanted to try.  I was already not using the format I wanted to so I thought I'd go ahead and use something different to carry the pace.  Some say it works.  Some don't.  Others don't really care either way.  Me, personally, I don't like them much myself.  

I also don't like the format it's in.  The ledgers are too loose and the dialog chains aren't justified properly.  Well, they are industry standard... But they're Trottier's rules and ledgers and his format is very tight quarters.  I hate his format so much in fact I spaced after my scenes, something he doesn't do.  

But, so you don't scare others off; or rather scare them off to grammar school... I've sold 3 scripts in my day.  Two of them just this past year (Dog Pound) & (Deliver Me Death)... Neither were sold on grammar.  They were sold on concept and visual.  One is in production now and the other is not.

As for some of the other bits you're harping on --

When Lindsay goes into the room you say that none of the mentioned was needed.  But it was needed and they do come into play.  I just couldn't show that in this script.  I cut over 6 pages from it in the end.  The bears and dolls come to life and start moving and her scene isn't so rushed in the other version.  There is much more to it than these scenes.  I had to cut it down to try and make it work and fit the best I could.  I think I did an alright job considering most of my time in the day is taken up with my daughter and my nights are taken up by my band.  I don't get to write for hours a day.

I did a change of scene when Dylan comes down the stairs... It said FIRST FLOOR FOYER.  If it's not present here don't worry, it'll be there.  

Dylan's body convulses, he's been struck from behind.  This wasn't written as clearly as I have since written it.  We are not to see him get struck.  We see his face.  We then see the Axe Point sticking out of his chest.

Yes, Every single newspaper.  It's a daily print... We laid that out early on.  They were all the same papers being laid out.

Why did I give the characters last names?  Really?  Ummmmmm, why not?  Also, remember this is a larger piece.  The scenes, the pace, the story, the characters, all of it has been cut and crammed together.  It's much different than this.

The copyright logo was included on the title.  I didn't know it'd show up on the end of it.  I don't care either way to be honest.  If that's a detourant I'm sorry.  It wasn't intentional.

The ending isn't suppose to be clear.  I like things like that.  The ending was never clear to me in real life, either.  That is why I wrote it like that.  People aren't going to like it.  I get that, but that's why it's important to do the exact opposite.

The challenge didn't call for 100% originality.  It called for a basic horror story and that's what I did.  I think it comes down to style and preference in the end.  It's how you craft the characters and how you present the story.  For a week, under a week, and taking so much time from writing since I sold Deliver Me Death; I'm pretty happy with it.  

By far not my best... But it works.  And Jeff, I think you're focusing too much on the technical and not the visual.  The story is most important and I find it almost as if you went in looking for too many mistakes and just couldn't enjoy the story because you preoccupied yourself with another task all together.  Watching a movie with you must be a damn nightmare.  I can almost see it now --

Jeff - Did you see that scene, honey?  

Honey - Which one, Jeff?

Jeff - The one that just happened.  I bet you a hundred bucks they didn't put a coma in between the time it took him to defuse the bomb to the time he put the wire cutters down.

Honey - It's gettin' late... Think I better go.

I think this was well written. I only had one major problem with it; the premise of three people going into the supposedly haunted house seems to be the most prominent idea people are having for this OWC. I could also tell that there was something missing, like the end was rushed a bit. It wasn't too obvious so I wouldn't think about it too much. The page restraints can be a bit annoying but you still pulled it off. Good job.

-Trent

Balt, you're funny!  Love the revision dialogue.  Yeah, watching a movie with me can be a very trying experience.

Hey, listen, man, I think you took what I said the wrong way and I want to explain a few things.

I told you I decided not to post what I was originally going to say and reread the script again.  The reason for this is that when I first read it, I noticed a bunch of lines that weren't working, alot of unnecessary stuff, and an ending that really didn't make any sense, cause the back-story was never included.  I didn't go into that read looking for problems, but they were there staring at me, so I decided to go back and see what the problems really were.

The grammar/punctuation stuff is obviously no big deal.  Compared to most scripts, yours is relatively clean.

The problem, that you should be aware of deals with what you decided to present vs. what you decided to chop, and the way you wrote what you decided to present.

Bottom line, Balt, you had 10 pages to write your script.  10 and no more, meaning space was at a premium. The reason why you couldn't tell your back-story properly is because you had orphans running around, unnecessary dialogue, unnecessary over description, and unnecessary over writing.  That's what I was trying to point out to you.  The grammar and punctuation stuff was thrown in because I thought you'd like to know.  You could have easily included another 2 or 3 pages of story here, if you did away with all the fluffy crap.

You said in your response all this stuff about what will be included in the longer version...that's great, but it has nothing to do with this challenge.  If you can't show it in 10 pages, it's not part of the script.

You chose to include what you did over the much more important "meat" of your story for some reason, and that was a mistake.  You reference 2 characters (Orvil and Aubrey Kline) that never have a single thing to do in the script, and aren't even referred to in the back-story. That doesn't make sense.

Your posts made it seem like you were a perfectionist and I was merely trying to help.  You've been talking up this script the entire week, and I expected alot more, and wanted to point out where things fell apart.

I hope you understand that.

Balt,

I read this and a few others late the other night but didn't get around to commenting, so I read it again just now to fully refresh my memory.  I thought this was masterfully written with vivid imagery and an eerily descriptive setting, but story-wise I've seen this one before.  I think what I would have liked to see is the actual story of Kline Manor come into play sooner.  As it stands it's over halfway through when we fully learn the backstory, whereas the first half is mostly telling about a couple teens, fraternity, going into haunted house, etc. etc.

When the action did start up I thought the uniqueness set it apart, not necessarily with the methods you used, but with how you conveyed them such as with the mirror, the voices, Hal's final drop, and the execution sign - a good play of irony with that one.  Effectively done IMO to tighten things up at the end.  Overall a nice read.  Good job.

Greg

Jeff, Aubry and Orvil were referenced in the script.  We just didn't see them because we couldn't use them as it was a 3 character minimum.  

I never talked the script up.  In fact, I was pretty on the fence about even posting it... I said I was "happy" with it.  Big difference between touting it as gold.  Find a post that says otherwise and I'll concede my victory here.  And, largely, I am happy with it.  I get that you're not.  I understand all that.  But you're acting like this is the best work I've ever done and I did it in a week.  Under.  

That's not the case.  It's rushed.  It has problems.  I get all that.  I just don't get why you pound the technical into view when the challenge called for THEME -- STORY -- 10 pages -- 3 characters -- GUY IN WHEEL CHAIR -- SPECIFIC DATES IT TOOK PLACE -- SPOOKY HOUSE.

I nailed everyone of those things.  The grammar, the over writing and the format; all of that will be taken care of.  I'm not a guy who just wrote this script and nothing else.  I've written many in my day.

Boy Wonder - Yes, i was very rushed.  All 3 kills span 4 pages.  It doesn't sit well with me.  Believe me.

Greg -- I think you went into it with the right frame of mind... STORY and PACE.  I say this because you, like many others, see the fatal flaw of how it drags and then picks up right at the end.  Sadly, it's much too late.  I am in 100% agreement with you on that.  I'm also glad you noted some of the finer details -- The KILLs and the props used.  

I did struggle to get this down in time.  And I hadn't written a script in so long.  It served its purpose for me.  I thank you for the time it took you to read it and am glad you walked away with something from it.

Balt, I’m not trying to be an ass here, although I guess it just comes naturally for me.  I am trying to make a point though, and you don’t seem to want to acknowledge it.

Yes, Aubry and Orvil were referenced in the script, but we have absolutely no clue who they are or were, because you didn’t give them any back-story at all, meaning their inclusion comes off as a “HUH?” for your readers.  They didn’t need any onscreen time, but if you’re going to reference them, we need to know who the heck they are/were. Know what I’m saying?

You did talk the script up, but that’s cool.  Lots of people did. Some more seriously than others, but that’s all part of the fun, so no big deal there.  No reason to go searching for quote-unquote comments, IMO.

I’m not trying to pound the technical aspects into the ground.  As I said in my last post, the grammar/technical stuff is no big deal.

What is a big deal, is that there are obvious ways (which I’ve pointed out) in which you could have told your complete story in 10 pages.  That’s what an OWC, or any other page restricted challenge/comp is all about – coming up with a story that can be told in the page limitation and then writing it so that it does indeed fit under the page restriction.   That’s what I’m trying to pound, and that’s what you continue to not address or acknowledge.

As I see it, your story has very little to do with your 3 characters.  Any 3 characters could be inserted here and it wouldn’t change anything that matters.  Your story has to do with Kline Manor, and its history, which you glanced over at best, because you didn’t have the room, based on the fact that you totally over wrote the setup.

That’s all I’m trying to get across to you.  You keep saying it will all be fixed up when you expand it to a 20-30 page script.  But again, that has nothing to do with what we’re looking at here, which is a 10 page script that doesn’t address your actual story at all.

OK?  We cool?  We understand each other?

Jeff, again, the audience I am aiming for doesn't need everything shoved down their throats.  We get into what happened to Aubrey.  We touch on Orvil, her father, killing the 16 rail workers.  In 10 pages you do what you can.  I'm sorry it didn't work for you and you need it spelled out more.  I don't think it needs to be in this instance.  Will it be?  Sure. I'll flesh it out more, as it was told to me...

On the basis of the challenge It works.  There is no ill will here.  And I didn't talk the script up.  I said, again, I was happy with it.  Nothing more... Nothing less.  Unless you're talking about when Michale said his script was a big bad wolf and I said mine was reinforced with 200 feet of steel... Then that was clearly sarcasm.

Dylan was the lead, he was there for a reason.  Lindsay was there for a reason... Hal serves a purpose for Dylan.  They all have reason.  They were all developed pretty damn good for a 10 page short at that.  The dialog, needed or not, between them was very lax and flows easily.  To say it doesn't is lunacy.

I get what you're trying to say... I just disagree.  Take a closer look, technicals aside, you'll see.  I can't help but feel, as much as you're stressing over the competition, you're doing everything but addressing what is important.  And that is the requirements I hit.  I wrote a complete story, using the exact criteria Don gave us, within a week... Properly formatted... And in 10 pages.  If others can see this, why can't you?  

Now, you might not like it.  But there are hundreds of horror stories and movies I don't like.  They still exist, though.  Know what I mean?

OK, Balt, that's cool.

I guess either I'm not being clear or you're not interested in discussing or hearing it.

It has nothing to do with me not liking this script, BTW.  And for the record, I don't dislike it.

Peace...

I think this is good, but nothing too special about the story.

I think it's because I've read so many entries already and they all have a similar feel: people wandered into a haunted house, they got captured or haunted by the ghost/creature/witch, they died.

There's nothing wrong with this, it's just there needs to be something more to stand out from the rest of the pack. And by no means it is an easy thing to do given the theme and restrictions.

The dialogue is pretty good on the whole. Liked the Hal Ween joke. Some good suspense building as well. Liked how Hal was given the wine and he thought it was his reward.

Congrats on completing the challenge.


Herman

Herman, thanks for the read as well.  

I'm the same way you are at this point.  Every OWC is bleeding together and only Phil's offering is standing out as different.  Which, in this instance, is to be expected.  The theme was the theme and everyone played it safe.  Including me.  But I think that's what was called for.  A simple horror story.  Hell, how complex can you get with 3 characters, one in a wheelchair?  

I gave myself personal goals in this script and tried to stick to them.  For one this is the 1st script I've written in some time.  Many, many months.  I've worked on a few other scripts in this time, but largely devoted my time and resources into my band and animation project.  This script was written for me to see if I wanted to jump back in and try to sell a script again.  To see if it's something I feel like pursuing.

Another goal I set was to not utter a cuss word one in it.  I said "Damn", but feel that's as good as not cussing.

I also wanted this story to be told quickly and have the leads not give to shits about the lore and legends of a creepy house.  We seen that too many times.  If you notice, neither Dylan or Lindsay were scared.  Hal, for obvious reasons.  This was important for me to pull off.  Another thing I wanted to do was make it an in and out affair.  He knew why he was there... Get in and get the fluck out.  No sticking around.  No jackin' around.

Along with these things, and there are many I didn't get to do, I feel I did the challenge by the book.  There is a larger story here and one I want to explore a bit more, as it is based on actual events... But I'm in the process of polishing up a script of mine that I'll be entering into copious contest next year.

Again, thank you for the read and I hope this sheds a bit of light onto things.  

Hi Balt,

So another ghost story...

Well, it is the best out of the ones I have already read. You kept me on edge while I was reading, not sure what was going to happen next.

Congrats on completing the OWC. Good job.

Cindy

Balt,

This story was a bit too predictable, and I think it suffers from the restrictions of the challenge.  It seems to need many more pages to grow and growl.

The characters didn't overly grab me, but at least Dylan had motivation for being in the manor.  The pacing seemed a bit lethargic early on, again suited for a bigger story. I kind of like the back story of the rail workers and the rape, but didn't think it parlayed well into this story's horror.

Overall the writing was crisp, but watch out purple prose: Opening description of Kline Manor  — you use “blanket” twice in the same sentence.

You've got something here to build on.  Good job for one week.

Cindy -- I thank you for the read.  I read your script "The eye", which I really liked a great deal.  The story here is "another" Ghost Story, and I knew when Don laid out 3 actors many folks here were gonna go this route.  But the story fit the bill and I worked with what I had.  There is more story here, and I'll be uploading a bigger, better version soon.

Abe -  I didn't even see that Blanket, damnit!  Thanks for that.  I overlooked it every damn time.  Unacceptable.  I cannot believe that.  Fixed, believe me.

I dunno, I think the characters, of course I'm gonna be biased because I wrote, are alright.  More so for a 10 pager.  I d agree 100% the pacing is so off in this one.  It's slow and then warp speed.  I hate how this one reads.   I appreciate the read and am making my rounds through the OWC scripts, all of them.  Which I'm coming to the end of luckily.

1 - Story: Fairly decent. Another fine presentation of standard haunted house material.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable on a reasonable budget. Decent proof of concept shoot in addition to being a complete short, much appreciated.
3 - Horror & Audience: Fine slasher/ghost/madman horror. Nice big juicy audience. Looks like blood and gore will get this an R rating. Date established, abandoned house - check, didn't burn it down - check. appropriate cast - check, dark and stormy night theme established - check. Good usage of house interior and exterior. Will be difficult to find a nice big mansion on a hill, though.
4 - Technicals & Format: All fine. I like your dialog, Lindsey's character kinda flipped flopped in the middle some, no big whup. Parentheticals are used well. Turn off that dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Fine title. Nice logline.
General Comments:
A - Eight pages of set-up for two pages of promised horror. Mmm... Can you reverse that ratio? (Yes, I know you're working on a longer story/feature. Bring this principle to that. However, I like my stories action packed front to end while many others enjoy the slow burn of tightening, conversational tension. As you wish.)
B - Name the frat Dylan is pledging, state more items on the "to do" list that mentally carry the audience beyond this terminal night.
C - The light humor is good.
D - Character continuity needed.
PDF pg 3
       LINDSAY
    Dylan, this is nuts. No way I'm
    going up there. I mean, we could go
    to jail for this.
followed by
PDF pg 6
       LINDSAY
    Like your mousy little valley girls?
    Hardly. It takes more than spooky
    houses and dim lighting to rattle my
    cage. I know none of it's real.

All of a sudden she's miss capable, bada$$?
Continuity of character.

Rayw, I was looking forward to your review because I knew it'd be presented well.  I wasn't wrong.  

The only thing I disagree with that you said is Lindsay's switch of attitude.  She never really did have one.  She didn't wanna go to jail, sure.  But she wasn't afraid of the house.  Or was she?  I brought out little instances where she could be affraid.

1. Not going up to the house.
2. The Wolf Howling and her trying to detract from going on.
3. Asking for a light.

Subtle, but she was trying to be the capable bad@$$$ in front of Dylan but he kind of picked up on it.  Thus he said "Don't worry, I don't think there are any Elephants running around in here."

It might not have came off in the 10 pages here but I'm currently working on this one and will drum everything out and stretch it more.  All of the deaths don't occur so quickly and there are more items they obtain that actually tells the backstory.

I appreciate the read and your time.

Hey Balt.  I offered up to read anybody who asked on the main thread, and only a few actually took me up on it.

So, free to pick and choose, I decided I was curious what you got here.

I have read enough of your comments to know how you feel about this one and what you plan to change, so I am just going to focus on what you chose to include here in your 10-page draft.

First off, I will echo those who suggest losing the copyright in the title.  It is pretentious and a bit silly, and while you may be a lot of things, pretentious and silly do not suit you.

The dialogue up front may go on for a bit long, but it does help to establish Dylan and Lindsay, so I would not call it wasted space.  But Hal, not so much.  The third-page you devote to the "howling wolf" is kind of wasted though, and would have been better spent giving Hal a few more lines.

Once inside, without any explanation, Hal's job of spreading newspapers is absurd, and seems to exist merely as a set-up for your punchline.  When you rewrite, be sure to give Hal something better to do, or at the very least, a better reason for doing it.

And a small complaint, why not give Lindsay a flashlight?  What's the big deal?  It doesn't affect the story, and is more believable.

On page 8 you have a typo spellcheck won't catch.  You mean provocative, not proactive.

I also noticed you making use of the ol' double dash -- I like it, too -- but I do not use it to begin new, capitalized sentences.  I am pretty sure that is not correct -- can't swear to it -- but pretty sure.  

I would also argue that the V.O. you give the Old Man should be O.S.  Sure, you could probably make a case either way, but O.S. is what I would choose.

And I do not get the very, very end -- with Kline Manor fully restored.  Why end with that image?  Is that because Don said you could not burn it down?

So this reads pretty tight.  Your action always flows well, and your dialogue is clever more often than not.  This one is no exception.  When you go back into this story, I would encourage you to create more for Hal to do.  He is kind of wasted in this.  And I would give the Old Man better things to say that were less cliché.  Fun read otherwise -- and looking forward to the Director's Cut.

Baltis,

Good script.  You are clearly well versed in format and story structure.  In fact, the only thing I can say about your formatting is that I noticed a few orphans here and there.  Not that big of a deal, but they cost you valuable space when you only have 10 pages to tell a story.

I didn't quite "get" the last part of the ending either but the whole thing was very well written.  The ending might have been a little rushed, but the pacing worked.  The dialogue was excellent, the action and description were very good and the two main characters were pretty well drawn for the space and time allotted.  I think if you were to trim some of the establishing dialogue a bit (the "wolf/elephant" scene comes to mind) and lose the orphans you could've given us another half page or so of back story on Kline Manor and the previous goings on that took place there.

Other than that, excellent job.  Very fluid read and very enjoyable.  I look forward to reading future drafts and your other works.

Oh, one more thing...  I think instead of dashes you should consider using commas when writing your action...    Just funnin' ya, pal.  Seriously, enjoyed the script.

-Brian K. Millard

Very good overall but I think you could benefit from using the "To The Right" rule - beginning your sentences with the subject and the verb and all the other elements of the sentence branch off to the right.

For instance, instead of "Like a whip, lightning cracks..."
Try "Lightning cracks like a whip" and so on.

Of course, you don't always want to follow this rule. Especially when you're trying to build tension.

Bert/Duck & Sanderson - Glad you read this one.  I'll reference all of your points here, so ignore the gushing to Bert.  "ha"

Bert, I've always held your work to a set standard, so having you and Phil read this and toss out some input is always welcomed.

The copyright is pretentious and absurd.  Believe me.  Don said put a copyright logo on it and for some stupid reason I did it behind the title in the upload.  I always do it behind the title on the script, but, yeah, stupid.  I kick myself every time I see it on the portal page, believe me.

The newspaper bit is rushed.  Very rushed.  Originally, and since then, Dylan gets into why as he's handing them to Hal.  Lindsay says "Sounds complex and why are we doing this?"  And he then gets into the story of how the rail workers would lay them out and lay on them to wait out the rain.  It reads much better in the final build.  And Lindsay is included in it, not just Hal.

The whole story is stretched over, what appears to be about 24 to 26 pages when all is said and done.  So lots of stuff added.

I'm glad you're one of the ones who feels the dialog isn't a detraction or a weight.  I feel it lends believability to the cast and that is why I opted to keep it at 5 page out and 5 pages in.

The double dash thing is something I tried out here.  I usually do the one, but since the format was changed I wanted to try it out.

Why did Lindsay not get a flashlight?  Well, in this version it's because the Frat says only one.  But I think I'm gonna change this bit now.  

The Ghost of Orvil was original O.S.  -- Then I uploaded it and decided to change it to V.O. as to not break the 3 character rule.  Don said 3 characters and I wanted to stick to that.  But he never said anything about sounds.  I felt, be it good or bad, I was doing the challenge properly by making it a V.O.  I do believe it should be O.S. and it will be in the final version, but I had to adhere to the challenge and rules and I bent them a lot here.

I am doing more with Hal, lots more.  He has more stuff to do downstairs and ends up finding a wine cellar, actually.  It's a pretty good scene.  So, I'm taking all that crit to heart.  Believe me.

The ending, with the Manor being restored, is something I wanted to do from the offset.  I wanted it to be burnt down and yet heal itself.  Making a character out of it sort of.  Bending the rules to my advantage. I wanted it to come off more cleverly, and I wanted more to question that, but it didn't work.  Phil brought it to my attention that the list played a character also.  And I never thought about it until he had said that.   But the gist of the house being restored was to show that all that had happened inside had no weight on the house itself.  Dylan, Lindsay and Hal were just "Some" of the victims of the house.  They became apart of the legend and lore that will be told again and again.  

You ever hear the 3 little pigs?  It's told with a similar structure that we all know, but it changes subtly from storyteller to storyteller.  That is what I wanted to pull off here.  The next story started to be told at the end of this one.  Only, the storyteller telling it said the house was intact; not burnt.  Subtle.

I don't think I conveyed it the way I wanted to here, but will in the final version.

Bert, I admire you a great deal and I thank you for your time and ideas about what to change and will take them to heart.

--
P.S.

I overly use the CAP to bring things off the page.  This is something I've practiced, although got a bit jumpy here, since "Coffin Canyon" was praised by an analyst for how interesting it was to read.  The draft in question, was 152 pages, by the way.  It's something I've since toned down on, and admit I got out of hand here, but it's something I believe adds voice and character to the pages.

Quoted from balt I kick myself every time I see it on the portal page, believe me.

Well that is easily remedied, Balt.  You just need to ask.  Of course, from a marketing perspective it does make it stand out haha -- so let me know if you decide that you want to put it back...

Quoted from balt ...he then gets into the story of how the rail workers would lay them out and lay on them to wait out the rain.

Gotcha.  Now that I know there is missing backstory, it doesn't seem so odd.  I can see how making quick cuts could have left this detail hanging unsupported.

Quoted from balt The double dash thing is something I tried out here.

I love it -- use it all the time.  It is a technique I cribbed from Goldman.  Steal from the best, you know?

Quoted from balt ...but it's something I believe adds voice and character to the pages.

I have come to believe that is one of the most important aspects to all this.

Some rule-hounds will try to stifle that, but I say go with your gut and your instincts to tell you what works and what doesn't.  You've got voice in spades, so no worries.  Good luck with the rewrite.

Overall, this script was good. The dialogue was mostly nice and the story was all right. There were unfixed errors here and there, but I'm sure you've already been told them in your 3 pages of comments.

There are two things about this story I have to comment on. One is a line Lindsay said which did not ring true for her character at all, "Ain't the Hilton." That, coming from an 18-year old virgin girl who was a Valedictorian, does not sound right at all. "Ain't" is something you'd be more likely to hear from the hobo.

The next is a one-word change. "Interest peaked, Lindsay saunters over to it" I hate this error more than most. It's not "peaked", in this case, it's "piqued".

Mostly, that's all, though.

Mr. Blonde, you are correct in that -- "ain't" sounds a little backwoodish.  Noted and a since changed.  I've also changed peaked to piqued.  Thank you for the read and I can't remember if I've read yours or not but I'm making my way through them all.  I've got like 4 left.  All of them are blurring together now, though.  

Quoted from Baltis. Mr. Blonde, you are correct in that -- "ain't" sounds a little backwoodish.  Noted and a since changed.  I've also changed peaked to piqued.  Thank you for the read and I can't remember if I've read yours or not but I'm making my way through them all.  I've got like 4 left.  All of them are blurring together now, though.

You're welcome. And, you did.

Status update:  I've just finished the 1st draft of the full version of this script.  It came in at 31 pages and many of the issues you all have addressed have been fixed.  I thank you for your input as it helped me write a much more cohesive script in the end.  I'll do another rewrite, prolly after 3 or 4 days of sitting on it, and then post the complete version of it when I'm done.  I think I'll try and twiddle it down to 25 pages, though.

Don't worry, if you read this version the new version has enough new content to warrant another read.  The deaths don't occur one after the other and there is much more going on in the house this time around.  The ending reflects more of what I was going for too.  So don't feel it's going to be the same thing just longer and more drawn out.

Thanks again for all the input you all have given me.  This OWC actually became a piece I could be proud of and put beside my many other 25 to 60 page horror/thriller screenplays.

Edit:  Oh, and it's also in my format of choice, which also lends to a few extra pages.  The format is super clean, unlike Trottier's format.

Hello Baltis,

This was okay.  It was quick & easy to read.  I'm not one for these type of frat stories.  I've read a few comments and if you create some sort of back story for Lindsay and Hal, well mainly Lindsay, then I'd say this can be better.  I didn't really see the horror, it came and went in a flash.

EDIT, didn't realise that Baltis was your real name, thought it was a nickname.  Pretty cool name.

All the best with the rewrite,

Javier